Chapter 125 - Broken

Ah Hai could feel the warmth of her tears seeping through his trousers and scalding him. He hated himself for making her cry like this but hearing what she said had made him unreasonably angry. It also made him realize an ugly truth. He would have to come clean and tell her about the past that plagued him to this date. He did not want to do that. He had fooled himself into thinking that they could move into the future without touching the past.

He was reluctant to tell her anything because he was scared. He accepted that. From the first time when he had met the girl she had reminded him of his younger self. From her clear expression to the adoration in her eyes. He too had once looked at someone just like Shi Ai looked at him. And he was scared that she would not look at him like that anymore if she knew the real him. He was scared to remove his mask in front of her and see loathing.

The silence in the darkness was both oppressing and calming to Shi Ai. At least he had not thrown her out. Just as she was wondering how to approach the topic, Ah Hai's hand moved and he placed it on her head in a c.a.r.e.s.sing manner. His  hand was trembling but Shi Ai did not realize that.Closing his eyes,he started his story. He knew that tomorrow he would not have any courage. It was better to reveal the darkness inside him in this dark room itself. That way he would not have to see the look of horror in her eyes when she knew that the one she loved was only a figment of her imagination and the real Ah Hai was a monster.

"I was thirteen when I fell for her. She was older than me by a few years but she was always there around the house and I had decided that she was going to be mine. Ning Ning. She was my best friend and the person who understood me the most so naturally I fell for her.You know that my parents died when I was young but what you do not know was that they were instead killed in a planned conspiracy. Naturally I did not know this too as my older brothers kept it from me. They did not want me to worry or suffer. I had always been the center of every one's universe because I was the youngest and that continued even after my parents were gone. Matt, Neil and Ryu were always there for me until I turned a teenager. Handling a teenager is a tough job and handling someone who was in love is even more difficult. At that time my brothers were being attacked from every side,be it business or my custody or pressure for Ryu to marry. As a result, I was often left in Ning Ning's care. And I was happy to be with the 'love of my life' for all time. I wanted to grow up really fast so that I could also take care of her. "

As Ah Hai was lost in his faraway world in the past he did not realize that every word he spoke was like a knife being poked into Shi Ai. She had always thought that he was cold to everyone and she was special. Never once had she stopped to think that he may have been in love with someone else. Ah Hai said that he was like her as a young kid that meant that he must have loved the woman with all his heart. Then why did he not get into a relationship with her? Even of she was a few years older it was not that big a deal. So what happened to that woman Ning Ning? Had she refused him and that was the reason for his now cold and aloof attitude? She wanted to ask him but knew that if she interrupted then he may clam up so she stopped herself from flinching and kept her head down listening intently.

"Imagine my surprise and anguish when I realized that Ning Ning was dating and engaged to my second brother. I was lost suddenly. The girl I liked was going to be my sister in law. On one hand I was angry and on the other guilty. The guilt for hating my brother for falling for the same woman I loved.

Then one day they broke up. I must have been fourteen years then. I heard them fighting and I was happy that she had chosen to get out of that hurtful relationship. I consoled her and listened to every complaing she had when she said that my brother had no time for her and she was sure that he must be seeing someone else on the side. I heard them quarreling everytime and then one day finally deciding to call off the engagement. Once again I blamed my brother for hurting her and consoled her. Not once did I think that he really was busy with college and the business. Not once did I stop to think or ask my brother. She cried and made sob stories and like a gullible fool I believed her lies. Yes. That is all they were-lies. The truth was that she had cheated on my brother and the reason that she had given was his indifferent attitude against her. Slowly she drifted out of my life and I could do nothing about it because I was too young. In my prejudiced way I continued to acc.u.mulate hatred towards Neil. And then one day, almost a year and some months later,she returned. It was like spring had come back after a long winter. She and my brother were together again. And she had 'forgiven' Neil because she realized that she was in love with him. Though I felt wronged on her behalf that she would compromise like this,but I was still happy that she was happy. But once again that happiness was shortlived. She was depressed all the time and I was the shoulder she leaned to cry on. Always pitiful that she was helplessly in love with a man that did not love her back whole heartedly.

To console her and make up for my brother's callousness I began to attend parties with her. I At sixteen I looked older and no one ever stopped to ask me my age and thus began my entry into rave parties. At first I was not too comfortable with all that and I did not understand those people and their wasteful lifestyle much. I only went there to take care of Ning Ning who said that these parties and those people were the only things that helped her forget her depression and hurt. But they were all lies. I was the one who had fallen into the trap of drugs while she never touched those things.Yes. She was not just hurt but angry and in love with the man who had killed my parents. Together the used and manipulated me to destroy myself and this destroy my brothers in the process. And I did destroy them but my brothers were much stronger than my weak self. They rallied around me and pulled me back from that hellish life. Do you know what my biggest fear is, Xaio Ai? It is that someday I will resort to those disgusting things again and lose everything all over. Do you know I still attend those anonymous meetings so that I can keep remembering what a mindless animal I had become."

Once again, Ah Hai paused in his narration but this time Shi Ai knew that whoever this woman called Ning Ning was, had not just rejected him but had hurt him deeply and ruthlessly. The way he explained that woman's character, Shi Ai could already guess that the woman had been a green tea bit*ch who had played with the feeling of both brothers. But she could not guess that the truth was even worst than she could have anticipated. Rave parties. Drug addict and revenge. That was the extent her innocent mind could take to guessing. But Ning Ning had been much more dangerous and sadistic. And so had Ah Hai when he had recovered..

Ah Hai knew that she had guessed the rest of the story so he stopped there. He realized that he did not have the courage to tell her more. Not now.Ning Ning had destroyed not just Ah Hai's innocence and heart but she had broken him into pieces. He had gathered himself piece by painful piece but what was broken could only be mended not restored to it's previous condition. Later, the army was the only thing that had saved Ah Hai from going crazy. But it had turned him into a heartless man. And he had been content to be heartless until a little girl in a princess dress had barged into his life and placed her innocent trust in him.