CH 16

The five tiny words strike me like lightning.

My first reaction is to shrink back as though I’ve been burned. He furrows his brows and holds me back by the waist, not letting me go. 

“Xin,” he breathes near my face.

“Wait!” I tilt my head away to let the cool wind hit my face. My mind is a murky mess right now as if it’s been cluttered up. I can’t make sense of anything. 

It’s not the first time I’ve seen this kind of thing.

I’ve been well acquainted with the queer preferences of the wealthy and the powerful, whether I was working in the Golden Guardian, or wandering through the red-light districts or after I became a deputy general in the army. Nowadays, no matter where you go, keeping young boys and playing with male whores no longer is something done under the table. I’ve gotten used to this fact growing up in a high-ranking official’s home. 

But I’d never thought this kind of thing would happen to me. 

Okay, I admit I haven’t amounted to much. I always keep a carefree attitude and never get serious but that’s all a facade. I’ve always looked down on those sons of the rich who put on an act and fool around with others’ love. 

I look back at Murong Yu. 

He’s still in the same position as previously. The fire in his eyes seems to have dimmed but it jumps back to life shortly after a spark. 

I don’t know why he has made such a sudden utterance but now a lot of the questions I had has been answered.

I don’t know how much of it is true and how much of it is false either, but I can’t afford to get caught up in it either way. If it’s false and he just wants to put on a play with me to relieve himself of boredom, then naturally, I would have no interests in costarring. If it’s true—all that stuff about understanding and supporting each other—then I must try even harder to avoid it. 

He moves his hand up, over my waist, across my chest and finally stops at my forehead, drawing back the stray strands of hair. 

“You’re reluctant.”

I crack a bitter smile. “We’re both men.”

“I know,” he replies simply and holds me a bit tighter. “But I just can’t help myself.”

His light breath hits my neck as he whispers by my ear. It’s so warm I almost can’t believe it.

What a familiar scent.

This comforting feeling is so wonderful. When I was wounded, when I had a nightmare and when I was in danger, it was this feeling that kept me company the whole time. I’ve hesitated but now I raise my arms and wrap them around him. 

“I like you and I’ll protect you,” he says. “I won’t let another nightmare haunt you when you’re in my arms.”

A smile tugs at my lips. Is that a confession?

If I could, I really wish I could be a normal person and live without being tied down to anything in the world. Just go to some faraway place and spend the rest of my life as a free spirit.

But then I met this guy.

“Murong Yu.”

“Yea?”

“Listen….”

“To what?”

I press a finger to his lips. “Shh. Just listen.”

It’s an autumn evening with clear skies. A cool breeze glides by. The branches and vines in the forest sway in the wind, swishing in the tranquil night. The weeds and grasses out in the plains dance along the wind. Once in a while you can hear quiet neighs of horses.

He flashes a puzzled look at me and I chuckle.

“Do you hear it?”

“The wind.” He perks his ears to listen and then laughs. “But I’ve heard so much I’ve gotten used to it. What’s so special?”

I clear my throat and look off into the distance. “There’s nothing in the world that’s freer than the wind, in my opinion. I got bullied a lot as a kid, and I’d dreamt that I’d leave these mansions and their gates when I grow up and live life like the wind, free to do whatever I wish with nothing to hold me down. I can stop and enjoy the world when I want and when I wanna leave I won’t have anything to miss.”

“Murong,” I pause and look at him. “Don’t you understand? That’s the kinda life I want. You and I, we’re destined to have different paths. You’re the son of heaven. You should be reigning above all and hold the authority over life and death, enjoying glory beyond description. I just wanna be like the clouds or the wild cranes and indulge in the beauties of nature. I wanna be a free spirit with no worries.”

He shakes his head and draws closer, pulling me in tighter. 

“In your dreams,” he says in my ear.

Without another word, he keeps hugging me, his heated breath brushing my ear. 

I feel my face heating up again—stupid face.

“Han Xin, your wish sounds nice and all, and you’re right. We do have different things in mind. But, men born into this world should follow their destinies and make a name for themselves. Being born into the house of the emperor, it’s inevitable for me. If I don’t fight, there’s no guarantee that they’ll let me be. There isn’t a moment that the power game stops, that is, until you either succeed or die trying. If that’s the case, then I’d rather put in my all. With brains and talents like yours, why don’t you come help me? I can promise you that I will treat the people of Rui as equals when I ascend the throne. Once the lands are united, there won’t be any more suffering from wars and the people can settle down and live a secure life. When that happens, Han Xin, I will grant you whatever you wish, whether it be peerage or the position of minister, or retirement to the countryside. What say you?”

I drop my gaze and say in a hollow voice, “I don’t have any interest in wealth. I only want to live freely away from civilization.”

“I know what you’re worried about. We’re two men from two different countries, not to mention all the other stuff-.”

♚♔

Hot steam meanders in the air, floating idly.

Bathed in warm spring water, I feel all relaxed and even a bit sleepy. I’m resting on Murong Yu’s chest while he on the side of the spring, both of us with our lower halves still in the water. I don’t know when he had found this spring and had just followed him in without a thought. The spring has washed away the alcohol buzz and has brought forth lust.

On his tall nose bridge is a dab of moonlight. His nostrils are moving rapidly as he breathes hard. He pushes me down. Our clothes have long disappeared and our naked bodies are skin against skin, ear against ear. We gently caress and grind against each other. I pant as I look into his dark eyes that now seem to hold two balls of flame, and read the desires that lie within.

Any man would understand them.

I can’t help quivering from the lightest of his touches. He’s kissing my lips while his hands wander all over my body, expertly teasing me. His palms are scorching like the spring water, pushing me high into the clouds. Shakily, I try to keep my moans in.

I let my eyes close halfway as I pant quietly in between his passionate kisses. His tongue squeezes into my mouth, sweeping over every little place. He nibbles and sucks on the tip of my tongue and a violent shudder runs through me. I’m so hot and limp that I can’t do anything but let him hold me tighter.

He wraps me close in his arms and caresses me carefully, gently and longingly, as though I were a treasure.

Slowly, I return his kisses and intertwine our tongues, sweltering heat hitting my face. When he finally lets go of my lips, he skims past my neck and latches onto my earlobe, sucking and gnawing on it.

“Ahhh. Mhnn,” I moan quietly and hook my arms around his neck to get closer to him.

The hot, hazy fog hangs in the air. Lust flows through me along with the spring water.

Murong Yu’s eyes have gone misty with desire. Slowly, he releases my earlobe and plants light kisses down my neck. The hot puffs of air that hit me numb me and make me pant for air.

His hands trail down along my spine and massage my waist. The current is strong, making the water ripple along with his hands as they move down to my private part.

“Ah, don’t touch that.”

“Then what should I be touching?” He smirks and kisses me again. “Xin, I’ve missed that place of yours for so long.”

I feel my cheeks burning up right away and a strange feeling surrounding me like the water around me. With no choice, I hang onto his shoulders and move with him.

Just how shameless is this guy?

But then again, I can’t help but feel this sweetness in my heart even though I know what I’m doing now is shameful.

Do I like him?

Perhaps.

All I do know is that I don’t have to hide myself as much when I’m with him. I can just be myself.

I look up at him and brush over his chest, neck and jaw, pressing and caressing. Murong Yu’s eyes close into a slit and he starts breathing even harder.

“Didn’t think my dear Xin could be such a tease.”

I smile without answering and plant a ghost of a kiss on his collarbone as a piece of white jade swings back and forth before my eyes.

I feel like my bones have already dissolved into the steamy, silky water. Limply, I hook my legs around his waist. Waves of lust and fire brew within me. I can’t stand it anymore so I moan and bite his earlobe. “Stop teasing me.”

“So impatient.” He gazes into my eyes. “Your body knows me, Xin. Mmm, look at this guy. He’s already this hard.” He says as he takes hold of my erect member, rubbing, pressing, teasing, and stroking in just the right way. 

We’re so close to each other that I can easily feel his manhood rubbing in that tight crevice of mine, driving me crazy.

“Murong Yu,” I can’t stop myself from cursing. “Are you gonna fucking do it or not? Geez.”

I can’t clearly see his face through the swirling steam but I feel the proximity of his sweltering breath.

“Xin,” he chortles by my ear. “I was only holding back ‘cause I didn’t think you were ready. I’m gonna go in if you want, just don’t come crying for mercy later.”

I glare at him and counter. “Ain’t scared of you. C’mon, man up and gimme your best shot.”

“Don’t say I didn’t tell you so!” His breathing hitches and his expression becomes tense with desire. He thrusts forward and I feel his heat push into me along with the warm current. I shakily try to retreat but he has a firm grip on me. He pulls me down and starts ramming into me.

The water splashes echo accentuating our intense friction.

“You’re so tight, Xin.”

“Shut the fuck up, you bastard! Ah! Not so hard! Uhn…uhn…too deep.”

“Stop talking and lemme love you…uhn.”

“A-aaah! Ahh….”

“It’s here, isn’t it?”

I cling onto his neck. He pants as he speeds up. I can’t stop my moans and I shakily call out his name, fingers tangling with him.

His manhood is ravaging my insides and lights a spark somewhere along the way. Pleasure rushes through my body while I bounce up and down with his movements as though I’m riding a wave. My body seems to have melted in the water and drowned in ecstasy.

♚♔

Daybreak.

Darkness is still looming by the west side of the sky while light has begun to shine through the east side.

I get dressed and tie back my hair before standing up. I walk towards a horse tied down to a tree. It’s a very beautiful horse: sleek, powerful build and long, slender legs with a flowing mane like snow. He gives a joyous neigh as I untie him with a sigh.

I look back to see Murong Yu’s dark, gloomy expression. He remains silent, simply staring me down, a sharp glint flying across his eyes. We are wordless for now.

“You’ve made up your mind?”

“Yes, I have.”

He speaks in a suppressed voice, but I can hear the lurking anger. “Then what was last night supposed to be?”

I push away my wavering emotions and say with the flattest voice I can manage. “I’m not gonna deny anything that happened last night, but let’s just pretend it was a dream. Even the best of dreams comes to an end, and now…is the time we wake up.”

He shakes and takes a few steps back, his eyes screaming bewilderment, but he speaks again with his teeth clenched. “You…you’re still gonna stick with your decision—you’re still gonna leave?!”

Then his face contorts in pain and he continues lowly, “Why must you turn me down? Do you not feel anything for…. None at all?”

I take a deep breath and turn away. The sky to the east is turning clear.

“Don’t run away. We need to clear this up today!” He strides over and grabs my wrist. I meet his burning gaze without hiding and spot the pain within.

“I’ve tried to repress my feelings but it’s no use. Before I knew it, looking at you would make my heart burn. I couldn’t get it to go out no matter what I did. I just want to be with you. Believe me. This isn’t just a one-time thing. I’m serious. Together, we could be the happiest people in the world.”

Speechless, I smile at him while all my thoughts in my mind approach and get frozen behind my lips. This person and his embrace—that warm embrace—are the things I’m going to treasure for a lifetime.

Murong Yu, you don’t understand. I can’t give you anything and likewise, I can’t promise you anything.

Slowly, I place my hand on his shoulder, my heart seeming to tremble.

“Murong Yu, you know how I am. I can’t make any of the promises you want.”

He’s only a few inches away. After a silence, he reaches out towards me and snatches away the reins. “Don’t you even think about leaving!”

I regard his eyes and the rage rolling within and a few painful tremors run through me. I drop my gaze and smile, suppressing the discomfort and my downcast heart. “What am I supposed to do if you won’t let me go?”

“I said I’ll protect you!”

I snap back up and glare at him. “And I’ll live my life under your protection? Don’t forget, I’m a man too!”

He holds my gaze, the rage in his having died down slightly. “Then what am I supposed to do?

I stay quiet, not wanting to argue with him anymore. I pull my hand away and start stepping forward, but he tugs on me hard and pushes me down to the ground, pressing his body on mine shortly after.

“Get off! Let me up!”