CH 4

“Why did you come here? Do you not even remember what you said? I went away as you wished, but then why did you come to such a hideous place?”

Hearing her words full of hostility that she couldn’t hide, I realized that I had committed a really big mistake.

And her hostility aroused a sense of guilt in me that was incomparable to the hostility I had faced on reaching this drawing room.

I knew Adilun was a more soft-hearted person than anyone else.

The image of her sacrificing herself even to save those who hated and rejected her was deep inside my heart, I already have a big empathy and respect for her, so for me, she was the image of a merciful saintess.

When I listened to how Adilun spoke with such hurt, sorrow, and anger that she couldn’t hide, I knew that what I said to her was not simple words for her, they damaged her pride and inner self.

“……”

I stared at her silently, and after that, I immediately fell to my knees.

Forgiveness is not simply verbal, you can't get forgiveness always with words and for me, it's a like a law that must be accompanied by the right action. Crushing someone who has been hurt simply to show off one’s ego wasn’t the thing I was after.

So I knelt down, and I saw Adilun with a puzzled look on her face, maybe she was surprised to me see me like this so she began to open her mouth as if she was at a loss for words.

Seeing her like that I spoke to her to break the silence.

“Sorry.”

But the only word that came out of my mouth was that and I also did not think that she would accept this heartfelt apology. 

A relationship that goes wrong with a word can last for decades, But, what I want now is for her to find some comfort in her heart through this apology.

“For the abusive language and rude behavior towards the princess. I am on my knees right now and apologize. I know I was in wrong and I'm ready to accept any punishment you give me.”

Could it be that my extremely polite attitude worked for her? because her expression softened for a moment, but she tried to tell me with an angry look on her face.

“How can I believe that? If you’re acting like this because of an arranged marriage or your family pressure, if that's the case then quit right away. Because I have no intention of forgiving you.”

“Yes, Do not forgive me.”

“…Yeah?”

“I did not come here to ask for forgiveness. I just came to apologize for the mistakes I made. forgiving me or not is entirely the freedom of the princess.”

I raised my head and spoke in a calm voice to her. Even if I was kicked out of the family, it didn’t matter. Living alone wasn’t such a big deal to me anyway, since I was aware of the memories of my previous life.

With sincerity, I looked into her golden and sharp reptilian eyes. Eyes that instill fear in the viewer. However, I have no doubt that those are the eyes of a person who is more affectionate and kind than anyone else.

Adilun’s eyes were full of bewilderment and confusion. But she tried to look away from me and said.

“Go back. I don’t want to hear your story or any excuse anymore!!”

Adilun called Sara, who was waiting outside the drawing room.

“Yes, my lady.”

“Please drag him out.”

A frost-like sentence fell upon me.

* * *

Immediately, I was kicked out of Caltix Castle by soldiers who looked happy.

dhudum!

The castle gate was firmly closed.

“Now this is embarrassing…”

The chilly cold kept pounding my body, and on top of that I have a very weak body, so if I stay a little longer, I’ll be in a dangerous state.

I was gazing at the gates of Caltix Castle while shivering from the cold. What should I do? How can I change her mind?

The worry didn’t last long.

I knelt down slowly in front of the castle gate. As I’m on my knees like that, everything I’ve done up until now ran through my head.

For the past 20 years, I have not been able to attach affection to anyone. I quarreled with everyone I met, and curse words and harsh words always came out of my mouth.

It was the same with people who were kind to me.

I was a deficient person from birth, And that deficiency was met by the absurdity of my awareness of my past life, and I was able to realize that everything I had done was wrong.

However, no one will believe me when I realize all of that. It is already too late for the mistakes that have been made.

People do not change easily, and there is no one who easily believes in the words of reformation by a person whom his whole life was rude and bad to everyone. 

But now I have come this far to undo my current mistakes, so I have to act. I have to apologize to others I have hurt, and I have to repent of my past actions.

I have no intention of denying the 20 years I have lived. At the time, I have taken everything for granted, However, I had no intention of living like that in the future.

Everyone needed something valuable to survive, something they can work on or be proud of, and for me, I’ve been thinking of the wrong things as valuable; My pride, and my selfishness.

In other words, for everyone, I was a piece of excessive narcissism.

I abandon the values I have cherished so far and engrave new values within myself. I remove a part of the narcissism that engulfed me.

I won’t be able to do good to everyone like I did in my previous life. The traces of the 20 years I’ve lived will reject the good I give indiscriminately.

However, at least I will be able to do it to the extent of limiting the range to those who are important to me.

As the feeling of rebellion rises within me, ugly selfishness and greed hover within me too, because only I struggle to live for myself.

So I forcibly pressed them down and took that selfishness out of me.

I engrave the values I have lived in my previous life, and I think of the little child who watched over me at the end of my life.

I ruminate on the story of Adilun’s struggle against all sorts of hardships and adversity, she was someone I admire, a kind dragon who did not give in to bitter hatred and pain and eventually saved even those who hated her.

A blizzard pours down, and the cold strikes me as I contemplate my inner self, but I was vehemently ignored. I couldn’t give up on this process now.

My hands and feet freeze and snow begins to cover my body. Gradually, the exhaled lungs begin to freeze.

However, my mind was strangely clear. I kept my eyes open and continued my fight with myself.

* * *

A report came in from the soldier who kicked Physis out of the gate.

Even though he was kicked out, he didn’t leave, and he was staring at the castle gate on his knees in this severe winter.

So I climbed the castle and looked down at the citadel.

And I saw the look of a disgusting man.

He is a man who has spent his whole life in the warm East. I don’t think he has the slightest resistance to the cold.

When he can’t stand it, he’ll shake his butt and go back to his estate.

I have endured enough, A year was a time when I have no choice but to get to know people even if I don’t like them.

He was rude, selfish, and disgusting. Because he instilled disgust in me, who had never hated anyone before.

I turned my head. I didn’t even want to see him.

And I told Sarah. The moment that person returns to the territory, send the request for a breaking of the engagement.

Sarah told me that she would do that.

* * *

My mind was clear and It was strange.

Even though my body was clearly not able to withstand this blizzard, my mind, strangely enough, was looking straight at myself.

Each strand of my hair was frozen, and my hands and feet had no sense of frostbite. Even though it wouldn’t be strange to freeze to death right away, I continued to relieve the narcissism inside me.

How much time has passed? Finally, the selfishness and greed within me began to give in. I could clearly feel that my selfishness was shrinking its territory.

Finally, the howling within me stopped. The terrible selfishness had disappeared, and the flames of greed that had engulfed the inner world were quenched.

When I’ve done all of that. My physical condition was not good.

The sound of the blizzard that seemed to tear the eardrums stopped. The smell of winter that came through my nose disappeared before I knew it. My vision gradually grew farther and farther, and I couldn’t even tell what was in front of me.

My tongue froze and I couldn’t even make a sound.

My mind, which had been strangely clear, began to blur.

I felt a sensation I had never felt before.

Death.

It was a particularly fragile body. The body, which had no tolerance for the cold, could not survive the fierce winter.

As I was dying like that, someone approached me.

My senses were dead and I couldn’t feel anything, but I could tell that someone was strangely approaching me.

I felt like I could figure out who that person was.

Adilun, it must be you.

A gentle, noble dragon. Are you unable to pass even the rogue boat that hurt you?

With the last of those thoughts, I lost my mind.

* * *

A night that was overshadowed by darkness. I heard a knock on my room door.

“Miss.”

It was Sarah, the maid.

“What happened?”

“Would you like to come out for a while?”

“Out why? What the hell is going on… ”

Following her guidance, I was astonished as I climbed to the top of Caltix Castle.

Physis, he was there.

With his whole body frozen, it wouldn’t be strange if he died right away. his black hair had turned white from the accumulated snow, but his kneeling posture was still the same.

The weather today was terribly cold, even for the people of Rodenov who are accustomed to winter. If I had been on my knees in one place for at least ten hours in such weather with a blizzard… I may have already died

he must not die No matter how repulsive he is, he is definitely Ortaire’s second son.

If he dies in a place like this, it will create an irreversible river between Ortaire and us, who must form an alliance.

And that would be a great thing for the central nobility.

“Open the castle gate.”

“Yeah?”

“Quickly!”

I exclaimed urgently.

As soon as the gates opened, I quickly approached him. Like a foolish person!

I slowly approached him and checked his body. His face was pale, and snow covered his neck. Is that all? The hand was already discolored black, they were in such a dangerous state that it would have to be cut off if not treated quickly. I can’t see it, but his feet are probably in the same state.

The fortunate thing is that he is still alive.

The soldiers followed me, and I quickly instructed them to move Physis.

I tried to lie him down on the bed, but I couldn’t, his body was so stiff that I couldn’t even lay him on the bed.

I urgently cast a spell to warm his body to change his posture even a little bit.

As soon as he lay down on the bed, I did my best to deploy my healing magic to the fullest, It removed the cold air remaining in the body and helped the activities of the organs that were on the verge of stopping.

The fortunate thing was that he had a strong will to live, Even though it would not be strange if he died right away, he was alive and not dead.

To the extent that it can be called a miracle.

Why are you even doing this? You should have just ignored me and gone back as usual.

And if you had quietly accepted the divorce request, you wouldn’t have had to suffer like this.

Is it because of an arranged marriage? To avoid breakup? It didn’t seem like anything at all.

The man I saw was a thoroughly selfish man, to the point he can’t find the slightest consideration for others.

Rather, I couldn’t understand why a man who seemed to want to break up his marriage more than anyone else acted like this.

Such a complex thought caught me, and I ended up staying up all night with a confused mind.