Chapter 102 - The Green, Green Grass of Home

I caught hold of another meeting today. After escaping the Angelic Army and witnessing my sudden kissing of Mary, Mother flew into a rage yet again. But it wasn't only her who flared up this time. No, Rhea, Becks and Bubbles were also less than pleased. Taking charge, Mother quickly set up a raised platform outside on the swaying grass and called the court to order.

Father was roped in too, with me by their side sitting on a slightly lower platform.

"Bring the prisoner!"

Mother wore a dark robe with a gavel in hand.

"Any last words?"

Mary was not dragged in anywhere since we were all already outside. She simply sat neatly on the ground with her head bowed, awaiting judgment. From Mother's words it seemed that unlike Charlotte's trial this hearing was a farce and Mary's sentence already decided.

Mary gazed at everyone in turn, took a deep breath, and lied through her teeth.

"I...did not have s.e.x.u.a.l relations with that boy, Young Master Damien. I never told anybody to lie, not a single time. Never. These allegations are false and I--"

"You were riding his d.i.c.k for a full two minutes even when I was attacking you!" Mother roared furiously, throwing her gavel at a nearby mountain and shattering it. We ignored the loud rumbling, but my back had a bit of a cold sweat.

Father, who'd been sipping from a flask, almost choked. "Seriously? Mary was? Her?"

"I saw them." Mother confirmed. Father shook his head and whistled low.

"Who'd have thought…." He rubbed his chin in wonder and took another swig.

"Is that your only reaction?!" Mother waved a fist at him. "That overgrown weed was...with my baby...in my own home, no less! I hate it! I hate it! Ahhhh!!!!!" She m.o.a.ned in a mixture of pain and anger. I could almost see dark flames burst from her body as she shouted towards the heavens.

"I mean...they both consented to it though? You wanted to pimp him out to all kinds of foreign race women anyway so what the hell are you mad about?" Father lifted an eyelid and watched her closely. He pretended not to care, but I could see the tightening of his hands on his shoulders as he folded them together over his chest, attempting calmness.

"That's different! They didn't do what she did! You don't even know. Hmph. And I even forgave her, but then she goes and seduces my son? Mates with him in my own room, making the place stink of her? I should've uprooted her years ago!"

Rhea barked out a laugh. "That was your own mistake. I've always told you, you aren't decisive enough. Now look what's happened. She ate your son before you. Well, I suppose it's better for me this way. My husband should know a woman or two so that he can fully appreciate my superiority later on."

"You f.u.c.k.i.n.g overgrown pixie, shut up! Who asked you? What are you doing here anyway? Do you want to die? Stay away from me and my family."

"You mean our family, don't you, mother-in-law?" Her small, measured smile was perfectly crafted to get on Mother's nerves.

"What did you just say!" She exploded. "Who is your mother-in-law?! I don't have such a s.l.u.tty bitch of a daughter!"

"Husband, are you going to let your mother speak to me that way?"

I couldn't even open my mouth before Rebecca's arm shot out and laid a sharp, icy sword at the woman's neck. "You have quite some courage to be calling other peoples heartmates your husband."

Her tone was very mild and smooth, but it caring bone-chilling notes.

"Just for the record, I want it to be known that I am, legally speaking, his only official wife. I will share with Becks since she's always been so nice to me, but everyone else can kindly f.u.c.k off, okay? At least this Fae-bitch, certainly." Bubbles cut in.

"Just a sardine." Mother tsk. "And a frozen dead fish. I don't accept my son being your heartmate. "

"Whether you do or not is of no consequence. As long as he lets me stay by his side, your own opinions don't matter. Hate me if you want, even. I won't go back to the coldness."

"Don't worry, sis. He's a good bed warmer."

From a few feet away, sitting on a bench, I noticed Evie lifting her head at the last words.

"Like father like son." Father nudged me. "Popular all around."

I stared him down. "You are only normally popular. I'm a harem hentai protagonist. You can't understand my pain."

"I don't know about that. I had hundreds of hopefuls following me around constantly back in the day."

The poor fool. Guys, it's time I revealed a few untold stories about my time at the Academy these past few months.

"These past few months I had women throwing their panties at me every day when I walked home."

"....Hm?"

"The wives of shop owners whose stores I frequented would invite me over when their husbands weren't home. The seamstress and her daughter started undressing each other when I was trying on a new shirt."

"Well, that wasn't uncommon for me either…"

"Girls at school sent me baked goods saying they were made with special love juice."

"What the f.u.c.k is love ju-?"

"A support group was founded to help women get over their addiction of me. There's a law called the Damien Defense where one can claim being under the influence...of me."

"That's ridiculous."

"A trio of lollies preformed inhuman experiments on people to try and give themselves cat ears so I would pat their heads."

"..."

"..."

I was about to say more when he held up a hand and stopped me, "Please don't. I get it. " He sighed. "Son, you really have it rough, don't you?"

I wanted to cry. Rough? Dude all I want is to grow weed and willow saplings on a farm somewhere but all I get is ****. I've got the Master C.o.c.k and everyone bitch I come across can't wait to fit it in their damn key holes. My mother might've already molested me. My sister WANTS to molest me, and I ain't even sure she understands what that it.

A whore of Angels DID molest me. And they're also my daughters from a past life, so that's a really F.U.C.K.I.E.D situation. I have who knows how many Goddesses tryna find me so they CAN molest me. And every other woman I meet these days is either my soul mate or some obsessive yandere liable to kill everyone around me if I don't keep her drugged out of her mind.

NOT TO MENTION that besides ALL of that shit, I also got some weird system latching onto me saying my class is Pimp.

Like what the hell, man?

Does this thing not understand how many times I've been taken advantage of for my body? Pimp, my ass. I may as well be a p.r.o.s.t.i.t.u.t.e, least earn some f.u.c.k.i.n.g money out of this. My card would read: Damien Bigolo, isekai gigolo.

Christ.

F.u.c.k. I'm hungry, too. My mouth feels like it has cottonballs in it. I looked at Mary, tongue dry, wanting to wet it with a bit of cannabis oil straight from the tap.

The woman shook her head from all the bickering going around from the various judges and caught my eye. She saw me licking my lips and I knew she understood what I was thinking. She glared at me, probably chastising me in her mind for having those kinds of thoughts at a time like this. Then she saw my father clapping my back in an attempt at comfort and her entire self turned dismal.

Whether she still really loved him or just kept telling herself she did, either way this was a situation where the man she'd always cared for was attending a trial where she was guilty of sleeping with his son. I couldn't imagine how she must be feeling.

"Alright, alright, quiet down all of you." Mother beat the table with a hand, eliciting a loud bang. "Order in the court!" She intoned. "Rosemary, you are hereby found guilty of the following charges: One case of statutory **** and three cases of a.d.u.l.tery. You are sentenced...to life imprisonment. " She stood up. "Let's get this over with, I'm going to be later for my afternoon cuddle with my son."

"Since when was that a thing?" I asked.

"Oh, son...I'm a judge now. If I say it's a thing, it's a thing."

This here was sounding awfully familiar.

"Now take her away!"

I promptly stood up, walked over, and carried the bound Mary in my arms. My actions cause an uproar.

"What do you think you're doing?! I didn't mean you!" Mother cursed. "Unhand my son right now, harlot!"

This woman…

"I'm not sure if you guys heard me the first time, but I was r.a.p.ed by those Angels back there a few days ago." Was all I said in response, intending to shift the attention.

Silence.

"Well?" I raised a brow. "What, nothing to say about that?"

"Mary, that...is what he saying actually true?" There were few people Father trusted more than Mary to tell the truth, I knew.

"...I'm sorry."

He muttered a curse.

I saw Mother's eyes turn wide and water up. She raised trembling hands towards me. "Oh...my baby….no…." She cried. "Are you okay? My poor boy...how could this happen to my precious baby!" She sniffled. She turned to chocolate pudding, slowly making her way over. She was a giant sobbing blob.

I almost expected her to start clinging to me. But she stopped halfway and turned quiet.

"Mother?" I called out cautiously.

"...There's no need for those f.u.c.k.i.n.g birds to exist anymore." All of a sudden I felt a nightmarish wave of bloodl.u.s.t that was thick enough to make me feel like someone was stabbing a knife between my eyes. "How dare they…" She panted roughly. " To my son. My SON! I'll murder every single one of those goddamn pigeons...every one!"

She grabbed Mary from my hands before anyone could say a word. "Open the Gate! Open it right now! I'm going to eradicate every Angel in existence. I'll butcher them all!"

The hell...did I just start a war?

***

"Welcome, outsiders. We are the dwarves of the western forests. It's cool to meet you. Please, make yourselves at home. And here, have a doobie."

After rushing into the forest with Mary in my arms, having forcibly taken her back from Mother and everyone else running along after me when I followed the woman into the forest, it wasn't long before the first of the indigenous people came to greet us.

I shit you not, everyone...they looked like high shotas. Dressed in fur robes, they came in the dozens. Their slightly reddened, vacant eyes had definite notes of chill kindness. They was no guile or defensiveness to their faces.

They simply welcomed us as one would a new neighbor.

"Oh my god, dwarves in this world look like kids." I stared.

The first dwarf, who now introduced himself as Botlyr, or Botty, smiled. "Our bodies have been preserved thanks to the natural properties of our native holy herbs. It's in the food we eat, the water we drink and the incense we burn. Because of this, our bodies stop their aging process at around twelve to thirteen human years old, some of us even younger. Bitches never grow old here. Our women are always fine and fresh and our males stay supple and virile. What, jealous yet?"

I saw Mary hiding her face in my shoulder. Her cheeks were red. Was she...embarrassed by them?

"I have found my place in this world. At long last, I'm truly...home." I shed a single manly tear as the sun's rays shined down on my face through the overhanging branches. I took Mary's chin and turned her head up, kissing her deep. "Thank you." I held her close and tight.

She started pushing at my face. "You're always so clingy!" She complained.

I saw several of the shota dwarves--pretty boys every one, far from the haggard, big nosed and bearded ones from every fantasy story ever--nudge one another. "Look bruh," One said excitedly. "Milfs!"

"F.u.c.k.i.n.g nice."

"I call dibs on the s.e.xy bandaged chick."

"I want a crack at the cat-girl...oh f.u.c.k man, those ears…"

"That scary woman with the sparkly aura, I want her to step on me!"

"Those two blue haired sisters look like they know how to have fun, hehe."

"I love pregnant chicks."

"Those green haired babes too, I wanna...Hiiii!" That last one got punted across the f.u.c.k.i.n.g forest by Yours Truly.

"HANDS OFF MY PLANTS!" I snarled. " And my two lovely daughters! And my wife I guess! No touching my cat either!"

But besides that? These truly are my people!

"Look at that dilf….he's so pretty!" Whipping my head around, I found a group of lollies gushing over Father. They reached out with their little hands and were roaming all over his arms, legs, back and chest.

The man was pale-faced and sweating.

"You can have him, I want a piece of THAT." One of them pointed at me. She had a hand over her cheek and was sticking her pinky in her mouth while breathing hard.

"Ohgodsyes." Yet more agreed. "I'd do sinful things to that boy all day long!"

"Look at that bulge...I want to lick it through his pants!"

"Kekeke...."

I could almost hear the Apache helicopters swooping in. "FBI, ON THE GROUND! "

Thirsty lolies...the bane of my existence.

...Eh. F.u.c.k it.

I took the fat doobie offered a moment ago and popped it in my mouth.

"Anyone got a light?"

This is it, boys.

This is where I create my own cartel, with blackjack and hookers.

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