CH 27

When Xu Juan left the house, the day was still bright.

The September breeze made its way around the city. He didn’t know where to go, resigning himself to driving wherever the wind led him. 

He had never expected that he would end up arguing with Pei Yu.

What had he even been thinking before that? It seemed he hadn’t really given it much thought. It was true that he hadn’t taken Pei Yu seriously, he wasn’t worried that Pei Yu would get mad and he didn’t think Pei Yu’s reaction would affect him too much. So, his words were very direct. Rather than discussing with Pei Yu like he’d said, it was more of him informing Pei Yu and giving him a head’s up.

However, Pei Yu’s opposition wasn’t unreasonable. He knew that Pei Yu was a man of integrity, he wouldn’t tolerate a single grain of sand in his eyes.

Then, why had he dared to challenge Pei Yu? 

It was probably due to his deep-seated self-confidence, he assumed that he would be able to coax the naive Pei laoshi into agreement with a few words from his honeyed tongue.

Indeed, even in the end, Pei Yu wasn’t angry with him.

That was a fool whose mind was muddled with love. He had actually attempted to persuade him to abandon his improper methods and become a decent person, to return himself to the correct path.

Xu Juan let out a laugh.

It often baffled him, he couldn’t understand just how someone could love another this much.

Pei Yu was not the first person that loved him.

He had splendid good looks and an illustrious family background. After all, weren’t people in this era the same? They either judged someone by their looks or worshipped money. He just so happened to have them both. Seriously speaking, with his qualifications, if he wanted to debut as a celebrity, he wouldn’t have to do anything. Once he put out his picture and personal history, then spent a little money on marketing, he would be able to attract a hoard of fans who loved him.

But what was it that they loved? 

Even Xu Juan himself had no clue.

He, too, judged others by their looks and liked beauties. But sexual appeal in itself was merely amusement to him, it was like watching a movie or playing cards, a sort of mental entertainment.

Perhaps, when others loved him, it was for the same reason.

Everyone was doing the same thing, entertaining one another and not taking each other seriously. Wasn’t it enough that they were happy? 

Was Pei Yu the same?

Definitely not. Subjectively, Pei Yu would never use him as entertainment. However, from an objective point of view, was Pei Yu’s love for him truly considered love?

Even he himself was a fake, so how could the love be genuine?

Anyhow, why should he care about these things? He wasn’t willing to drop his facade for someone else and beg for them to truly love him. That would’ve been too unrealistic a thought. 

But then again, didn’t everyone’s happiness stem from “unrealistic thoughts”?

Though it was all chaos in Xu Juan’s heart, there was a streak of clarity within.

He knew all too well; What really jabbed at his sore spot wasn’t any of that nonsense about true love or whatnot. After all, how much small change could love be worth? Since he himself hadn’t invested anything, what did he have to lose?

Qtja tjv fwyjggjrrfv tlw kjr atf ojma atja Ufl Te tjv jmaejiis ecvfgrabbv fnfgsatlcu. Lf tjv atbeuta atja lc ogbca bo Ufl Te, tf tjv wjlcajlcfv jc lwjuf bo qfgofmalbc. Dea atf gfjilas kjr atja atf batfg tjv ibcu rlcmf rffc atgbeut tlw –– Lf kjr yea j olcjcmljiis vfqfcvfca vewyjrr ogbw j glmt ojwlis ktb gfilfv bc tlr qjgfcar ab reqqbga tlr fzagjnjujca ilofrasif. 

––Truly a dumbass.

Xu Juan wasn’t sure just what he had been performing in front of Pei Yu for. He had even taken Pei Yu for a fool when in truth, the way Pei Yu saw him was probably not too different from how he himself saw Guo Shao.

All incompetent men have fragile egos.

The weaker one was, the lesser blows their ego would be able to withstand. Xu Juan now understood, he was exactly like this. No matter how charming or perfect he had crafted his facade to be, it was all papier-mache. 

He no longer wanted to see Pei Yu again.

At least, for now.

Xu Juan stopped his car on the roadside and went to get himself a pack of cigarettes from the supermarket.

Generally, he didn’t smoke, mostly because he detested the way smoke clung to him. But in comparison to heavy drinking, smoking was at least slightly less harmful. 

See, he treated himself so well.

Despite being in a bad mood and wanting to vent, he would choose something that wasn’t too unhealthy. He loved himself so much, no one would ever love Xu Juan more than Xu Juan himself.

Still, he couldn’t wrap his head around it; What did Xu Juan have that was worthy of being loved? Apart from wealth that didn’t belong to him, from his good looks that would erode with the passing of time, was there anything more?

Even if outsiders made no comment, at home, he was still the child that his parents disliked the most. Who was to be blamed? 

It had never been a matter of fate being unjust.

That he was where he was today, had entirely been his own choice.

Was this considered a failure? Xu Juan didn’t know.

At this very moment, he knew what his own thoughts were, but it also seemed as if he knew nothing. This wasn’t important anymore. To him, no person or thing could be considered important. As a matter of fact, he was a person who desired nothing. 

He stood there, on the side of the road, smoking the entire afternoon away.

When it was nearly dark outside, his phone rang. Xu Juan’s eye twitched at the vibration, and he took his time fishing out the phone. He glanced down, it was Hou Shijie calling.

“Ge, what are you doing tonight? Wanna come out and have some fun?” On the other end of the line, the music was deafening. Hou Shijie had probably gone off god-knows-where to mess around again. Worried that Xu Juan hadn’t heard him, he raised his voice and yelled, “It’ll be your birthday after midnight! Come out tonight! I have a few girls here, they’re all super hot! You coming, ge!”

“……” 

Xu Juan was literally in the middle of contemplating life, nearly cultivating to the point of immortality, but was suddenly doused with the familiar stench of secular corruption, and he almost choked.

“Nah.” He said listlessly, “You guys have fun, I’m a little tired.”

“Oh, all right then, you rest early. Don’t you still have a birthday party tomorrow, it’s also kind of physically exhausting–– No, wait, it’s not even seven, you’re retiring to bed so early?!” Hou Shijie was bewildered, his shouts making Xu Juan’s ears hurt.

Xu Juan couldn’t be bothered to entertain him and directly hung up. 

Honestly, it was strange. He had grown up with Hou Shijie and he was better than Hou Shijie in every aspect. But if he had to say, between the two of them, who was more laid-back, Xu Juan wouldn’t say it was himself.

Why so?

Because Hou Shijie was satisfied with what he had?

He, too, should be quite content now, but perhaps not completely so? He should have completely gone with the flow, demanding nothing from anyone or anything. Anyway, he never cared to begin with. 

Take Pei Yu for example; Pei Yu could say whatever he wanted. If he became displeased, at most, he could just change his partner, after all, he would never lack for one.

In fact, the next one would even be more obedient.

Xu Juan exhaled a ring of smoke, slowly lowering himself to a squat.

He was kind of exhausted. 

Earlier, he had driven aimlessly and with no direction. When he’d gotten out of the car, he hadn’t taken note of where he had stopped, either.

Night was falling. He was dressed head to toe in expensive clothing, yet appeared like a good-for-nothing roaming the streets, squatting under a streetlamp with a cigarette dangling from his lips. Under the borrowed golden glow of the lamp, he looked around him; It seemed like he was near Qingjing Gallery.

Xu Juan spaced out, the memory of the last time he was at Qingjing Gallery suddenly resurfacing.

That day, he had met Pei Yu for the second time. 

Back then, he had used unscrupulous means to worm his way close to Pei Yu. Pei Yu fell for his trap and got into his car.

During that short car ride, Xu Juan had carefully observed Pei Yu’s expressions while driving half-heartedly. Then, he had sent Pei Yu to Qingjing Gallery, met a drunk Pei Yu yet again that night outside the restaurant, sent Pei Yu home, wrote Pei Yu a calligraphy scroll of “Preface to the Poems Composed at the Orchid Pavilion”, borrowed Pei Yu’s clothes––

A month was too short.

All that happened a whole month ago felt as if it had been just yesterday. 

Yesterday, he had said to Pei Yu: “Have you ever heard the story of travelling to the lake and borrowing an umbrella?”

Today, there was no umbrella. Bai Suzhen had been imprisoned beneath the Leifeng Pagoda, thinking to herself, who did Xu Xian think he was? She gave up her peaceful life as a demon and insisted on flooding Jinshan Temple. In the end, she had been reduced to such a state. Was it worth it?

Perhaps Xu Xian was also thinking, who did she think she was? She was just a mere snake spirit, if she’s been imprisoned, then just let her be. 

Xu Juan started laughing, he couldn’t help it.

As he laughed, he reached the end of his last cigarette, the entire pack was empty.

Xu Juan finally decided it was time to go home.

It was his house, there was no reason not to return. 

Besides, it had already been quite some time, and the house was definitely empty and deserted now –– He had done something so unreasonable. If even clay figures possessed some degree of temper, let alone Pei Yu?

Xu Juan stood up from beneath the streetlamp and walked towards his car. He got in and drove in the direction of home.

When one wasn’t in a good mood, what they feared most was having it coincide with special days.

Just like how during the New Year’s festivities, everyone would be happy celebrating. If you were the only unhappy one, that unhappiness would multiply into two. Birthdays followed the same reasoning. 

Xu Juan had never had such a disheartening birthday. Although, it wasn’t midnight yet, so it wasn’t considered his birthday.

It wasn’t too far from it, though.

On the way home, he passed by a street of snack vendors. He got out of the car to buy some food, then stood by the roadside in the breeze for a while.

He was deliberately dragging out the time, but for what reason? 

Maybe it was because he felt Pei Yu might still be home. If he were, then things would get a little awkward.

But, frankly speaking, if Pei Yu had really left, that wouldn’t make him happy either.

Xu Juan wasn’t looking forward to confirming if Pei Yu was still there or not, but he would eventually have to go home. If not now, then later.

He dragged out the time until late into the night. 

At eleven fifty, Xu Juan finally parked his car back in the garage.

It was pitch black in the courtyard.

The entire villa was enveloped in darkness, not a single light had been left on.

Holding his breath, Xu Juan opened the door, turned on the lights. 

The bedroom door was open, so was the door to the study –– There was no one, Pei Yu had really left.

Xu Juan let out the breath that he had been holding and glanced down at the time on his phone: “All right, then. Happy birthday to me.”

T/N: i’ll be honest, i felt a little bad for xu juan here. i get him to some extent, it’s a very lonely way of thinking. to be afraid of disappointment so you expect nothing, to be afraid of losing what you have so you desire nothing.