Chapter 38 - Realisations

Yul wasn't sleepy. If anything, he wanted to be with Zeng and talk throughout the night, completely forgetting his early morning shift. But his plans were shattered when the doctor did not go to bed with him. The doctor had some other plans.

"Seriously, Zeng ge?" Yul deadpanned. Zeng ignored him, moving towards the door to go to the study room. He stopped to turn the lights off. He also wanted to be with Yul but there was always a designated time he gave to his studies and he couldn't skip it. "Officer Wang, your Zeng ge will be the lead-surgeon-Dr-Xiao-Zeng from next week. He gotta study as much as he can," Zeng said in explanation.

"But you have already completed your education. You even have a degree. Why do you need to study?" Yul argued, seeing the doctor's obsession with learning.

"Well, it's as the saying goes : a doctor is a student for life," Zeng responded and adjusted his reading glasses for emphasis.

Yul frowned, obviously displeased, "Oh God, you are such a nerd, Zeng ge!"

"Aw, too bad you are in love with this nerd," Zeng snickered. Yul shrugged, "Can't help it, can I?"

Zeng smiled shyly, pretending to adjust his glasses to hide his smile, "Good night, Yul. Sleep well."

"I am not sleeping till you come back," Yul commented when Zeng started to leave. He crossed his arms, sitting on the bed and glared at Zeng to show his determination.

Zeng shook his head, "Suit yourself but remember that you have to go earlier tomorrow." He warned, pointing a finger and went away after closing the door behind him.

Now Yul was all alone. He laid back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. Since he wasn't sleepy and he didn't want to sleep anytime soon, he opened a gaming app on his phone and started playing to pass his time.

In the study room, Zeng was bent over a book of Forensic Medicine, twirling a marker between his fingers. His eyebrows creased in concentration as he was nearing the end of the chapter. The topic was some essential forms regarding determining the manner of death. After half an hour of reading, Zeng drifted off to ponder over the things he had shared with Yul, about his reflection on life.

Death is ultimate, he remembered his own words. Death was the sole truth to ever exist and he firmly believed in it. One never knew when it would come and embrace you. The idea of defying death and pulling someone out of the clutches of an untimely death was what had stirred up a resolve in Zeng to become a doctor.

He could save lives. Even as he had saved quite a bunch and he was immensely proud in his job. But what frightened him the most was that he couldn't possibly manipulate his own death or those around him. He was scared to be in such a situation where he had to be a patient or a relative of the patient seeing his loved ones die from a distance while he stood there, helplessly crying.

The fear was enormous, something that was embedded in every cell of his body and Yul was a living, breathing personification of his fear. He would never want to love a person who could leave him, willingly or unwillingly. It was his loss at the end.

But was distancing yourself away from him enough for keeping the fear at bay? His own voice in the subconscious spoke from a hidden corner which Zeng had closed off. Was it worth it not to be happy just because you fear it will all crumble down someday? Would you refuse to admit that you love someone because you saw it coming and wiping out what you deem as your happiness?

Zeng set down the marker in his hand, his breathing a bit laboured. He removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes. As if a portal had opened somewhere in his brain, an array of new thought filled in as he accepted the mere possibility of being in a relationship with Yul. Half of them ended on a negative note while the other half turned out to be the best decision of his life. But he wouldn't know unless he did it for himself, for the present that he was living in. He decided not to run away anymore.

Zeng had finally admitted to himself. He covered his mouth with his palm, eyes widening at the realisation. A small laugh escaped his lips, realising how long he had taken to admit it.

He was so stupid, just like all his close friends claimed him to be. The bookish scholar but emotionally foolish Xiao Zeng. Even as his age increased, the title remained the same. And Yul said he was the mature one, huh? That made Zeng admire him even more.

Yul was true to his emotions; fearless and straightforward. If he loved something, he would say it without any hesitation and keep those things close to him, showering them with affection. Fortunately, Zeng was among those things that Yul loved to the core and after noticing his own feelings, Zeng grimaced at how long it took him to realise that he felt the same. Without wasting any more time, he closed his book and walked out of the room.

When he reached the bedroom, sure enough, Yul was wide awake, lying flat on his stomach, busy playing a game on his phone. The light from the screen highlighted his features contorted in due concentration.

Zeng turned on the lights and walked in. The gamer had to squint his eyes to adjust the newly flourished bright light.

"Hey Yul," Zeng said, walking to the bed and sitting with folded legs. Yul hummed without taking his eyes from the screen, failing to notice the slight tremble in Zeng's voice. "Get up," the doctor said impatiently.

"Is it urgent? I am about to win the round." The younger man was engrossed in his game and his sportsmanship refused to quit midway.

Zeng rolled his eyes. Here he was all serious, about to say something that was life-altering and there this boy was . . . so oblivious.

"Yes, it's an emergency," Zeng said in medical terms, not hiding the frustration in his voice. Without another word, Yul put his phone down and sat up to face Zeng.

There was that smile on Zeng's face that Yul was in love with, only with an addition of the twinkle in his eyes, hiding something about to be unleashed.. Yul was all too oblivious that his love was about to be reciprocated.