Chapter 112 - Every Problem Can Be Fixed

"It cannot be that way anymore," said Andrzej firmly, standing over Dominik, who was reading the newspaper. The actor swallowed. "You need to talk to someone about this. No matter with whom. With me, with a psychologist, hell, even with Marczak, but you have to talk to someone about it."

The very thought of opening his mouth to someone and talking about all the pain he was feeling, all his fears, was excruciating. How could he just tell someone about all that was in his head and heart? How could he talk about all this darkness and all this fear?

"I can't" Śliwiński lowered his eyes. "I can not."

"You have to" pressed Andrzej and Dominik shuddered. He was not afraid of Andrzej, he was not afraid that this wonderful man would do something to him, but he was afraid that he would be a disappointment for him. "I watch you all the time. It's getting worse."

"I'm sorry, I ..."

"Goddamn it, stubborn, don't you understand you're hurting yourself? Nightmares, fear of sex and some kind of guilt drawn from God knows where. It breaks my heart to see you suffer and I can't help you!"

There was desperation in Andrzej's voice and Dominik felt so guilty that he led him to such a state.

"Sorry," he replied helplessly.

"For what do I need your apology? Do you think they'll help me when you get depressed or other shit? I don't want your apology, I want you. Dominik" Andrzej knelt in front of Śliwiński and took his hands "please."

The actor bit his lower lip.

He didn't want to talk to anyone about it, wasn't ready, just like that. The nightmare he's gone through, all the dirty disgusting things that have been don to him… He didn't want to call it another name, but the truth was, he had started to see himself how bad it was and that it was getting worse. He was afraid to talk to people, but he was even more afraid that he was hurting Andrzej. And if he goes on like this, if he pushes him away more and more and more violently, he will lose him. It wasn't even about sex anymore. It started with Nowicki's good heart and friendship, and on this they built their relationship, but if Dominik treats him as an enemy, one day Andrzej will get fed up with it and he will simply leave. And in the condition he was in now, Dominik would not bear the loss.

At this point, Śliwiński had no real choice - he had to fulfill Andrzej's wish and talk to someone.

"Tarkowska" the actor made a decision.

"Tarkowska? This doctor? She is not a psychologist ... "

"I trust her. He's a good doctor and... she knows about us. About everything. She did not judge. She helped us meet. I think I could talk to her."

Nowicki was so relieved that he exhaled loudly.

"Thank you. Really. I will arrange a meeting with her."

***

Dominik was not one of those people who would easily impose themselves on others, but doctor Edyta Tarkowska herself encouraged him to report to her if he was in such need. During the five days he was in the hospital. Edyta looked after him in all aspects. She was only his attending physician, yet she ruthlessly suppressed all rumors and curious looks on the ward and allowed Andrzej to exceed the permitted visiting hours on her own responsibility. She was no one important in these hospitals, but it looked like she had said a word or two to her colleagues and maybe even to the head physician. Dominik knew, however, that she had not revealed his secret.

The young actor did not understand why the medical staff, led by Tarkowska, treated him so well. Besides, he didn't try to understand it. He was very weak physically and mentally and was just glad to get out of that nightmare. He was glad to finally see Andrzej again.

Edyta Tarkowska seemed to understand this and treated Dominik more like a younger brother in need of care than like a famous person or an ordinary patient. As a result, Śliwiński felt more relaxed and obediently submitted himself to treatment.

When he was leaving the hospital, Tarkowska said that if he had any questions, he could always find her, although in her opinion he should see another specialist, like psychologist. Dominik was grateful to her, but he was not going to take advantage of any of her suggestions or offers. He was just going to forget. He did not expect that, under the influence of Andrzej, he would have to ask someone for help.

They weren't in her office. They were sitting in the hospital cafe. Tarkowska hugged the latte mug with both hands.

"I am not a psychologist," she continued, "but I know that victims of violence, especially sexual abuse, often have problems re-establishing a normal relationship, especially with the person they are in a relationship with." Reasons can be different - fear of getting hurt again, traumatic memories, feeling dirty, feeling guilty... It's not unusual."

The awareness that others were experiencing something similar, that it was even frequent, did not comfort Dominik at all. This meant that his fears and reactions were not individual, random delusions, but an actual problem.

"And can... be cured of it?" Dominik asked hopefully and fearfully. He was counting on an affirmative answer, but he was afraid that he would be sentenced to incurability.

"Of course," she assured him with a reassuring smile. "A lot depends on the depth of the relationship you have with your partner. I will not give you any specific method, because that really should be done by a specialist. You should meet him together as a couple ..."

Dominik closely began to feel fear and resentment. Tarkowska must have noticed this because she immediately added:

"Relax, Dominik, it's not a compulsion, it's a possibility. The point is that couple relationship healing should be done in a couple, preferably under the supervision of an experienced guide who will ask you the right questions. But there are some things you can try to do yourself. Do you love your partner? Do you trust him?"

"Completely" Śliwiński assured without hesitation. He never trusted anyone like Andrzej, but ...

"Then talk to him. Just with him. Just like that, honestly."

"I don't want him to think I'm afraid of him. If he does, not wanting to hurt me, he will move away from me."

"Are you afraid of him or that he will abandon you? When you push him away, are you afraid that he is a real, physical threat to you or that at some point he will discover that there is something wrong with you and then go away?"

"How do you know?" Śliwiński asked in surprise and suddenly blushed as he realized the truth. "This is a typical symptom, isn't it?"

"Unfortunately, yes," she nodded. "Victims of violence, whether it's physical, psychological, internet hate or otherwise, start to think badly of themselves. They start to feel guilty and think there is something wrong with them. The truth is, they aren't a hair inferior to who they were or other people. Objectively looking, and in the eyes of loved ones, they are just as good, but they don't see it. This is what is so terrible about violence. This fear causes you to move away from your loved one in order to avoid this kind of pain. You have experienced a nightmare that in your own eyes has changed you, made you worse, although it is not so, but you are afraid that Andrzej will see it and walk away. By not wanting to be rejected, you reject him."

Yes, Dominik felt this way, but there was a mistake in Tarkowska's words, in her thinking. After all, Dominik really was handicapped and yet he did not reject Andrzej, he really wanted to be with him ...

"No, I don't ..." he began to explain to her, but fell silent. I guess he does.

"I don't know if it will cheer you up, but you're not the only one with this problem. Even without such transitions, people fear rejection. Being abandoned is no fun, and often couples break up precisely because this fear creeps in between them. It's just that you've been a little more scared of him lately because you've had a very bad experience. I assume you are also afraid of intimate closeness?"

He blushed. It was almost taboo for him to talk about such an intimate topic.

"Yes," he stammered in embarrassment. "You know what he did with me ..." Not Andrzej, the other one, when he kidnapped him, undressed him, tied him to the bed. He hoped Tarkowska would understand who he was talking about.

"You think Andrzej can do the same to you? Afraid he won't listen when you say no? No, you don't have to answer. I work in the ER so I see all kinds of cases. Similar to yours. Worse. Something as beautiful as love and sex suddenly becomes stripped of its beauty. Dirty. It's not easy to go back to what it was. You have to build everything from scratch. You want it, don't you?"