CH 46

(This is Makoto’s POV)

A day before killing Mai. I headed to the amusement park with Mai. Because I wanted to see the lively Mai properly for the last time. I had various choices such as an aquarium inside the zoo, but I chose the park because the ticket showed a picture that emphasized a space for a couple… or so I thought. Please read this at ChocoCats.

“It’s been a long time since I ride on the bus with Onii-chan, isn’t it?”

“Seems so.”

We got on the bus that went to the amusement park and sat at the back. Mai sat by the window, and I sat beside her. This way, Mai won’t be able to get off the bus unless I move.

“Back then when we go to cram school and middle school, we walk, and now you take the train to high school, right? Even if you have somewhere to go, you take the train. So taking the bus once in a while is refreshing, isn’t it?”

“Yea.”

I vaguely nodded at Mai’s words. I loosened the grip of our hands, which I had been holding since we left, and began to intertwine our fingers. Mai immediately noticed that I had changed the way we were holding hands.

“Onii-chan?”

“Hmm?”

“…No, it was nothing…”

As I stared at her, Mai hesitantly intertwined her fingers with mine. I noticed that my heart rate changed just by that, and I quietly chuckled.

“W-why are you laughing?”

“Maybe because the weather is nice?”

“No, definitely not that, right?”

Mai approached me suspiciously. I could even kiss her if I held her face.

But I just lightly brushed the hair supporting the back of her head. Mai laughed as if tickled, then playfully bumped her head against mine.

Cumulonimbus clouds floated in the sky, and it was comfortable without strong sunlight. It felt like the day when I went home with Mai last year. I wanted to go back to that time. I wanted to redo it so that she would fall in love with me.

Or maybe it would be better if this moment could last forever.

If the bus could just crash somewhere and we could die together without destroying Mai’s heart, I would be able to stay with her until the end. But I don’t know if that would be a good thing. And the bus stopped in front of the amusement park without any accidents. Please read this at ChocoCats.

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Upon arriving at the amusement park, Mai appeared somewhat bewildered. Please read this at ChocoCats.

Personally, I’ve never had the conscious desire to enjoy an amusement park, and although I’ve been to one several times with Mai and her parents, I only saw it as a place where Mai would get excited, as well as her parents and the people around us, it felt like watching creatures from another world.

So I didn’t understand the feeling of enjoying an amusement park. But after a while, Mai began to enjoy the rides and started pulling my arm happily.

I didn’t find being shaken left and right, being swung back and forth, or being dropped from high places enjoyable or exciting. But watching Mai feel scared, excited, and having fun with those rides made me feel like I was having fun too.

I might teach Mai academics, but through her, I learnt about emotions.

T/N: ;w; dang Makoto is so sweet I’m melting.. I love him sm

When we study, the results were the same no matter who teaches us. But I thought that I would never learn from anyone other than Mai. If I had fallen in love with her earlier, would I have become an ordinary person?

As I dragged her into the darkness, Mai was always smiling, while occasionally looking at me with a worried expression. Although I never thought of wishing for something or wanted to gift anything before, I now wanted to fulfil her wishes.

If she had a wish, I wanted her to tell me. I would make it come true. But if she wishes for me to set her free, I would never fulfil that wish. So it would be insincere to obey. However, when I heard Mai’s laughing voice, I want to take everything she wishes and grant it.

“Mai, it’s almost time to go home, so can I decide which one to ride last?”

As the sun had set and the families with children started to leave the park, I called Mai. She looked straight at me with a determined look and said, “Okay.”

I wanted to treat her gently. I wanted to spoil her. That was what I think, but at the same time, I wanted to have her all to myself. I wanted to take her everything and indulge in it. Please read this at ChocoCats.

“Then let’s ride the Ferris wheel.”

Saying that I took Mai’s arm.

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Fortunately, there was no queue, and while having a casual conversation with Mai, we soon found ourselves at the front of the line. We probed each other’s thoughts with idle conversation, but ultimately, without taking that one last step, we boarded the gondola and sat facing each other. Mai was gazing outside without doing anything, feeling lonely, I spoke up. Please read this at ChocoCats.

“I just wanted to ride the Ferris wheel with Mai.”

“Eh…”

I had already decided from the beginning that we would ride the Ferris wheel last. In an environment where humans were crawling into crowds together, there was no other place where I could be in the same space as Mai. Mai, who had shifted her gaze from the window where the gondola quietly rose, looked surprised as she turned to me.

“What?”

“No, I just think it’s kind of unexpected.”

“I guess I can’t deny that.”

The gondola shook slightly. When I looked out the window, we were quite far from the ground, and I even had the illusion that we were the only two people in the world. The illuminating light, vaguely mixed with the evening glow, which I had never thought much about before, began to seem irreplaceable.

“…getting into the line to ride something that just climbs up and then down, I can’t understand it.”

Until now, I haven’t had any interest in things that are called entertainment. What attracts me was just the moment when living creatures take their last breath. A world where everything continued to be as expected, no matter what you see or hear, was nothing but pain. In that world, the only faint light was just the moment when a living creature loses its life.

Every time I saw overflowing liquid, I relaxed, and the moment when the faint breath of life stopped and fell into emptiness became my eternity.

Even so, everything changed through Mai. It had been changed. One could say it was for the best for other people. But Mai was different. Only Mai, the most important existence in the world, must be sacrificed. It would be Mai alone in an unhappy world. Even though she was the one I want to cherish the most.

“That was to enjoy such scenery…”

The passage of time feels intensely hateful. I wish tomorrow would never come. I want this moment to last forever, for time to stand still, for me to melt and become the same as Mai. As I wished for something impossible, Mai sat next to me.

“What’s wrong, Mai?”

“Nothing. The scenery here looks better than there.”

“Then, shall we switch seats?”

“No, it’s fine as it is.”

Mai gripped the handrail tightly as if she was enduring something alone, and I desperately fought the urge to reveal everything and hold her tight.

Unable to suppress my overwhelming feelings, I held Mai’s hand. I didn’t want to let go. I wished this moment could last forever. I wished time could stand still. I didn’t want to be apart from her. I  wanted to be by her side forever. Please read this at ChocoCats.

As I poured my heart out into prayer while holding her hand, Mai squeezed my hand back.

I wondered if she was returning my feelings. I was afraid I might misunderstand and thought she was willing to accept them.

This was surely the last time we would hold hands like this. Tomorrow, I would have to mourn either Mai’s heart or her life.

And it will be because of none other than my own hand.

“Mai, why do you look like you are going to cry? Are you scared?”

“Nothing, I’m not scared.”

“Really?”

“For real!”

As I asked Mai if her shaking breath was because of tears, her voice trembled faintly. Despite it being such a simple thing, my overwhelming love for her overflowed.

I didn’t want to make her cry. I love her. If it was Mai, every expression and emotion of hers were all precious.

In this world, Mai was the only one who makes me feel like there was something to look forward to in the future. I love her. Even though I love her dearly. Even though I’m so in love with her that it was unbearable, tomorrow I would have to erase Mai’s existence. I must erase her.

Even now, I wanted to kill her. I wanted to make this moment with Mai last forever. But I knew she could never accept someone like me. Even though she couldn’t accept or love me, I couldn’t change.

There was no way Mai could love someone like me, who deviated from the norm. I knew that better than anyone else.

And yet, I couldn’t stop loving her. Even though it would make us both unhappy, I love her, I love her so much that it hurts. I love her, no matter what I couldn’t help but to love her. Despite that, I have to kill her. Even though I love her dearly, I couldn’t help it. Despite my love for her, still, only when I kill her, I could have her for myself.

T/N: Dang, this part… was hard to convey. Makoto is totally contradicting himself, so that’s why he kept repeating the same sentences. He wants to love, yet wants to kill, but love, but ALSO kill, and never-ending thoughts like that happened in his head. Dang, it’s like my love-hate with Author-sama!!! TwT

“……Mai.”

Should I tell her that I love her? After all, I would lose her tomorrow anyway.

Even if I thought of that my throat only felt burned and no words came out. Mai leaned closer to the window. I wanted to hold her just like that. I wanted to touch her. I wanted to tell her I love her. But my hand only hold onto her hand, motionless. Memories of the time I spent with Mai come to my mind one after another and then disappeared. Mai’s smile, her tears, her slightly angry face, her eyes that were expecting something from me, her laughter, our memories together overflowed and just like that, the feeling of loving her didn’t stop. It won’t stop.

“Let’s come again next year! Together!”

Mai said as if mustering her strength. Such a future won’t come. I would destroy it. There would be no next year. And yet, it was painful. Was I smiling properly now? I couldn’t say “yes” even though it would be the right answer. The words won’t come out.

Even though I had lied hundreds and thousands of times before, those three letters won’t come out of my lips. Frustrated, I hold onto Mai’s hand tightly, and she did the same, making my chest feel tighter. Please read this at ChocoCats.

And so, until the end, I couldn’t affirm Mai’s words.

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T/N: Hello, Kei the translator of Desuge Imouto just fell into comma from Onii-chan’s yandereness’s overdose sorry im joking dont kill me for real

This chapter, what makes me fell in love with Makoto.. I decided to translate this novel because of this chapter, yeah, it’s weird isn’t it. I love how both Mai and Makoto wished for the same thing here (refer to chap 41, Mai’s POV of the same day), for the moment to last forever, for tomorrow never come, but their thought process also different. Makoto’s thoughts.. his craziness, his psycho way of thinking, his changing process from tedious and boring world into world full emotions because of Mai, was really conveyed well by Author-sama, and thus I fell in love.

Anyway, see you in the next chapter, and have a great day.