CH 3

In a private room at night, where silence reigns, the sinister sound of a phone call rings out again today————

“Hello, it’s Mary-san.”

What is heard from the other end of the call is the voice of a young girl with a somewhat stiff echo. 

[……Mary-san huh.]

I let out a sigh.

There was a special program on political news today, and as far as I was concerned, I had no decent way of amusing myself, so I was bored. Thanks to Mary-san though, I can kill some time.

Incidentally, the news report was about the prime minister being kicked in the nuts by a female member of the opposition party during a session of the Diet. Knowing about it is amusing, but seeing the same story being shown on all TV stations makes it kinda tiring.

However, it seems like there has been a new development in Mary-san’s life.

“Yes. Hello, it’s Mary-san. I just arrived at a small village……”

[Houu. Encountering the natives huh. That sounds like something people wouldn’t have a problem about but————- Ahhh, were you unable to communicate with them?]

If you normally think about it, there’s no way you can just go to another world and assume they’d be speaking Japanese, right?

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. No, they can speak Japanese, Kawachi-ben and Akro language normally……”

[Well, isn’t that quite convenient!?]

“They also had McDs, Suk*ya, and sh*mamura chains here……”

[How widespread is their networking!?]

“I heard that the convenience store, Fam*lyMart here, but it seems that it has been pulled out and replaced by a Daily Yam*zaki. Seems like they’re swapping out of the white cutleries……”

[Even at a different world, you’re as pitiful as always, Fam*lyMart!!!]

And then, there’s that standard Dairy Yam*zaki in the countryside! They even have convenience stores there? Also, it’s probably one of those that would suddenly close shop before you even know it.

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. Soon after I arrived in a little incident……”

[Eh!? Have you come across a serial murderer!?]

Has she now turned into the grandchild of a famous detective, who encountered a bizarre case like that one in the Village of Eight Gravestones or The Inugami Family, or is she in the same position as that death reaper grade schooler who has the body of a child but the brain of an adult? If that’s the case———-

[I got it. The murderer is Mary-san!]

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. There’s no such dangerous incident, and the harmless Mary-san would never do such a thing……!”

Mary-san denied it, but Mary-san herself doesn’t seem to recognise that Mary-san’s existence itself is strange and just bizarre.

“Explaining what happened, I entered the village and wanted something to eat, so I brought out these stone-like money from the Goblins I slaughtered, and stripped them down all of their possessions———-“

[Drop items. You’re picking up drop items.]

I rephrased her wording in a more reasonable way.

“I tried to negotiate with the store and sell my drop items, but they said no……”

[Ahh, in such cases, you would usually bring those stuff to the Adventurers’ Guild, isn’t it?]

“Is that so? However, I was told that a virtual currency they call Arkham Coin is mainstream in this country and they don’t handle cash in the first place……”

[The cashless society has encroached its way to another world———-!!!]

It’s a hard world to live in for us country folks who only believe in cold hard cash! Also, making use of a virtual currency with that name really makes me lose my mind.

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. However, the whole village seemed to be celebrating today, so the villagers welcomed me with open arms, buying me food, sweets and drinks in turn……”

[Well, country folks are homely and kind.]

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. And now, I’m being held captive in the hideout of a group of bandits……”

[I can’t keep up if the development is that sudden!!!]

How the heck did that happen!?

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. Errr, from what I’ve heard……”

I patiently asked her about her current situation, which she herself doesn’t quite understand———- probably due to that 1 INT of hers———- which is the reason why she’s acting on instinct without thinking.

She was apparently on her way to the north, walking in a straight line and happened to tsee that village and stopped by.

[No, wait. In the first place, how would you even know which way was north?]

When I asked her about that basic question……

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. Knowing that is common sense. According to that song, the sun rises in the west and sets in the east, so all I have to do is face the direction in which the sun sets and move towards the direction of my rice bowl-holding hand……”

She went around in a circle and somehow came up with the correct answer.

It seems that her instinct and excessive reverse luck are somehow meshing with each other, even though she was thoroughly incorrect.

This is just incomprehensible……

Anyway, I somehow managed to elicit a poorly expressed explanation from her……

It seems that that village———– Ikama Village, a poor village with an ominous name that infringes on some copyright when read in reverse or becomes shady as soon as you put a “sa” in the middle of it———– the day before her arrival, they were targeted by a group of cruel bandits with mohawks who ransacked nearby village and declared war on them.

(T/N: Ikasama = fraud village.)

And so, they first made an example of the village’s main force of young men, hunters and strong ex-soldiers, killing them all and burying them upside down around the village (Mary-san apparently passed them by and didn’t pay attention to them, thinking it was modern art. No, that’s when you turn back!). Furthermore, “by tomorrow, gather all the property in the village in the plaza. Also, all the people except the old and the sick are to be enslaved, so make sure to gather everyone, understand!? ———or so the one-sided declaration the mohawk thieves made before they left temporarily.

Some of them tried to escape during the grace period until tomorrow (which was already today)———- including some surviving carpenters———- but an hour passed and they were thrown at the entrance of the village in a state of utter disrepair.

To be more specific, just like the carpenter that they were, they were decapitated with a saw. They peeled their skin with a plane, gouged out their eyeballs with a chisel, and had their testicles flattened with a hammer———–

[———-Urph…..]

I felt sick in the middle of the story, so I interrupted Mary-san as she continued to explain the situation and changed the subject.

I mean, the most frightening of all is Mary-san who kept on talking about it.

For the news that buzzed in modern Japan to be one where the Prime Minister fainted in agony after being kicked in the nuts, how peaceful could Japan be……

That is when Mary-san stepped in the village, and while she was eating and drinking, the bandits attacked again and caught her and the villagers.

[———-No, wait! Why are the villagers making merry under such circumstances!?]

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. I heard that since it’s going to be the end of their lives anyway, they might as well make merry……”

[They’re running away from reality!?!? I mean, why the heck didn’t they say something to Mary-san, who had nothing to do with what’s going on in their village!?]

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. They told me with roars of laughter that even a stranger or a child can be a companion on their way to hell……”

[What a bunch of scum that village has!!!]

I’m starting to feel like that village deserved to be raided. Geez, this is why some people say country folks are so insidious and close-minded! Heck, wouldn’t it be better for the people of that world if those villagers perished!?

[———-So, you’re on the verge of being sold into slavery?]

I wonder if this is gonna be one of them slave rising to the top stories.

Well, she’ll definitely be sold dirt cheap, treated as a dimwitted child spouting delusions like killing the Demon King.

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. Yes, they appraised the level, strength and skills of the villagers, and we were separated in different colored prisons in the hideout……”

Ohh, the Appraisal Skill. That Skill pops out here too huh. It would be useful if she could learn it herself, but I won’t bother asking Mary-san to try and learn a skill that requires one to use the brain. I mean, that would be as useless making a monkey understand javascript.

“The highest ranking jail seemed to be the black prison. Next to it is green, then orange, blue, and yellow……”

[The same color coding of the plates at a sushi bar!?]

“Incidentally, the pure and innocent Mary-san is the only one placed here in a white cell……”

[Dirt cheap! They’re definitely treating you like dirt cheap goods!]

She’s placed in the same colored plates as inari or kanpyo, which are priced at 100 or even 80 yen on weekdays.

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. Meanwhile, the young girls and beautiful women are taken away by the bandit underlings for “sampling”. I’m sure Mary-san’s ripe body is under their gaze and I’d end up like in those thin books……”

Nah, I doubt it.

“The bandits all had their eyes on Mary-san. Their eyes are just like those of beasts. All of them whispering to each other, “D*mn, what’s with that girl? Her whole body is covered in blood and brain fluids……”

No, those aren’t “eyes just like those of beasts”, those are “eyes looking at a beast”.

Heck, why the heck did the villagers of Ikama Village accept Mary-san, who seemed like she was still covered in Goblin blood and other bodily fluids? I wonder how much of their brain they gave up just to stop caring about what’s gonna happen to them?

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. It seems that the bandit leader fell in love with Mary-san at first sight, as I was bathed and given a change of clothes……”

Even the head of that diabolical bandit gang took pity on her……

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. They took away my knives, so here’s my Status right now———–“

Mary-san   Calamity Doll (♀)   Lv 2

HP: 7

MP: 24

SP: 7

STR: 5

INT: 1

END: 5

MND: 10

AGI: 5

LCK: -29

Skills:

Spiritual World Communication

Unlimited Kitchen Knives → Unlimited Santoku Knives (new!)

Attack Resistance 1 (new!)

Stat Ailment Resistance 1 (new!)

Equipment:

Pink Smock Dress (For Kindergarten Girls)

Kindergarten Hat (Yellow)

Rubber Shoes

Kindergarten Bag (Yellow)

Tulip-shaped Name Tag

“The bandit leader was overjoyed. “Y- You’re so cute, young lady. Let’s have some good time with Uncle later, okay?”, or so he said with a lustful look in his eyes……”

[He really is a pervert~~~~!!!]

Incidentally, along with my shout of “pervert”, a shriek rang out in a certain room of the apartment———— “Shou-chan, you’re straddling toward Kyuu-chan again…… You pervert!!!”———— It overlapped with that guy’s “pervert”, turning into a strange harmony.

[Run away~~! That guy’s seriously dangerous. Run away, Mary-san!!!]

That thing is seriously no laughing matter at all, oi!

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. I was called by the bandit leader, so I’m getting out of the jail……”

[GYAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! POLICEMAN, THAT WAY! IT’S HIM!!!]

I called 110 in a hurry right after Mary-san’s call got disconnected, but I was treated as a prank caller and got scolded instead.

(T/N: 110 is Japan’s 911)

They don’t understand! This is why the city’s police are so———-!!

And thus, after an hour of agonizingly waiting————

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. I’m in a three-way battlefield between bandits, Goblins and Adventurers……”

[What’s going on!? Hey, I can’t keep up with the sudden development since a while ago!]

I calmed myself and listened to her story. After her earlier call, on the way to the bandit leader’s room, a group of Adventurers, seeking a reward for defeating the bandits, ambushed the hideout and engaged in a back-and-forth battle with the bandits, who obviously fought back———— Around that time, a group of Goblins led by the Goblin King, probably from the same tribe to which the Goblins and Goblin Mage that Mary-san had killed had belonged, attacked.

Well, since Mary-san didn’t wash off the Goblin’s blood and all the other stuff on her body, wild animals can easily track her down.

Because of that, it seems that they are now in the middle of a three-way battle.

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. What do you think I should do? For the time being, I guess I should just kill them all……?”

Why the heck are you so shortsighted, fake kindergartener!? You must be one of the dumbest kids in history, oi!

Heck, even in manga and novels, I’ve never heard of a kindergartener with santoku knives in both hands leaping into a battlefield where swords clash and magic fly about, let alone being caught up in a battle and somehow ending up becoming an unparalleled warrior (Mary-san could probably done that though), and even readers of a certain fanfiction site that loves cheat heroes and OP self-inserts would pass up from this story, treating it as some sort of landmine.

[……For the time being, you should sort out which ones are enemies and which ones are allies. First of all, the bandits are enemies. That Goblin horde are also enemies. As for those Adventurers who seemed to be in the middle of Subjugation Quest…… Well, I think you should think of them as neutral for now. Even though I have complicated feelings about them, I guess the captive villagers are also neutral.]

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. Then, I should kill all of the bandits and the Goblin horde……?”

[No, no! You should first help the villagers and have them cause chaos, and in the midst of that chaos, you can attack the bandits from behind and do a pincer attack with the Adventurers. Then, in cooperation with the Adventurers, you should intercept the Goblin horde that was in the hideout and defeat or repel them.]

I told her about the impromptu plan I had come up with.

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. I understand. First are the bandits, then the Goblins……”

[Unnn, that’s right.]

“Then, I’ll go ahead and take the head of the bandit leader and the head of the Goblin King……”

With the sound of kitchen knives crossing with each other, the call with Mary-san was cut off.

That last sound of kitchen knives was probably the sound of two santoku knives, summoned by her Skill: “Unlimited Kitchen Knives”, which can create a kitchen knife in each hand every 30 minutes.

[That’s not what I said!!!]

Hearing the reply of the brainless water flea Mary-san, I couldn’t help rolling around in my room with my phone to my ear.

Then, 30 minutes later———–

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. As instructed, I took the head of the bandit leader and the Goblin King, but their minions ran away and scattered. Now, the Adventurers are splitting up to chase after them……”

And she freaking succeeded!!!

I mean, how did she even do that!? What kind of cheat or secret techniques did the Lv 2 Mary-san use to single-handedly kill the leader of a bandit gang in the midst of a murderous frenzy!!!?

No matter how I think about it, the enemy should be several levels higher than her, right? That doesn’t sound like one of them awakening events in one of those shonen mangas…… nor does it feel like one of those swindling battles using your intellect like in Liar G*me.

In that case, how the heck did she do that!?

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. I just walked to the bandit leader with my knife at the ready……”

A young girl dressed as a kindergartener traverses the blood- and rage-filled battlefield with a knife at the ready…… Unnn, seeing such a scene would either make you stunned or question your sanity.

“Then, the bandit leader looked at me in anguish and shouted “Uuuuuu…… Ooooohhhh!!! No good! I will not let anyone touch the young girl! You lot are not to harm her either! Young girls are meant to be loved!!!” to his subordinates……”

Bandit leader…… You’re a gentleman. You’re so manly.

I cheered for the bandit leader I haven’t even seen before in my mind.

“That’s why, Mary-san easily stabbed him……”

[You fiend————!!!]

“Hello, it’s Mary-san. The battle may have been vain, but this is a world where the strong feeds on the weak, and you can’t be so naive as to spout your humanism in the face of battle……”

[You’re right. Especially with the current circumstances, you especially have to be vain about it!]

Mary-san sounds like she’s talking about something meaningful, but there’s not a shred of remorse in her tone, and what she’s doing is unscrupulous.

“Thanks to that, my level has increased and Mary-san is happy. Dealing with the rest is easy. Even though he’s called Goblin King, he’s just a big Goblin……”

Well, in the end, they’re just the leader of a tribe of Goblins, early mobs you beat in the early game.

Exhausted from all that happened, I turned the TV on out of habit……

[————-Ah, the Prime Minister resigned.]

———and just watched the unimportant breaking news.