Chapter 186 - Find The Reason

When Lewis arrived in Devon's hospital room, his steps slowed down. The patient on the bed was on fire. He nearly jolted back when she turned her head in his direction. His brows raised as his eyes veered towards Dion. The latter shrugged as he kept his distance, sitting on the edge of the couch in the corner of the room.

"Did I do something wrong?" he inquired, marching towards the side of the bed with a paper bag in his hand. Lewis sat on the armchair beside her bed, staring at her curiously. 

"You love me?" Devon didn't beat around the bush, clicking her tongue in annoyance. His reaction told her he hadn't realized what he said earlier on the phone until now.

"Uh." Lewis scratched his temple while closing his eyes. "I'm sorry about that. Just a habit when I see your face."

"That habit of yours will kill me, you animal." She clicked her tongue once again, studying his tired countenance. "If only you take care of yourself, you will not mistake me for someone else."

"Dev, what else can I --"

"Sleep." She cut him off as she patted the empty side of the bed. "You need sleep, so this won't happen again. Sleep, eat, take vitamins, work out, and just keep your body and mind healthy. In that case, you and I will not have a problem."

"I am... busy."

"So am I." Devon's expression remained cold, contradicting her seemingly concerned words. Well, this was how she was. She didn't know how to talk softly or show her concern without sounding intimidating as if she was looking for a fight.

"You're busy?" Lewis asked while casting her a knowing look.

"Why? Do you think being stuck in here makes me less productive? Are you undermining my effort?"

"No. That's not --"

"My point is, you can't take care of anyone if you don't take care of yourself first. Right now, I am the wife. And this wife of yours is not happy seeing her husband deliver himself to death." Blunt and straightforward as she was, Devon let out a shallow breath. She peeled her eyes away from him as she looked ahead at the television. 

"Stop rubbing it to my face that I am not needed in this world. I already know that."

Lewis stared at her side profile and sighed. He didn't mean that, but it seemed he had been careless. Although she wasn't the soul that dazzled him, he still wanted to be good to her. The real Devon, after all, was the reason he met Her. 

"Sorry," he muttered as he leaned back. He glanced up at Dion, who was sneaking out without making a sound. Neither of them stopped him, though. 

When Devon heard the click from the door, she snapped her eyes back to Lewis. "Don't misunderstand, Mister Qin. I am not concerned about you. I don't care. I'm just saying this because that guy who just left and many people are relying on you. The Qin Empire is feeding hundreds or thousands of families. If you died, all those people will have a hard time putting food on their table."

"Mhm." He rocked his head in understanding, tapping his fingers against the armrest. 

"Whatever. You're too old to get scolded." She rolled her eyes, displeased at his weak reaction. "I hate people like you the most."

"Do you want to divorce me?" he asked out of nowhere, catching her off-guard. Lewis raised his gaze at her, revealing the exhaustion in his eyes. 

"I married you because of my selfish whims. Now, you're stuck with me and might end up a divorcee. I will compensate you and I will still take care of you until you recovered. So, don't worry about all those things."

"Really?" she raised her brows while he nodded indifferently. "Well, do you want to divorce me?"

Lewis just stared at her and shook his head. "No, honestly."

"Why? Are you hopeful that she will return just in case I die?" 

"No." His answer was quick while staring into her eyes. "I've been trying to accept that she is gone."

"Then why are you suggesting that? Do you think this will make me feel better, Qin Lewis?" A ridiculing laugh escaped her mouth as her eyes reddened. "The problem here is not you or this marriage. I don't even care about being a married woman or a divorcee. Do you know the problem? Me back in this pathetic life."

Lewis pressed his lips together and gazed down. This was "probably" one of the reasons he didn't think of divorce until now. Although the real Devon wasn't the Devon he fell in love with, he was worried about her. He felt responsible. And among them, she deserved to be happy as well.

"Every day... every time I wake up, I sigh whenever I see this freaking ceiling." She glared at the ceiling, grinding her teeth in frustration. "Back when I was a ghost, I don't have to bother about my feelings. But now, in a blink of an eye, I feel these depressing emotions, and having two broken legs doesn't help. I hate it. I hate everything and I wish this world just burns to ashes! It's not fair."

Devon panted after getting her frustrations out of her chest. Meanwhile, Lewis remained silent as he stared at her side profile. He witness the tear rolling down her cheek, but her angry expression persisted. 

"Does life have no meaning to you, Lin Devon?" he inquired after a seemingly eternal silence. "How can you throw away life so easily?" 

Lewis leaned forward, resting his arm on the edge of the mattress. "You are here. Don't you think something like, 'maybe there is a reason?' That you are also needed? That perhaps, in this second chance in life, you will see that death is not better than living?"

Devon cocked her head in his direction, seeing the gentleness and genuine concern in them. Lewis forced a smile before holding her hand, squeezing it lightly.

"Because I do think of those sometimes, Dev. I understand you and your pain and I'm not a hypocrite to say I never hoped that I wish it's not you." He caressed her hand with his thumb, an act of comforting her with the slightest gesture. "If I killed myself, I might see her... or not. I still wanted to take the risk since there is the slightest chance that I'd see her, but I'm sure killing myself will upset her."

A bitter smile resurfaced on his face as he gazed up at her. "She treasures life, or at least, this life. If I died, I will not see life or this world just the way she sees it. If I chose death, I will always wonder what's good in this life? Why am I even born? Or why did I have to go through such pain? Death will not answer that."

"There is so much rage in my heart and I'm not saying I am trying to be good. I am not," Lewis continued and clasped her hand as if he was holding on to his lifeline. "But what I'm sure of is I'm trying to survive. Even if it's killing me now, I am trying to fight. Can you also do that? Try to fight for life again?"

Her lips parted, but her voice got lost for a moment. "There's no reason."

"Then, let's find it." He planted his palm on her head and smiled subtly. "If you don't have a reason right now, let's make that a reason. We'll find you a reason you should continue the fight. I'll be there every step of the way."

"Tss... find a reason, huh?" she snickered under her breath while staring into his eyes. He didn't look encouraging or bitter, but she could see the sincerity flickering across his eyes. 

"I'll never be her, Qin Lewis."

"I know. She will never curse the living lights out of me."

She chuckled at his reply while shaking her head. "You don't pat your wife's head like that. It should be a kiss."

"Should I?"

"I'm joking." She rolled her eyes at him, clicking her tongue. "You're like this because you feel responsible, but whatever. Just don't go bankrupt so you can sustain my spending once I recovered."

"Dev," he called in a quiet voice, guiding her hand as he rested his forehead on it. "Do you hate me? For feeling responsible?"

Devon smacked her lips before her other hand reached for his hair. She ruffled it gently, letting out a sigh.

"No," she replied softly. "Because that's just who you are. If I am not the way I am, I might've fallen in love with you a long time ago. I still think you were bewitchingly handsome that night in the bar."

A low chuckle slipped past his lips. "I still think you are quite the character that night. I think I liked you even back then. You left a strong impression on me, after all."

"I liked you back then too... but not that kind of like. I'm sure the feeling is mutual." She nodded as she retrieved her hand from his hair and stared ahead. "We liked each other back then, but... you and I are too broken. I always get the feeling you are a little twisted too, but so am I. Maybe that's the reason it never worked or even started; we see the people that we bury deep within us clearly."

"Hah... you're one scary woman."

Devon took a deep breath as she turned her head to him. Lewis still had his head hung low and raised it when he felt her gaze. His brows rose as she was just staring at him and only spoke a minute later.

"I think I somehow thought of a temporary reason to live," she said as the corner of her lips curled up. "That is to see you recover from this, Lewis. Sounds fun."

Lewis stared at the devious smirk on her face, making him smile.. "Then, you will have to live a very long life, Devon."