Chapter 247: who cut the cake?

Chapter 247: who cut the cake?

Sophie! Nat cried, sprinting across the glass floor and doing her best impression of a tackle. The Elysian attendant took the hit with barely a stagger, patting the raven-haired girl on the head.

Natalie, Ive missed you! How are you all doing?

Natalie unleashed a flood of information while Sophies eyebrows gradually climbed.

I was just stopping by Earth to thank you personally for saving my sister, Suzy. Sophie said, motioning to a familiar woman trailing behind her, looking nervous at the sheer quantity of people around them, her shoulders a bit hunched, gaze flitting around.

Huh. I thought she mightve been an Elysian Attendant, but didnt think shed be Sophies sister. Perry thought.

Whos that, Daddy? Sera whispered.

Thats Sophie. She taught your momhow to make Daddy and your other Mom happy.

Very happy.

Kind of sidestepping the point, but true.

Elysian Attendants were pure spirits from Elysium who comforted the souls of great warriors who fought for good and never lost themselves to the horrors of war. A large part of their toolkit was seduction, and they were often referred to as inverse succubi or sex angels but obviously they did a lot more than that.

In the case of Sophie, Perry summoned her with the intention of having her flip burgers at an understaffed pool-party, but shed hung around until she felt the heroic deed hed used to summon her had been repaid.

Shed felt the best way to pay it back would be to set him up with Nat, rather than any direct action on her part. Shed wound up teaching Nat a few bedroom techniques that were literally magical.

Nat had never spilled the beans on exactly what those techniques were, but Perry had a theory: He believed that Sophie had taught Natalie how to weaponize her soul smudges by using them as a test to determine how Heather or Perry would react to a specific course of action before she did it.

Which basically meant Natalie was batting 1000 for everything she ever said or did in the bedroom.

It was a tough act to follow, but damn if they didnt enjoy trying.

This is Suzie, Sophie said, motioning to her sister, who gingerly shook Nats hand.

Hi. Suzy whispered.

Nice to meet you Suzy! Are you two going to be staying with us? They were still waiting for their Elysian Attendant to show up.

I would love to spend a lifetime or two watching over you three, Sophie said mournfully, but Suzy needs a long vacation, and I need Suzy. Were going to spend a few decades on a beach on one of my private planets, then see where it goes from there. Just stopping by to say hi and thank you again for freeing Suzy.

Oh, bummer. Well, I hope you guys get the rest you need. Natalie offered.

Suzy nodded meekly.

Also! Sophie withdrew a pale blue crystal knife from her cleavage. Since I was stopping by, I was tasked with delivering this realm-piercing dagger. Its attuned to the Attendant weve chosen for you. Whenever you have need, simply split the dimensional fabric dividing us and they will answer.

Thank you. Natalie said as she took the blade.

We really do need a babysitter for Perry. Heather said, nodding. Someone to open jars for him and make sure he uses the toilet.

And someone to laugh at your jokes, Perry said, nodding along with Heather.

Its good to see you again too, Perry, Heather. I wish you two would be nicer to each other, though. Sophie said with a pout before scooping them both into a hug, forcing them into her bosom.

Nah man, this is our thing. Heather said, struggling weakly. Dont mess with our thing.

Sophie got a glint in her eyes as she stepped back and scanned the two of them appraisingly.

Dont you dare. Heather said.

I wouldnt dream of it Sophie said, unable to maintain eye contact with the fiery redhead. Anyway, congratulations on your wedding, I love all three of you, and hope to see you again soon, She said, giving a delicate curtsy before taking her sisters hand and stepping through a shimmering fold in reality.

The last Perry saw of them was Suzy waving back from the sands of a pristine golden beach with crystal-blue waves lapping gently at the shore.

Good for her. Perry said, nodding.

What kind of attendant do you think well get? Heather asked, taking the dagger and holding it covetously. Sexy pool-boy? Shirtless romance novel cover?

Probably an older magical nanny. Perry said with a shrug. Elysian Attendants didnt like making waves, so they wouldnt send anyone who might upset the delicate balance between the three of them. They also aimed to fill a need without being superfluous. The thing the three of them needed the most was help keeping an eye on the twins, not a playmate.

Plus Perry could see her waiting on the other side.

She had an older Mary Poppins vibe, and a rigid, no-nonsense stance as she waited in formal somewhat drab grey attire. She was probably thinking she would not only take care of the kids, but whip the three of them into shape and teach them how to be parents.

Elysian Attendants did what was best for you, not necessarily what you wanted.

I doubt it. Heather said.

Bet you twenty Natbucks Im right. Perry said, clasping his hands together.

Dangit, Heather said with a sigh, putting the blade in its sheath and in her purse. She knew Perry never gambled Natbucks if he wasnt sure. It was practically a guarantee.

Are you guys still doing that? Nat asked, squinting at the two of them.

No? Perry said guiltily. He couldve probably feigned complete innocence, but it was more fun to lead Nat on. Part of the dance.

Well, the national bank of Natalie is about to-

A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

Cake! Sera interrupted her mom, tugging on Nats dress while hopping up and down. Wheres the cake!?

Gareth gave a shallow nod, which was probably the most he was gonna get outta him.

Well, in your parents line of work, there are often bad guys who show up and do bad things, just to make their pathetic lives a bit more interesting.

Hey!

In this case, these two volunteered to show you guys what thats like. All you two have to do is beat them in a volleyball match.

Wait-

Theyre gonna talk a lot of shit, but thats part of the game, you understand? Theyre play-acting, and youre definitely going to beat them at Volleyball. And then there will be cake.

Yeah! Sera said, clenching a fist, totally confident.

Whats volleyball? Gareth asked, asking the important questions.

Its a game where your team hits a ball over a net to the other team. Perry said. Super simple.

There were other rules, but They really didnt need to know them for the purposes of this particular humiliation.

Fool! Do you think were playing!?

You literally kidnapped a cake. Perry said, rolling his index finger in a circular gesture, calling for the lair control centers attention.

Clear a space. Initiate game mode: Volleyball.

The surrounding spectators were gently pushed back until only a holographic net and a pattern on the floor remained.

Play, these two are gonna take it super easy on you, so relax and have fun, Perry said, pushing the twins forward.

No were not, Were going to crush you! And then well crush your parents!

Daddy Gareth said, looking back at him.

Theyre talking shit, its part of the game. Perry said, shooing them forward. Go on, go, go,go.

Were not taking off our power armor this time, and were not gonna play against

Dragors Kinesis.EXE

Perry seized control of their limbs, lungs and vocal cords through their storebought suits through sheer applied force.

Gramma let out a loud guffaw, grinning from ear to ear as she stirred her drink, Grampa Collins standing next to her, their tiff apparently forgotten.

-Losers, so you two better bring your A game! Perry forced one to say while posing the other in an uncomfortable, but dynamic pose.

No, youre losers! Sera said. You ummwet the bed!

You dont have anything better to do! Gareth said, truly cutting to the heart of the matter. There was a low oooo from the watching supers at Gareths burn.

Ack! Bro, theyre too sassy! Perry made one of his puppets say.

Well just have to beat them on the court! Perry made the other say, lifting the volleyball into view.

This seems strangely rehearsed. Heather said, frowning before glancing at Perry.

Did you arrange this? Nat asked.

You could say that, Perry said with a shrug. I guarantee you theyll have fun.

What followed was a humiliation of the highest order. Perry softened the impact on their tiny little hands, and altered the trajectory of the ball to hide his assistance as much as possible, while making the dynamic duo fail as spectacularly as possible.

To the outside observer, it would appear as if a couple adults were taking a dive to humor some children as an act of goodwill, giving them an easy first-time intro into the world of Super life.

Honestly the Dynamic Duo were gaining a decent amount of street cred for this act of goodwill.

If you were to observe the brothers heart rate, panicked breathing, and adrenaline levels

Then youd reveal the sheer terror they were experiencing at no longer being in control of their own bodies. Unable to speak their own words or perform their own actions, no amount of struggling could alter their movements to any perceivable degree.

In short, it was a living nightmare for a solid ten-minute game.

Thats our loss, Perrys puppet said, dropping to his knees in exaggerated sorrow. We are defeated!

YEAH! Sera shouted, pumping a fist. Even Gareth seemed to have enjoyed himself.

We will now reveal where we hid the cake, because we like our spines intact! The other puppet said, shortly before Perry dropped Dragors Kinesis.

The two tinkers drew shuddering breaths and straightened, casting glances at Perry.

Perry drew a finger across his neck.

Inside this invisible box! One of the brothers said, the two of them motioning to an empty space that collapsed to reveal the twenty foot cake.

WHOO! CAKE! Sera shouted.

Help yourself everyone! Perry said, raising his voice to cover the crowd.

How did those two get past security? Nat asked quietly as Supers swarmed the cake, holding the heroes of the hour on their shoulders to cut the first two slices.

Im not sure yet. Perry said, watching the two fanciful armors slink away.