Chapter 74 - Holding On

A week later :

" ... and lastly I would like to call upon Officer Wang Yul, the team leader of Unit 8, Anti-Narcotics Division, who led the mission to its success. I request Commissioner Huang to give away the honours."

Yul's name was called upon for receiving the honour along with his teammates. He went up to the podium and saluted his seniors. After receiving the medals, certificates and badges, all the officers turned on their heels to face the audience and saluted once more in synchronisation.

Yul's parents were also there, the same as others. As he faced the crowd, he saw his mom and dad clapping for him. However, the tall, lanky figure that usually came along with them on such ceremonies to cheer for him holding a camera, wasn't there. His father was recording the video this time.

Mr and Mrs Wang would be leaving for their hometown after attending the ceremony. As soon as the ceremony ended and Yul came to greet them, his mother hugged him proudly while his father patted his back in praise.

"Congratulations, son," they said and he merely nodded and bowed in respect. His warm smile didn't make an appearance even when the news of exposing the entire drug racket due to his mission's success came to his ears.

He certainly felt proud of his team. The entire racket being exposed meant breaking down every illegal activity associated with the circle. Trafficking of arms and explosives, forced prostitution and other such criminal activities were torn down too. Many lives were saved. Yul felt that was worth it.

But he was not happy.

It was difficult to make it out from his expression that appeared the same to most people but his parents could see the dimming of light in his eyes.

While walking down the auditorium hallway, Mr Wang met his old friend among the parents of other police officers. He proudly introduced Yul to them. His son was the apple of his eyes and him achieving everything that he dreamt of was praiseworthy. Mr Wang did not hesitate to show off Yul to his old friends. Both the friends were having a great time chatting with each other, catching up on their lives. So the mother and son left them to talk and decided to wait somewhere else.

Yul and his mother sat on a bench in the garden of the precinct waiting for Mr Wang. The summer morning was pleasant. The fragrance of flowers filled the air and birds chirped on the trimmed bushes. The breeze carried waves of celebration may it be the nature or the spirit of other officers because of the success, everything seemed to be doing well.

However, Yul didn't feel even a single ounce of that happiness. He couldn't share the same emotion as everyone else back in the hall did. He had decided against it, closing himself off to everyone and everything. There was a void within him that he was refusing to fill. He wanted it to stay there for reasons only he knew.

"He told me what happened," Mrs Wang said out of the blue but Yul knew who she was referring to. She continued, "He called me a week ago and told me everything."

Yul nodded, his jaw clenching. That was expected. He knew his mother and Zeng were close enough to share their relationship problems. They were more like friends than anything. This made him feel worse; Zeng had not been telling him many things. Were they that broken and for how long?

"Over the past week that you stayed with me, you didn't say anything." Yul sounded as it didn't matter to him anymore.

"I am sorry." Mrs Wang apologized for both; for not telling him and also for the situation he was in. Her heart was breaking as she knew how much Yul loved Xiao Zeng. She knew her son was hurting. How she wished to take his pain away! "I am sorry, Yul-ah. I am so sorry."

"Please don't apologise, mom," he spat, "I am starting to hate that word. It doesn't hold much meaning anyways." He said bitterly but asked nonetheless, "What did he say? Did he nag how I failed to understand him and all? What else could he do other than that?"

"No." His mother shook her head. "He kept apologizing. He was crying throughout the call." Her lips formed a sad smile. "He told me to take care of you."

Yul breathed, "I don't need to be taken care of. He doesn't need to worry about anything now since he left me on his own. He doesn't care at all, especially about me. Seeing how determined he was, he must have moved on by now."

"He has his reasons, Yul. You know he is not a bad person." She knew her son didn't mean to denounce Xiao Zeng.

Yul scoffed and shook his head, laughing bitterly, "You don't know him. He is a selfish person, mom." Yul clenched his fist. "He left me for a stupid reason. If he cared for me that much, he would have stayed, but he didn't." It took him great efforts to not cry there itself. He looked at the sky to not let his tears fall, "I loved him with everything I had. But he still left me."

Mrs Wang didn't say anything more.

Hating was easier. Her son was just trying to take the easier way. It was much harder to confess that he was hurt; to say that he still cared. Mrs Wang knew that her son was stubborn, just like his father. They would project their sorrow as hate rather than admitting that they were hurt. They would put up a strong unbothered front rather than showing any form of weakness, emotion that was.

It would be admitting defeat. Admitting that it was over and done with. And Yul was not the kind of person to accept defeat. But what could he even do?

Sometimes it was better to let go. Holding onto things would only lead to more hurt and sorrow. Sometimes it was better to accept defeat; accept that it was over. But Yul wouldn't, even if that meant he would be hurting himself by holding onto something that could never be turned, then so be it.

He couldn't be more broken than he already was; he couldn't be more hurt than he already was the way Zeng had left him.