Chapter 55 - Falling In The Abyss Of My Emotions

Yasurouka's POV

I wanted to sleep a bit more but my mom woke me up at 9 am saying it's 12 pm. This is so unfair. At least she should let me sleep till 10 am on weekends.

I was sitting on my bed and checking through my texts. I noticed his name on top of my chat list. I don't even know how I can talk to him so much. Well, most of the time he is the one listening as I keep spamming the texts.

Still, it's weird how much I talk with him, considering I didn't even know him. Well, technically I knew him as a friend of Gaisen. I never thought I would be talking with him one on one.

He is really weird though, but seems like his level of weirdness matches mine. But of course he is more weird than me. He always has this gloomy face and his eyes seem like they're dead.

I can't believe he lectured me yesterday. Looking at him, he seems like the kind of guy who doesn't really care about anyone, but he is kind of interested in me, I think. I could be wrong though, since I'm not really a likeable person.

He calls me cute sometimes, but he might be joking. I know about myself, and I'm not really attractive. I was never to begin with.

I caressed my hands through my hair as I held a strand of hair and started rolling it on my index finger. I remembered the time I used to have long hair. Unfortunately, I cut them last year because I didn't like them anymore.

I still remember that day, when he said that he liked my long hair. I cherished that moment so much, but I kept it in a corner of my mind after he started dating another girl.

I won't deny the fact that my friendship with him was really precious, and we were really close but over time, I developed feelings for him. The more I talked with him, the more I fell for him.

But that time, I never had the courage to confess my love for him. I just kept falling in the abyss of my emotions. The news of him dating another girl was really shocking to me but it was my fault that I didn't confess my love earlier.

But would confessing earlier could have altered the outcome? Of course it wouldn't have. Looking at the girl he was dating, and then looking at me, I knew that I never stood a chance in the first place.

Did I despise him for not choosing me?

Of course not. Some things are just not meant to work out.

He was leagues above me, and that day I came to realise my place. I wasn't anything more than a second choice for him. But I probably deserved that.

I mean, I can't change myself, can I?

Why am I like this?

It was my fault to think that someone will ever love me. I was at fault to believe that there was something more than friendship between us. And I won't make the same mistake again with Sakamaki.

No matter how interested he might look, at the end of the day, it can be from a friend's perspective and that's the case here most, probably.

But I still can't help but feel restless around him sometimes. I still can't get the image of me and him standing so close to each other under the same umbrella. But that's just a normal reaction that anybody would have if they share such moments with someone of opposite sex.

I don't even know from which angle I appear as cute to him. I don't like him acting all smart in front of me. Though, he says some good things sometimes.

He accepted me as a weed, but still there was no hesitation in his voice when he said all that stuff. It was like he knew what I was thinking. He told me not to look down upon myself and that I'm good the way I'm but that's just bullshit people say so that you don't feel bad. 

I could never tell what he was thinking because of the straight expression he wears on his face.

But I could feel that he was saying his honest opinion about me.

Why am I even thinking about that jerk!? He is annoying anyways. Ugh! I hate my mind. It's always overthinking things for no reason whatsoever.

I looked at my last text with him and I was telling him about my plan with Koi today. She was going to a karaoke place down the station with Uyeno from B class. I didn't really have a choice since she ordered me to tag along with her.

I know Uyeno, and somehow I didn't like the idea of this hangout event with her. She seems really nice from the outside, but I can tell that she is a bitch.

However, Koi was good friends with their group so I couldn't really force my ideala on her. Maybe I don't like that Uyeno girl. I specifically hate her friend Isobe. She is an even bigger bitch than Uyeno.

I just talk with them to maintain social courtesy. I wonder if I was like Sakamaki, I would even bother acknowledging their existence. I really like this side of him though. 

Ah, why am I thinking of him!?!

I decided to take a nap again. I woke up around 1 pm for lunch. Our plan was around 4.30-5 in the evening so there was still plenty of time.

I decided to text Koi and Gaisen to pass my time since I didn't have much to do, anyway. 

Actually, I did have my physics notes to revise, so I changed my mind. Our end semester exams were also closing in so I better study well or my mom will disown me.

Time really flies by when you're doing something interesting. It was already 4 pm, and I was getting a call from Koi. I picked up the call.

"Hey, what are you doing?"

"Answering your call."

"No… tsk… seriously? You think this is funny?" I could hear the irritation in her voice.

"Your reaction sure is." I chuckled. "I was just about to look for something to wear." I continued.

"You still aren't ready?"

"Nope, I was studying."

"Ah… study… yes I completely forgot about it…" She said in an energetic voice. I don't understand how she is so energetic.

"Anyways, meet me near the station, alright?" She added, and waited for me to affirm it.

"Alrighty." I said and the call ended there. I opened my closet to choose something to wear.