CH 150

Start Over

That door eventually closed, and Yan Yuan was barred outside. He knelt and sat on the ground, his head hanging, and said inaudibly, "If you don't want me... how can I live..."

The moonlight gradually brightened, and when Bei Chi arrived, only Yan Yuan was left outside the hall, miserable and cold.

Before leaving the house, he had asked the fairies to dress him carefully, but he had changed completely after only a short while. Blood and dust were mixed together on his precious silver robe, and his long hair, which had been deliberately dyed black, was grey and dusty, and blood was dripping into his eyes from a wound on his forehead; he was no different from a broken doll that no one wanted.

Bei Chi walked up to him and bent down to help him, saying hoarsely, "Emperor, let's go back."

Yan Yuan swayed and stood up, and was helped down the steps by Bei Chi. His soul did not stand up with his body, and after a few steps, he fell down and didn't get up again.

"Emperor!!!"

That night, there was another big fuss in Dongji Hall, and several healers were busy working on medicine and treating Yan Yuan's wounds until midnight.

When he was awake, there was never a moment when he did not feel pain, it was good for him that he was unconscious. If only he could have stayed unconscious forever, he would have been free, but unfortunately, Ye Ling would not let him die, Yan Jing would not let him die, and every immortal from the Immortal Healing Hall would not let him die.

A few days later, Yan Yuan woke up and found that his eyes could perceive light. Although he could not see anything yet, he could make out vague outlines.

According to Ye Ling, Yan Jing had obtained a method to restore his five missing senses from an ancient god living in seclusion in the mortal world, and had brought back a small bottle of medicine that was said to make him forget his pain.

As for the method of restoring the Emperor's Star, it was not found.

Going against Heaven, how could it end well? It was only natural that it could not be found, but as a father, how could he watch his child die in despair? Yan Jing came back to explain some things, and before he could enjoy his time with Ye Ling, he set off again with his trusted followers.

If he could not find a way to repair the Emperor's Star, Yan Yuan would only have a hundred years left, so he had to hurry.

However, Yan Yuan himself did not care how much time he had left to live. He had thought that a hundred years was too little, that it would be over in the blink of an eye and that he would not be able to spend more time with Xuan Long. Now it was too long, so long that every breath he spent awake felt like torture, and he was not even happy to have his sight restored, for he dreaded the sight of Xuan Long with another man.

The only hope he had was turned to ashes by the fire, and when the wind blew, there was nothing left.

Yan Yuan quietly leaned against the bedpost, staring at the light from the window. His vision was not yet well focused and seemed slightly scattered. When Ye Ling entered, he recognised the other man by his form, but he did not react, just as he did to everyone who came.

Ye Ling came in with a turquoise jade tea bowl and sat down on the edge of the bed, freeing one hand to hold Yan Yuan's cold right hand on the bedding, and sighed with downcast eyes.

"Yuan'er, turn back."

"Don't be obsessed any longer..."

Yan Yuan's ears could hear a little bit more, and he heard Ye Ling indistinctly telling him to turn back, but he couldn't turn back.

From the moment he fell in love with Xuan Long fifty thousand years ago, he could not turn back.

It wasn't that he didn't want to, it was that he couldn't.

When Yan Yuan didn't reply, Ye Ling didn't force him and grabbed his hand as he continued: "Although A'Zhi is doing well at Xuan Long's place, he grew up with you and misses his father in his heart. When he saw me yesterday, he asked me several times with red eyes, saying that he missed his father and asking why he hadn't come to fetch him. I used your busy schedule as an excuse, but it's not right to use such excuses all the time."

"Don't you want to see him..."

Hearing Ye Ling say this, Yan Yuan's eyes reddened silently as he looked out the window. He was touched when he heard about the child.

It was just that in his current state, he was already in a mess. If he saw the child and lost control again, it would only make A'Zhi sad. He and Xuan Long, as well as their child, were better off not seeing each other.

That's all, that’s all.

"Father knows that you feel indebted to Xuan Long and want to be with him for a hundred years, even at the risk of destroying yourself, in order to make up for your mistake. But since Xuan Long is now in love with Huo'er, that means he has already let go of his past. Why don't you let go of the past and start afresh?"

"You are still young. When your father finds a way to restore the Emperor's Star, your life expectancy will be restored to the length of Heaven and Earth. There is no guarantee that you will not meet someone you love again in the future."

"Yuan'er... listen to your father, drink the medicine and get a good night's sleep. When you wake up tomorrow, the pain will be gone." Ye Ling spread Yan Yuan's hand and put the jade bowl into his palm.

The jade tea bowl contained the medicine that would make him forget the pain if he drank it, not only would he forget the pain, he would also forget his love, forget everything about his past with Xuan Long. The name of the medicine was very nice, it was called ‘Start Over'.

Yan Yuan drew his hand back indifferently and laughed mockingly: "What is owed, and making amends… that is all an excuse for me to get close to him. I have never been that great, I have always been selfish and self-serving, and no matter how much I did, it was only because I wanted to be with him, to go back with him to ten thousand years ago, to ten thousand years ago when we were still in love. I just wanted to covet his love."

"But he won't even spare me his pity anymore... Father, there is no way I can start all over again."

"If I were to forget him, forget his name, forget what he looked like, then this child would rather die now… Like this, it could be regarded as starting all over again."

Ever since Yan Yuan woke up, Ye Ling had been persuading him to drink this ‘Start Over', it had been no less than five times, and each time it had the same result, making Ye Ling's heart twist like there was a knife in it and his eyes tear up.

In order for this ‘Start Over' to be effective, the person who drinks it must willingly forget his or her old friend. Otherwise, it would not only be ineffective, but also backfire, causing the drinker to suffer from a loss of soul and become mentally impaired.

If it were not for this, Ye Ling would really like to cast a spell to knock Yan Yuan unconscious and forcefully feed him the medicine. When Yan Yuan woke up, he would have a child who would be as vigorous and radiant as before.

Unfortunately, he could not.

"Just be ruthless and drink the medicine, everything will be fine when you get up tomorrow morning. Father has never begged you for anything, today Father is begging you, save yourself, don't torture yourself anymore, okay... leave yourself a way out."

"Yuan'er..."

Ye Ling had always been strong, how could Yan Yuan hear his father begging himself in such a low voice? He could never forget Xuan Long, so he had to choose to be an unfilial son. Fortunately, Ye Ling had a son in his womb and a good grandson at his knees, so he would not be lonely in the future.

Father will also always be with him.

Yan Yuan supported himself on the bed and lay down, turning away from him and closing his eyes, "Father, there is no need to say anything. This child is tired, you are not well, so you do not need to visit this child often if you have nothing to do."

"Take care of yourself."

Ye Ling did not dare to push him too hard and took a breath, saying hoarsely, "Fine, you don't want to drink the 'Start Over', Father won't force you, but you have to drink the healing elixir. If you don't eat or drink like this, and lock yourself up in your chambers all day long, how can Father be at ease?"

"If you really want to live this hundred years, at least make yourself feel better."

Yan Yuan looked at the wall with reddened eyes, "… This child is not deliberately not eating, he just has no appetite. As for the wound medicine, treating it is the same as not treating it, so it is better not to treat it."

"Father, there is no need to worry, although this child's body is much worse than before, at least I am a god, I can't die if I don't eat."

Ye Ling could do nothing about his stubborn attitude. In the midst of his grief, he suddenly felt a vague pain in his belly. He subconsciously put the jade bowl in his hand on the stool by the head of the bed and covered his abdomen with a pale face.

The foetal breath was already unstable, and the ups and downs of emotions could easily move the foetus. Ye Ling did not want Yan Yuan to see any flaws, so he endured the pain and tried to keep his tone as steady as possible.

"Then Father will leave now, and I will come back to see you in the morning."

"Someone will bring you food in the evening, all your favourite food. Eat some of it, even though gods don't need to eat and won't die, it's good for your health. In a few days, Father will bring A'Zhi to see you."

"Father knows you miss him."

"Don't let A'Zhi see you like this. If he sees you now, he will cry a lot."

Yan Yuan turned his back on Ye Ling and did not reply.

Ye Ling's abdominal pain was unbearable and he had to get up and leave to find a healer. He left in such a hurry that he forgot about the bowl of ‘Start Over' that he had placed on the stool.

When things quieted down, the guilt doubled in Yan Yuan's heart. Even he himself had given up on him, why didn't his father and mother give up?

It would have been better if Yan Jing and Ye Ling had been so disappointed in him that they had given up on him and never cared for him again. Instead, they never gave up for a single moment, toiling away for him, fighting for that little hope that was almost impossible.

Such a heavy love made Yan Yuan feel very miserable. He was not worthy at all… not worthy of Xuan Long's love, of A'Zhi's trust, of his father's and mother's respect.

It would be better if he died. Why didn't he die during that heavenly punishment... If he died, there would be no more pain, and nobody would have unnecessary expectations.

Xuan Long should not have saved him.

It would be better if he died...

Yan Yuan was indeed tired, he often felt exhausted, which was a sign that his life was about to end. He unconsciously curled up his broken body and fell into a drowsy sleep.

After an unknown period of time, the sound of a child calling came from outside the hall, it was A'Zhi calling for his father. Yan Yuan opened his eyes in a daze and found that his eyes could see clearly. The afterglow of the setting sun shone into the hall, which was a beauty he hadn't seen in a long time.

"Father... A'Zhi misses you so much..."

A’Zhi called out with sadness, Yan Yuan's heart ached as he lifted the blanket and got out of bed, not even bothering to put on his shoes, and went outside dressed in a white tunic.

When he opened the door, the sunset outside warmed his body, but when Yan Yuan saw the scene outside, his hands and feet felt cold and his smile froze at the corners of his mouth.

Under the silver tree, A'Zhi jumped into Yan Huo Heng's arms with tears in his eyes, and when he was picked up, he hugged Yan Huo Heng's neck affectionately, rubbing against him like a puppy, constantly calling him Father.

Xuan Long stood by the side, smiling at the father and son, his expression softer than ever.

Yan Yuan froze in place, not understanding how his child called someone else father. Stunned, he walked over and said:

"A'Po..."

Xuan Long heard the voice and turned his head, narrowing his smile: "I told you that day, don't call me like that."

Yan Yuan stood at a loss, his lips trembling: "I'm sorry..."

"If sorry was useful, why would you and I have come this far." Xuan Long let out a low laugh and turned his head to speak tenderly with Yan Huo Heng and A'Zhi.

The three discussed going down to the mortal world to play, treating Yan Yuan as if he was invisible, and leaving as soon as they said they would. Yan Yuan anxiously opened his arms to stop them from going, smiling at the little man in Yan Huo Heng's arms and weeping.

"A'Zhi... how can you call someone else father... I am your father..."

A'Zhi hugged Yan Huo Heng's neck and looked timidly at Yan Yuan as if he did not know him at all.

"A'Zhi, I am Father... you love to pester Father to buy you candied gourds to eat, Father will take you to the mortal world to buy them now, okay?" Yan Yuan smiled and went to hug A'Zhi, who squirmed his little body to avoid it.

"You're not A'Zhi's father..."

The little man looked to Xuan Long and whispered, "Mother, this man is so strange, let's go, A'Zhi is scared."

Xuan Long responded, and with a wave of his sleeve, the three disappeared.

Yan Yuan tried to use his divine power to find out which direction they had gone in, but he could not find anything at all, so he wandered around like a headless fly, chasing after them with his bare feet.

"Don't go, don't go..."

"A'Po... A'Zhi... don't go..."

Unconsciously running into a white mist, he stepped into the air, and the feeling of weightlessness caused Yan Yuan to jolt awake. Sitting up from the bed, it was pitch black in front of him.

It was a dream.

The dream was so real that it broke his heart. He broke into a cold sweat, his throat felt like it was on fire, and there were tears on his face.

The moon was faintly visible through the window, and it was late at night. Yan Yuan sat for a long time, immersed in grief, unable to break away from... Xuan Long was with Yan Huo Heng, and it was not surprising that A'Zhi called Yan Huo Heng his father.

When he dies, A'Zhi will call Yan Huo Heng his father.

The pain that ripped through his heart made Yan Yuan cough uncontrollably. He wiped the blood from the corner of his lips and drank from his usual tea bowl on the stool by the head of the bed. In one gulp, the cold liquid slid down his throat and made his body twinge with pain.

After finishing it, he realised that something was wrong with the feeling of the tea bowl, and without thinking about it, he put it back on the stool and slowly lay back down on the bed.