Chapter 124 - Discovering more

"Your mother may have been using drugs at the time or even addicted to them."

Every word reverberated in Shi Ai's ear like a gong. She looked confused and lost for a moment before looking at him with a question in her eyes. The question though unsaid was loud in his ears. Without a word, he pointed to the needle marks on her mother's arms as well as the haphazardly spread injections visible on a small table on the side.

Shi Ai stared carefully and then tried to think of a way to explain away the presence of the injections, "Maybe they are medicinal or maybe they belong to someone else.."

Ah Hai nodded and agreed with Shi Ai saying, "Yes, maybe. We are just making guesses as of now."

Shi Ai was however not sure. There had to be more to what he had guessed. She put the photo on the table face down and looked at Ah Hai with clear eyes. He needed to explain somethings. 

Ah Hai knew then that he could not hide this from Shi Ai much longer. But he wanted her to not be affected.

Sighing he explained, "Xiao Ai, please remember all this is just speculation. I am repeating again and again because you have to know it. Initially when you were diagnosed with the heart disease, there were hypotheses that the cause may be genetic or a mutation caused due to many factors during your mother's pregnancy. Since the whereabouts of your parents were unknown, the doctors did not question this much and simply tried to continue treatment. Then when you had the drug episode during school days, your body's reaction was too violent to the drug. Though everyone assumed that it was because of your medicines, Dr Zhang had his doubts and thus he started studying cases of drug uses.

Usually, such a violent reaction happens when a person who was an addict once but consumed drugs again after being sober for a long while. Thus causing the brain to over stimulate suddenly. Combined with such case studies and your heart condition he concluded that there was a possibility that your mother had abused drugs during pregnancy and that you may have also been affected by this causing your heart to not grow well. Condensed with these and this photograph, you know how I reached the conclusion."

Shi Ai was crying pitifully by now and Ah Hai was at a loss. Her eyes had veered, indicting him as she said quietly, "You knew this long ago."

Ah, Hai went to Shi Ai and tried to hold her hands but she snatched them away, "You should not have hidden this from me!"

Ah Hai looked at his empty hands hanging in mid-air and then said, "Because we were not sure. I lt would have only hurt you."

Shi Ai was crying openly now. "This hurts me even more. I know that there are many things about you that I do not know. Things that you have kept hidden but this was about me and you had no right to do that! Even if it was all assumption, I should have known! You should have told me all the dirt that is stained on me!

Ah, Hai was now angry at Shi Ai and this caused him. to blurt without thinking, " Xiao Ai! Just because someone took drugs does not make them dirty! And if you truly believe that then you let me ask you something. How do you think I know so much about drugs and their marks? Would you like to guess? No? Let me tell you, I know so much because I was also a drug addict! So I guess that makes me dirty in your eyes too? Would you like to know more? During the drug-induced haze, I had no idea who I slept with. All that mattered was the next dose! And at least your mother must have been facing hardsh.i.p.s so she may have a so-called reason to use those but I had no reason also. I just wanted to have fun! So Shi Ai, next time you think of me remember that I am a dirty person too!"

Having exploded in anger, Ah Hai then walked out of the kitchen towards his room. 

Ah Hai's anger, however, brought out a sense of clarity in Shi Ai. She remembered how he had implored her to not judge when he had been about to tell her about her mother. And like a fool she had done just that. Ignoring his words just remembering the pain that she was in.

This was the first time that Shi Ai realized that maybe her Knight was not the perfect man she had always thought him to be. He also had his own fears and weaknesses and she had ignorantly poked at his wounds. She remembered how everyone who knew Ah Hai had warned her to grow up before trying to get him and she had actually thought that she was m.a.t.u.r.e and would be able to handle him. But tonight, she was made aware of her inadequacy. In failing to pay heed to his words and the under current in them,she had hurt him. 

No! She would not let him be hurt because of her. She needed to explain that she had not meant that her mother was dirty! Just the past behind her was dirty and murky! He had misunderstood her!Standing up with so much force that the chair that she was sitting on fell backwards,Shi Ai ran up to Ah Hai's room. At the door,she paused for a moment,uncertain of how she was going to explain without causing any misunderstanding. She also realized that she was scared. Never had she seen such a cold light in his eyes directed towards her! She had heard from Zhang Min how scary he was that night when she was in the hospital but she had always assumed that he would have exaggerated. But now she knew that he could have been scarier. No! She would not let him be like that towards her. He had never had a wall when he was with her and he would not erect one in the future also! Hardening her resolve,Shi Ai,decisively knocked on the door. However there was no answer. She knew he had come here but since he was not answering,she was at a loss. Should she try entering without knocking or should she give him some time to calm down? Shi Ai almost retreated to go back but something inside her warned her that if she stepped back tonight,she would lose him forever. So she tried her luck in opening the door and breathed in relief when it opened. At least he had not locked her out!So the situation was salvageable.

But the room's inside was pitch black and since she had never been into the room,she had no idea of it's layout.  She put her hand on the wall next to the door to find a light switch when his cold voice sounded,"Leave the lights be! Also go back to your room. We can discuss the rest tomorrow."

Shi Ai guessed from the sound of his voice where he was and slowly walked in closing the door behind her and shrouding the room in darkness once more as the little beam of light from the open door was cut off. Hesitatingly she placed one step in front of the other,trying to avoind making a sound or hurting herself. Unknown to her,Ah Hai's dark eyes were observing her every move while they glittered with a cold light. He saw her struggle in the darkness,stub her toes multiple times but his eyes remained cold. Even he himself did not understand why he was so angry. He had already come to terms with his own past. Atleast that is what he had always believed. But his outburst just now made him realize that he still had some unresolved issues. Hearing her say that she was dirty just because she had been affected by something in the past had triggered him!She was not dirty. She was the purest person he knew! She was light to his darkness so how could she be dirty? What Ah Hai did not pause to think was that the events in his past had also not been in his hands only and he believed himself to be sullied so he was maintaining double standards. He had not yet forgiven himself and this was the real cause of his outburst tonight. He did not want Shi Ai to punish herself the way he was used to punishing himself.

Finally, Shi Ai stumbled her way to Ah Hai and touching his shoulders she realized that he was sitting on a chair. Going down on her knees,she placed her hands on his legs and her head in his l.a.p. Her eyes were numb from the physical and emotional pain and she could only let her head stay there and not say anything.