Chapter 41 - I'm Not Ready

"Miss Carter?" asked the doctor snapping her fingers in front of my face, "are you okay?"

My mind was all foggy and far away from this room at the doctor's office.

The doctor's concerned voice was like a distant voice fading into the background as one enters the light. 

Me? Pregnant?

I was not ready to be a mom especially not a single one.

I was overwhelmed with emotions, the dominant ones being fear, worry and guilt.

I feared that my parents would disown me for ruining my reputation. 

I was worried that I would have had to do this all alone with out no guidance nor support. 

I felt guilty that I was going to bring a bastard child into this world whose father was the fiancé of my ex best friend.

I didn't want to be selfish and put my child through a life where they will be looked down upon and grow up without a father.

I grew up with my father so I know how important it is to have one.

I didn't want to be selfish and abort my child for they did nothing wrong and deserved life

I weeped for my child for this world is not a pretty place.

My heart ached as emotions swirled around in my brain blocking out all that is around me.

The doctor had been shaking me and calling out my name for the past five minutes but I was too far in my thoughts to tap back in in reality.

A single tear roles down my cheek as I finally managed to tap into reality. 

The doctor was now in front of me, her hands on both of my shoulders as she looked me in the eye, hers filed with compassion as she spoke, "I know this might come as a shock to you and that you might be scared but I will be alright. I know you didn't plant for this but trust me this baby is a blessing. I see a bright future for the of you but if you decide to not go through with it, it is entirely your decision. "

My head snapped up my eyes widening as her words resonated, "of course I will go through with the pregnancy. Its not their fault that their mother was irresponsible."

"Don't blame or best up yourself over this. It takes two sex gametes to make a baby and you only have one."

I shook my head yeah agreeing with her then she continued to ask the question that I knew was coming but dreaded anyway, "is the father present? How is the relationship between you two?"

I lowered my head and sighed not knowing what to say.

She probably will think of me as how Harin does, a thirsty whore.

"Well things are complicated. Well you see it was my first time, you know being umm intimate and it was just a one time thing so it will just be me."

I twisted my arms out of shame and she placed a comforting hand on my shoulder, "it's okay. It's not your fault. It only takes once to get pregnant so you wouldn't have known. Since it was your first time I can see how overwhelming this can be but I just want to advise you to stay strong okay?"

I nodded my head as I barely raised my head to take a glance at her sympathetic eyes, " Okay."

She smiled as she took my hands in her caressing the back of my palms and I oddly began to feel better. 

I returned her smile as she let go of my hand before turning to her desk to scribble something on a piece of paper. 

"Here," she said handing me the paper, " this is a prescription for your back ache that you can get at the pharmacy near by. It will relieve your pain so massage it onto your injured area for a few minutes before bed."

"Thank you." I said as I took the paper trying to read the scribbles but she was a doctor after all.

"Though I can't prescribe any meds for your morning sickness I would suggest drinking some chamomile tea to reduce nausea. You can even have some plain salty crackers and cheese, soups, dried fruit, dry toast with honey and jam and rice, pasta or noodles."

I nodded mentally making a list of all the foods, my mouth watering at the thought of all the delicious food listed. 

Usually at the sight or mention of food I would feel nauseous and gag but these foods surprisingly didn't set off my gag reflexes.

"Also remember to eat healthy for you and the baby. That will be all, I think we've covered everything so you can wait in the lobby as the nurse creates a schedule of your doctor's visit and appointments. I'll see you then Miss. Carter. Keep safe and have a good day."

She held me down from the bed and smiled at her, waving goodbye as I exited the room.

The mother and her bay were still in the lobby and only went into the room when their name was called.

The baby smiled and giggled at me as she retreated into the room in her mother's hand and my heart warmed at the thought that I was carrying my own.

When I was younger I had imagined my self as a stay at home mom with two kids in a wonderful suburban home with a wonderful husband. 

As I got older my feminism had blossomed and I no longer wanted to stay at home, taking care of the kids and being in the kitchen, depending on a man as he go out and work to put food on the table.

As I have now matured I have come to the realization that feminism is whatever a woman chooses to do with her life, being happy about it and not what society tells her to do.

Feminism is whatever you feel comfortable with.

Women should be able to do what they want without a man or society telling her that that is not how a lady should act.

Feminism is minding your business and keeping your mouth shut and out of things that don't concern you when a woman is involved. 

"Miss Carter here is your doctor's schedule and we will be seeing you soon. Take care now." said the nurse snapping me out of my big presidential speech.

"Oh thank you. I'll see you soon." I said as I took the envelope from her hand and exited the building. 

The air around me felt different as I walked down the blocks towards the pharmacy.

The wind has changed and it signify my new chapter in life.

I took a deep breath and exhaled as I hugged my body thinking of what I was going to say to my parents. 

I sighed as my mind rendered blank as I stepped into the pharmacy, a step into my new life.