Chapter 36 - Professions And Visions Of Life

After feeding him the comforting food and a few rounds of the video game which he intentionally lost, Zeng decided it was time for the talk. "Is something bothering you, Yul?" He asked carefully. Yul put down the game controller and looked down at his trembling hands, which he clasped.

"It's embarrassing to say it out loud," he said, sounding the lowest confident he had ever been. "Really, it's not a big deal but I think you would see me less of a man." The insecurity had been eating him up and he had about it only with his superiors at work and parents.

It was a new side of Yul that Zeng was seeing for the first time. Yul was very confident and open about his feelings and it was also true that he wasn't perfect, Zeng knew that. Every person has something to feel insecure about. Right now, Yul was facing the same thing and Zeng wanted to be there for him in any way possible. He ran a hand through Yul's hair, pushing back the brown locks and kissing his temple, "I am not here to judge you, Yul. You being manly doesn't have anything to do with what we have between us. So trust me some more, I am here for you," he reassured and that relaxed Yul to a great extent.

"You are not going to laugh," Yul low-key warned. Zeng rolled his eyes, "If it's not a laughing matter, I promise, I won't laugh." The doctor promised.

"Hm," Yul wasn't completely satisfied with the answer but pressed his cheek on the couch, looking at Zeng. Zeng did the same but with one hand holding Yul's. The younger began, "About work, something happened… we had a murder case two days back. Our first homicide case."

Zeng didn't say anything so that Yul could continue letting himself out.

"And I had never seen a dead body before. It was a case of death by shooting; four gunshots in total. Seeing all the bloody mess was too much for me and I-" he trailed off, shaking the image from his head, "I couldn't stand it. I vomited. One of my fellow juniors fainted on the spot. He had to get an IV drip."

Zeng didn't ask if he was alright. Who would? Even he wasn't when he had that experience. "You will see more of such cases considering your profession," he said instead.

"Yeah," Yul agreed, "But it was embarrassing. I talk about becoming a good police officer, it has always been my dream and couldn't even tolerate the sight of a dead body. I felt ashamed." He looked down at his hands that had trembled that day. He had to come back and take a shower, shaking his head when the bloody sight appeared in front of his eyes every single time he closed them. He had called his father and talked with him which helped to calm him down to an extent.

Zeng gently squeezed Yul's trembling hands as an assurance, "It's alright. There's nothing wrong or embarrassing reacting that way. Anyone would feel the same," he said, brushing Yul's hair from his forehead. Yul looked up.

"Hey, Zeng ge, did you ever feel this way? I doubt you do. I mean, you are a surgeon. You must be seeing blood on a regular basis."

Zeng took a deep breath and nodded, "I did feel the same once." Yul looked mildly surprised. He sat up facing Zeng. "I thought you didn't feel anything. Aren't doctors supposed to be like that?"

Zeng sighed, "Well, I was a student once, you know. Of course, I was shocked at my first time seeing a cadaver."

Zeng drifted off, recalling the memory, "When I was in my second year of undergraduation, we had compulsory Post-Mortem posting for three days. Those three days were- I don't know how to put it . . . the experience was something else. We went to the mortuary everyday dreading what's inside and we would come back every day with all the darkness that place brought to the concept of life."

Zeng looked into the distance as Yul looked at him in silence. Every doctor is a human too. How stupid of him to think that his Zeng ge was any different?

"I considered myself really brave," Zeng resumed, "I thought since I won't even flinch while watching extremely violent and bloody scenes in movies, I would be able to just handle it right. How wrong and overconfident I was! I was used to the smell of formalin since my first year but that rotten smell of blood… so much blood that it pooled on the floor and it was washed away when the post mortem was over with the cadaver and a new one was brought to be opened up. I could hardly breathe in there through the mask. It was horrible. My hands had felt wet even through the thick gloves. It was something that I didn't want to do again. At that point, I had even reconsidered my career choice."

Yul felt like Zeng was saying exactly what he himself had felt.

"With every dead body, came thousands of questions and they had their medico-legal answers but I perceived one clear and loud statement."

"Death doesn't discriminate. It's ultimate. There's nothing after it. We all are skin and bones in the end and it views us the same. Death sees no age, no beauty, no deeds . . . nothing. It was the foundation of the beliefs, you see."

Zeng concluded, "The experience made me who I am and I am grateful for it. As an aspiring surgeon in training, I will take that experience from my second year, keep it close to me and learn from it, making it my strength. It motivated me to do as much as I can to avoid what I had seen. All I could do was become a good surgeon and save lives and I am trying hard for the same. That's the vision it gave me."

Yul listened as Zeng continued.

"It's different for every person, Yul. For some, it can be an eye opener or it could be a demotivating factor but you will know your strength in such situations. This can be the actual test of the job for you. Your job is not easy. You have responsibilities on your shoulders. You must have the strength to protect others. Your job demands it. It's okay if you are not entirely ready. It's okay if you make mistakes. It's okay to not be perfect. Just learn from them and come back stronger the next time. Hm?"

Yul nodded slowly, understanding the meaning behind every word.

Zeng hugged him, "It's alright, piggy. You'll get there. No rush. Just remember why you started." Yul buried his face in Zeng's shoulder as the doctor kissed the top of his hair, rubbing his back in soothing circles.

"Sleepy?" Zeng asked after a while.

"Yeah," Yul pulled away, rubbing his eyes. "I have to go early tomorrow. It's the court trial of that homicide case."

"Alright then. Let's put you to bed." Zeng got up and tried to pull him along.

"I am not a baby that needs to be put in bed you know," Yul frowned. Zeng laughed, "People with baby fat don't get to say that." He pinched Yul's chubby cheeks which were puffed with air. Yul caught his wrist and took his hands in his own, making Zeng gasp. Yul smiled faintly.

"Thank you," he said, kissing Zeng's palm and pressing it to his cheek.

Zeng simply shrugged, blushing a bit, "Don't mention."