Chapter 113 - The Fears Of Love

"Of course!" he assured. "And no, I'm not afraid that Andrzej will do something like that to me."

But he also trusted Marek completely, and Marek not only cheated on him, but also attacked him, and then sold him for a role in the film ...

He also trusted Werner, who kidnapped him and made ...

But here it is about Andrzej! - a policeman warned him against Andrzej, saying that Nowicki is not as clean as he seems.

Is Dominik really subconsciously afraid that Andrzej will want to hurt him in this way?

No! It is impossible!

All the situations in which they found themselves together ran through the head of the young actor. Andrzej was strong, determined, tough. He could use violence, he could be adamant, but he had never done anything that would harm Dominik. Marcus showed such signs, but the inexperienced Dominic was unable to interpret them. Werner surprised him completely, but Śliwiński did not allow him to enter the intimate zone and the trust between them was not of that nature. Andrzej was capable of violence, he was capable of anger, but he had a chivalrous nobility that would not allow him to just hurt someone. Even Werner was left alone, not satisfying Andrzej's thirst for revenge. So how could he want to hurt Dominik?

No never! It is just against Andrzej's character.

"Andrzej is very important to me," assured Dominik, "and I can't imagine him wanting to hurt me physically. Or mentally. I don't know what I'll do if I lose him."

"Why would you lose him?" Tarkowska asked, and only now did the actor begin to realize what his real fear was.

"Because I ..." he clenched his hands on his coffee cup. "I am…"

"Finish."

"I ..." it was so hard. "I really am a defect. Damaged."

"You really think so?"

"Yes. I know, you said that victims of violence often think badly of themselves, but it was not the first ... "

"It wasn't the first time?"

Dominik saw the terror and pity in her eyes. He hated when people looked at him like that. It was these looks that made him see himself as inferior. Looks that say 'you are so poor, unhappy, clumsy...'

"Don't look at me like that," he said, fighting the temptation to walk away from the table. After all, he promised Andrzej that he would try to solve his problem, that he would talk to someone. Since he had come so far with Tarkowska, he did not want to start over with another person, because she would probably look at him the same way.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to. And he, Andrzej? How does he feel about you?"

Dominik shook his head.

"He just fell in love with me and has yet to discover that I am defective. But when that happens, he will leave me, and I won't be able to breathe without him because he has become as necessary to me as air."

"You can't live in constant fear. Nobody can. Dominik, you are very handsome and since I had the pleasure to know you a little, I know that you are also a very valuable person. It looks like you've had some really tough experiences behind you, more than I thought, but you've overcome the earlier ones, and you'll beat these too. I don't know why you view yourself in such a negative way, but ... it didn't occur to you that everyone has some complexes? Even Andrzej?"

"He's perfect," the young actor shook his head. No matter how hard he tried, he could not imagine any fault with Andrzej.

"In your eyes. And in his?"

Śliwiński stared at the liquid in the cup. He remembered all the times Andrzej said to him: "You taught me to love." He did not pay much attention to it, because for him Nowicki was an ideal - brave, composed, firm, masculine, and at the same time incredibly caring and warm - and ideals cannot have complexes.

Or maybe they can?

He looked up at Tarkowska. The doctor smiled warmly at him. Oddly, she was so little older than him, and seemed much more experienced in life, and was definitely very smart.

"So what should I do?" he asked, not with desperation but with determination. He really wanted to be with Andrzej as before this incident, when their relationship was full of erotic tension and a certain lightness.

"Hmm, I don't know. If it were me, I would tell him everything. Of course, I would be very afraid of losing him, but I wouldn't be able to live in fear all the time, I just wouldn't be able to do it, so I would like to face reality and get it over with."

"And if ..." the very thought of the breakup was too painful for him to think to the end. Tarkowska, however, seemed to have read it.

"There is such a possibility, but you know what? I think it will be okay. I don't know Andrzej very well, but from what I've noticed he is very intelligent. He's probably well aware of your flaws and accepts them anyway. He accepts you."

Right, the actor thought. After all, Andrzej was associated with him, he knew all his experiences. He knew about his experiences with Marczak. He must have realized there was something wrong with Dominic to attract people with such brutal inclinations.

Not people. Human. Only one, only Marek. One man is the exception, two are the introduction to the rule. So then ...

But Werner ...

Werner was a crazy fan, not a part of his life. Dominik did not get involved with him. Many movie and song stars have fans who should end up in a mental hospital, and it wasn't the artists' fault, but that some couldn't tell reality from delusions, like Werner. Who knows how many artists in the world have suffered from such a misunderstood love and, like him, remained silent, fearing the reaction of the environment and fans. Werner was therefore a professional risk, not a blemish on the character of a young actor.

However, Tarkowska was right. Dominik will not stand this fear for long. He already felt that the fear of abandonment, of losing Andrzej, was starting to cloud his mind. If he lets it continue, he will accidentally hurt the one he loved most in the world.

So he had no choice. He had to bring about a confrontation.

***

The taxi driver, as usual, dropped him off at the very gate of the property. Dominik paid for the course and looked at the dark windows of his house. It was only 4:30 p.m., but in winter it was getting dark so quickly that it sometimes seemed as if the day did not exist at all. Heavy, gray clouds in the sky, which threatened with rain, did not improve the mood of the actor who was facing a difficult, very important conversation.

He entered the empty house and turned on the light. He was just taking off his shoes when someone got up from the couch.

"Andrzej?" Śliwiński exclaimed in surprise. "I thought you were at work!"

"I left early. Mrs. Janka, doesn't mind as long as I'm doing my job."

"Why are you sitting in the dark?"

Nowicki shrugged his shoulders.

"I didn't notice when it got dark. I think I fell asleep. "

Dominik smiled warmly. Andrzej's hair was actually messy, as if he had turned his head several times on the pillow. Only there was no pillow on the couch.

"Did you sleep well?"

"Not really. I have the feeling that I heard every car passing by."

Something jumped in Śliwiński's heart. Andrzej had such a restless nap? Why?

"Trouble at work?" he asked timidly.

"I didn't want to miss your return. You didn't let me drive you, but I couldn't help it that ... I was worried about you ..."

The strategy that had been constructed for the entire journey collapsed in ruins. Dominik stared at the handsome face of the man he loved and who had always been there for him and with him, from the first moment they met. Only real friend. The only man to whom he could always tell anything, and he was there for him. Always, so why now...? Suddenly he felt his eyes wet. Fear, uncertainty, love, gratitude, and guilt flooded him in a great, nervous river.

"Andrzej, it's all sitting inside me and I can't get rid of it. What Marczak did to me, how he enslaved and betrayed me. How Werner lied to me and used. There is something wrong with me, since I trigger such behavior in people."

"Are you afraid that I will do that too?"

"No. Yes. I do not know. No. You wouldn't hurt me that way, never, but ... I must be broken, flawed. Eventually you will see it and you will go away and I will be left alone, heartbroken. And I won't survive this anymore. And it scares me because I know I'm just as crazy about you as Werner or Marczak is with mine. And you are too good, too beautiful to endure such a madman..."