Chapter 250: Condom Horse

Chapter 250: Condom Horse

***Somewhere in Wyoming***

A mourning dove flitted down to a branch and paused for a moment to scan the forest floor and nearby trees for tasty seeds.

Something was wrong. The bird didnt really have the words to describe it, but something about the forest had feltoff over the last few months. The dove had unknowingly been herded further and further west as its instincts, honed over millions of years, warned the bird that it was being hunted.

It didnt see a predatorbut something was wrong.

The dove didnt spare it any thought, though, its tiny brain instead registering delight when it spotted some fresh seeds on the ground.

When it leapt off the branch, thats when things started going poorly for the bird.

The doves feet were held in place by a sticky substance coming from the branch itself.

In panic, the dove pulled as hard as it could, but the branchs grip was simply too strong. A maw emerged from the branch and engulfed the bird.

A moment later, all that remained of the dove was a lump in the tree-branch.

But its story didnt stop there.

Over the course of a few minutes, the lump in the tree branch dwindled to nothing, then swelled again, returning to its previous size and shape. moments after it reached full size the dove burst out of the cocoon, flapping its wing in panic as it escaped from the creature that had just let it go.

Now properly terrified, the bird decided to fly until it simply couldnt anymore, find a new forest and settle down there. There was just too much scary stuff happening around here for the doves tiny brain to handle.

Best relocate.

The Dove got about five miles outside the forest before it disappeared in an explosion of feathers.

Aw, man, I dont like shooting animals. That was a dove. Kenny said, lowering his binoculars.

Thems the rules, Gary said, lowering his rifle. Shoot anything and everything coming out of those woods. This is a holy mission from Tyrannus himself.

You believe that god stuff? Kenny asked.

Can you breathe fire and fly?

Fair enough, I guess. Kenny muttered raising his binoculars and scanning for small animals that might be trying to escape the quarantine, just like the hundreds of spotters to his immediate left and right.

be right back, Imma take a dump, Gary said, raising the flag that indicated their shooter was on break.

Kenny followed him.

What are you doing? Gary asked.

Did you not hear the Acolyte explain in great detail that we werent to leave each others sight?

I mean you dont gotta Gary trailed off.

So its a divine mission when you get to shoot small animals, but not if someones gotta follow you to the bathroom? Kenny asked.

Fuck you, lets get this over with, Gary muttered as he stalked away into the bushes, Kenny close behind. The sharpshooter hooked his thumbs in his pants and prepared to pop a squat, using a nearby fallen log as an impromptu toilet seat

Dozens of tendrils whipped out of the log and lashed around Garys arms and chest.

Um. Kenny? Gary said, his voice quavering.

Oh, shit! Kenny shouted, reeling backwards.

Above them, the sky turned a vibrant shade of gold and crimson as a dome of shimmering magic settled over the forest theyd been quarantining, as well as a quarter mile beyond, trapping all the soldiers inside.

Oh. Kenny said, looking up, his heart sinking. Shit.

Then the dome began to glow, and Kenny could feel the heat building from it, like the warmth of a campfire, an oven, a forge, a raging bonfire.

You want the bad news or the good news? Kenny said to his struggling partner.

Good news, please. Gary hissed, still struggling against the tendrils digging into his skin.

Youre not gonna get eaten, Kenny said moments before the dome went white hot, vaporizing everything under it. There was an instant of pain, then nothing

Excess biomass removed from the area, Amanda the Technician said, looking a little green around the gills as they observed the dome flicker out of existence, revealing a patch of flat carbon dust where once had been a forest and several hundred loyal citizens.

Good, Tyrannus said, lowering his claws. Vaporizing such a huge swath of land was exhausting, but he would never let his subjects know he had limits. He needed to arrange a new deal with demonic entities yesterday, but so many of them were hesitant to make arrangements with someone who had wiped an entire breed of them out.

Since his deal with demons had fallen through, the road was dying. Normally hed be able to borrow its power to produce effects of this magnitude, but in order to preserve its withering life as long as he could, Tyrannus was forced to shoulder the burden manually.

If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

Ill add a note to your file that children should be introduced to the classics more often in school.

I was homeschooled. Chris said.

It shows.

***Richard Tinner***

Richard, or Rich to his friends calling Richard Dick went out of style a long time ago was parking another impounded car.

Parking a performance demonic sports car with eight imp-power thrumming under the hood was the highlight of his drab existence. For a brief moment he got to feel like the rich kid whose parents had bought him a fancy new toy.

Before hed got caught driving while intoxicated, anyway.

Soon enough, the money would change hands, the kid would get a slap on the wrist, and Rich and

Lets call her Esmerelda, on account of the paint job and the sassy accelerator.

Rich and Esmerelda would soon part, but for a brief time, he got to drive herdown to the parking spot.

Rich turned off the sports car with a sigh, missing the days when he could do donuts in the lot and take his clients out on joyrides with impunity.

Goodbye Esmerelda. Ill never forget you.

He popped open the door and stepped out into the impound parking garage, taking in the faint sulfur scent of demon blood and motor oil, the most sensory information he could get in the dim lot, since it had barely enough light to find the open spaces between cars.

Wait

Rich frowned as his ears picked up a faint, distinctive squeaking sound. A rhythmic squeak of suspension that could only be two things:

Horny teenagers going at it in an impound lot.

Or somebody trying to steal their piece of shit car back, since they couldnt afford the impound fees or a new car.

Rich preferred the former. It was fun to watch kids run full-speed with their pants around their ankles.

He pulled his oversized flashlight from his belt and scanned it in the direction of the squeaking.

Hmm.

Usually turning on the flashlight was enough to make any trespassers bolt, but whoever was doing the deed back there was really into it.

Squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak

Rich rolled his eyes at the distinctive sound and began hoofing it that way, scanning the cabins for movement.

He found the winner a moment later, a rusty hood wiggling back and forth in time to some kids vigorous thrusting.

It was the 1956 F-100.

God-damnit! Rich hissed, breaking into his best furious waddle.

Some bigwig had handed down an order for the truck to be destroyed, some sort of accessory to a crime or something stupid like that. Rich had recognized the truck though. It was part of a limited run of six thousand trucks produced in the fifties. Sure, it was a rust-bucket, but if he took it home and cleaned it up, he could walk away with upwards of twenty grand for the collector truck. Maybe more.

So he faked the documents stating that itd been destroyed, gave the truck a fake license and was currently clearing out a spot in his garage to house the thing so he could get to work on it.

Hed be damn pissed if some teens were messing with his payday.

Hey you kids better- Rich said, leaning against the truck and pointing his flashlight down into the cabin.

Nothing.

Frowning, he leaned to the right and checked the bed of the truck.

Obvious in hindsight, I suppose.

Also nothing.

Did they just bolt and I didnt see them? Theres nowhere to hide

All of Richs questions were answered when he tried to take his hand off the rusty panelling.

Imstuck?

For a brief instant, he thought he might be the subject of a prank by Roger, but a moment later, an eye opened up on the trucks rusty panelling.

Oh, shit. Were Rich Tinners last words.