Chapter 75 - Understanding You... Why Is It So Difficult?

Yul blinked back the tears as his eyes looked ahead at the neatly trimmed bushes of the garden. His mind inadvertently travelled to the doctor and Yul shook off the image as fast as it came. It was difficult to think about anything else when he was off duty. At vulnerable times like these, he must keep any thoughts about Zeng at bay but they would never leave him. And with invading thoughts, came the bitter memories of the last time they spoke, the accusations exchanged, the miserable pleas and the heartbreaking farewell.

Yul sighed. There was no getting away from it. After a while, he looked back at his mother.

"Mom, didn't you ever feel that way when dad was on duty?" He asked, pertaining to the way Zeng said he felt when Yul was on duty.

His mother's expression hardened. "Every single second of the day, Yul. For years." She said looking into his sharp eyes. This was the first time Yul was hearing it.

As Mrs Wang drifted back into memories, a solemn expression loomed over her face.

"Years before, there was a deadly pandemic going on that had wreaked havoc. You were a mere child back then so you might not remember. The world was in chaos. People were dying on a daily basis. Everyone was advised to stay indoors where we will be the safest. But your father, like every other policeman, was on duty."

"I would fear, what if he caught the disease? Will he also leave us like the patients they showed on television? Will I even know? Where was he now? What if he never comes back one day? I won't know a thing even if he were calling out my name out there. I couldn't help him even if I wanted to; he was too far away and I wasn't allowed it. It was out of my power. He was gambling with death every single day and I could not do anything. Imagining a life without him, pained me. But what hurt me even more, was the possibility that my fear could come true one day. It was making me crazy. There was a point where I felt insane beyond help."

"I had cried for days, hiding in the bathroom, so that you won't notice and panic. It's scary, Yul. Seeing the person you love teetering at the brink of death, it's really scary. What's even scarier is you not being able to do a thing for protecting them." She looked at her son listening intently. She continued,

"Once, your father caught me crying and confronted me about it, he said - 'why do you need to cry for me? You should be proud. Your husband has the honour of serving the country in this crisis. You and little Yul are my strength. How could I stay tough if you are crying this way? Dear, you need to stay strong for me'."

"I could only nod. Do you think that changed anything? It didn't. To me, you and him were my entire world but to your father, his country came first and I can't blame him for that. In other people's point of views, it must feel stupid worrying about a non-existent threat and harbouring an unknown fear but for me, it was an outburst of my helplessness and worry. I don't expect anyone to understand it. It's something they won't understand, nor would they try. Xiao Zeng felt the same way as I did and so I can understand him." She caressed her son's head, admiring him lovingly.

"I had to stay sane because I had you. The four-year-old you at that time were my greatest strength. You kept me sane, Yul. Xiao Zeng doesn't have anyone like that. He had been bearing it alone for years. Don't hate him. He wasn't in the wrong. I can understand him for the decision he took."

Yul felt a wave of realisation sway over him; his rage and the feeling of betrayal leaving him. He had been blaming Zeng for breaking up, for not understanding his dreams and what they meant for him. Why did he never think what his Zeng ge must be going through all this time? Maybe, all along, he was the one who had been selfish.

Mr and Mrs Wang soon after left for their hometown and Yul left for his house. He had entered the same house thousands of times before but somehow things felt different these few days. He placed his medal and certificate on one of now empty stands in the other half of the showcase. Taking a step back, he glanced over his achievements that he, once, was proud of.

'Empty cups and chunks of metal.' He thought, looking at the medals and trophies.

He then turned to the wall on which hung all their photos. Yul didn't have the courage to remove them but now his hands moved to collect the framed photos. Carefully, he placed them inside a box. Only one photo remained, which had been flipped over on the table so that he won't be able to see the smiling person in it. Yul picked it up and turned to see it, his favourite pic.

He caressed the face of his ex-boyfriend through the glassed photo frame, for the last time. His Angel that had flown away, far away from him.

"Why is it so difficult to understand you, Zeng?" He asked, hugging the frame with his now weak hands, even though he knew there won't be any reply. He couldn't stop his tears anymore and broke down. There was no one to see his weak side so there was no point in pretending to be strong anymore.

It had ended. No matter who was at fault, their relationship had ended. There will be no Zeng in his life again. That was final. He won't be coming back. Yul won't lie to himself but he still had that little hope in his heart but it died today as realisation hit him. There was no point waiting or crying anymore. He had to let go of Zeng even if it broke him beyond repair. It's all in the past now. Their love, their promises, their memories together were all in the past.

"Forget about him." He mumbled to himself lying on the bed alone, his tears now dried up. "He won't be coming back. You have to move on. That's what people do."

But how was he supposed to move on when his world revolved around Zeng? Weren't they supposed to be together forever? He scoffed at the thought. 'Forever'? How childish! Nothing lasts forever. It's only a fantasy. He learnt it the hard way.

Now he could feel the distance between them. Yul was always the kind of guy who listened to his heart while Zeng had a logical mind for everything he did. The heart was a fool; always getting the burn when it all ends.

Moving on was going to be difficult. But he had to do it. He couldn't just stop his life because of a single person. That's what cowards do and he wasn't a coward. He will move on and live his life. He still had his job, his parents, a good reputation and an intact dream to protect people. He was still a young attractive lad. He could find other people easily if he wanted. Things will eventually fall into place. It will require some time. He couldn't open his broken heart up to other people, for now. But maybe later, he will.

Because that's life. People move on.

Time is the best healer, they say.. It will eventually heal him too.