Chapter 42 - Alice In Wonderland

My mind was foggy as I walked down the aisle of the pharmacy trying to collect my thoughts.

"What am I going to do?", "should I tell him?", "will my parents be disappointed?", what will Harin think", "should I abort it?", "will my brothers kill me?", "will I still be my father's favorite?", "how will I take care of a child?"  were all the questions swirling around my mind as I circled the aisle after aisle absentmindedly.

My mind was a jumbled mess and I had no idea how to turn off the voices in my head.

"Excuse me ma'am?" I heard a voice faintly called and I turned my head in the direction where the sound has come from, "do you need any help? You have been walking around the pharmacy like a zombie for a while now. Is everything okay?"

I stared at the lady for a while as if I really was a mindless zombie before my mind could have registered what she had said.

Was I okay?

"Do I look like I am  okay?" I thought as I answered politely as I walked up to her, handing her my prescription seeing as she was the cashier "Huh. Oh yeah I'm fine." 

She took the paper gracing me with a gentle smile and I tried my best return her gesture but my smile came out as pained and forced. 

Was there even anything to smile about?

Do I even deserve to smile?

I am a disappointment and a disgrace.

My mind was doing that thing again where it fell into a rabbit whole of thoughts as if it were a reenactment of Alice in Wonderland that I didn't hear it the first time or the second that she called out my name.

"Miss Carter Hello" she called once more, snapping her fingers in my face which caused me to blink back into reality.

She finally had my attention after her first two failed attempts. What can I say? Third times the charm right?

I was now staring at her unblinkingly as she placed my items in a bag, " That will be $50 Miss Carter. Will you be paying with cash or card?"

I remained silent as I pulled some cash from out of my purse and handed her a $100 dollar bill. 

I needed to get a job if I was going to support me and the baby.

The baby.

It still felt foreign on my tongue to say and it made me feel queasy.

She took the cash from hands gently wriggling it from my hands as I was gripping it too hard.

She quickly typed up my receipt and handed me my change no doubt wanted me out of the pharmacy as soon as possible for I was understandably acting weird "Well if that be all Miss Carter, thank you and have a nice day."

I gave her a polite nod as I had still found it hard to form coherent words at a time like this.

I stepped out of the pharmacy into the city of Seoul to have the honking of cars to wake me up from my daydream.

I had found myself in the middle of the street with the light on green and had caused a commotion.

"Hey lady are you crazy?" honked an obviously angry motorist driving by.

"I'm sorry" I yelled back as I hugged the bag tightly towards my chest startled. 

When did I get there and where was I?

"Whatever!" I faintly heard the driver say angrily as he sped away leaving me on the sidewalk with other pedestrians staring and whispering. 

I pulled the bag closer as I ran into the direction that I thought was the bus stop and let out a sigh of relief when I saw it was.

I couldn't go home right now because I don't trust myself being alone with my thoughts.

I decided to go to the Han River and take a break to collect my thoughts and how I was going to go about this journey and if I was going to at all.

I sat at the bus stop swinging my legs waiting patiently for the next bus to arrive that will take me to the Han River but it felt like forever and me and the baby were starting to get hungry.

The baby.

My baby.

I smiled at the thought of having my own baby and rubbed my belly in a circular motion feeling a surge of emotions that can be described as love and guilt.

I felt love for my unborn child because I was bringing him or her into the world to grow up with and shower will love and affection but I felt guilty that I was bringing him or her into such a  world.

I didn't want to be selfish and them forward but I also didn't want to be selfish and not give them a chance  to see the light of day.

I needed guidance and my mother but I was afraid that she would disown me and turn me away.

My biggest fear in life is to be deemed as a disappointment to my family for I have been the pride and joy for so long.

Being the goal oriented one in my family is my soul purpose.

If I'm not seen as the responsible and smart one then who am I?

Have I lost my identity?

I let my guard down once and this is where it has got me. Knocked up by my ex bestfriends fiancé in college whiteout a job a millions of miles and a different time zone away from my home, away from my family.

A loud honk, sounding as if it were the trumpets signaling the judgement day jolted my already shaking heart.

I was about to curse who ever it was when I realized that it was just the bus driver trying to get my attention, "stop day dreaming in public lady. Are you coming miss?"

I was still angry at the fact that he startled me and my hands were still in a fist but I took a deep calming breath before gathering my things and entering the bus.

I swiped my bus card as I side eyed the driver making my way to the back of the bus to take an empty seat.

The bus was fairly crowded which give me sense of relief for I didn't feel like being alone at a time like this.

The Han River was about a fifteen minutes drive from here with out traffic so I made myself comfortable and thought about how much fun I was going to have with the baby.

My baby.