Chapter 287: Show Before Tell

Chapter 287: Show Before Tell

The Pope was sitting on his throne, leaning a little to the side so that his elbow rested on one of the ornately carved armrests. Close up, it was obvious his luscious blond locks were a wig, and that he had a lot of makeup on.

Youre American? I asked him. Youre the one who came here with Peter and Zarigold?

The Pope pursed his lip as he looked me over. It was nothing I wasnt used to. People judged me all the time, trying to work out how the hell I was still alive when so many better people werent.

Thats right. Rupert Haines. Nice to meet you. His non-theatrical voice was quite high and nasally.

And Tupor Haisman? I was curious about the name change. Why bother?

Just a stage name. More fitting of the setting, I thought. Never liked Rupert. Lacks a punch. Not so unusual, really. I mean, you dont think Zarigolds her real name, do you. His eyebrows climbed up his face like hed revealed some scurrilous gossip.

We were getting on very well. Most people I met were much more eager to lock me up or stab me with something sharp. Rupert was a bit chatty, but generally quite pleasant.

To tell you the truth, he said, leaning forward, Im glad youre here. Not often anyone said that to me. I leaned forward, too. We were buddies now. Im rather hoping youll take the girls off my hands. Nothing against them, you understand, but they can be very demanding. He leaned closer still, and dropped his voice even more. Especially the bossy one.

Claire? Like I needed to ask.

Thats right. He nodded vigorously, delighted to have found someone to have a moan with. He leaned the other way to look around me, checking the others were still out of earshot. That girl could talk the hind legs off a giant centipede, and they have several hind legs.

Why did you agree to help them? I mean, I have to, but you?

Haha, I like you. This is so much more civilised, isnt it? No screaming, no pleading no threats. He pulled a face that made it clear he was referring to threats of a very personal nature. So, youll be taking over, will you?

While I had no issue with his presumptive and mildly sexist understanding of my role, I didnt want to put myself forward as some kind of can-do guy who would sort everything out. Judging from how he talked about the girlsespecially ClaireI got the sense theyd bullied him into helping. I empathised. I didnt, however, want to tag in and take his place.

First, I just need to get a few things straight, I said. Ive been left out of the loop. Not really sure what the girls have been up to.

Rupert gave me an understanding look. We were really getting into a nice exchange of sympathies. Our appreciation of the others difficult situation made us both want the best for each other. It wasnt how boss battles usually went.

Well, you see, said Rupert, Im not really one for fighting and killing. The whole things terrible for my indigestion. Always been attracted to the stage, though. Put on a show, put smiles on facesthats the ticket. My family was in Vaudeville, dont you know? I was quite the hoofer in my youth. His eyes glazed over as a distant memory flitted across his mind. He snapped out of it. And then I was brought here. Jarring, to say the least. Still, we make the best of the hand were dealt, right?

I nodded. I didnt particularly want to hear his life story. You might think thered be a lot to learn. Who would know more about this place than someone whod been here for a hundred years?

Not really the point. The more information that exists, the more crap you have to sift through before you find anything useful. Itd be like the internet without Google, and then what would you be left with? Bing. A sobering thought, indeed.

The question is, where do you start?

I tell you, said Rupert, not needing an invitation to wax lyrical, Id rather not upset any apple carts. Its been going very well recently. Packed out shows. Wonderful crowds, really knowledgeable. Its nice to be appreciated by people who understand what youre trying to do, isnt it?

I felt like saying, I wouldnt fucking know, mate, but he was already doing enough whining for the both of us.

And now theres all this talk of war and monsters on the rampage. Itll play havoc with the bookings. He had another peek at the girls. Claire and Flossie were trying to hug their men back into the grave. Jenny had her back to us, pretending she wasnt listening. I really dont want to be involved.

He reminded me a lot of Raviva and the trolls. They would get on famously. Sold out shows right to the end of the season.

I nodded sympathetically. You could have said no, I suggested. Told the girls you werent interested.

My dear boy, I would have loved to. Loved to! But Im such a sucker for a tug on the old heartstrings. You should have heard the story they told about loves lost and desperate yearnings. And when the little one burst into tears, well, Im not made of stone. My heart melted and I agreed to do what I could.

I bet you regret that now, I said.

Boy, do I He grinned at me. Dont tell them I said that. A promise is a promise. He sighed wistfully.

But havent you lived up to your word? They looked ready to take on anyone. You did that, didnt you? Made them better at using their abilities?

Yes, yes, but its nowhere close to being enough. Nowhere close. Theyre very resistant to being told what to do, you know?

Oh, I know. We shared another conspiratorial chuckle. Nothing bonds two guys like talking shit about girls. Women think we do it because were oppressive bullies who dont want to let females free of our patriarchal control, which may have some truth to it, but more to the point, its a lot of fun to slag people off.

I thought Id help out, show them a few moves, some exercises they could do at home, and then theyd say, thank you very much, Mr Haines, we wont take up any more of your time, and off theyd go. But no. One thing led to another, and here we are in a battling arena, knocking peoples heads off.

What are you doing? I said to her as she began stripping off.

Were going to have sex, arent we?

No.

She stopped with her top half-on and half-off. Why not?

I want you to tell me exactly what happened that first night when you and the other two disappeared. How did we die? How did we come back? And why are you shaking those at me?

Jenny stopped shaking them at me. I can tell you everything after we have sex.

We dont have time for this. I need to know what happened so I know what Im supposed to ask Rupert about. And dont hold anything back. Even if you think it would be better for me not to know, tell me anyway.

Oh, I wont hold anything back, said Jenny while licking her lips, which is quite hard to do without mumbling, so hats off to her.

Dont talk like that, youll bite your tongue. And stop rubbing yourself. If youre cold, put your top back on.

We havent seen each other in days. You really dont want to have sex with me?

No.

Jennys face fell into abject disappointment.

I realise the popular response at this point will be, okay, its a fantasy world with ogres and dragons, but even a fantasy world has its limits. Surely any girl would be delighted to learn she wouldnt be getting knobbed by yours truly. Jumping for joy, even. Well, I dont have time to explain why this particular entirely rational woman (not often you see those three words next to each other) would regret missing out on my D. If you want proof this was what in fact happened, I refer you to the highly-regarded scientific paper on the subject by renown expert Professor Gof Uckyourself.

Some boys would be happy to see a naked girl on a bed, she said with the clear implication that my manhood was in question. Im not sure what effect she expected that to have on me. My manhoods always been in question, and that question is usually: What the fuck is that?

Im always happy to see you naked, Jenny. Its in my top three things to see.

Is it number one?

No. Im not an animal. Theres more to life than body bits. I was totally lying, it was easily number one. Also number two, from a certain angle. Now tell me what happened that night.

Okay, but I dont want you to keep interrupting to tell me what we did wrong and what we should have done instead.

I wont do that. Mainly because who can be bothered?

And I dont want you to think it, either.

That was a rather more difficult promise to make. Okay. Well, more difficult to make and keep.

Jenny took a breath. I woke up when I felt you dying. Do you know what it feels like when someone you love dies? I knew exactly what that was like, but I didnt want to interrupt. I screamed and tried to wake you, but I knew I couldnt. And he was standing there. Her face crumpled up.

Joshaya?

Yes. Joshaya. And I didnt know what to do. I could feel Flossie and Claire begin to panic.

Why didnt he kill the three of you?

Do you want to hear what happened or not? Now she had the power, and she knew it. Well?

Go ahead.

Okay, then. First, kiss me.

Jenny, we already

Itll be much quicker if you just give me what I want.

It was inappropriate, aggressive and, frankly, sordid to force me to gratify her at a time like this. She probably thought once I started, I wouldnt be able to stop, too overcome by base desires to give a shit about gods and wizards battling for world domination. She knew me well.