Chapter 43 - Success And Failure

Zeng urged himself to do well today. It was his responsibility to save the patient's life and he would give his best shot.

The Emergency Ward was alerted for a scheduled arrival of an emergency. The patient was a case of multiple stab wounds and was brought to the hospital via ambulance which had departed from the location as soon as possible.

Dr Xiao Zeng was in his surgery scrub, ready for his first major surgery, his hands firm inside the gloves and eyes determined.

He waited with his team in OT no.1 among the three operation theatres. The ward boys brought in the patient on a stretcher. The moment he laid his eyes on the bleeding man, he froze in his place. Nausea bubbled at the pit of his stomach, making him sick to his soul.

He saw in horror as the nurses prepped the patient for the surgery. The patient, a young boy, about the same age as his Yul, wearing the same uniform of a police officer. The man laid motionless and Zeng felt a cold sensation spreading through his chest.

"Dr Xiao, hurry up!"

With trembling hands, Zeng picked up the scalpel as his assistant doctors removed the clothes and cleaned the surface of surgery on the patient.

"Dr Xiao!" Dr Jiang said, his voice scolding his intern.

Zeng took control of himself. Inhaling a deep breath and letting his professional side take over. He could do this. He would save this patient's life.

A clear-cut incision was made to expose the condition of his vital organs. It was the worst possible scenario. Except for the heart, almost every organ had suffered grave damage.

"Sister, send blood for analysis and matching," he ordered the nearest nurse, who immediately obeyed.

He quickly clamped the ruptured blood vessels all over the surfaces of injuries to stop the blood loss. He ordered his assistant surgeons to remove the damaged liver, leaving only the undamaged portion behind. A kidney was removed too, along with the pancreas.

Due to the collapsed lung, the patient's breathing and circulation were getting very difficult to maintain even after hours of efforts to reverse it. Zeng was trying and trying but it was as if nothing was reaching his patient. It was as if he was beyond help.

"Doctor, we are losing the patient."

Zeng continued the sutures on the gaping wounds. Many more were remaining even with the other doctors present there.

"Control the blood transfusion," he said, his voice shaking.

"Increase his oxygen saturation!" He was trying but the patient wasn't responding. Dr Jiang stopped after the last suture. He saw as the oxygen saturation was increased but the patient didn't struggle to breathe. Despite the intravenous anaesthesia given, it wouldn't sedate the patient enough since the blood circulation had collapsed from the very beginning. There were no signs of struggle. The patient was beyond saving.

But Zeng kept trying. He continued with whatever he could do for the patient who wasn't responding to anything now.

He was going to save the patient. He had to. Didn't he study all these years for this? So what if the patient was not responding right now. All Dr Xiao Zeng had to do was keep trying. The patient would respond back. He would!

Even when the assistant doctors stepped back, Zeng didn't. It was his first main surgery. He had prepared well, he had practised well. He should be able to do this. Yul had said he could. He had assured that he could.

The lines on ECG went flat. The surgical instruments in Zeng's hands fell on the sterile hospital floor. His vision blurred as he scanned the patient.

He wasn't a patient anymore. It was a dead body.

Zeng blamed himself for the conversion. Because he couldn't save his patient. Because he was lacking. They had lost the patient… he had lost the patient.

He came to the washroom, his whole being trembling. He washed his hands, removing his gloves. No matter how hard he tried, they trembled under the running water.

He looked at his reflection in the mirror. A pathetic, crying mess.

'I couldn't save him.' The words kept repeating on their own.

Dr Jiang came in and took off his gloves. He saw the miserable surgeon's reflection in the mirror. Though he looked calm, his heart ached to see his student go through this. He had known the feeling, where you feel like a murderer when you couldn't save the one whom you were supposed to. You feel helpless watching the patient taking their final breath, the light leaving their eyes, their living being converting to just a dead body. You blame yourself to no end, even when the odds are against you.

"The patient was already beyond saving, Dr Xiao," Dr Jiang said, wiping his hands on the clean towel.

Zeng looked at his reflection in the mirror, despising himself as his vision blurred by tears again. "It was my fault. I wasn't capable enough."

Dr Jiang refused to agree, "Five stab wounds, three of which were a direct hit on his vital organs. He had bled too much to recover. There was a 95% chance that he was going to die."

"But there was a 5% chance that he could have lived… if I could have saved him!" Zeng raised his voice, his anger more upon himself than anyone else.

"Zeng," Dr Jiang spoke, his voice turned soft. "Even I couldn't have saved him. The graveness of his injuries had decided the result from the beginning. We are not Gods, Zeng. We are humans. Sometimes, it's not possible to save a patient despite our best efforts."

Zeng didn't say anything as he clutched the sink, tears freely falling down his face, sobs hardly contained in his throat.

"If you keep blaming yourself for every patient's death, then you are punishing yourself in vain. If you only mourn over the dead, you cannot save those who are in need."

He patted Zeng's shoulder, like a father to his son.

"Take this day off, Zeng. Gather yourself. I will talk with the Dean to give you a leave." Dr Jiang left for the Dean's office.. Dr Xiao Zeng was trying not to succumb to the failure but broke down nonetheless.