CH 30

[Yamamoto's POV]

It was after 6:00 and the area in front of Fatty Train Station was very crowded. Coming here reminds me of the day I first met him as Miina Yamamoto. I contacted him using the back account and he came to me with a puzzled look on his face. It's still in the back of my mind as if it was yesterday. 

Trimaru, a national chain izakaya. It was lunch time when I came with him, but it was crowded at that time of the day. It seems to be more popular than other places because it's a private room only. I'm glad it was empty. 

From the other side of the partition, I could hear the voices of men who were beginning to get louder. Hearing that kind of thing makes me get worked up, too. 

I heard two taps on the closed door of the private room. When I answered, the waitress peeked out. 

"Oh, thanks for your help." 

"You're late. Mooooo." 

I'm sure he's on time. It was a good accusation. 

He sat down across from me as the waitress urged him to do so. I let out a sigh of exhaustion. 

"It's Saturday, and you're working hard." 

"I really wish you wouldn't do that. I really wish you wouldn't have to work on your day off." 

He was at work when I called. As I said, he was working on his day off. So I interrupted him, but he was getting tired of the pity of working on his day off, and he immediately took me up on my offer. I was surprised, though. 

Our gazes meet as he kneads a hand towel in front of my face. 

"What do you want to drink?" 

"Uh, let's see...... I'll have oolong tea." 

I wondered what he was holding back. I asked him with a bit of a bite. 

"You don't mind if it's not alcohol?" 

"......I thought I'd take a day off from drinking today." 

"Hm......." 

I opened the alcohol menu as if to show it to him as he made that excuse. I'm sorry Kanako, but I really want to drink alcohol right now. 

I know I won't be able to think calmly, but for now. Just for now. 

"I'll have a beer." 

"Ho, are you serious?" 

Sure enough, he came to stop me. I'm pissed. 

......Well, I did it once in front of him, so it can't be helped. 

"Yeah. No?" 

"No, not no, but......." 

"Let's have a drink, Araki-san." 

I don't know if it's a day off or if he was just being considerate, but as for me, I want to have a drink with him. I don't want to be the only one drunk. I want him to be happy and smiling. 

"......That look on your face is not fair." 

I don't have that weird look on my face. But he wasn't making fun of me, so I'm kind of glad. 

"Ehehe. Two beers." 

"Okay, okay. I'll order food as I please." 

He operates his tablet with a familiar hand. He finds a few foods that go well with beer, such as fried chicken and kimchi, and places an order. 

"Well, what were you doing, Yamamoto-san?" 

The question is plausible. I merely asked if I could see him now, without knowing what he was doing. 

"......Um, you know." 

"Yeah?"

As I was about to explain the situation, the door to the private room opened. A female waitress brought me a beer and an appetizer. I quickly swallowed my words and waited for her to leave. 

The medium mug of beer placed in front of me seemed to have been frozen and was stained white. The peculiar golden color seems to sparkle and it looks so delicious. 

"Anyway, let's have a toast." 

"Yes." 

I hold the bottle in my hand, and the cold air flows into my body. My fingertips feel cool and sore, but my chest is warm and fluffy. I feel like I'm going to catch a cold from the difference in temperature. 

"Thanks for your hard work. Cheers." 

"Cheers."

I touch him with a clank. The heat is so intense that the frozen mug melts. The golden color flows into my body as I let the emotions transmitted through my fingertips wash over me. 

I have become accustomed to the peculiar bitterness. The first time I drank it after I turned 18, I thought it was undrinkable. Humans are strange creatures, aren't we? 

I was surprised at how much he drank. It's hard to believe that this is a person who said he was taking a day off from drinking. It was funny, and I couldn't help but giggle. 

"So, what was the rest of what you just said?" 

He asks, looking a little miffed. He wasn't really angry, he was just making fun of me. I knew that, so there was no need to cover up my overflowing emotions. 

"--I'm freaking out again." 

"Why?" His voice was gentler than I had expected. 

"I was actually going to sign the contract today. But, you know, that......." 

I didn't have to say more than that, but he got the message. Because this man has been watching me, all my life, since I quit being an idol. 

I shift my gaze slightly and see that his beer is already more than half gone. I still have some left. It's kind of frustrating. 

"I think it's also courage to stop when you get scared." 

His words smelled so good. A strange sensation. I felt like scales had fallen from my eyes. 

"Courage......" 

"Yes. It's important to run, but it's also important to stop and be calm." 

He laughs as he says, "I'm just passing it on to you," but it is so clear to me now that I can feel it in my heart. It's not something I'm just taking from him, but his words are soaking into my heart easily. 

I was genuinely impressed that there is a way of thinking that doesn't consider being afraid as a negative thing. Perhaps embarrassed, he picked up his mug of beer and downed the last of it in one gulp. 

"Why did you get scared?" 

He questioned as he ordered a second beer on his tablet. Then he thought back to what he had just said. Kanako told me to "be prepared." 

"I think I was...... looking for a way out somewhere in my heart." 

"Yeah." 

"I felt like I was being confronted with the reality that it was going to be cut off." 

There is no mistaking what Kanako says. There is no guarantee that I will not repeat what I did once I ran away. 

So even as a nail in the coffin, those words were right. I probably would have said that even if I were in the same position. 

I really am weak. A heart so thin and broken that it seems to disappear in the hustle and bustle of the world around me. 

"No matter." 

He doesn't deny me that. 

I had it in the back of my mind that he would do that, which is why I called him out like this even now. I feel a little empty because I can only feel his air with my eyes downcast because I feel like I'm going to get drunk all at once if I make eye contact with him. 

"Slow down and go at your own pace, rather than running and crashing and dying. Even if you stop. I think that would be better suited for Yamamoto-san." 

He say a little shyly as I drink the second beer that has been brought to me. I wanted to look into his eyes with my will, but only then did he avert his gaze. I miss it. 

Why did he turn my head that way? Is it because you are embarrassed? Is it because, like me, you get drunk too quickly? I think about it a lot, feel embarrassed by myself, and eventually put my mouth on the golden color again. 

It's bitter, yet very sweet. 

It's a very strange sensation, and it makes you want to let the bubbles that have completely disappeared take over. 

"As a fan, I agree." 

Even that bubble doesn't scoop up my heart. My mind just goes with the wave and tries to make sense of these feelings that are wavering. 

Why am I so sad? Why does my heart ache so...... much when I am being bombarded with his kind words? The golden color only stares at me and doesn't even pull up my true feelings. 

I felt a numbing sensation in the back of my throat as I poured it down my throat. He is right in front of me and he doesn't even try to smoke. I like that smell so much, but he must be paying attention to me again. 

"Well, what the hell. You can run away if it gets too hard. I'll listen to you too. Of course, you can complain as much as you want." 

A thought occurred to me. If it hadn't been him who had taken my picture, what would I be doing now? 

I know that's a wild guess. I was connected to his account through a back account, and I knew him one way or another. I knew that he lived in Tokyo and that he was a working person. And - that he would be coming to the Fukuoka concert. 

So, I made it look spur-of-the-moment, but it was actually very well planned. If I just took advantage of him and his guilt crushed my heart, I have no right to complain. 

And yet, I wonder if I should be so blessed. 

He was kind to me after I got him involved, and Natsunako told me she would wait for me. If it were me alone, I would have been unable to do anything. She gave a second chance to someone who had thrown away her own chance. 

"When coincidences accumulate, people call it fate." 

He suddenly said something so racy that my mouth just relaxed. 

"Hmph. What's up with you all of a sudden?" 

"Because I felt like you were thinking negatively." 

"Me?" 

"Yeah. I know what you mean." 

Then why did he say those words? I don't know. But I'm sure it was his kindness. It was more than enough to blow away all the thoughts that I couldn't help but think about here. 

"Anyway, that's just another word from some philosopher, isn't it?" 

My twisted words, my emotions, my facial expressions. I felt like he would swallow all of it. 

Every time his larynx moved up and down, my heart beat. 

"No. Original." 

Really, you're a funny guy. 

But I'm very happy.