Chapter 164: Tears are journals that the body writes

*** Trigger warning: mention serious mental health issues, trauma, and suicide. Please listen to a jolly song afterward. This chapter talks about Kyrie and his past. There is a recommended song in the author's thoughts! ***

Annalise couldn't stop herself from letting out a couple of drowned cries and inhales a quivering breath. She holds her breath to mute her sobs, but whines come out from the back of her throat. 

Lin has expected tears, but nothing has prepared him to see despair, at least not from his wife. This woman always smiles so charmingly and brightly as if every day is showered in light. He covers his mouth, and tears flow out with his eyes wide open. The fact that he wasn't there for her brutally hammers him into pieces. 

Yet, he is unsure if he could have chosen another path, and the reality shatters him.

Ian tightens his grip, but he couldn't feel that small hand. He turns to look at his side, and Kyrie is nowhere to be seen. He turns back to face darkness, and only the projected memory brings light to the place he stands. 

If Ian is honest with himself, he does not know how to take in Kyrie's past. He feels overwhelmed by the intensity of those hardships. Kyrie has been the most well-put person Ian has ever encountered, and his words always bring meaning and strength to people. He seems to bring everyone up from their knees, but the sudden thought that Kyrie hosts darkness within clenches Ian's heart. 

"Kyrie…" Annalise whispers to the young boy sleeping by her under a worn-out blanket. Both of them sleep on the hard floor with a lamp by their side. A part of the lamp is covered with a shirt so that the light does not reach the door. 

The young boy looks at his mother with his round innocent eyes.

"Mommy feels a lot of pain…" A tear runs down her face.

Kyrie clumsily pats her tears off and draws in closer to his mother.

"Mommy is trying her best… She misses daddy a lot."

Kyrie whimpers and buries his face on her chest, "Kyrie does not want to play anymore… Cops and robbers… Kyrie will be good and cook for mommy. I miss daddy too… Can we go home?"

Annalise clenches her teeth over her lower lip as she sobs harder but still too afraid to make too much noise. The apartment complex they are in is old, and the walls are thin. Watching Kyrie unable to comprehend death, Annalise scrunches her nose in pain. Annalise watches the boy complain about going back to a place that does not exist any longer.

Kyrie senses the silence from his mother, "If mommy misses daddy… Why doesn't mommy go see daddy?"

"Daddy is far, far away…"

"Kyrie knows how to cook!" He beams with confidence, "Mommy can visit daddy if she misses him a lot."

Annalise rubs her thumb at Kyrie's tender cheek, "Will Kyrie blame mommy if she does so?"

"Never!" Kyrie hugs Annalise tighter.

How should he react when figuring out that the man he loves has suffered such trauma? Kyrie was a child when the world around him slowly collapsed, but his mind was not mature enough to catch such dark concepts as death. All of a sudden, Kyrie has been left alone after his mother died. Worse, he must have felt that he indirectly has given that 'permission' to his mother. The boy stayed by her side until someone found them.

Most of the time Ian has spent with Kyrie is blessed with smiles. Yet, slowly, Ian finds himself unsure if all those smiles are genuine. 

No, they are genuine. Ian is sure.

However, there is a hollow that Ian still needs to fill to complete the picture of who Kyrie is. The hollow has turned out to be Kyrie's other side - the one that is not as sunny. That side hides like the depths of the ocean. 

He looks to his surroundings again. It is plain darkness. He has feared darkness before because he never knows what is beyond those dark curtains. Yet, he gets to understand after facing his own one that darkness protects the most vulnerable things. Without even making sure where he is heading, he walks toward it. His eyes couldn't catch anything as if a black veil covers his eyes, but he continues to look for Kyrie.

What is he expecting out of intruding into someone else's mind? Ian is not sure anymore. He didn't expect that curiosity could bring him so much weight. He only knows that he wishes to understand Kyrie more. Receiving from Kyrie has always been healing and warm. Still, he hopes to reciprocate, to make Kyrie feel the same love he got to know and understand. He wants to share the enlightenment that came from love. 

There are no obligations in love. The warmth and blessing come from willingness. The keyword has always been 'together.' Yes, to live together, hurt together, smile together, and understand together.

He wants to accept this other side of Kyrie. Pain is always lighter when it is shared. It hurts, but suffering is not something one should shoulder alone, even though suffering can only be solved individually. 

Ian's mind fills with Kyrie. He knows that the man loves to touch, yet Kyrie constantly searches in his expression for permission, always a bit afraid to go too far. Kyrie always has gone at his pace, by his willingness, and according to his needs. Kyrie gives limitlessly. 

Ian reaches into the darkness.

Kyrie has protected him, saved him, loved him. 

His hand reaches the silhouette of Kyrie's figure. Standing a bit shorter than him, Ian wraps his arms around Kyrie in the darkness. The darkness disperses, and they are standing at the mountain top. The wind blows with conviction, and their clothes rustle from its contact.

Ian watches Kyrie's silky ink hair lifted by the wind, gently caressing his skin. Azaleas blanket the mountain top, giving off a pleasant floral scent.

Kyrie's shoulders are shaking.

[I am sorry, mom… I had no idea…]

"It was not your fault, Kyrie…"

Kyrie turns around, with tears streaming down. Although the appearance is different, Ian still senses the familiarity of the man in his embrace. 

"Tell me, Kyrie…" Ian wipes the tears as many times as they flow down, "Tell me everything."

Kyrie sobs as he mumbles the ignorance that comes from his past naivety. Even though he knows how his mother's choice is not his fault, he feels the weight left behind by the words spoken from his tongue. The agony of being left behind and the inability to create meaningful relationships due to his unique circumstances have marked him with fear of abandonment for life.

Ian tightens his embrace, supporting Kyrie with one hand on the nape while the other arm around his waist. He firmly holds Kyrie up as Kyrie mentions the insecurities and inexperience when dealing with people. 

[Am I enough for those around me if hard work is the only thing I have?]

As life progresses, people grow fearful because all will taste loss, loneliness, anxiety, confusion, and anger. Sadly, those things sometimes tend to increase as people pass through life, amounting on top of their shoulders to the point they cannot take a breath without feeling the pain churning in their bones. 

Kyrie reverts to his child-size as he sleeps in Ian's arms, and his tears are still hanging on his lashes. Ian picks up a drop on his finger. He remembers how Kyrie called tears as journals that the body writes. 

"Then… I will be your reader," Ian whispers.

Ian lands a kiss on Kyrie's forehead, and he leans back to see Kyrie in adult form, looking at him with a smile. 

"Hmm." 

The mature flower petals get lifted by the wind, and as they stare into each other's eyes, they both whisper, "No taking backs."