Chapter 236 - Godhood: This is life.

{AN: Made a discord server with the help of my friend, here is the link:

discord.gg/ZCX5F5cfKq

Don't worry I will also post the link in the comments session.}

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"Oh, son, you are finally awake. I was dying from worry."(Mom).

I looked at my mother, her expression showed equal hints of worry and qual hints of annoyance. Heh, it's her alright. Only she could feel annoyed by wasting time with her son in the hospital.

Okay, that sounded slightly wrong and it may pass the wrong impression. You see, my family isn't the most wealthy, but we aren't poor either. I never got hungry in my life... Already made you predictable fat joke? Ok, can I continue?

So my parents never let me or my sibling get hungry, but there was only one problem. Both of them worked even on Saturdays, so for a great part of my life, my mother wasn't that present. I got used to seeing her specific annoyed expression when she needs to skip work to deal with my matters. Ok, I admit I wasn't the most well-behaved kid, but I only really saw my mother and father at breakfast and at dinner. And you can imagine that isn't good for a kid.

I won't lie to you, my mother tried a lot to get closer to me and my sibling. But growing up I could say my grandmother was more of a mother figure to me than my own biological mother. I am quite surprised she wasn't the first person I saw, but considering she is 84 years old I guess it's not a good idea for her to spend too much time in a hospital without needing to.

But my mother isn't some evil witch that beats her children or something, she is just human and she made her mistakes. Right now I understand that, more than 2000 years is a very long time to think about things and for me to grow more mature, but my past self wasn't as comprehensible, in the later years close to my death we had grown quite distant, heck I used to speak with her like once or twice a day. And yeah I know I am wrong on a lot of things, if there is something being a buddha taught me is about self-evaluation, I know a lot of my defects and problem, heck I dealt with most of them.

Then there is my father. The relationship I had with my father was pretty close and pretty far, yeah I know it sounds weird. My father works every day, even on weekends, so I always saw him in his uniform and going to work, the brief periods he was home he either worked on the house or rests. He was always busy in some way or the other, sometimes he would make time to play with me when I was smaller but then I started growing up and we drifted away a bit.

Then he sort of becomes my friend? Yeah, when I was old enough it was him that gave me the talk, it was him that explained what STD is, it was him that taught me how to trim my growing beard correctly, we ended up growing pretty close and becoming friends. I would usually go to him when I need counsel or another person's opinion and he ended up becoming both my father and my friend.

But he was a man that never stopped working or being busy, I remember when I was 15 he retired, got his retirement pension, but continued working nonetheless. Which proved to be a wise decision when the country entered an economical crisis, and thanks to his and my mother's effort our family barely felt it. we technically are still in an economical crisis if I am not mistaken, finding a job without some kind of nepotism or recommendations is almost impossible right now.

But there is only scratching the surface of the problems, I know I am blessed from birth to such a wonderful family and they love me dearly. I knew they have their defects, but no one is perfect.

I know that life has been good for me, from childhood I never got hungry and always had warm clothes waiting for me, I never lacked any kind of school supplies, so I would never complain about something like that.

But my parents were pretty great, they both were born in extremely poor families, they barely had any food to eat when they were kids. But they literally gave destiny and life a middle finger and fought for a better future for themselves. So I kinda grew up needing to have to live up to my parents and my expectations, they thought I was smart and talented. And I knew it was a lie, my past self was dumb, slow-witted, uncreative, and overall a human waste of space. Their expectations and hopes were completely mistaken, but they never heard me when I tried correcting them. I had a bunch of problems, low self-esteem, a depressive streak, an inferiority complex, and sometimes the imposter syndrome.

I felt so inadequate, so incompetent, so underserving of most of what I had. It felt suffocating and heavy. And everything came crashing down on me when I entered college.

It all started with how I entered college, I spent the entirety of my high school years studying and preparing myself for the college entrance exams. I never went to parties or any social outings, besides not liking them at the time I was also more focused on studying. But as I said, I was incredibly incompetent and dumb. I also got too nervous and stressed for the tests, and when you combine that with how dumb I was, I failed them miserably.

The disappointed faces hurt more than being stabbed in the heart and trust me on this one, I stabbed myself in the heart so I know what I am talking about. So even with my parent's hopes and expectations for me completely crushed, they still tried, they sent me to a private college close to where we lived. It wasn't THAT expensive because my father had been saving money for a long time. It hurt a lot to know he was using his hard-earned money to cover for my incompetence and idiocy when it was going to and would be used to his well-earned vacation.

I felt like absolute crap. But I went forward nonetheless.

And to my absolute surprise college wasn't so bad. With how much my teachers were hyping it up, I was expecting to find some divine place of infinity knowledge where immortal v.i.r.g.i.ns would serve me drinks while we discussed the matters of utmost importance for the country. And then it ended up being exactly like school and high school, but for a.d.u.l.ts. The first day totally killed my hype, looking back from a certain angle my slight disappointment must've been hilarious. I swear that that ethics teacher got a kick out of this though. Because I certainly wasn't the only one that passed through that.

Well before talking a bit come about my college life, I guess I should say how I was socially before. I can describe myself as socially awkward on my better days. Yeah, I was that bad socially speaking.

There were some people that tried to bully me, but when I do a better job at lowering my self-esteem than the bully he kinda got awkward and left me mostly alone. I didn't have any Friends with capital F too, I certainly had some friends that played games with me or talked about some anime, but our friendship was as shallow as it could get.

Then came my problem with women, I already talked with Allessa about it a lot. Basically, my whole life every authority figure in my life were women, the teachers rarely scolded girls and the boys and me included were always in the wrong in the situation, girls tended to get scot-free or with lighter punishments. This most certainly created some unconscious apprehension and distrust of women from my younger self. So besides being socially awkward I didn't know how to talk;k with women, so my date life before Allessa was negative.

How come could it be negative? Well, I have been multiple times reject without even showing interest in someone, its hurts but you get used to it.

So college life started and everything was going fairly well, thankfully college wasn't that impossible beast I thought it was, and I was grateful for it, don't get me wrong it was more difficult than school but even my dumb past self could still somehow follow things.

One year passed and everything was going great. But problems started appearing, I simply couldn't fit in in college, I was not a party or outside kind of guy so I never went to the bars every Friday with that group. There weren't any people with the same interests as me, don't get me wrong there were some people who watched anime, played games, or read books, but most of them did it casually and had little to no interest in talking about it.

Besides almost everyone was working. And I couldn't find a damn job in the economical crisis. This made my self-esteem problems even worse, I started feeling extremely inferior to my classmates, and when the second year of college started I suddenly couldn't follow the subjects anymore, I was simply too slow for the class, and no matter how much I studied I couldn't keep up. I entered a depressed state, it took three months for me to exit that limbo that was depression, three months that I felt like killing myself multiple times. It was a pretty difficult part of my life, but I was eventually bel to pull me out of that state, only for life to slap me back.

When I was depressed the world, of course, didn't stop. So I came back and suddenly I couldn't even understand what the heck the teachers were talking about, what the f.u.c.k was is supposed to study, someone who was already struggling too much to keep up was more lost than a hooker's son on father's day.

Thankful to modern technology I was able to at least locate myself, but now someone who was already struggling had to catch up to a lot of content. It took a herculean effort, but somehow I pulled through. Or so I thought, I failed the final exams on two subjects, and even when I tried the retake tests with 120% of my maximum I still failed miserably. That didn't end well.

Remember that three months period of depression that I struggled a lot and was able to somehow exit? Well, it came back with a vengeance, a scorching vengeance of a thousand suns. well, here that things get a little bit blurry, I sincerely don't remember how much time passed since then, it was a spiral of depression soo deep that I didn't even notice the days passing, so this period is sort of a strange moot point for me, I know years passed, but I don't know how much, I only know that I finally died and was able to exit that hell.

I guess I never went too deep in about my body condition. And before you ask no, I don't have any problems or diseases on my body, thank god I was relatively healthy in that regard. But at the end of my life, I was fat, very fat. As a kid I wasn't chubby, on the contrary, I was pretty thin but time wasn't gentle with me the older I got the fatter I got. And that wasn't by lack of care, the opposite actually, my mother always regulated what I could eat and when I could eat, so I wasn't gorging myself of junk food, on the contrary, I ate it once a weak and it was in small quantities.

Exercises? it did a bit of everything, soccer, basketball, jujitsu, karate, volley, heck when I was 14 I even started going to the gym. But it was all f.u.c.k.i.n.g useless, so I just kind of gave up. Yeah, that was the time I kinda started sitting on the genetic lottery, it wasn't enough to make me the background character with brown hair and eyes, I was also fat. Find authorized novels in , faster updates, better experience, Please click #%!d(string=17402525605705405)/godhood-this-is-life._%!d(string=51695168683823800) for visiting.

My past life may have all these problems. But I can never say it was a bad life, no, on the contrary, I am extremely grateful for it. I know a lot of people who don't have even anything to eat, so I never complained about my life. It was a good life, and like the life of everyone, it has its highs and low points.

Most of my problems I was able to hammer out in the shinobi world. First, I immersed myself into training and messing around with chakra, my new chance at life rekindled that flame I thought was snuffed out ages ago. But some things were difficult to change, I didn't make friends. Yeah, I am aware, the only people I called friends on the shinobi world were linked to me by family, Tsunade was a Senju, and Jiraya after marrying her can be considered part of the family. Kushina was family to considering her blood relation with Mito, and so became Minato when they married. Yeah, I was still extremely awkward socially even in my new life.

But I changed a lot, it was kinda impossible not to. I went to war and killed people, and no matter what you say killing someone even with the correct mindset and preparation will change your worldview a lot, heck it changed mine. Then I entered the ANBU, there I could say that I had the biggest change in the shinobi world. It was in the ANBU that I truly acquired my edge, where I truly formed my ruthlessness. I killed men, women, and children too. Innocents, civilians, nobles, merchants, every target imaginable, I was one of the best assassins of the ANBU since ever.

And then came my second world, the world where I made my first friends, and the world I met the love of my life. Elsa, Rick, and Gwen, our time was kinda short but I became fast friends with them, I even helped them train a bit, the bubbly and ever happy go lucky Elsa(Shark Girl), the gentle and caring angel Gwen, the ambitious and caring demon Rick, the love forbidden between Gwen and Rick. It was a good time, and I should definitely visit them to see how things are going. I just hope too much time didn't pass, but Allessa said that time is a mess and different for a different world so on that world a decade could have already passed, while a simple second passed on DD world. Yeah, I know it's a mess, but time is supposed to be something rather complex, you know.

And then there is the part where I met Allessa. One of the best things that ever happened, with how weird our first meeting was I would never think that we would work together, normally blowing a hole through someone's torso isn't a good first/second impression. But love works in mysterious ways and we found a soulmate in each other. Now that I think about it, I should officially ask her hand in marriage, we already consider that we are married, but I bet Allessa's would like a very romantic wedding. Yeah, I will do it when I come back after finishing this test.

Yep, this is pretty obvious a test. It's super cliche to have some kind of test for godhood, and I can clearly see this now that I've calmed myself. But what kind of test is this one, because come on, the majority of the issues of my past have long since been overcome. First, when you have sufficient power to destroy a planet a lot of BIG issues suddenly don't sound so big anymore. Second, I am old, really, really old, principally for good old earth standards, so I technically have seniority level on anyone in this globe. Third, most of my issues have long since been worked with. Fourth, I am a father already, and that is a pretty absurd concept to the past me.

Maybe it's about acceptance, not overcoming. I know it sounds strange and a little absurd, but hear me out. My past self, I don't need to forget, I don't need to push it back, to overcome it, to surpass it, or to suppress it. I need to simply accept it as part of my life, a part of me, of my history, Allessa already knows about everything and she did a better job than me on accepting it. It may be an obscure part of me I don't like, I don't want to acknowledge, but it's a part of me nonetheless. I know I have long since changed, long since moved past it, but I should shun it, I should embrace and learn from it. Something I was probably already doing subconsciously, but now I am aware.

Having reached my conclusions, I simply smiled at my mother's worry and annoyance at losing her work time.

"Yes, mom... sorry for the trouble."(Aizen).

"*Sigh*, I swear, you and your sister will be the death of me one day. The medics said everything was okay with you, and you are perfectly healthy, they said it was just the build-up stress and some other things that caused this... Son, I don't know how... but ever since you quit college you've always been soo stressed out, always lashing out randomly..."(Mom).

"Don't worry... I am okay now, I guess I only needed some rest."(Aizen).

"Son, you are not okay. You have been hospitalized-"(Mom).

"I am okay mom. There is nothing to worry about, didn't they say that I am perfectly healthy?"(Aizen).

I accidentally used my strict general voice... Ops. Mother looked at me for a brief moment but apparently, she didn't notice anything different. She looked at me some more seemly thinking and analyzing the situation.

"*sigh* Okay, son. I need to go back to work, don't hesitate to call me if anything happens, okay. Stay safe and listen to the medics. And don't worry, when your father finishes his job for the day he will go pick you up."(Mom).

"Sure mom, stay safe out there."(Aizen).

"Bye."(Mom).

She picks up her purse and exits my hospital room with fast steps, and I couldn't help but see the irony in the situation, I that should be the slow-witted, the dumb one, the slowpoke, was the one who changed the most, while they are just the same old. Ironic.