Chapter 44 - Fears

Yul messaged Zeng during his break hours as usual. But he didn't get any replies. He thought the doctor was busy in another one of his surgeries so he didn't pay attention but when Zeng didn't even reply back or called him even after his working hours, Yul got suspicious.

Is Zeng ge alright? Why isn't he picking up my calls? Did he reach home safely? All these questions swarmed his mind.

"Officer Wang!" His senior shouted.

"Yes Sir." Yul stood up at once, head held high and posture upright.

"This is the third time I am calling you! Why are you zoning out?" The senior threw an unpleasant glare at him, "While filing the victim's FIR, you must pay attention to them. Concentrate on your work! Or do I need to teach you that from the start? If you are going to show this level of unprofessionalism, resign already!"

Yul flinched but his face was stoic as always. However, his head was held low as he gathered himself, "Sorry Sir." He bowed. His senior left after angrily ranting how the new batch of juniors was useless and undisciplined and how they won't even make it even upto one year of service.

Yul looked back at the person who came to file an FIR for robbery. He bowed to the woman, "I am extremely sorry, ma'am. I apologize for the inconvenience but can we please go over the details once again?"

The lady nodded, wiping her tears away with tissues. Yul felt extremely guilty over his lack of professionalism. Someone who needed help had come to him with great expectations and this was how he treated them? By not even actively listening to their complaints? Whatever may happen in his personal life, he should not have let it affect his duty. He forced himself to push his worries about Zeng away and focused on his work.

After the duty hours, Yul had to stay back for the extra hours of paperwork. His mind would drift back to Zeng and he would check for any new messages from his boyfriend, failing to receive any. He finished off his work as soon as possible and directly went to Zeng's apartment. Zeng had already provided him with the spare key so he got in.

"Zeng ge?" He called softly. He went to the bedroom upon the lack of response and sure enough, Zeng was curled up on the bed, the blankets cocooning him. He was awake. He looked so deep in thought that when Yul came into his sight, he flinched.

"Zeng ge, are you okay?" He asked, worried.

Zeng slowly got up and raised his arms, holding them open for a hug. Yul hugged him, wrapping his arms around Zeng's smaller frame. He could feel the doctor shivering in his arms and that made him hug even tighter.

"What happened, Zeng ge?" He asked tenderly.

"I couldn't save him, Yul," Zeng said in a whisper, too afraid to even speak of the crime he had committed. Hours of pondering over all the possibilities had somehow made him think that there was a chance. "He died because of me."

Yul understood what Zeng was talking about. He kissed his temple, hugging him again, "It wasn't your fault."

"It was," Zeng spoke weakly, "If I had done something... anything, there was a chance he could have lived." His voice cracked towards the end.

Yul hushed him, "I know you gave it your best, Zeng ge but the end result is not always what we think of."

Zeng shook his head in dismissal of his own capabilities, "He was so young, Yul. About your age. He must have parents at home, friends, even a girlfriend or boyfriend. He had a long life to live ahead of him and I couldn't give it back to him. He died protecting someone and I couldn't save him. He deserved to live, Yul. He deserved a life that I failed to give him back."

No matter what Yul said, he couldn't take Zeng's guilt away. He too would have felt the same if he failed to protect someone.

"What if it was you?" Zeng wasn't speaking to Yul anymore. He was living the horror in front of his eyes. He saw Yul on the operation table, his clothes sullied by deep red blood. And Zeng stood there, in his surgical gown, his gloves covered with blood, Yul's blood. And he could only watch as the ECG line went flat. He stood there helpless, unable to do anything as Yul slowly lost his life in front of his eyes. He couldn't do anything. He couldn't save him. He couldn't save the person whom he loved. He couldn't save his Yul.

Zeng struggled to breathe, "What if you were there instead of that person, Yul? I would have lost you. You would be gone and I wouldn't be able to do anything as always," he blabbered on, "What would I tell your parents? How would I live with the guilt? I can't! I would kill myself-"

"Zeng ge!" Yul shouted to get his attention, grabbing his shoulders to make him look at him. Zeng snapped out of his thoughts, his eyes wide in disbelief and horror. Yul was scared too, but for Zeng. He didn't even want to imagine the scenario. That was never happening.

"Zeng ge, please calm down."

"I don't want you to end up like that." Zeng shook his head, his breaths laboured.

"Nothing will happen to me."

Zeng wasn't listening anymore as he kept babbling, tears draining down his face, "I would die if you leave me like that, Yul."

"I am not going anywhere, Zeng ge. I'll be here with you, always."

Yul hugged the doctor to his chest. "I am not going anywhere," he reassured again and again, holding Zeng close to himself. This frail man in front of him trembled as he held onto him. Yul wanted to be there for him at all times like this. He had this compulsion to protect him, support him, adore him and love him. He tightened his grip on the love of his life.

"I will be here with you, Zeng ge," he kissed Zeng's eyes, "Always."

Zeng looked doubtful, like Yul would vanish any second now. Everyone who had said those words to him had left him. He was used to being left after he gave his heart to people who returned it in pieces but he didn't want this particular man to leave him. Never. Yul already owned his broken heart. If he were to leave, Zeng would have nothing left with him. He clutched the fabric of Yul's shirt. "Promise me," he demanded, almost begging, "Promise me that you won't leave me, no matter what."

"I promise," Yul said, "No matter what, I'll be here for you. I'll be yours forever." He held Zeng's chin, pulling him to a kiss as if sealing the agreement.

Forever . . . Nothing lasts forever. Zeng had never believed in it. But for the first time, he was willing to surrender to the claim. It was strange how this one person could change his beliefs and still manage to make him feel content deep within.

"I love you, Yul," he whispered against Yul's lips, almost subconsciously. He could feel the man smile softly against his lips before pressing them together once more, "I know, Zeng ge.. Me too."