Chapter 46 - I Don’t Want To Be A Burden

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(From Ella's Perspective)

"I smelled blood a while ago when you went to the bathroom looking like something is stuck between your legs. But I can't smell blood anymore," he said. 

"What? You can't smell blood anymore?" I asked unbelievably.

"No. Should I?"

"Oh my..."

I jumped on Leandro and hugged him tightly. He was surprised, but he wrapped his arms around me, making me cover up with the warmth of safety again. 

"I think it's helping," I said, grinning happily. 

"What do you mean?" he asked, not understanding a thing I was saying. 

I pulled back from the hug and looked up at him happily. He was so tall that it would hurt a bit to look up at him for too long. But I still liked doing it. Perhaps because he had a gorgeous face that was worth the pain. 

"I have my period," I said. 

"No, you don't. I can't smell blood," he said. 

"Huh, of course, you can't smell blood. It's because... well, what do girls use here on their period?"

"I don't know. How can I know?"

"Don't be an ignorant horse, Leandro. You must know a thing or two," I snapped. 

"Some kind of thing made with cotton..."

"Sanitary napkins?" I asked.

"Yes. And others use clothes," he said. 

"That's why you guys can smell blood while they are on their period. But I don't use them. So, you can't smell mine," I said. "Well, I use a menstrual cup. You know what that is? It's a cup-like thing as you can understand from the name... Well, I have to insert it inside my vagina. It collects the blood. It is usually made of flexible medical grade silicone, latex, or a thermoplastic isomer. You know what those are? I'll tell you later if you want to know and even if you don't want to know. So, mine one is made of silicone. You have to put it inside my vagina..."

I stopped abruptly realizing what I had just said. My cheeks heat up and I quickly looked away from him. I did not want to see what kind of look he had put on. 

"I mean... I have to put it inside my vagina," I said quickly, trying to cover up the discomfort without looking at him. "You know, the cup is shaped like a bell with a stem or a ring. Mine one has a stem though. The step is used for insertion or removal. It's a bit hard to insert when starting to use it at first. But it gets easier as time passes. But the removal is a bit hard and it hurts a bit too. I don't know if I'm doing it wrong or something like that. But wearing this is much comfortable than sanitary napkins. It doesn't feel like I'm wearing something which is good if I want to run or exercise though I'll never exercise. Too much pressure on my body and mind. And besides, my breath catches and I can't talk or do anything properly, my body aches... bad for health. Moreover, I don't need exercise as well I guess. I mean, look at me. I'm so tiny. Look how I look next to you. It's like I'm standing beside a tower. But you look good with that height. I wished I was a bit tall too. Linda is tall you know, kind of like Owen. I wonder if Dad was tall as well."

I stopped thinking about Dad. The fact hit me right on the face that I had never met him, nor was I going to ever meet him. I did not even know what he looked like, how he talked, or where he was. I knew nothing about him. There was no chance of me meeting him. If I ever did, that would be a miracle. 

"Anyway," I said so he would not notice the way I felt at that moment, "as I was saying, a menstrual cup doesn't absorb blood like tampons or sanitary napkins. Do you know what tampons are? Well, they absorb blood too as I said like pads, I mean, sanitary napkins. But you have to push it inside your vagina. It's a good thing too, but I feel much comfortable in using a menstrual cup. It's a bit disgusting when you see the blood, but still, it won't let those nasty creatures smell my blood, right? It's a good thing, right? Tell me it's a good thing."

"Yes, it's a good thing."

"I'll show you the cup after I stop bleeding, okay?" I said. I did not know why I was excited to show him a menstrual cup. It was like I was determined to let him see everything I had, let him know everything I knew. "I keep it inside this pouch. It's cute, right? It came with the cup. I like the little leaf drawing here. It's kind of cute. Look, the leaf is purple, not green." 

"Oh, and did I tell you that I can use it for ten years? It's cool, right? I won't have to spend any money buying pads. Remember pads are sanitary napkins. Don't get confused. And besides, menstrual cups are eco-friendly. So, it's a good thing to use, right? Anyway, is breakfast ready? What have you made? Let's eat. I'm hungry."

I was about to go towards the kitchen, but suddenly he held my wrist and pressed me against the wall. It reminded me of the first time we met. He had pressed me to the wall just like this, with his chest pressed against mine that my breasts were squeezed between our bodies, and his eyes looking down on mine in an entangling way. 

"Leandro..."

"The mistake that you made today... Do you have any idea what could happen?" he said, through gritted teeth as if he was trying to suppress something that he wanted to do. 

"I don't..."

"Your little mistake could end up in me ripping your clothes off and fucking you against the wall, little Ella," he said coldly, his breath falling right on my face, tempting me to stand on my tiptoes so I could brush my lips against his. "Don't you understand what your words are doing to me? Do you know how it feels to control myself around you? And you're here saying things like me putting that thing inside your vagina. Do you know how much I want to put a thing inside you? Do you know that?" 

I felt my cheeks heating up as I averted my gaze from his. I quickly looked down at my feet, but he made me look at him, lifting my chin up. 

"It was a mistake," I mumbled. 

"A mistake that can end up in something you wouldn't like. Or perhaps you would. But Ella, if you want me to control, then be careful with your words. Remember what I told you that day? When you say yes, I will..."

"I remember," I said hastily. I did not want to hear those words again. These words coming out of his mouth always did something to me, my body, my mind. 

"Then I'll be waiting for you to say yes."

"What if I never say yes?" I asked even though I knew the answer myself. It was impossible for me to resist him for so long when I was craving him. 

"Oh, El, you will. You will say yes," he said with a smirk. 

"How do you know that?"

"I know," he said and backed away. 

The sudden feeling of distance made me a bit uncomfortable though I was supposed to feel otherwise. I looked at him and saw that he already left into the kitchen. I had to reduce the amount of my talking. 

"The thing that I wanted to talk about," Leandro said. 

"What?" I asked as I took a seat at the table. 

"You don't have to go to the castle anymore," he said. 

"What? No, I want to go there."

"But I don't need you to."

"You're going to throw me out of this place? You will not let me live with you? Did I do something wrong? Is it because you had to smell my period blood? That nasty smell! Or is it because..."

"It's because I don't need you to bring me any information."

"Leandro, I..."

"But you can live with me."

"You mean, I won't have to do anything in exchange for that?"

"No."

"And I can still stay with you?"

"Yes."

I thought for a while. I wondered why he was saying this all of a sudden. He would let me live with him in exchange for nothing? But why? 

This way, I would not have to fear for my life. I would be able to live kind of happily because I would be able to spend all my time with him. I liked to spend a lot of time with him a lot. But...

"No, I still want to go to the castle and bring information for you. Let the deal remain, Leandro."

"Why would you want to do that risky job again when you can live risk-free here?" he asked. 

"Because.... because I don't want to be a burden." 

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