36 Plans Mess Up

Alright. I just sent the scout fairies out to keep tabs on the enemy just ten or so minutes ago. With them doing that, I can start planning on how the hell I'll defend the grove. Not an easy feat to solve with our limited resources. If I just had some handy dandy magic or a god damn cheat system, I'd actually be able to win pretty easily against them. Suddenly, a screaming ball of glowing light zipped into the grove.

"Joe! We have trouble! Lots of it!" The ball of light shouted. Wait. That's not a ball of light! That's Joseline! Why the hell do these fairies always look like god damn balls of light from a distance!?

"Calm down, Joseline. Just tell me what this trouble is." The moment I said this though, she gasped, staring at me in absolute shock.

"He knows my name!" She squealed while dancing around in the air happily.

"Joseline. Focus."

"Ah! There's a lot of adventurers heading this way! And they're using those pine cone things to find your traps!"

"WAIT WHAT!?" The adventurers actually did use those pine cone bastard pine cones like a minesweeper!? Why!? WHY!? Gaah! We're totally fucked now! We've barely been back for ten minutes and they're already pressing for a counterattack! What to do!? What to do!?

"Umm. Joe? Are you alright..?" Joseline asked while reaching out a hesitant hand. It was only then that I realized the entire time I had been panicking mentally, I was trembling while eerily silent. Shit. I must look terrified right now. That or horrifying. I'm not sure which is worse.

"Don't worry. Just. Well… Gather everyone! We need to prepare for battle! A big one." I told her before walking off. She did a mock salute before flying off.

Aw geez. What the hell will I even do!? I'm not prepared at all for this sort of thing! I'm not a god damn war general! Ok, keep calm Joe. What would Winston Churchill do in a situation like this? Well, I don't know! I'm not the great Winston Churchill, now am I!?

But you know what I am though! The Terrible Joe! And the Terrible Joe says fuck it! If those adventurers want a fight, then a fight they shall have!

~~~~~~~~~

(A few minutes later… Joes POV)

There's the bloody bastards! Striding through the forest all cocky like they own it! Well, they're actually slowly walking through the forest with half of them keeping a watchful gaze on the treetops. Seems they're now a bit concerned about us attacking them from above this time around. I have to admit, their formation this time around isn't half bad. At least, that's what my unprofessional opinion is. I'm no war strategist after all.

The adventurers themselves were spread out with a couple of feet between each of them. Probably to avoid getting arrows and fireballs poured on a large clump of them. Which sucks since that would have made it even better target practice for me. The druid looked to be in the middle with a couple of adventurers in plate armor and wielding shields nearby him. Probably to protect him from any attacks.

And then there are the god damn pine cones. There looked to be around a dozen of them leading from the front. They all had their vines stretched out in front of them to locate any of my spike traps. Every time they found one, they would raise several vines in the air to let them know before moving on. Of course, they removed the camouflage from the trap so the adventurers would be able to see it. Why are they so good at their job?

You're probably wondering where me and the fairies though, aren't you Alfred? Not that you don't already know since you were there, but I'll enlighten you anyways! You might have been grabbing a bite to eat while it went down, after all! You see, Alfred, I rounded up half of the fairies and took to the treetops to see if we could soften the enemy up a bit before they reached the grove.

The other half had to stay with the dryads and help protect them. This left me with a bit over a dozen fairies at my disposal. Not much but in guerilla warfare, it's less about numbers and more about good tactics to fuck with your enemies head. I think. That's probably not it since I actually don't know a whole lot about it. But even if this was actually proper guerilla warfare, I haven't been able to do it for very long so I don't think the effects have taken enough of a toll on them.

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This won't be an easy fight. For now, hit and runs will probably be our only real option if we want to do any damage and still be ALIVE afterward. Now then. Time to give the signal for the hit and runs. And THIS time, I'm not going to use my pheromones because of that god damn druid! And that signal is simple! So simple even an idiot can understand it! Two fireballs fired at the druid for guerilla warfare, and three to run the hell away. I made sure to remind them multiple times that only counts for the start of the battle, just in case.

My fireball glyph once again lit up in preparation to fire. Just as I was about to fire though, the druid looked in my direction. The moment his green eyes landed on me, his face lit up with a maniacal grin. It was only then that my fireball launched at him. He held his staff in both hands and BAM! He swatted the fireball aside sending it flying into the forest. The second fireball followed shortly behind. Using the bottom of his staff, he knocked the fireball up into the sky. All with that shit-eating grin on his face.

The druid then pointed his staff at me and fired off three bolts of green energy at once! I leapt up deeper into the trees, out of the path of the energy bolts, and prepared myself to launch more fireballs. Just as I was thinking it was safe, the energy bolts turned back towards me! What the fuck!? Using my vines, I slung myself through the branches to get clear of the energy bolts path. However, just like before, the energy bolts turned and came flying back after me.

Are these fucking tracking magic bolts!? This is major hacking bullshit, right here! I rushed around the treetops while blasting fireballs at the energy bolts in hopes of making them blow up before they hit me. Much to my dissatisfaction, the energy bolts were able to twist out of the way of both branch and fireball alike. I think I might just have to sacrifice a few more limbs to get out of this mess. Fuck it. I'm not about to die just yet!

I lashed out with several of my vines towards the energy bolts. Surprisingly enough instead of curving around them, the energy bolts zoned in on them and blasted them to bits. A few more vines now destroyed! But at the very least, now I know the magic, while advanced, isn't advanced enough to pick out the individual parts of a target. But seriously. At this rate, I'll run out of vines to use against my enemies! Now onto helping my fairies in this battle! Oh. Oh fuck. This. This isn't good at all.