Chapter 191: This is Not Enough
What you’ve gained after a loss.
How people feel.
I regret that I didn’t tell them, so I want to tell them now, and I strengthen my resolve because I don’t want to lose them again.
They realize how precious it is again and repeat it.
However, there are some people who look at other people’s reactions, compare themselves, and lose their center.
Which one am I?
It’s late, and the bluish moonlight illuminates a corner of the infirmary.
“How long will you stay there?”
Zetto asked.
“Miss Kaen.”
I peeked out of the window, unable to enter the room.
There was no escaping Zetto’s senses.
I hadn’t made a single breath, but he’d been aware of my presence long before.
“How long have you known?”
“Well, Ms. Kaen’s body language can mean a lot of things, so it’s easy to recognize.”
“...”
“Aren’t you going to come in?”
“I’m comfortable here.”
This is my place, I thought.
A lot of thoughts went through my head as I processed my feelings and the reactions of others.
No tears came to my eyes.
It wasn’t anything to be sad about because he was alive again, breathing again, even if for the most ridiculous of miraculous reasons.
I was satisfied that he was alive.
I couldn’t help but cry in his arms as I thanked him for bringing me back to normal and told me he was sorry.
But it also felt foreign.
It was strange that I couldn’t cry normally.
I wondered if I was emotionless.
Was I too calculating?
Maybe the bond I’d built with him was shallow.
Whatever the reason, I knew one thing for sure: I had been left behind.
So I figured my place was here.
Not next to him.
Not by his side.
Just enough to spy on him from a distance.
That was good enough for me.
I hadn’t even tried to approach him but now I realize that I should have known better.
I would never be able to replace the people who had bonded with him before me, the people who had created stories.
It was a conclusion I reached after cold, hard calculations.
This was not a defeat, it was my victory.
In any case, he’s back, and I can stand here again so I have no complaints.
“...By the way, wasn’t the infirmary on the second floor?”
“I can stand if I step on a gap in the wall.”
Then I hear the rustling of the blankets on Zetto’s bed.
His feet touched the ground and he was coming toward me.
Soon, Zetto is standing with his hands on the window sill, and he opens his mouth.
“It sounds like you’re going to be uncomfortable.”
“...It’s not uncomfortable.”
Zetto, who had been scratching his head at my answer, suddenly stood on the window sill.
“It’s dangerous...!”
Undeterred by my shouts, Zetto ended up sitting on the window sill with his legs dangling out the window and pushed the less open window aside.
Then he made a spot next to himself and patted it.
As if to say sit down.
As if that was my place.
As he tapped on the window sill, Zetto was clearly saying.
“And this...you left it behind. I recognized it because it was a touch I remembered. This ring belongs to Ms. Kaen, right?”
On the ring finger of Zetto’s right hand is the ring I had given him in his honor.
It was also the ring he had given me before.
Well, it was a ring that didn’t mean much, just a reward for killing a blood mage.
“Uhm...Can you help me with this?”
He didn’t need it now that he was back so he was struggling to pull the ring off, now that he only had one hand left.
I swallowed my bitterness at the sight and helped him remove the ring.
“Haha, I’m not used to it yet...Thanks.”
With that, the ring was out of Zetto’s hand, and his hand that was holding it went to my left hand.
“I’ll give it back to you, it’s Miss Kaen’s ring.”
“So, I think you’ve got the wrong finger...”
But the ring was on the ring finger of my left hand.
Rings have different meanings depending on the finger they are worn on.
Among them, the ring on the ring finger of the left hand... This was significant, to say the least.
Zetto tilted his head at my bewildered words.
“Is something wrong? I can’t see anything, so I don’t know.”
Zetto smiled, a wry, knowing smile.
There was no way he didn’t know.
There was no mistaking it.
“......”
I looked down at the ring.
It wasn’t encrusted with expensive gems, but I couldn’t think of anything more valuable, anything more precious to me.
Then Zetto’s voice rang in my ears.
“Is Miss Kaen happy now?”
“...I think so.”
“It’s hard to tell?”
“...I’m not sure either.”
“Then how do you think Ms. Kaen, who has lived a simple life, can be happy? What desires make you happy?”
In the middle of this conversation, I suddenly remembered what I had heard from Kaliman.
‘Have you told him how you feel...?’
I did but it wasn’t the same.
The Zetto in front of me now was breathing, the sign of a living, breathing person.
“...”
He waited for my answer.
“I don’t know. Desire...”
I wondered what my desire was.
What is my true desire, outside of reality, outside the realm of calculation?
What could I do to be happier?
At that moment, I see Zetto’s moist lips on mine.
Even in moments like this, my desires are so simple and honest.
The corners of my mouth twitched upward as I realized how trivial and funny it was.
I told him my true feelings.
I told him what I hadn’t been able to tell him.
“To kiss Cadet Zetto... that’s a desire.”
I was greedy.
Of course, it’s just a very personal desire, so even if it’s not accepted, just by telling him my heart...
“...”
Without another word, Zetto leaned in and kissed me.
“Are you... happy?”
Zetto asked.
“No...”
I was so happy, I felt like I could hardly breathe.
“...It’s not enough.”
I kissed him again.
The kiss was long and deep as if the world had stopped.