144 I always envied you

"back then, your method for making me realize that i can't give you away was working. i also felt something for you. i thought that i could not give away this man who loved me that much," she speaks softly, gazing at the distance as if she could see the past happening right in front of her eyes.

she's been hurting kiyohira and he has done the same to her knowingly or unknowingly. neither of them trusted each other.

"but... i couldn't think that anyone could ever love me. i never thought that i was good enough. it seemed logical at that time that your heart would waver and you would be with chisa. she was more beautiful and capable than i was. i don't have a college degree. i can't hold a respectable job either. i can't live the life of the socialite that the wife of kamiyama kiyohira should live. your grandmother didn't approve of me either. it was easier to believe that you wavered and started wanting someone else."

she's been never this honest toward anyone. it's not easy for her to speak these things to him. however, when she's being honest with kiyohira, the heaviness is disappearing from her mind. 

"could love ever be enough for us to be together? you and i are too different. you are kamiyama kiyohira. i am umezaki rie. while growing up, i always envied you. we even have the same birthday. but you had everything and i had nothing. but was it ever fair? i can't blame my birth mother for leaving me to her friend. i can't blame my birth father for finding me so late in life. i can't blame you for being born with the life that i wanted to have."

i know that we might not have control over the things that happen to us. we can only control how we react to life

she crushes the snow under her shoes, saying more than she intended to.

"my name rie as in blessing..." she chuckles. "but kiyohira, can anyone ever say that i was blessed? i used to wonder if people were capable of loving anyone or they were just incapable of loving me. i think that i stopped believing a long time ago that i could be loved. i didn't think that i could love a human being either. loving a fictional character is easy. there's no rejection. i played otome games all day, being happy when 2d characters said that they loved me. at least, 2d characters cannot hurt you as human beings can. after ren was gone, i didn't want to love a 3d man."

the sorrow in her eyes is so deep. she's been keeping such pain inside her. he's been a part of the reasons behind her pain. 

"you are right. i abandoned everyone. when chisa was gone, i was too tired. i thought that i didn't need anyone when i came to dh. i think i would have left anyway even if i knew the truth." she composes herself and looks at him. "i wanted to send you away with yuta because i am a black hat hacker now. i have committed crimes that can send me to prison for 20 plus years if they ever find out my true identity and my location."

he's aware that she's been stirring trouble in the last 5 years. that's one of the reasons why he wanted to find her and stop her. 

"yuta is not an ordinary child. i am afraid that dh's leader is interested in him. i can't let him take the same path that i have taken." she fists her hands. this is the choice that she's making because of yuta. "my son is more important to me than anything else in the world. i want him to live a respectable life in the future. i don't want anyone to look down on him like they looked down on me."find authorized novels in webnovel，faster updates, better experience，please click www.webnovel.com for visiting.

yuta closes his eyes, a tear sliding down on his cheek. his mother wished the same in his past life. when she couldn't find any way to leave dh, she tried to threaten the leader that she would reveal everything to the world. that night, she left him saying that she would come back soon. she didn't come back. that man came in her place.

"you can speak now." 

she gives him permission to speak and waits. 

kiyohira watches her silently. she is pressing her lips tighter and clenching her hands nervously. her shoulders are tensed. when he says nothing, she peeks at him from the corner of her eyes and finds him staring at her somberly. she bites her lower lip and looks away anxiously. his gaze is making her fidgety.