CH 28

T/N: Warning, homophobia alongside complex feelings about homophobia and gender identity here.

I want to apologize to Claudia somehow, but I can’t quite grasp the timing. We both show up at the Royal Guard Division training, so we have the opportunity to meet, but even when we train together, Claudia is somehow aloof and doesn’t stick with me like before.

Today, I decided to take the plunge and talk to her because I wanted to do something about this ambiguous situation.

“Claudio…” I said.

“—! Floto…, umm… I’m sorry about last time…!” she yelled before I even said anything.

It seems Claudia was also concerned about the awkwardness between us recently.

“Ah… no… you’re not the one who should be saying sorry, Claudio,” I said. “Raise your head…”

Claudia doesn’t seem to blame me for what happened before. It’s normal to feel uncomfortable when someone of the same sex is being too physically intimate with you. It’s my fault, for not being considerate enough, and also Division Commander Horst for tossing that bomb, there’s no fault on Claudia’s part.

“Recently, things between us have been real weird, Floto… I knew what I said was terrible, but I couldn’t apologize properly… I’m really sorry,” she said.

“I’m sorry, too,” I said. “I think I was a little too careless and touchy-feely with you. I’ll be careful from here on.”

All of this started because I was too open about physical contact with Claudia, after all.

“Puh!” Claudia snorts.

“Aha!” I gasp.

“Ahahahahaha…!”

We bowed our heads to each other and ended up laughing because it was kind of funny. It should have been a serious apology, but before I knew it, it turned into a laugh fest. But I think it’s a good thing, not a bad thing. Before we knew it, we had returned to the relaxed relationship we had before.

After reconciling with Claudia, we started walking around the capital again. I don’t have any training today, so I have plenty of time to walk around town.

“Ah! Look, look? Isn’t that girl cute?” Claudia asked.

“Huh? Which one?” I asked.

A girl dressed in a maid outfit was walking where Claudia pointed. She looks like a maid serving some noble. The maid is going around several shops, probably because her master asked her to do some shopping.

“Hmm… Well, she’s certainly cute, but…” I started.

“What’re you sayin’…?” Claudia teased. “Got some too high standards there, eh, Floto?”

Perhaps Claudia was dissatisfied that I didn’t give a clear answer, and said something like that. I don’t think I have high ideals for girls. Though she became cute after her malnutrition was treated, even Katharina was thin at first, her skin, hair, and nails were in tatters, so it’s hard honestly that she was cute.

Luisa isn’t particularly cute because she’s an ordinary town girl. Of course, she was charming and I think she could be on the cute side, but she was the type who didn’t dress up or make herself fancy in personality, clothes, or makeup because those might be detrimental to her personality. I think she’d look pretty good if you cleaned her up properly and applied some makeup on her…

And Claudia… I don’t think Claudia feels cute, either. Maybe it’s because she acts like that, but if anything, she’s more of a handsome boy and not a cute girl.

Above all, I don’t want to choose a girl just because she’s cute or pretty. It’s not just about how you look, it’s more like this… I can’t say for sure, but I think the important thing is whether or not you want to be together with her.

Anyway, when I walk around town with Claudia, we always talk about girls. Even then, Claudia is talking about how cute that girl is and how this girl is like that. I seem to get the wrong idea that maybe Claudia likes girls. It shouldn’t be like that…

If that were the case, Claudia and I would be able to have a more intimate relationship. Personally, I want to become closer to Claudia. But if something like that happened again, the two of us would be unable to smile and joke like this. So I keep my distance. At least we can be together as friends, as we are right now…

“I don’t have high standards, though,” I said.

“Eh~?” Claudia teased. “Really, now? So what type of girl do you like, Floto?”

What? What was that?

“…… Huh?” I asked, surprised.

“Mm?” Claudio went, also stopping and tilting her head in confusion.

Could it be that… even though I’m a woman in my current life, did she find out that I like other girls? Is it because of that previous skinship?

But if that’s the case, why is Claudia still walking with me like this instead of avoiding me? Even though she said that intimacy was disgusting…

I don’t understand what Claudia is thinking. I wonder why Claudia is walking with me like this while thinking that homosexual intimacy is disgusting.

The only thing I know is that I shouldn’t have strange expectations. I think Claudia is uncomfortable with other girls. So if I misunderstand here and think about what to do with Claudia, even our current relationship will be ruined. If she doesn’t like that, I absolutely must not show Claudia that kind of behavior.

“I’m… not…” I mutter.

“…?”

Claudia didn’t pursue it any further, even though it made me wonder why my words had suddenly gotten so difficult.

I think I’m getting along with Claudia these days. We often go to town together to hang out. More than anything else, I think it’s always nice to have a calm atmosphere when we’re together. It’s like an adolescent man and woman who love each other but can’t take the final step into a romantic relationship.

Well, if I say that to Claudia, she’ll say it’s disgusting again, so even if I think about it, I definitely shouldn’t show that kind of attitude. I don’t want to break this relationship even though we can laugh together like this again.

I should have been careful with that thought, but today Claudia asked me to stay because she had something to talk to me about after the Royal Guard Division training is over. What the hell does she want to tell me…? I have a bad feeling. If it’s a normal story, she shouldn’t need to go out of her way to ask me to stay, but instead, after the training is over we should be able to talk while getting ready to go home together.

“Sorry for making you stay,” Claudia said.

“Aah… yeah…” I said.

Here it comes… Claudia is finally here. I guess I should have asked, “What do you want?” but I was so strangely nervous I couldn’t say it. If it’s just what I imagined, why is it that even though I can’t ask, Claudia’s gaze wanders and she doesn’t try to say anything outright and clearly…

“Um… well…” Claudia said.

“Yes……?” I said.

Claudia mumbles without saying much of anything. After repeating that exchange over and over again, she finally opened her mouth.

“Umm…Floto… do you… like me…?” Claudia asked.

“Eh!?” I gasped.

Huh? Do I like Claudia? ……I wonder why she’s asking. I avoided thinking about it. Maybe I really do like her. But if I thought that way, I also thought that Claudia would find out about my feelings and then be disgusted because she didn’t like same-sex intimacy, so I seriously tried not to think about it.

But what if she asked me this clearly? I’ll just give it some serious thought. ……after all, this is…… I wonder if it’s because I like her. I enjoy being with Claudia. I want to be with her forever. Maybe it’s because I had that kind of “like.”

If you include the time I’m a child who is only about 10 years old plus my previous life, I will have lived for 30-odd years, soon 40 years. Even still, I’m physically 9 years old now, and I want to be with Claudia now. There is nothing insiduous or impure about this feeling.

“I knew it!” Claudia yelled. “You must be in love with me! I told you it’s disgusting! You should fall in love with someone of the gender you’re supposed to!”

Ah… Claudia completely rejected me She must have figured out that kind of thing from how I acted. No, maybe the reason why she kept talking to me about how cute that girl was in town was to find out if I liked other girls.

As Claudia said, we’re both girls, and we’re expected to like boys.

“Ah… I, I’m…” I started.

“You stay away from me!” Claudia yelled.

“Ah!” I gasped.

While I was at a loss for words, Claudia left. Now I was the only one here. Standing alone on the training ground, my head went blank and I couldn’t think of anything.

It’s been a week since I was unambiguously rejected by Claudia. I don’t remember how I got home after that. I haven’t been able to go to the Royal Guard Division training for the past week, and I’ve been spending my time at home.

I wonder if I really liked Claudia, because I’m in such shock… thinking about it now, I think I liked Katharina. As I did Louisa. Now that I think about it, I can see that I was in love with both of them. Then, as expected, Claudia is also like that.

It felt like there was a gaping hole in my chest, and as I was spending my time in the Carruthers Residence in the royal capital, unable to do much of anything, someone knocked on the door.

“Yes……?” I asked.

“The day after tomorrow, we will leave the royal capital. Be prepared.”

I think it was Father on the other side. He opened the door, said his business, then left without bothering to wait for a reply. But, his attitude helps me now.

My father didn’t say anything even when I shut myself up in my room. Perhaps the Royal Guard Division should have contacted him in some way because I didn’t participate in the training, but he hasn’t said anything to me or asked me anything. I appreciate that now.

Are we leaving the day after tomorrow? I’ll be constantly busy tomorrow with business, so there won’t be much time left. It is already evening and it is difficult to go outside now. Tomorrow is the only time I’ll be able to freely move in the royal capital.

Tomorrow…if I miss tomorrow, I may never see Claudia again. But I can’t take a step outside. I didn’t have the courage to leave this room.

I spent all day yesterday preparing to leave the royal capital. Father took me here and there for formal goodbyes, and I met Ludwig for the first time since my knighting ceremony. Even though I’ve been to the royal castle for the past few months, I’ve only participated in Royal Guard Division training and haven’t met any of the royal family.

After all, the fact that I am the fiancée of the Third Prince is probably not very openly welcomed. Otherwise, I think I would normally be called more as a fiancée and meet with the royal family. Since I haven’t been summoned or asked to be more intimate, I don’t know if it’s within the royal family or within the faction, but my engagement with Ludwig isn’t looked upon very warmly.

Come to think of it, I should have had the opportunity to investigate Ludwig’s surroundings and intentions in order to have him annul my engagement, but I completely forgot. Agh… I don’t even care anymore…

Yesterday, when I was running around doing goodbyes with Father, I had him stop by a small shop. I have the item I bought in my hand. But I couldn’t meet the person I want to give this to yesterday. It’s time for my family to leave, so there’s no way I can give this to that girl now. Or so I thought, but when I turned around…

“Flora! They say you’re going back to Carruzan this morning! Why didn’t you tell me yesterday?”

“Your Highness Ludwig…” I said.

Just before we left, Ludwig was the one who got off in a carriage before the Carruthers Residence. Come to think of it, I didn’t tell Ludwig that I was going back to Carruzan. Around Ludwig, there are members of the Royal Guard Division, who may have followed him as escorts. The main members include Horst, the Division Commander. Then that girl is…

“Claudia…” I said.

“Ye-Yeah!?” she blubbered. “…Wait, huh? How did you know my name?”

Maybe it’s because I called her by her real name did Claudia reply so strangely. If we were like usual, we would have laughed at each other, but today we’re in no mood to laugh.

“Take this…” I said.

I didn’t care about Claudia’s surprise and handed over the small bag I sewed after buying the materials yesterday. This is a satchel and it usually contains something that emits an aroma at room temperature. There are various things such as flowers and perfumes.

However, in this country, giving a sachet to someone has a special meaning. The red bag says “Passionate love for you.”, the white bag says “Stay as you are, unstained by anything.”, the green bag says “I hope you are in good health.”, and the blue bag says “May our friendship be everlasting.”…

What I gave Claudia was a blue bag. Yesterday, I bought the cloth and thread in town and spent the night sewing. It took a lot of time to sew “From Floto to Claudia” with embroidery.

“… Huh? Um…? Floto…?” Claudia said.

“… Good day, Claudia,” I said.

That’s all I could say. Tears are about to overflow from my eyes. In a panic, I got into the carriage. At that time, I didn’t have the time to think that I had left Ludwig alone outside, so I crouched in the carriage, hugging my knees until we left.