955 Title is a Spoiler

She wiped her tears with her long sleeves and was able to control her emotions better although not completely. 

"I don't think that you're a monster, Nikolai," she told him in a soft, shaky voice. The conviction in her eyes when she said this, on the other hand, was very firm. "You may be a beast most of the time especially in…in…b-bed but that's because you're someone who's blessed with vigour. And…you may be r-rough and arrogant a lot of times but that doesn't mean that you're a monster."

"That's because you don't know me that well yet, Jinjing," he said. "If you knew the real me, I guarantee that you'll run away screaming and curse me straight to hell."

"Don't tell me how I should feel! You can't guarantee anything about my…my f-feelings! I can't even guarantee them myself. There's no way that you can predict exactly how I'll react in the future. And of course, I don't know the real you because you d-don't…you don't tell me anything! But that's…okay. I respect your right to p-privacy. I also agreed to your terms not to ask anything more about things that you want to keep a secret from me."

He let her go again and sighed. This time, it was his turn to start pacing in the living room. Unlike her, he dominated the small space in just a few long steps, making it feel even smaller and more constricted. 

It wasn't like him to pace like this but Long Jinjing didn't notice because she was too caught up by the current emotionally-charged situation. If she could just think clearly, she might have noticed that in the past few days, he had started to slowly show more of his real emotions through this kind of little actions.

Even Lu Zihao wasn't completely aware that he had begun to reveal a part of his real self to Long Jinjing that only his sister knew from their unbreakable bond as blood siblings in their previous life and now as siblings of the soul. It just felt natural to openly display some of his real emotions in front of his woman and not to always try hiding them from her like he always did before. 

"I'm trying hard but I really don't understand why we have to talk about this. I just want to renegotiate our original agreement and extend our current relationship beyond 30 days. And now you're crying and I can't make you stop. I don't know what I'm supposed to do!"

It was taking Long Jinjing all of her willpower not to start sobbing. Besides the hurt, helplessness filled her at his lack of understanding. It felt like they were trying to communicate on completely different frequencies. They might be speaking the same language but just couldn't connect properly to each other. 

"I'm crying because I'm hurt," she told him.

Honesty was the best policy, she decided, especially regarding her feelings for him. Grandpa Lu was right. This man standing in front of her could be such a pinhead sometimes. If she didn't spell out her thoughts and feelings clearly to him, he would never understand her and would unwittingly continue being insensitive.

"I'm sorry if I hurt you."

She smiled a little. "Thanks. I know."

Then he looked like he realized something. "Does staying in this relationship actually hurting you? Is that why you're refusing to renegotiate?"

She hesitated a little before nodding. 

He was taken aback. "How come? I don't understand."

Her entire body started trembling but she straightened her spine and gathered all of her courage to say the following words.

"Because I'm…I'm in love with you."

Silence. 

"I love you, Nikolai."

Her voice was a soft whisper but it was like thunderclap to his ears. He froze and looked utterly shocked to the core. 

"I can't stay with you for longer than the 30 days that we originally agreed upon because I know…I just know that I'll fall in love with you more deeply with each passing day. The longer we stay in this r-relationship that we have right now, the harder it will be for me to…let you go in the future, Nikolai."

"Jinjing—"

"I knew since the beginning that we have no future together but…what can I do? I've fallen in love with you. I don't know when it happened…but it just, well, happened. And after seeing my sister and brother-in-law wed last week, I began to…I mean, uhm, I want to have a future with you, too. But that's clearly out of question because you don't want to have something long-term with me."

If she wasn't so emotional right now, she would've laughed at his current expression. He was literally shocked speechless.

"I want to blame my sister's wedding bouquet for landing on me when I wasn't trying to catch it in the first place and you for catching the garter just because you didn't want other men putting it up my leg. I want to delude myself and say that it's because of the bouquet and garter that put the idea of…maybe that it's possible to m-marry you, and that maybe, just maybe, we can also have a future together just like my sister and brother-in-law…but of course, all of these are just my pure, unadulterated delusions." 

She laughed at herself in a mocking way. 

"I'm so pathetic."

Then the mockery turned to sadness.

"Long Jinjing, a pathetic woman. That's me."

###