CH 40

Cliche Misunderstandings Always Happen Coincidentally (2)

When I returned home, my mom and dad were about to eat. The moment they saw me, they immediately stretched out their necks to peer behind me. I waved my hands: “I didn’t bring him home. Who brings him home the moment they start dating?”

My mom despaired as she handed me a bowl and some chopsticks, “We’ve seen your face for twenty-ish years. It was with much difficulty that we could see a new face. How can I not be excited?”

My father echoed, “As for this Fang Yuke, two days ago I saw him on the news. Sure enough, he’s exactly like your dad back in the day……

I imitated Zhao Benshan’s tone of voice and said, “As if. Black dirt and white clouds are all incomparable things. If you were pretty when you were young, how could you give birth to such an unmemorable person? If I were to undergo plastic surgery, besides the fact that I wouldn’t have to do my ears, I would have to do overhaul on all my other areas. How awkward would that be for the plastic surgeon?”

TLN: You probably won’t get the Zhao Benshan reference if you haven’t heard him speak before or you don’t know anything about him. I’m both HAHA

My mom looked at me in wonder, “How did you suddenly see the whole situation clearly? Alas, Fang Yuke has a little fault. He’s too hot which makes it easy for my Linlin to feel inferior. Just look at how he’s attacked my daughter.”

I pouted and didn’t speak.

My father was still the one who knew how to love people, “What’s wrong with Linlin’s appearance. Doesn’t she have a nose and eyes?”

I nodded my head fiercely.

“Besides her smaller eyes, her droopy nose, some pits on her face, and a bit more flesh on her chin, she’s pretty great,” said myy father as he looked over me carefully.

How was this a quick-witted natural harbor? This was obviously the end of a loli!

Ever since my mother began to speculate in stocks, we bought a computer. And as for my forgotten idle room, it had been reduced to a study room. I entered the room to rest as I idled my time away on the internet. I listened to some music, went on some gossip sites, and opened QQ, reaching my intended location in a flash.

Wow! Fang Yuke’s light was on by his profile picture.

As far as I could remember, his QQ was made up so that he could help me register my QQ. Even his ID name “Heart Jumps” had been thought of at the last minute in my dormitory. I didn’t know how many close females had joined his QQ. Didn’t women usually change numerous QQ numbers to meet numerous guys? Plus, guys could all have numerous girls under one QQ number…  When I had stolen his QQ password to take a look, I had seen a few. But where was I?

TLN: According to socksrocker, QQ is like whatsapp maybe, but with different usernames

As I was thinking, my mother brought some fruits in. She carried a chair and sat next to me, examining me for a long time. She sighed and said, “You have went through many grievances in university right? You cut your hair and you got skinnier. The moment you entered, your dad and I both couldn’t recognize you. Did you change to this morality and conduct because of that Xie Duan Xi?”

A mother knows her daughter best. Usually when my mother entered my room, she would act out the role of a caring older sister, extremely different from her usual self where she blustered loudly. I rubbed my bare toes, “I guess so. On the contrary, I was very broken-hearted back then. The sky collapsed. Alas, the most popular guy on campus has an owner, whilst I can’t keep up. How could I not get skinnier from worrying about this?”

Ma passed me a piece of watermelon, indicating that I should try it. I admired my mother. She could give me fruit to eat after I had finished rubbing my fingers through my toes. My unfortunate bad habits that people resented probably stemmed from this.

Ma continued to say, “It’s okay for youngsters to be crazy once in a while. Before I married your dad, I still went out with other people. However,  just because you go out, doesn’t mean that you will really spend your days together. Last time when I saw Fang Yuke at the train station, I could see that the way he looked at you was different. Fang Yuke, this person is handsome and educated. He looks like he really understands your thoughts and really loves you. In the future you must have children to neutralize each other out. At least, he is better than you. In the future you won’t suffer as much as I did raising you. I will also feel at ease. Back when you were born, you were black and ugly, with all five of your senses organs crammed together on your face. At the time, if it hadn’t been for that nurse that held you, I would have been suspicious of whether you were my own child or not.”

Old people all love to play around with “recalling the past” and “looking forward to returning”. As they speak, they would get further and further away from the topic at hand.

“Mom, are you comforting me or mocking me?” I couldn’t help but cut her off. No matter how much we spoke, it would always turn into how much light I had taken from Fang Yuke. Even I thought that I had taken too much of an unfair advantage…..

Suddenly, in QQ, Fang Yuke’s profile picture flashed. Ugh, this was the first time I was happier seeing someone else’s head than Grandpa Mao on the Chinese Yuan.

I shoved the watermelon into my mother’s hand, not caring that my hand was sticky and immediately opened it.

“Are you done reflecting on yourself?” [Fang Yuke]

My mom leaned towards the screen, exploiting the opportunity.

I pushed the old woman’s face to the side. As I looked at this sentence, I immediately became happy. This rascal was finally willing to talk to me again.

My mother suspiciously hissed, “Reflect on what? Did you get into more trouble? I just knew you would cause trouble. Didn’t I tell you to protect the Gold Mountain? How come you still cause so much trouble for me even after you’ve grown? Is it easy for your parents to make money? Can you be worthy of us if you still cause trouble after growing so much?”

Why does  this sound so familiar? Wasn’t this the way my mother admonished me back when I didn’t pass my math exam? I shot a glance at her and resolutely said, “I absolutely did not create any trouble. I was rooting out the dissident to pave out our future path. Unfortunately in the midst of misfortune, I was attacked by a hidden enemy.”

“Usually, when you have nothing to do, you stick out your chest and knock yourself against a gun. Do other people really have to plot against you? Alas, I will have to practice my typing in the future so I can just help you chat myself. Right now, I’ll speak, and you type.” My mother impatiently pointed at the keyboard.

My mother governed from behind the curtain, as I became a puppet who only knew how to type. The following is the chat record from my mother and Fang Yuke:

My mom: I have finished reflecting. I was so wrong that I became a total mess.

Fang Yuke: As long as you know you’ve been wrong, it’s okay.

My mom: I was wrong about everything, but I have never been wrong about one thing.

Fang Yuke: ?

My mom: That is loving you. All of these mistakes have arose because of this reason. (Sure enough, my ma didn’t watch all those Chiung Yao dramas for nothing.)

Fang Yuke: Who are you?

My mom: I am your Zhou Linlin who always loves you. (My goose pimples fell all over the floor. Did she really just say such a thing that made me drop all my dignity now and in the future? I tried to refuse, but  was pitilessly suppressed by my mother)

Fang Yuke: What do I usually call you?

I laughed. This rascal was super smart. He began to use secret signals. But my mother’s hands flew over like fried dumplings, as she took the initiative and helped me type: Idiot.

My mom: What is that scent of burning? Oh, it turns out that it is my heart that is burning for you. (I was speechless! My mom was totally terrifying and intimidating.)

Fang Yuke: In 30 minutes, I’ll meet you by the KFC by your house.

I looked at Fang Yuke’s profile picture that had speedily changed to black and white. Then, I looked at my mother who was very proud of herself. I couldn’t help but admire the vicious and hot methods of this old woman. Selling her own daughter, she was really not aloof in the least. My ma touched my head, “The future is long, right now retreating a step is so that you can jump farther. Wait until your position is steady and then I’ll help you avenge this. You shouldn’t be too tender right now. This old woman has drank more water than the water you’ve bathed in. In the future, if anything comes up, then you must consult with some adults. Thinking of the past, didn’t I yell at your dad? Right now, look. If my finger points south, does your dad dare go west?”

I thought that maybe I was not my mother’s biological daughter. Otherwise, how come I had none of the two-faced characteristics that she was associated with? In the future, when I’m married, as long as I could become the queen bee at home, I would die contentedly in the face of death.

My mom opened my closet, and placed each garment in front of my body. Then, she threw them onto the bed, one by one. In the end, she sighed in despair and pulled me over to the neighbor’s house. The moment she entered, she spoke as if she were robbing, “Take me to your daughter’s closet.”

Auntie Li was my mom’s mahjong pal for these past few years, who could not be shaken by thunder[1]. The strong and unyielding sentiments on the Great Wall seemed like boulders. Moreover, my mom often used Auntie Li’s daughter to teach me a lesson. Actually, Wang Jian [2] was my idol, even she was only named “Simple”, following Auntie Li and spending money like she did was called doing as one pleased. How was it anything like me who had to beg my mom for money? Also, Wang Jian’s stature was completely of the highest degree that I could never attain. Her fashion model build,plus her skinny arms and legs and big boobs were amazing. Usually, she bought clothes that were cool and elegant. At night, she would put on heavy make up and go out. This was practically a contagious disease that spread everywhere. On the whole, whenever girls met her, they would feel inferior and sorrowfully walk away. When men saw her, they would throw aside their soul, and at the very least, they would start having nose bleeds.

Auntie Li and my mother threw all the clothes onto me. F**K, when culottes were thrown onto my body, they became leggings. Casual Western style clothes became a great gown. Did my mother think she didn’t attack me enough?

My mother finally found a black knee-length dress, with simple and slender shoulder straps. It was arranged tight against the skin, showing off a vast sky of stars in the form of abundant specks that moved to and fro. It was made out of cool and refreshing chiffon. If Wang Jian wore it, she would look like a Barbie doll, like an Indian princess. When I wore it, because of the height difference, and the seemingly longer slender shoulder straps, it seemed that my whole center of gravity was way under Wang Jian’s center of gravity by 6 or 7 centimeters. (Everyone voluntarily imagine clothes that suit Lin Chi-Ling’s height on Zhou Xun’s body. P.S. This is just to make a few analogies, please don’t attack any celebrities.) My poor bra that looked like steamed dumplings from Hangzhou, could actually be vaguely seen. Correspondingly, the back exposed a little more than normal. I awkwardly looked in the mirror. Besides the blackness that made me look skinnier, this skirt really didn’t suit me.

TLN: The point with the Lin Chi-ling vs Zhou Xun thing is that Zhou Xun is shorter than Lin Chi-ling so obviously clothes that fit one person won’t fit another person.

However, my mom expressed her contentment, “Since nothing is exposed anywhere, we must create opportunities for it to become exposed.”

I looked at Auntie Li, feeling very hard-pressed. Auntie Li was loyal and devoted to my old mother, so she said yes with all her might.

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[1] 雷打不动 not shaken by thunder (idiom); the arrangements are unalterable / to adhere rigidly to regulations / will go ahead whatever happens (of an arrangement or plan)

[2] 王简 (wang jian): 简 (jian) means simple