146 Why?

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Zhi Ruo was sitting on the couch while, Qing Shan was standing making him unable to hug her back. Nonetheless Qing Shan patted her head with one hand while another hand was on her shoulder. Qing Shan thought she would say something or cry atleast. Contrary to his expectations Zhi Ruo just stayed hugging him for a good amount of time silently. If he would have not known, he must have easily mistaken that she was already asleep.

Loosening her grip and taking her buried head out, Zhi Ruo softly asked Qing Shan to prepare her tea. Nodding to her request Qing Shan went towards the balcony to arrange the sitting arrangement. Instead of making arrangement for two people like last time he made it for a single person this time. A small round coffee table was placed with a chair across it and a blanket was kept on the sides in case if she needed it.

"I have arranged the chair, you can sit there. The weather is nice today."saying Qing Shan moved towards the kitchen to prepare a calming and relaxing tea for his wife.

Zhi Ruo lifelessly got up from the couch and sat down on the chair prepared by Qing Shan. Soon Qing Shan prepared the tea and kept it on the table. While leaving he said, "Take your time but remember you need rest as well. I will go in first."

Nodding towards him Zhi Ruo watched him leave. Focusing her gaze towards the hot cup of tea Zhi Ruo closed her eyes thinking, 'If you would have been alive, would you also make a cup of tea for me ? Would you also... keep waiting for me to come back home? Would... you also worry about me ... ask me-if I am hungry, If I...if I... need something? Would you... come up to me and hug me while asking me if I am scared? If....Soo many If's...'

Tears started flowing from Zhi Ruo's eyes, her body lost its majestic aura, taking her leg's up on the chair, she bent then on the knees. Circling her hand's around the legs she bought them closer to her body and buried her head in the knees while sobbing harder.

"There are so many If's mom...so many...

When I ...I ....needed you, you left me... You left me... alone... all alone...

You...You... did leave me alone but, you changed me ...mom, you changed me. You changed me into a person I never wanted to be. A person.... who I ...Who I ...cannot be...Why mom.... Why??" Zhi Ruo cried out loud while her shoulders trembled and her throat started hurting.

Wiping her tears from the back of her hand she questioned again, "You....you .. told me...Zhi Ruo do not believe anyone. Do...do.... not rely on anyone. The only person you can rely on is....is... your dad and Zhi Xin's family. I...I tried hard mom. I tried hard ....to keep myself limited to this people.

But I am scared now. I am scared, I am scared that there are other people who are making my ice cold heart melt. I am ...I am scared that ...I am changing into the person I was back then...I ma scared mom...I am scared..."

Trying to control her tears from falling Zhi Ruo said with dull eyes, "Today, when.... I jumped in the pit of fire I saw...I saw my team member's crying for me. They were fighting for me. They cried mom, they felt guilty for me. We all have been together. I thought, we all....we all will never intersect with each other, when we will not know each other, then we will not get attached. I was wrong mom, completely.... wrong. Unknown to myself they had already made their place in my heart. They have already been an....an important part of my life. Till today I have kept denying it mom, I kept denying. I forced myself to believe that I am supposed to have no emotions, no friends, no relationships except family. But I have them...What do I do mom...What do I do?" With each passing question Zhi Ruo was breaking down, her thoughts were eating her from inside. Unable to decide anything she was in a utter mess.

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