145 Until I heard your voice again

for a moment, kiyohira doesn't know how to respond.

5 years ago, her father told him that it won't be easy to love her. kiyohira was sure that love was enough to be with her. it's clear that it's not.

in a way, she loves him too. but she doesn't know how to love him with the broken parts of her. compare to loving her son or her father, loving him is most difficult for her.

she was broken by the world. even he played a part in that unconsciously. he didn't even know that she was envious of his life. his father, kamiyama hitomi, takeuchi seiji, and even he owe her. 

he knew that it would be challenging to be with her. when chisa's threat became clear, he was afraid at that time when he kept her inside the house. he couldn't protect her many times. even at the end, chisa nearly won. 

instead of becoming the man that she needed, who did he become for her? was love really enough? even if he understood that she was a tortured soul, he didn't know how to care for her. instead of healing her wounds, he ended up hurting her more. how he should have acted? 

just because he outstretched his hand toward her for her to take, does it mean that she would take it? how many people have done the same and left her behind? he didn't trust her because she didn't trust him. he couldn't understand her because he didn't know how to. at this moment of life, even understanding isn't enough. how does he care for her? she's a person whom he wants to protect and love with all he has. but his all isn't enough either. it would have been better if life stopped for a moment. a moment for them to be still with each other. without chisa or dh.

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"first of all, don't apologize for who you are." kiyohira looks up at the white sky. maybe life is giving them a moment now. thanks to their son, she told him what she carried in her mind and heart. he doesn't know what will happen to them in the future. he wants to be the man she needs. if she's not ready for him, he can't force her to come out of her hiding place and love him. if she can't understand him, he won't blame her. he couldn't understand her either.

"umezaki rie, don't blame yourself for others. yuta loves you. your father loves you. takeshi and ren care about you immensely. if you weren't worthy of being loved, would they love you?"

kiyohira places his palms on the floor and leans back. his dark eyes are full of sadness. 

"when i handed you re games, do you think that i was only trying to distract you? as the ceo of kamiyama group, i saw someone who was worthy of investment even if she didn't have a college degree. honestly, i don't think that there were college degree holders who can do half the things that you can do. you already saw that re games was suffering under chisa even when she had double master degrees. even if you were not someone i loved, i would have still given you a chance after seeing what you were capable of. so, never underestimate yourself either."

he did unestimate her once and she showed him who she was when he saw her in the world hack series. even before that, she kept surprising him. how could she not see that all? the world looks down upon her because she's hiding. if they could see her from his eyes, they would know what she is. 

"you know that you are an expert. just because a person is different, does her value decrease in the world? you saw those women's profiles that my secretary sent to you. tell me. have you ever made a profile of yourself? even if dh is a part of the underground world, it is not easy to join the inner circle. but you were chosen. not only chosen, but they also tried everything to bring you to their side. if the world knew about your talents, would they leave you alone? there would be other people like me who would be crazy to hire you. i doubt that anyone would dare to look down on someone like you. then, why do you look down at yourself?"

"and the life of a socialite? when did i ever want you to live such a life? my grandmother didn't completely approve of kamiyama hitomi who was quite good at being the madam of the kamiyama family. but my father didn't marry her for that reason. i didn't marry you for that either. i married you because i could never imagine anyone else as my wife and mother of my children. i chose love over that kind of life. you are stronger than i am. you can live without people you love, but i felt like i was dying every second of my life without you. the world lost all the colors until i heard your voice again."

he pauses and turns his head to look at her. she's watching him with widened eyes. "do you know why i find you most beautiful in the world?"

she slowly shakes her head.

"kintsukuroi." he takes her hands and shows her a small smile. "do you know about it?"

she shakes her head again.

"are you from j country?" kiyohira chuckles. "it's a type of mending technique. when a precious piece of pottery is broken, the cracks are often filled with gold or silver. after the piece becomes whole again, it becomes more beautiful after being broken. umezaki rie, do you think that being broken is the end for you? do you think that you can never become whole again? if you let the light fill and mend the broken bits together, you will become someone stronger and more beautiful. your scars should be the source of your pride; not shame. your scars show what you have survived and the fact that you overcame everything alone."

her eyes fill up with tears. she curls her fingers around his hands. 

"i can't help but see you with awe and pride. your scars make you shine. instead of hiding and covering yourself, walk out with those golden scars with pride, rie. if the world knew you, they would have never dared to look down upon you. they would have looked at you with the same respect and admiration that i have for you."

rie cries silently, hot tears falling in her lap. kiyohira embraces her and strokes her back. "rie, i know that i am not the right man for you, but i am a selfish jerk. i will continue to make mistakes. but you know that i can't help but love you more every day. yuta loves you and you also love him. i love you both. can you not send me and yuta away? rie, let's fight together this time as a family."