Chapter 180 - Bring The Trebuchets

He was still looking me in the eye, but it was like my words were some sick opposite of "open sesame". His eyes, the window to his soul, usually so open, so transparent, became dark and unreadable. And so, so old.

"Why should I talk about every old secret that might or might not ever be important?" A bitter smile appeared on his lips. "You wouldn't want to know this much about me, anyway. They say that those who know less, sleep better."

I sucked in a breath. I could see this happening as bright as day and didn't want to believe my eyes and ears. Him, JJ, distancing himself from me like he wasn't the one to hit on me in the first place. Yes, I would've fallen after him even if he didn't, I was sure, but still! This wasn't the point.

The point was that I could still see through him. It wasn't rocket physics. JJ never was a person who pretended or hid, and that he was doing it now wrenched my already hurt heart even more. Because there could be only one reason to act this way, and while I wasn't blind to it before now, I always avoided thinking about it.

Because it ached more than anything, enough to make my eyes hot with tears that I fought to keep inside out of pure pride. I never liked to show my fears, and this time wasn't the exception. Even more so because JJ was the reason for them in the first place.

If he simply didn't want to talk about his past, he'd say so. Maybe hesitate a little at first, act embarrassed, but admit that he simply didn't want to. But not like that. Not in this way. This way that created that wall between us—not physical, but it could as well have been. We stood just next to each other, but it felt like he suddenly shifted a kilometre away.

I knew it because he didn't care for me—not the way I did. And he must've noticed that it was so. Why else would he be pushing back? Telling me with this bitter smile to back off, because this was hopeless?

Well, I already revved myself up to not give up before this conversation even began, I might as well not give up. My eyes narrowed as my mind began to calculate and plan like it did when I was negotiating, ignoring the pain in my soul.

JJ was too cool and collected to break down under heat. There was no way raising my voice at him, going into head-on attack, would help. I had to be more cunning, try a softer approach. Swallow my anger and let the sorrow show.

Yes, if that didn't trigger his protective—instincts, habits?—and break that wall, then I was really done. Not in long term—I had to keep trying there!—but in the short term, here and now, this was my best shot.

I took in a deep breath, letting go of my anger. It was easier than I thought it would. Now I wasn't mad. I was just sad that this stood up between us like that, when I was hoping so much that our relationship will be smooth, with Christina gone and with me studying healing magic under the best specialist in not-ageing after vampires and other arch-witches. Too bad that, it seemed, I was the only one with hopes here.

"JJ." I swallowed the lump that got in my throat, tried again. Despite all the planning that I did lightning-fast just now, the words wouldn't come to my tongue easily. "Jean-Jacques. That's not true." Then it got better. In fact, the words just poured out without checking in with my brain first. "I know that there must've been plenty of good and bad stuff in your life. It was a long one, after all. In fact, if you were to tell me all, ALL of it… Hell, you probably could write a book from it. Like Interview with the Vampire, but with a different vampire. It's just… this was relevant, not directly, but it was. And so were other things, but you so rarely talk about yourself unless I ask."

I felt these traitorous tears on my eyelashes now, but my rational, not-prideful side told me it was just the right touch. Well, I didn't care about rationale anymore. I couldn't negotiate in cold blood with my feelings affected as they were. The stronger you love, the more you get hurt. "Do you really think, after all that time, that I will shame you about something you were or did or not did centuries ago? Don't you know me better by now? Don't you think I know YOU better?"

"Diana." He lifted his hand, as if to reach for my cheek, but then it froze in the air. Through his green eyes, I saw the war that was waged within and watched it with a silent plea in my head. Let my side win. Let care overcome fear.

Then, his eyes closed, and his hand fell. For several heartbeats, I had no idea what was going on inside his head, but had already prepared for the worst. A lone tear fell down my cheek, but that was unrelated. That was on its own.

I wiped it with my sleeve without closing my eyes, afraid to miss a moment of JJ's decision. Afraid to even so much as blink or sniff in the snot that began to pool in my nose because of these tears. Dumb, dumb tears. This wasn't the end of anything. He would turn around yet.

When JJ took my face in his hands, brushed his thumbs under my eyes to wipe at the tears, smiled at me with the most gut-wrenching gentleness, I knew what decision he made. And from this knowledge, even more unbidden tears fell from my eyes, and there was just no way to hold them back.