Chapter 159 - Never Doubt

The look in Kyle's eyes was dark, heated, and full of so many different emotions. His eyes held pain, sorrow, sadness, and so much love that I felt overwhelmed.

"K..Kyle?" I asked him as he stared right at me.

"Jacy." He pulled me into his arms and held me tight and close to his chest.

"W..w..what are you doing?"

"Why didn't you tell me this sooner?" There was a sound like his heart breaking, and I swear I could hear that he was on the verge of crying. "Why didn't you tell me that this had been going on for so long?"

I felt Kyle pull me up onto his lap, his arms still wrapped around me. It was like he was trying to fold me up inside of his arms so that I couldn't get out or something. I had never been held like this in my entire life. Not even with all the ways that Kyle has held me over the last six months, none of them had ever been like this.

"Kyle?" I called his name expecting him to pull away and look at me, but he acted like he hadn't even heard me. "Kyle." I called him again, trying harder to get his attention as I pushed against his chest a little.

"Just let me hold you, please." He didn't budge when I pressed on his chest.

"You probably think that I am weak, don't you? You probably think that I am nothing like the woman you thought you were going to be with." I could feel the sadness filling my voice again. The anguish over these feelings that I tried so hard not to notice, that I tried so hard to bury and forget about; it was all bubbling up inside of me now.

"Why?" He pulled away from me then. So fast that it left me feeling a little dizzy and unbalanced. "Why would I think that you are weak? Why?"

Now I swear that I could see anger in his eyes, and there was an edge to his voice. I simply did not understand the way that he was acting.

"I'm weak. I'm pathetic. I'm not the person that either of us thought that I was. I have been getting scared shitless by a dream every night for months. And for the last week, I ended up crying in my sleep because of that dream. That is the very definition of weakness."

"No, it's not."

When I looked at Kyle, really looked at him, I saw that he was wearing a firm look. I had thought that I was wrong when I saw that look of anger in his eyes, but it was real. He was pissed at me. I knew it. He thought I was weak, worthless, nothing but a waste of time.

"I'm sorry." I bowed my head.

"Good you-." He started to talk, but I wasn't done yet.

"I'm sorry that I am so weak and emotional. I am sorry I am not the mate that you wanted, the mate that you deserved. I'm not good enough for you, and I know it."

"Stop it!" He snapped at me. "Please, Jacy, just stop it." His words cut through me, but his tone had softened by the end of his pleading.

"Why?" I felt the pain well up again. "Why should I stop?"

"Because none of what you're saying is true at all."

Kyle shifted me in his arms again. He brought me up until I was straddling his thighs with my legs pressing onto the couch, cushions next to him. His hands slid up to rest at the small of my back and to hold me in place. And to top it off, he pressed his forehead against mine and closed his eyes for a moment.

"Jacy." He breathed my name on a sigh and tightened his hold on me. "Jacy." He said my name again then again and again. "Jacy. Jacy. Jacy. Jacy. Jacy. Jacy."

"What? What is it, Kyle?" I didn't know what to say besides that. Our faces were too close for me to see anything written in the lines of his face, and his eyes were closed offering me not even a glimpse into his thoughts.

He just sat there and repeated my name again. This time with a voice that was thick with unshed tears and other emotions. 

"Jacy. Jacy. Jacy. Jacy. Jacy. Jacy. Jacy. Jacy. Jacy."

I was forced to just sit there and listen to him for what felt like forever, but it was actually only about five minutes. Finally, he pulled away from me and opened his eyes. I saw that he had indeed been crying. I was thrown by his response to what I had told him. Why was it that he was this beaten up about it? Did he truly regret being with me now?

"Kyle?" My voice was soft, fragile, and uncertain. It wasn't like me at all.

"Listen to me, Jacy. Really listen to what I have to tell you, OK?" I couldn't bring myself to speak at the moment so I only nodded my head. That seemed to be enough for Kyle though because he started to talk again almost immediately.

"You are not weak. You are not pathetic. You are not less than I thought you were. You are not a disappointment to me. If anything, Jacy, this makes me know just how strong you truly are. Do you think that just anyone would be able to hold all of this in for so long?"

"What are you saying?" I cocked one eyebrow and tilted my head as I looked at him in confusion.

"You've been hiding this from me for months. You've been in pain for months, crying and living through a nightmare every night, and I never even knew about it. I am a failure as a mate and a husband. How? How could I have let this continue to happen to you every night for months. How could I have been so inattentive and irresponsible?"

I could see how upset he was about all of this. I thought I was the one to blame here, not him.

"Kyle?" I was shocked by his attitude.

"You're strong, Jacy. You've endured all of this silently without saying a word about it. You've lived this nightmare day in and day out, and all I was doing was forcing you to take naps." I saw that he was crying harder now; this was getting to him more and in a different way than I thought. "If anyone here is pathetic it's me, not you. I wasn't able to see this as it was happening to you."

"No, you don't get it. This was my battle. It's all in my head. It's-."

"It's still my job to help you." He cut me off and asserted himself and let me know that he was sad that he wasn't there for me.

"Kyle." I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him tight, and he returned the hug as he squeezed me tight.

"Talk to me more, Jacy. Please. Don't let something get this bad anymore. Don't let things get to the point where you're so upset and can't sleep. Please, baby, please."

"Are you sure you don't think less of me for this?" I asked him again.

"Not at all." He looked like he still couldn't believe what it was that I was saying to him.

"OK." I nearly sobbed that one word. "Alright, I will tell you next time."

"Thank you." I swear he sobbed too before he continued. "Thank you, thank you, thank you."

"I..I love you." I don't know why, but I felt nervous when I was saying that.

"I love you too. Oh Goddess, Jacy, I love you."

[KYLE POV]

I couldn't believe what it was that Jacy had been enduring for so long. She had been feeling this pain for such a long time, and she hadn't told me about it at all. Why did she think that I would think less of her for this?

"Never doubt my love for you." I added to her after I told her how much I loved her. "Never doubt it again, Jacy. Please. I love you too much to ever let anything get in between us."

After I confirmed my love for her, we finished our dinner. I was glad to see that some of the worry was lessening in her eyes, and she finally had a little bit of an appetite returning to her. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her while we ate.

Jacy simply never ceased to amaze me. She had endured labor without even knowing it. She gave birth at home because she was too strong to know what was happening. And then she had been going through this, and was so strong that I never even knew about it. Clearly, I needed to pay more attention to her so that I didn't get left in the dark like this again.

I was bound and determined to be there for her in the future. It was my job as her mate, her husband, her lover, the father of her child, as a man. I needed to be there for her to show her that no matter what it was that she might be going through, I was going to be here to bear that responsibility and weight with her no matter what. She never had to go through this in silence ever again.

After we were done eating, I carried Maya's bassinet back into the bedroom and started the tub. Then I went out to the living room and scooped my wife up into my arms.

"What are you doing?" She squealed, not expecting the move from me.

"I am going to give you a bath." I grinned and told her calmly. "Not that you're dirty, but a nice relaxing bath with someone washing your hair and massaging your feet; that has to sound good, huh?"

"Seriously?" She looked like she couldn't believe what I was saying.

"Yes, I am serious. Just let me do this for you." I laughed at her, trying to lighten the mood from what it had been.

Thankfully, she let me wash her like I wanted. I massaged her back, shoulders, arms, legs, feet, even her scalp when I washed her hair. I wanted to help her to relax and forget all about the moments we spent crying together.

I think it was working. She didn't cry. She didn't look as weary. She looked better than she had in a long time. How did I not notice that she was getting so bad? Dammit.

I made a vow to myself that night, after she was out of the tub. I was never going to let her be in pain like that ever again.. I just couldn't let that happen to her again.