CH 22

Ki-do was making his stage debut. At the time, Seol Ki-do had been absent from the English drama club for a month. Seol Ki-do and I were executives. Since the Lunar New Year, Ki-do was missing, and everything from MT preparation to event planning was uncertain. On that particular day, I went to see Seol Ki-do. I intended to grab his collar and drag him back to campus after the performance.

I crouched down on the stairs behind the small theater and waited. I saw the audience leaving one by one after the performance. It seemed difficult to enter. I bought a rose from a street vendor since I was afraid of being caught by the staff if I went in carelessly. I entered the small theater from the back door. I informed the staff that actor Seol Ki-do was my relative. The staff observed me and then opened the door.

I entered the waiting room while waving the rose like a plastic bag. Seol Ki-do was seated in the waiting room. I was confused. Of all things, he played the role of a bum. He looked fine, but he had a white spot on his face. Red rouge was also stamped on his cheek like a seal. Glimmering sweat ran down the side of his face.

“Why did you have to play this role?”

Ki-do looked up at me blankly. He was like a defeated boxer. It looked like he wasn’t even breathing. I approached Ki-do and held out a rose.

“Bastard, we have to go to MT after our midterm.”

“…”

“Hey, Ki-do.”

“…”

“Ki-do, Ki-do!”

Ki-do remained silent.

Then suddenly he cried. Tears streamed down Ki-do’s cheeks.

“Seol Ki-do, are you crying?”

“Hyung, I can’t control my pheromones.”

“What kind of nonsense are you saying while crying?”

“Hyung, I love acting.”

“Hey…”

“Hyung, what do I do? I love acting. I love acting, hyung. What should I do? I need to study for the TOEIC. Hyung, I haven’t gotten my certificate yet.”

The tears were washing away the makeup. It was quite a show. Seol Ki-do, who was crying out loud, was like the Joker. Make-up-covered white tears pooled under his chin and dripped down. I put down the rose roughly and took out tissues. I gently wiped Ki-do’s face.

“Why are you crying, you bastard? You were acting like a beggar, but now I feel like you’re a real beggar.”

“Joo-hyuk hyung, what should I do?”

“What should you do?”

Ki-do grabbed my wrist. He was taller than me, but he looked very weak at that moment. He was very small. It was then that I realized that Ki-do was my junior. Ki-do was still young.

“There were a lot of Omegas earlier. In front of me… But the pheromones… I was so surprised, but I worked really hard. My seniors told me that I held it in well. But after that, my heart started pounding. What should I do?”

Ki-do seemed to have broken. I patted Seol Ki-do on the back. There was the smell of sweat, makeup, and the distinct smell of dust associated with theaters. Ki-do cried like a man who had lost his country.

“I’m scared, hyung.”

“It’s okay.”

I hugged Seol Ki-do a little tighter. Ki-do sniffed out his runny nose. I didn’t even know what pheromones were back then.

I heard later that it was a vicious sexual harassment. In order to make fun of the popular main Alpha actor, some fans or antis gathered and emitted pheromones. This was a common occurrence in small theaters. I heard that if they were an Omega with weak energy, they would have fainted. It was fortunate that Ki-do was strong and ignorant.

I thought that the world of Alphas and Omegas was scary. But it was also a world that had nothing to do with me. That’s what I thought. I was an exclusive person. Even at that moment when Seol Ki-do was crying like that, I was watching as if it were someone else’s business. Because there was no room for me to enter the world of an Alpha. Ki-do could easily be comforted. What about pheromones? It will be fine. It’s no big deal.

Why didn’t I know then? The fact that I would live in an Alpha’s and Omega’s world. No, I was already living in the world of Alphas and Omegas. Why didn’t I realize that before? Maybe it’s because I was young. Deep down, I’d been treating Ki-do, an Alpha, like a Beta. I was immature. I thought Ki-do was a Beta, and we were hanging out as friends. Because Alphas and Betas can’t get along. Even though Ki-do is an Alpha, not a Beta, it was fine.

This world had always been one where Betas had to draw a line from the others. My world is in chaos right now. Director Lee likes me. The Alpha, Director Lee, was trying to cross the Beta line.

An Alpha is destroying my world. No, the gold-covered wall was slowly collapsing. Even the only Alpha, Seol Ki-do, I gradually accepted stood tall among the Alphas today. I mistook him for a Beta, but he wasn’t. I wanted to say he’s a Beta, but he isn’t. Ki-do is an Alpha. Before that, he was a friend of mine. A friend who was just like me. A person who was infinitely frail and vulnerable and fell in love. Seol Ki-do was an ordinary person.

That day, Seol Ki-do cried for a long time. I was dressed in black at the time. My shoulders were soaking wet. I pulled Seol Ki-do off my shoulder, and what did I say after that?

“It’s okay. It doesn’t matter if you can’t get a job. People don’t die easily.”

“Was that supposed to cheer me up?”

Ki-do laughed. All the while, his nose still dripped as a side effect of crying.

“Just whatever, work anywhere! Work hard and don’t starve to death. If you’re having a hard time, I’ll let you sleep at my house for a few days. If you don’t want to do the TOEIC, don’t do it.”

Ki-do sniffled with his runny nose. I grabbed some tissues and handed them to Ki-do.

“It’s okay. You said you want to do a musical. You can do it.”

He took a tissue and blew his nose. The makeup on his nose was erased in a circle. Really, I couldn’t forget that ugly look.

“It’s okay.”

And then I said,

“Live the life you want.”

***

When I went to the bathroom, I was a little relieved. I was out of my mind. I said I went to a small theater and then shut up. My answer to Director Lee’s confession was ‘toilet’. There is no such thing as romance.

I can’t believe myself. In fact, after thinking of a small theater, I thought of roses, and I felt that Director Lee’s face was red like a rose. I almost said thank you. Thank you for loving me.

I myself was astonished. My thoughts overflowed. I’m out of control. Director Lee likes me. He’s an Alpha, but he likes me. I know very well how important pheromones are to Alphas. In my opinion, Alphas and Omegas are pheromone humans. But he likes me. I don’t know about pheromones.

He likes me.

I take a deep breath. I calmed down a little.

After that, I hesitated in my attempt to use the toilet. Anxiety crept in as I looked at the huge bathroom. I’m afraid another strange person may appear. It’s the bathroom paradox. Strangers use it as a substitute for a motel if it’s clean. It bothers me because it’s dirty and unsanitary.

Someone entered the bathroom before me. He’s a short, plump man and he looked around a lot.

The man looked at me as if I were a criminal. I went to the restroom to avoid his stare. The man appears relieved as I begin to wash my hands. The man sighs as he looks over the toilet cubicle. That’s a sigh of relief.

I can be sure. That person is Beta.

There is a strong sense of unity. The man walks up to the sink to wash his hands. There’s soap next to me. For a brief moment, I moved out of the way. The man pumped the soap bottle numerous times to check if the soap was not flowing out. Water continues to flow and drop from my hand.

“I’m sorry.”

“Oh, no. It’s fine.”

We wash our hands again. There’s only the sound of running water in the bathroom. Then there’s a thumping sound and someone rushes into the bathroom. It isn’t just one person. There are two people kissing passionately. The two are almost rolling in.

“Oh, what the hell!”

The man who washed his hands yelled. I considered calling the staff. Why can’t life be easy? I wonder if there’s always a mess in the restrooms across the country. The man next to me is faster than me and separates the two of them.

“Get out! Go away! Turn around! Just get a room! After all, this is a hotel! It’s a hotel!”

I also gained a little courage and helped the man pull the two of them apart. The two took a deep breath. Looking closely, they look like people I had seen somewhere.

It’s the people from Hawaiian Food.

“Huh? You!”

The tall man shoved me on the shoulder.

“Who are you?”

I’m the one who turned you over to the police. Hello, I guess. I hope you enjoyed the bean rice leisurely. I have to be quiet. If we hadn’t met face to face, I wouldn’t have recognized them.

“What does it matter? This is a public restroom. If you aren’t going to do your business, get out.”

The man next to me shouted. He was like a prairie dog rushing to bite a snake.

“Staff! Staff! Where is the intercom? These Alphas and Omegas need to be kicked out! Staff!”

He seems like a very angry person. I’m neither an Alpha nor an Omega, but I’m a little terrified. The Hawaiian couple held hands and left the bathroom. They didn’t forget to stare at me and the man. The shorter man dragged the taller man and took off in stride.

As the two of them left, the sound of the faucet still running reached my ears. I turned off the water supply and looked back at the man.

“Beta?”

“You too?”

The man nods his head. The man asks for a handshake. Both of our hands are still wet.

“Nice to meet you. I’m sick of going through this so frequently these days…”

“I had no idea there were others who felt the same way I did.”

It’s an emotional moment. The man said,

“Everything the Betas worry about always happens.”

I nodded to the man and left. I should have asked his name, and I regretted it later.

When I returned to my seat, Director Ha’s chair was empty. Director Lee takes my hand carefully.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes. I’m fine, really.”

I take Director Lee’s hand and put it down on the chair. I’m worried that my hands might still be wet. Director Lee’s fingers wrapped around the back of my hand.

“I think it will be late when this is over.”

Director Lee’s voice is soft.

“Do you want to have a drink with me?”

The director’s hand that touched me felt hot. I don’t know what to do if the water evaporates. It’s not going to evaporate. I had an absurd thought. Only Director Lee’s face shone in the somewhat dimmed hall.

“Yes. That sounds good.”

It’s an impulsive answer. In fact, I want to go home right now. But my mind is still muddled. I want to spend more time with Director Lee. He says he likes me. He’s an Alpha, but he likes me. It’s weird. I’m curious too. It could have been curiosity, but it could have also been attraction. He likes me despite the fact that I am a Beta.

It’s unclear whether Seol Ki-do has already left the stage. With my eyes, I look around to find Ki-do. If Ki-do is close, it could be a good idea to ask him to join us for a drink. I’ll go home with Ki-do after I finish drinking. I’d like to say something to Ki-do. I want to ask him if he remembers that small theater from back then. I saw you again today. Today, you were not a beggar.

“Then shall we get up first?”

Director Lee’s face brightens. Director Ha would have smiled that whole time if he hadn’t been searching for Director Lee from behind.

“Si-hyun-ah, Director Si-hyun. Have you seen that rascal Ha Won-joo? Oh, I’m being embarrassing when you are speaking with Jin-hyuk. You’ve not seen Ha Won-joo, have you? I just saw him dragging along an Omega. They were kissing, so I guess that’s what young people do these days. You should do it while you are young, but I can’t find him now.”

“Won-joo?”

“That bastard took after me… I did the same thing when I brought an Omega who was bigger than me. Still, there is nothing I can do because he is small like me. That can’t be helped. My father is also small. The heredity is unavoidable. Anyway, they love each other to death, but if they always stick to each other, they’re bound to do something stupid; I can’t live peacefully because of him. What do I say when I go home? Should I say I lost Won-joo again? Si-hyun-ah, your uncle will be kicked out.”

Director Lee shook his head in embarrassment.

“If Director Lee is busy, I’m fine going next time.”

“I… Haa… I’m sorry. My cousin is Won’s brother. He’s very….”

“It’s okay. Family matters come first. I will go first.”

“Kang Jin-hyuk you’re leaving? Do you want me to call the limousine?”

“What? No, no, no, no, it’s fine. I can take the subway.”

I let go of Director Lee’s hand and got up. Director Lee didn’t take his eyes off my hand as if he were disappointed.

“I’ll call you.”

“Yeah.”

“Can I call you at night?”

Director Lee looks up at me. A light flashed across his dark eyes. I thought about it. He’ll call me at night. My boss says he’ll call me. It doesn’t make sense. He’s not calling for work. So that’s not good. Can’t he? Why not?

“The call…”

“Hey, Si-hyun-ah. If you call your subordinate late at night, you’ll get cursed at. Gosh. Jin-hyuk, you can go. Uh, yeah, I’ll pay for the train.”

“No, thank you. It’s really okay.”

“No. you’re Si-hyun’s friend, I’ll give it to you. Alphas don’t have many Beta friends. Si-hyun, be nice to Jin-hyun.”

“Uncle.”

Director Ha handed me the money. 100,000 won. For a party. This is only a party. Yes, I did work today. Boredom washed away all at once. It’s refreshing. I got paid.

I wave my hands and got the money. To be honest, I’m happy to receive it. Director Lee’s cheeks appeared to have lifted somewhat. Director Lee’s elbows were on the table. Director Lee’s and my fingertips brushed against each other as I extended out my hand. Director Lee gave me a blank stare.

“Call me.”

“Let’s go! Si-hyun-ah, get up. I need to find Won-joo. I’ll punish him when he gets home”

I left the hotel, leaving the two behind. I felt a little better when I got to the train station. I’m going home.

I sat amid the crowds and gazed into the distance. I’m tired of doing nothing. A train advertisement catches my attention.

Betas for Betas, Marriage for Heart Beta

It’s a marriage arrangement company. Ads are very common these days. I wonder how many Betas it has matched. Seol Ki-do doesn’t need that because he’s an Alpha. Director Lee won’t need this either. But Director Lee said he likes me…

My eyes became cold. I’m going to go buy some beer on the way home.

After getting off the subway station, I can walk through the main street and there will be a modern apartment. I can get home faster if I go through the modern apartment building. I walked past the playground, the schoolyard, and the clock that resembled a streetlight.

As I walked, I found a convenience store and walked in. In my hands are the two 50,000 won bills Director Ha gave me. Something feels complicated. I proceed to the beer section and sort through the cans by type. I’ll have to buy a few cans now that I’m here. There’s also a German beer with a picture of a rose on it. My hand is engulfed in a cold sensation. I’ll buy it.

“Go to bed early. Don’t eat late at night because you have to leave early tomorrow. You ate chicken yesterday. Bastard. You’re the one who ate, but the trainer is scolding me, you bastard. You’re such a jerk.”

I put the beer into the basket. I glanced around when I heard someone talking. It was that person. The Beta I saw before. He is talking on the phone with his wistful eyebrows. Why is that person here? The world is really small.

“Are you going to buy it? No, it’s because that’s all we’ve been talking about lately. Where would you buy it? Crazy. No, it would be nice to buy something. Size? I don’t know what size it is. I don’t know. Dongdaemun? You’re going to go all the way to Dongdaemun? Do you want to see how angry I would be?”

He also seemed to be on to something. The basket is filled with sausages and sandwiches. I stepped aside as he approached the beer section. I also need to get some snacks. I strolled through the snack section. I couldn’t concentrate on choosing snacks. I could only hear the other person’s call.

“Calm down, okay. That’s not what I’m saying. Hold it in even if you’re hungry. Let’s stop talking about underwear. I’m outside. I’m embarrassed. Sometimes, sometimes you are really embarrassing.”

It felt strange eavesdropping on someone else’s phone call. It shouldn’t be like this. Let’s focus on the snacks. Should I buy potato chips or what? Should I buy an event product…

There are also two bags of sweets. I and the Beta from before arrived at the counter at the same time. The Beta recognized me and his eyes widened.

“Huh? From earlier…”

I bow my head and say hello. We paused, awkwardly facing each other.

“I’ll help you with the calculations.”

The clerk picks up a barcode scanner. It’s a muffled voice. We are astonished like students caught by the teacher.

“Please go ahead.”

“No, you can go first.”

“Oh, it’s okay.”

“Then I’ll go first…”

The man agreed and chose to go first. I could hear a beep each time a barcode was being scanned. Even the music in the store is off-putting. He also purchased a pack of cigarettes. He glanced back at me. It was as if time had stopped. For no apparent reason, I scuffed the tip of my shoes on the ground.

“I’ll help calculate for the next person.”

The man who had done the calculation went to the microwave. He appeared to be warming up something. I’m worried about whether I’d go out first or whether the man would. The microwave alarm went off as I handed the card to the cashier. I put beer and snacks in the bag after paying.

“Next person, I’ll help you calculate. Goodbye.”

The man and I left the automatic door at the same time.

The man nodded at me. I greet him once again. And we’re walking in the same direction. Wow, I want to die. I’d like to teleport. I’d like to teleport if it’s possible. I walk quickly. The man also walks more quickly. I realized one thing. We are both thinking the same thing.

The man and I walk as if we’re in a team. The plastic bag rustling sounded like thunder. The man is staring at me. I’m also conscious of the man’s gaze. The man who is squinting at me said something to me.

“Do you live in the modern apartment?”

“No, in the front…”

“Oh…”

We are silent again. And I walked quietly again. This time I ask,

“Do you live in the modern apartment?”

“Yes…”

“Oh…”

When I was young, that was, when I was in elementary school, my dream was to become a ‘Power Ranger’. When I was younger, I wanted to be a dinosaur. And with that ambiguous relation between the two, my next dream was to be a wizard. Now my dream is also to be a wizard. I want to be able to teleport like a wizard. I want to teleport home.

The man then asks,

“Do you smoke?”

“No, I don’t smoke…”

“You must have smoked before.”

“When I was in college, a little…”

“Oh…”

The man rummaged through the plastic bag. He looked uncomfortable as he held the bags in both hands. At this point, I have to run away quickly. Come on, run! Legs! Go!

My body doesn’t listen to me. Especially my mouth.

“Do you want me to help you hold the bags?”

“Oh, wait, oh, thank you.”

I take one of the men’s bags. The man took a cigarette from the cigarette pack and lit it. I even saw him lighting a cigarette and returned the plastic bag to him.

“Thank you.”

“No worries.”

The man continued to move forward. I also move ahead. There is only one road in this area. We must keep walking. Perhaps this is how life is. Even if you don’t want to walk, you have to walk. I walk around in my really comfortable underwear while holding a beer.

“Before, I was really surprised. Among the Alphas and Omegas, there are definitely such people. I always have to look around when I go to the bathroom. I’m afraid there’s something going on.”

The man said while exhaling cigarette smoke. The man’s complexion looks slightly better. Maybe he had a cigarette in his mouth to endure this awkwardness. All people live the same way.

“It’s something I’ve been through a lot. Weren’t you surprised?”

“I was surprised. But I’ve seen a couple of instances before. Especially where I work, I work outside a lot, but when I work in the company, it’s just… It’s no joke. Omegas trying to seduce you with pheromones and stuff like that…”

“But you’re a Beta, right?”

“I’m a Beta. I’m a Beta, and due to the nature of my work, not being able to sense pheromones is a penalty. But I can tell who is releasing pheromones, and now, I have to take care of it.”

“Where do you work?”

“Well, I work in broadcasting.”

The man put the bag on his wrist and reached out for a handshake.

“I’m Bae-ilhae.”

“I’m Kim Joo-hyuk.”

“At first I thought you were an Alpha. Because you’re tall. But you being a Beta, I can’t believe it.”

“Oh, no. No. I’m really a Beta.”

“It’s very difficult to live as a Beta, isn’t it?”

He sucked in the cigarette and lifted his head. It’s a moonless night. My wrists are heavy.

“That’s right.”

“We play love in all directions, fate or whatever, but I’m more concerned about paying the rent than love.”

“Right, I think the world is different. The world we live in.”

“I’m saying all sorts of things to someone I’ve never met before.”

The man turned.

“I am going this way. I live in 102-dong.”

“Alright.”

“Go home safely.”

“Yes.”

After greeting each other, we parted. It’s a quick walk home. I don’t know if Ki-do left as well. Director Lee is probably still looking for Ha Won-joo-ssi. Kissing… Maybe the person I met in the bathroom is Ha Won-joo-ssi?

It’s none of my business. I quicken my pace. I’m going to drink beer.

I ran into the man next door in front of the elevator on the first floor. I say hello to him. We ascended in silence. I keep getting company. I’ve never wanted to be alone as badly as I do now. As I got off the elevator, the man spoke to me.

“I haven’t seen you lately.”

“Yes, you’re right. Have you been doing okay?”

“Yes, I’ve been fine. Well, I guess you’re on your way back from somewhere.”

“Yes, I had something to do…”

“Okay…”

“Please go in.”

“I…”

“Yes?”

The man laughs.

“No. Please go in.”

I changed my clothing as soon as the door shut. After taking off my clothes like a snake sheds its skin, my conscience summoned me. These are Ki-do clothes, so I have to organize them neatly. I walked into my room and grabbed a hanger. I hung the clothes up, changed into more comfortable clothes, and turned on the TV. At this time, some sort of entertainment program is airing. It’s full of unfamiliar faces.

I spread the assortment of beers on the table. I also brought out a plate to put the snacks on. The empty plate stood out in the middle of the table.

It’s lonely to drink a beer alone. The TV volume is quiet. It would be great if someone could accompany me. Up until then, I wanted to be alone. Not so much now. My mind is complicated. I chugged the cold beer all at once.

I put my head on my knee. Tired. When I look up, I see a familiar face. Ki-do is appearing on the TV screen. Not as a guest, but in some featured footage. Seol Ki-do, that bastard, is laughing at whatever is funny. The Ki-do at work looks fine. The Ki-do I know is lazy, a little stupid, and ugly.

I looked at his illuminated face and drank alcohol. I’ll take a good rest tomorrow and go to work on Monday. I opened the snack bag and poured it onto the plate. It’s like drinking while facing Ki-do. Ki-do is not here, but he is right across from me. I feel like I have a portrait in front of me. It’s a bit uncomfortable.

I’ll have to call to see if he’s still alive.

I saw you today. You’re not a beggar today. You looked fine. You looked like an Alpha.

It was unfamiliar.