69 If I remember, will I become like that again?

pregnant. miscarriage.

i take a breath. i have this suffocating feeling in my heart. my unborn child would have been a little more than a year old. my child could be learning to walk at this time. i wonder how my baby would have laughed when i held him in my arms? was it a girl or a boy?

i feel like my child died in my place and gave me life.

if it's this difficult to accept the story after hearing it, how much difficult it will be to remember it? will i be able to live if i remember?

i turn on my side. i am afraid of remembering now. my father had a haunted look when he was telling me about my past. i can only imagine how i might have been. my mind was broken by someone else. i recall what my father told me.

'one of your bully names was takeuchi miwako. your kidnapper might have been your other bully, the woman behind takeuchi miwako. it's not confirmed yet.'

that person is still roaming free in this city after taking my child away from me.

but who is the father of the child? i can't get pregnant on my own.

i remember ichihara kiyoshi's words.

'my wish is that the woman i love never remembers me and her nightmares.'

that man... is it him? that explains why he was acting strangely. was he talking about me? i am the woman he loves? i don't have my memories. i sound like the woman he loves.

or is it my first love who was also my best friend? i haven't met him, but i want to meet him again.

or is it someone else? what kind of life did i lead?

i am a bit embarrassed to ask my father that question. i am still a girl. i got pregnant before marriage. who can tell me? ah, yes! there is that person. he might know.

i knock the door of yuhara's room. he opens it after the fifth knock, looking half asleep. "umezaki san, why are you here?"

i push him inside and lock the room. he widens his eyes. "umezaki san, i know that you are upset. but, we can't do it. professor umezaki will stir fry me if i touch you."

i stare at him. "yuhara kun, your imagination is wild."

he covers his chest with his arms. "we are at a hotel. you are in my room."

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"i want to ask you something." i ignore his fidgeting. "you have been there when my father found me, right?"

"what are you saying?" his expression turns serious.

"my father told me everything."

"oh." he sits beside me. "you have questions that you can't ask him."

i ask, "who was the father of my unborn child?"

he doesn't answer me for some time.

"tell me what you know." i look at him seriously. "is it ichihara kiyoshi or my first love?"

he returns my gaze. "when i met you, your mind was already broken. your first love is redhead... no, his name is ren. he stayed beside you all the time. he took care of you. but, it seemed like you were dating him for the first time. i heard that he was pretending to be your boyfriend. that day, you kissed him in the car. i ran away when i saw it. i don't know what happened. later, i saw the kidnappers. they injected poison in his body and took you away."

he looks away. "ren was saved. he stayed at the hospital for a while. we faked your death to keep you safe from the unknown perpetrator. ren and kiyohira promised to never disturb your new life for your safety. they kept their promises."

"who is kiyohira?" i don't recognize that name.

yuhara kozue sighs. "ichihara kiyoshi is kamiyama kiyohira. he decided to hide his name because you reacted violently whenever you saw him or heard his name. the professor introduced him as his student to you. you wouldn't believe him back then, but you were easing up around kamiyama kiyohira. i don't know what happened between the two of you, but i know that he's been love with you."

'my wish is that the woman i love never remembers me and her nightmares.'

i finally understand the meaning of the words that he said to me at the temple.

is it him? by any chance, did i love him too?

"who is the father? i don't think that even your father knows. he didn't ask many questions and took you away to keep you safe. your father wants you to live a normal life. if possible, he wants you to never remember your past for the sake of your life."

ren. kamiyama kiyohira. my father.

"was it really bad when my mind was broken, yuhara?" i whisper. "if i remember, will i become like that again?"

there is mine ready to blast in the back of my mind. something is keeping it from breaking everything apart. i am afraid to remember.

"you might become like that again. you might become worse if you remember." he tells me with a straightforward voice, "if you overcome your fear and confront it, you might come out as a stronger person."

he's right. running away isn't the answer. there is a person who owes me a lot. i need to find her to pay me back. i don't know when my memories come. i will not wait. before she comes to me, i will find her first. i am not hiding from that crazy bully who killed my child.