Chapter 31: It didn't mean anything

Max held tightly to Leo soaking up his scent, how warm he felt in the growing cool air. He wanted to hold him like this forever, to tell him I think I want to be like this with you every day. To hold you, kiss you, clutching the hands of each other tightly... Snuggle each other for warmth.

But it was scary...

After only a few minutes Max carefully, reluctantly let go and gently turned Leo to face him.

"Please, let me explain..." Leo's eyes began to fill with tears again. He was wrong, he wasn't ready... He should have run, anything Max was going to say would be horrible. Too much for him to hear.

To earth-shatteringly bad.

Leo's eyes were so filled that he had to blink just to try clear enough of the tears away so he could see.

Max grimaced a pained look screwed up his beautiful features. The firm thin jaw worked as he bit his own lip in distress.

"I would never do anything to hurt you. Remember, you said it yourself, you can trust me." He started, but then looked at the ground with anger and frustration warring across his face.

"I was just trying to figure out whether I liked guys or not." He closed his eyes and winced. Then opened them back up to look at Leo. They were soft round, pleading. Leo felt almost as crushed as he did.

The pain and intensity was like a knife in his gut. 'Max was struggling so hard with it.' Leo waited despite how much it hurt to let him do so, he still wanted to hear Max's reasoning out.

'How it could end up like this...'

"I was confused and didn't want to hurt you. I was concerned, what if it just turned out that you were making me feel that way simply because you were the only one I've ever touched or kissed?" Max's face twisted in agony again. The frustration with the situation, with himself... It was written all over his face that he felt horrible.

Leo felt his heart pang painfully in his chest.

'Everyone makes mistakes...'

"Honestly, I don't like him like that."

"Actually, I have never liked anyone in a sexual way at all."

"Ah, I mean I like someone that way now... Um, I mean you."

"Not that I think of you like vulgarly or anything," Max said quickly then sighed in defeat.

"Just, it was so that I didn't hurt you. It was stupid... not even my idea... Ugh, I'm explaining this wrong. I just mean I needed to see if my feelings were real. That was nothing, what you saw back there was nothing, there was no feeling in it, for it, about it, from it."

"Nothing!"

"I didn't even like it!"

'He didn't like it?'

Max grappled at putting everything he had been going through for the past few days into words he could share with Leo because that's what he wanted to do. Was just to be open and honest with Leo.

"Sam had made me worried that it was all just like my hormones finally activating, and I had like booted up into my awakened hormonal adult stage. Which was now turning me into some sort of dirty monster." Max flushed super embarrassed.

"I know it sounds so stupid, when I say it out loud. But, ugh Leo. It has been bugging me for days." Max sighed with tension, release, anger, everything he was a ball of flustered emotions.

Leo stared at him in wonderment. 'He was scared of turning into a dirty player?'' Leo tried not to scoff.

'That couldn't be a real worry, could it?

'It was just an excuse... right'

'But on the other hand that was a ridiculous thing to be thinking and worrying about.' So Max wouldn't make that up and blurt it out to him for no reason.

Max watched Leo anxiously and when Leo made no move to leave, to accept his apology or to murder him on the spot. He just stood there staring at Leo and wondering what was next? And wondering if his apology was enough.

"Ughhh, Leo. I'm sorry I'm not good at this stuff."

"I just knew that if I turned out to be a hormone sex-crazed, player. Who would get tired of you and throw you away later, that I would hate myself for hurting you? I would hate it so much."

Leo sniffled and looked at him, his face red and sore from the tears that had started streaming down his face without his permission during Max's apology and from before.

'Yeah, there was definitely no way he was making that stuff up.' He thought. He suddenly felt very relieved that it was all just a test, Max had put himself through for him.

'A silly mistake.'

'It didn't mean anything.'