Chapter 143 - My SI Stash #43 - Metallover's Self-Insert Adventure Book 1 - The Insertening by metallover (Fire Emblem)

-This SI Fire Emblem: Awakening fic's quite a lot of fun~ I really liked these bits of seriousness that sometimes shows up; they give this fic a grounded feeling that enhances the overall believability of such an outlandish concept as a "Self-Insert" story.

*Nerd(without any cheats) SI in the FE game! Lots of zany comedy~ The sequel to this fic has already been completed too, check it out next!

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Sypnosis: AU. SI. Ever wonder what happens when an aggressive, foul-mouthed, broke-ass geek gets transported into his favorite Fire Emblem game? Yeah, I'll bet you do. A light, humorous self-insert crack re-telling of Awakening starring me, the author of Invisible Ties. Warnings for swearing, violence, s.e.x.u.a.l content and bad pop-culture references. And why the cat? I don't know either.

Rated: M

Words: 93K

Posted on: m.fanfiction.net/s/11403992/1/Metallover-s-Self-Insert-Adventure-Book-1-The-Insertening (metallover)

PS: If you're not able to copy/paste the link, you have everything in here to find it, by simply searching the author and the story title. It sucks that you can't copy links on mobile (´ー｀)

-I'll be putting the chapter ones of all the fanfics mentioned, to give you guys a sample if you wan't more please do go to the website and support the author! (And maybe even convince them to start uploading chapters in here as well!)

Chapter 1

Author's Note:

I can't believe I'm actually uploading this…

There's not much to say about this story. It's a Self-Insert crack retelling of Awakening, because I can.

This story was inspired by a self-insert fic called Asleep. Now, usually I hate self-inserts, but I actually quite enjoyed that one. Until *spoiler deleted* died, anyway; that pissed me off. I kept reading it, though. Usually, I find self-insert stories to be a bit ridiculous, but after reading such an incredibly ambitious story (written from the second person perspective, no less (which, let me tell you, is not easy)) I figured 'what the hell' and decided I'd experiment a little with a self-insert of my own. And it's just as ridiculous as I expected. I did this for fun, but I did this without my usual eye for detail, so it's a little rough around the edges. This kinda wound up being an exercise to break my perpetual writers-block in the end, too, but I finally feel like it's at a place where I can start to upload it (if for no other reason than to get some cheap laughs).

I give you all fair warning, again; I swear an inordinate amount IRL, so that's going to be conveyed here (it comes from a life of being around tradesmen). I've also stylized my personality a little, specifically the more douchey and aggressive traits, for the sake of comedy. This SI character is actually closer to the 20-year old Ben than the current Ben. I'm actually kind of an awkward nice guy now, I swear.

So, without further ado, please enjoy my experiment. Nagaspeed, my dear readers!

Part the First, or "Hello fan-boy fantasy!"

With a loud groan I let my head fall forward onto the bar, giving me a perfect side-on view of the condensation rolling down the side of my glass. The ice-cold amber liquid within was doing nothing to improve my mood, despite the fact that it was my third such glass in the last twenty minutes. I was sitting in one of the cheaper bars in town at the end of the day, magically turning my fuel money into beer with the help of the not-so-enthusiastic drinking partner I had roped into joining me so I didn't feel quite so pathetic.

I'd been fired. Again. For the fourth time in six months.

"C'mon, it's not that bad," the tall, skinny man next to me said reassuringly. "Something'll come up eventually."

I glanced up at my friend Ash, blatantly ignoring the condescending tone in his voice. Or trying to, anyway. He was a few years older than me, but we had been friends ever since I had started working at the same supermarket as him and he'd wound up training me on my first day. Turns out we both like the same music, anime and games so we'd hit it off right away.

"I needed that job, man," I groaned, sitting back up. ""Late to work too many times' my hairy Canadian ass… My bank's threatening to sell my credit account to a collection agency… and not one of those 'let's work out a repayment plan' agencies, a 'we're going to break your f.u.c.k.i.n.g legs if you don't pay up now' agency."

"Well, you're the idiot that went and bought the stupid 3DS, not me," Ash shrugged.

"My old one broke, though," I m.o.a.ned piteously. "Half-way through another Lunatic-Plus playthrough, too. Thank god for SD cards…"

"You really like that game, don't you?" Ash asked, draining his glass and signalling the bartender for another.

I drained my own glass, too, holding it out for another refill.

"I f.u.c.kin' love Fire Emblem, man," I admitted. "Ever since I was a kid."

"It wasn't that great a game," Ash said, rolling his eyes. "I'm still slogging my way through Mass Effect again."

"Tali again?" I asked, quirking a brow.

"No way," Ash said, perking up somewhat as our fresh beers were delivered. "I finally got the Lair of the Shadow Broker DLC, so I can do a three-game Liara playthrough!"

I grinned and shook my head. This was why I spent time with Ash; he had a way of taking my mind off of the bad shit, even if it was only for a little while.

"Well," I said, raising my beer. "Here's to s.e.xy blue alien girls, then!"

"Urgh. What the… f.u.c.k?" I groaned weakly. "Where am I- oh god too bright…"

I lifted my hands up, covering my face from the harsh glare before slowly sitting up.

Running a hand over the short stubble on the top of my bald head I blinked my eyes clear, running that same hand vigorously down my face and over my short, scruffy beard to try and wake myself up a little more.

I found myself sitting in a forest. A nice forest, the kind of bright and cheery fairy-tale forest you see in Disney movies, not the dry and dusty bushland I was used to. This forest looked like the kind of shit you see in nature doc.u.mentaries about bears and salmon on the Discovery Channel, the ones based in North America; which, coincidentally, was a long way from Australia. However, this knowledge did little to explain the fact that I was sitting in a f.u.c.k.i.n.g forest with no memory of how I got there.

"How in the name of… why the f.u.c.k am I in a forest!? Again!? Where the hell am I!? Dammit, Ash! What the f.u.c.k, man!? This isn't funny! It wasn't funny the last time you did it and… Oh god…"

I swayed, trying not to puke.

The last thing I remembered at the time was drinking with Ash after being fired from yet another job again last night. We had gotten f.u.c.k.i.e.d-up, sure, but…

I found myself thinking that perhaps someone had spiked my drink?

Giving an involuntary shiver as I stood I clutched at my stomach, feeling it rebel at the motion before dry-heaving a little.

"Ugh… I am so hung-over…"

Seriously, though, who in their right mind would spike the drink of a short, hairy, bearded dude with no money and a car almost out of gas?

I found myself reasoning that, at the very least, it appeared to be late spring wherever I was, so I wasn't liable to freeze to death. My jeans and favourite DevilDriver t-shirt would suffice for now, but if it got colder at night I'd need a jacket or a coat.

Or, ideally, I could find my car and get far the hell away from here.

Wherever here was.

…

Where… was my car, anyway?

As I shambled through the trees doing my best not to chuckle at the real-life 'Dude, Where's my Car' references I could be making, I decided to do the thing I should have done first and check my phone for signal. Only to find all of my pockets completely empty.

"Oh for f.u.c.k's sake…" I groaned, leaning against a tree and looking around. "Figures. Did I get mugged again or something? Ah, f.u.c.k I hope Ash has my keys…"

I gave myself a quick once-over, checking for bruises, contusions or anything else that might point to me being accosted; in the end I didn't even find a measly stab wound. Deciding to just find a road and hitchhike to the nearest payphone (I'm sure one still existed somewhere in the world), I set off again. No way in hell was I crawling through scrub just to find a crappy twenty-dollar phone and a wallet with a maxed-out credit card and a couple of dollar coins in it while I was this hung-over. Someone had swiped my puffer, though, so if I had an asthma attack I was well and truly screwed; that pissed me off. It wasn't like those things were expensive; hell, you didn't even need a doctor's script to buy them at most places!

Why did everyone want to steal my shit all the time?

"F.u.c.k it, I got a spare at home," I muttered, starting to move a little faster.

I shielded my eyes as I came into a field a few hours later, looking around. If this were some farmer's property back home, I'd get my ass shot off. I'm sure the same went for places in the US or Canada, too. The fact that I was even thinking this made me wonder once again where, in God's name, I was. Finding no sign of a road or even a farmhouse in the distance I shrugged, deciding to just keep walking.

While muttering the 'just keep swimming' song from Finding Nemo under my breath. Because I could.

Lamenting the fact I hadn't paid more attention when I was in Scouts, I wondered how I would go about getting food. Or water. Or finding shelter.

I wondered if the people here even spoke English.

…

…

…

Gah! This was not the landscape I was familiar with! Where was the dust? Where was the dead, dry grass? Where were the endless rows of cane farms? Where in the name of unholy hell was I?

These were the questions I asked myself as I tromped through the picturesque field, completely ignoring its simple beauty.

I grumbled, stopping to look around. It was Sunday morning. I was cold, tired and hungry. The new episodes of Fate/Stay Night and Sword Art Online were out, and I wasn't downloading them. I didn't even have my iPod to listen to as I walked. Or my 3DS, or my Vita, or… anything!

I missed technology! I was a child of the new century, dammit!

"This day is officially f.u.c.kin' balls," I groaned, sighed and then continued to walk in the random direction I'd chosen, hands in my pockets.

I walked for what I assumed was another couple of minutes, sun burning down on my shaved head as I moved. I had to admit, though, it was a nice change being able to walk around outside in jeans without sweating my hairy arse off. Even if I was getting sunburn on the chrome-dome.

And, while thinking thoughts of my body-hair and early-onset male pattern baldness, I met my first natives.

"Hello there, friend!" someone called out behind me.

I spun, fully aware that I was still glowering, and raised an eyebrow at what I saw.

"Oh f.u.c.k me," I muttered, eyes going wide.

I started to laugh. I couldn't help it. I was being approached by the three best Fire Emblem cosplayers I'd ever seen. The guy in the lead was such a dead-ringer for Chrom it was uncanny; the brand on his shoulder even looked real, rather than Nikko-penned on. Lissa and Frederick were well done, too. Hell, the Frederick cosplayer was even leading a real horse around by the reins! All they were missing was Robin, and they'd have the full Prologue set!

"Sorry, sorry," I said quickly as the two men frowned. "Am I in the way of your photo-shoot or something? Where's the nearest road? And more importantly, how far away from town am I? Judging from the green this must be pretty far south…"

The Chrom-cosplayer stopped to look at me, tilting his head a little as the Frederick stepped past him to face me. Both men were very tall, reminding me just how short I really was. At least their Lissa cosplayer was shorter than me. And she was a total babe, too. If I were a braver man, I'd try to get her number.

She noticed me looking at her and gave a shy little smile that made my blood pump faster, hang-over or no hang-over.

Their Frederick cleared his throat, reminding me he was right in front of me. The way he was looking at me, I'd obviously just been checking out his girlfriend. Whatever, though; looking wasn't illegal.

"Sorry," I repeated. "I'm really lost. Have any of you got a phone on you or something?"

"A what?" their Chrom asked, a perplexed look crossing his face.

I had to give the guy props for staying in character. But, really, I hated those kinds of cosplayers. With a fiery, burning passion, I hated them so. No lie, they were the reason I never went to conventions. And wasn't allowed in Disney Land anymore. It's a… long story. One for elsewhere.

"Whatever," I said, running a hand over my bald head again. "What way's the nearest 'town' then?"

"I don't believe I like your tone, sir," the Frederick said icily.

"Wow, f.u.c.k off bro," I snapped, glaring up at the mountain of a man. "What part of 'lost' did you not get?"

…

What?

I was hung-over and lost, and here were these three dill-holes in cosplay giving me shit? Nuh-uh. F.u.c.k this douche-bag.

He raised an eyebrow at my outburst, but whatever beat-down I was about to get was mercifully postponed by the Chrom-player putting his hand on the guy's shoulder. Yeah, they were both head-and-shoulders taller than me. Bastards.

"If this poor man is lost, the least we can do is bring him to Southtown with us," the Chrom-cosplayer said.

"Thanks," I said, leaning around the man in seriously convincing armour to address the Chrom guy.

In fact, I reflected, they all had crazy-good costumes. Like, real metal and everything. Frederick's suit of armour alone must have cost a fortune, not to mention weighing as much as my car.

"But, uh, if you're doing a shoot or something just point me in the right direction," I said. "I don't want to interrupt."

The Chrom cosplayer chuckled, stepping around the Frederick cosplayer.

"You use strange words, friend, and I do not understand them," he said, clapping me on the shoulder. "But we are heading into town, anyway. We will show you the way."

"Great," I said, feeling a little more excited as I stuck out my hand. "I'm Ben."

The guy looked at my hand for a moment before smiling and shaking my hand.

"I am Chrom," he said in that infuriatingly 'I'm so into my character' way that some cosplayers got.

"I'm Lissa!" the girl piped up, appearing at the guy's side and sticking out her hand.

I shrugged, taking it and pumping it a few times.

"A pleasure," I said, looking to the last of the three. "Let me guess… your name is Frederick, Knight of Ylisse, right?"

The big man's frown turned into a full-blown scowl as I grinned up at him. It was impossible to miss the way his hand dropped to the axe strapped to his belt and…

And my eyes widened as I realised it was a real f.u.c.k.i.n.g axe.

"Sheesh, you guys are legit," I said, rubbing the back of my head. "A real horse and real weapons? I gotta say, your budget impresses me. Is this like a promo shoot for Nintendo or something? … Need an extra? I can totally play a bandit or villager or something if you need another body."

"Cease your blathering and tell me how you knew my name," the Frederick guy asked, his axe suddenly pointed at my face.

"Dude, what the f.u.c.k?" I asked, slapping the weapon aside.

There was a dull sound as my open palm met the steel axe; from the weight I could tell it was most definitely real. I looked over my shoulder to where Chrom was eyeing me suspiciously, his hand resting on the broadsword strapped to his own belt. I felt cold realisation settling in the pit of my stomach as I looked back at the now-furious Frederick cosplayer.

Only… these weren't cosplayers. Those weren't fake weapons; that axe had been heavy, too heavy to be a prop. That armour didn't just look real, either. These were either actors or…

"Oh f.u.c.k me… I'm too hung-over for this shit…" I cursed, stepping back and pinching the bridge of my nose.

No way, I thought to myself. There was no way in hell I was in a f.u.c.k.i.n.g video game. No way-

My thoughts turned blank as I realised I was flying through the air. I hit the ground, hard, and found myself with a mouthful of grass.

"You will answer my question!" Frederick, the real Frederick, boomed.

"Argh, f.u.c.k you, get the hell offa me!" I shouted back, squirming. "I don't even know where the f.u.c.k I am! I was out drinking last night, and I wake up in this f.u.c.k.i.n.g forest with all my shit gone, now I'm getting my ass kicked!? F.u.c.k off! Lemme up so I can kick your ass!"

I watched the man on top of me blink in astonishment at my outburst for a moment out of the corner of my eye before Chrom pulled him off of me. I climbed back to my feet, still cursing like a sailor while I rolled out my neck and tried not to puke as adrenaline flooded my body, warring with my hangover. I stepped back, adopting a boxer's pose; I'd taken karate classes as a kid, sparred with my dad and brothers occasionally, and even worked as a bouncer for a brief stint, so I knew how to fight at the least…

I was probably about to get a major smack-down, but my shrink did say something about 'aggression issues'…

"That's enough!" Chrom said, interposing himself between us before I could do something stupid.

Like punching a guy in full armour holding an actual f.u.c.k.i.n.g axe with my n.a.k.e.d fist.

"Just tell me where the nearest road is, for f.u.c.k's sake!" I shouted, losing my cool completely.

"You will not speak to milord in such an irreverent fashion!" Frederick demanded, stepping forward again.

"Suck a gallon of d.i.c.ks, d.i.c.k-hole!" I roared. "I don't need this!"

Chrom threw out an arm to stop Frederick's approach, giving me a funny look.

"If you walk that way you will find Southtown before the end of the day," Chrom said patiently, pointing a little to the right of the direction I'd been travelling.

"Thank you," I said exasperatedly before I started walking again.

No way, I thought. No f.u.c.k.i.n.g way was I in a video game. This wasn't the Legend of Neil. I hated self-insert fics. I was being punked or some other such shit. I was still waiting for Ashton Kutcher or someone to jump out at me and tell me I was on camera as I heard Lissa ask possibly the funniest thing I'd heard in months behind me, on par with the 'f.u.c.k-ass' line from the start of Donnie Darko.

"Brother, what… what does 'f.u.c.k' mean?" she asked, her curious voice totally innocent.

"No," I said an hour later as I walked into the town.

"No f.u.c.k.i.n.g… I don't… I… no. Just… no."

It was like a renaissance fair or something. You know, like those theme villages about gold miners and things that you get out in the sticks sometimes? Like that, but much, much more convincing.

I honestly spent another hour walking around the perimeter of the village, looking for the parking lot and finding nothing but more wilderness, some farmland and more village.

"I am seriously getting fed up with this shit…" I growled, refusing to make eye contact with anyone as I walked slowly through the village.

I was getting funny looks, but then again I was walking around with 'I love the killing' printed on the back of my shirt in big orange letters. And everyone here was in cosplay, too, so I really stuck out. Period costumes; farming tools lying around everywhere; poor villagers and all kinds of other shit; a few town guards in light quilted armour, giving me the stink eye as the rushed past me, obviously with more… important…

Oh shit, I thought, realising that, if I had indeed been sucked into a video game, that this town was about to literally go up in flames in a big way.

As soon as I thought that, right on cue, the screaming started. I could smell smoke and hear laughter from around the corner, and sure enough the villagers scattered.

"Crap-f.u.c.k," I breathed, realising I was standing alone on the street now. "Crap-f.u.c.k, crap-f.u.c.k-crap-f.u.c.k-crap-f.u.c.k-cr-"

Two shirtless dudes, a lot less muscular than the bandits in Fire Emblem are usually presented, darted around the corner, swinging axes and whooping loudly as they terrorized the villagers. Both men came to a stop when they saw me, grinning madly.

My gaze darted around, looking for a weapon or…

"Okay, guys," I said, holding my hands up and trying to appear as unthreatening as possible as I slowly backed away. "I don't know what the hell's going on here, but I don't want any part of it. So… let's just pretend we never saw each other, m'kay?"

Both men looked at each other before bursting into laughter and advancing on me again, weapons brandished. I couldn't help but scoff; both men had simple wood-cutting axes that looked so blunt they'd be more likely to bludgeon me to death than actually chop me up. Heart beating out of control in my chest, I reached down to grab the rake sitting in the dirt next to the house we were outside of, and both men started to laugh again.

"Right," I said, twirling it the way I was taught as a kid and snapping it into place beneath my right armpit. "Last chance. Walk away or crawl away. Your choice."

Squealing internally at my bad-assery I waited to see if my feint would work. If these guys were actors like I was fervently praying that they were they'd back down now and give me shit for ruining their performance. Unfortunately, it appeared that they, too, were really into their roles as they rushed me at the same time.

So, apparently it was time to put my old skills to the test and try not to get dead.

One was faster than the other, so I spun the rake and smashed him with the side of the metal head, trying not to kill him. Just in case. He went down like a sack of dirt, and I found myself blocking haphazard blows from his friend on the rake's handle. Apparently the axes were a lot sharper than they looked, because after a few hits the farming implement broke, leaving me with two nearly-meter-long poles in my hands. I shrugged and began wailing on this guy with the poles, driving him to the ground before lashing out with my steel-cap boot and indenting his chin. The second guy dropped, leaving me standing alone and breathing heavily.

Too heavily, I realised, as the adrenaline gave way to asthma.

I dropped the lengths of broken rake and took deep breaths, doubling over with a hand on my chest and willing myself to calm down. Fortunately the smoke was wafting in the other direction, so the air was still clear. After about a minute I had my breathing under control again; it was difficult to do, like a big fat-guy was sitting on my chest, but I was still breathing, and more importantly still moving.

Which meant it was time to beat feet and get far the f.u.c.k away from this village or whatever the f.u.c.k it was. I'd just beaten two guys into the dirt. I didn't need to be questioned by local cops. I didn't even know where the Australian embassy was in this lovely little shit-bowl!

If this really was reality, and I hadn't wandered onto a film set and just beaten the shit out of two extras, then that meant that Chrom and Robin would be here any minute to save the villagers. Meaning I could get as far the f.u.c.k away as possible, guilt free, and try to figure out how to get home.

I stepped over the broken rake and on a whim grabbed one of the lame axes before turning and making to head back the way I'd come. All I had to do was turn a corner and run for the forest, get as far away as possible. There was still screaming in the distance, and…

All of my thoughts disappeared as I rounded the corner and found two more of the thugs, or bandits or whatever, looming over some kids. A teenage girl, cowering and holding two younger kids close and trying to shield them as these guys advanced on them. I didn't even want to think about what these jerk-offs were planning to do, but where I came from we left young girls alone.

F.u.c.k it, I thought. I can beat a couple more guys up before getting outta dodge. I may be a jerk and an ass hole, but I don't think there's a man alive that could walk by this scene and not do something.

Plus, they only looked about as tough as the last two.

"Oi!" I shouted, getting their attention. "Step the f.u.c.k away from the kids. Now."

I struggled with my tongue after that, both men blinking incredulously at the weirdly dressed stranger. One of them had an axe like mine, the other was sporting a beaten-up old sword.

Hell, weapon triangle be damned, I was gunning on kicking this guy's ass, too.

They both looked at each other before ignoring the kids and starting to advance towards me. I think it surprised them when I started to walk towards them at the same pace, though. I think it surprised them more, judging from the way they stopped moving, when I started to charge at them.

Both men actually tried to leap out of my way, and the one with the axe succeeded, so I found myself going after the one with the sword first. He went down as I smashed the back of the axe head in his temple, hopefully just unconscious.

I turned my attention to the other bandit, spinning on one foot…

Hot, unimaginable pain exploded in my ribs as the second bandit buried his axe in my left flank. Fortunately I had already been moving, and momentum brought me down on top of the man at the same time my vision went white. The axe came free from my chest with a wave of fresh pain, and I brought my own down on the man's face. His nose shattered, and as I drew my weapon back I spun it around in my grip. His own axe missed my face by centimetres, thanks only to the fact I was unbalanced when he moved beneath me, and with a vicious snarl I drove mine into his chest, just below his neck. There was a wet sucking sound as I pulled it free, the man going limp beneath me, and for good measure I buried the weapon in his chest again as I stood.

As soon as I was up I found myself tottering backwards, falling on my arse and idly realising my favourite DevilDriver shirt was completely ruined. How I'd ever get the blood out…

Then it hit me 'holy shit, I'm bleeding here', and I started to panic again.

I realised that it didn't actually hurt that much, despite the fact I could see my freaking ribs through my shirt, which of course meant I was going into shock. Which was a very bad thing.

Someone was screaming for help, probably one of the kids I had saved.

Stupid, stupid idea, I told myself. You're used to fighting with drunken douchebags in town, not axe-wielding bandits actually trying to kill you. This is probably the end.

Eh, at least you went out looking like a total bad-ass, I consoled myself.

As my vision started to go black I felt a strange, soothing warmth in my side. The kind of warmth you get after your third straight tequila shot, but centralised in my wounded ribs rather than my chest and stomach.

I blinked my vision clear to see a concerned looking Lissa leaning over me, her glowing staff hovering a few inches from my wound, which was miraculously closing.

Ah. Magic. That right there proved I was in a video game.

F.u.c.k.

No, I told myself. Compartmentalize. Deal with it later.

"Ow," I groaned, sitting up when she finished.

"Are you okay?" she asked quickly. "You… got hurt protecting the children and-"

"Stop," I said, holding up one hand.

I had to check. I had to know.

"We can get to that in a sec. Did you just use magic to heal me? Not some sort of weird, experimental CIA-alien tech or some other shit?"

I had to compartmentalize, or I would have freaked out then and there. One thing at a time.

Lissa nodded enthusiastically, a big smile spreading across her face.

"Yeah, I'm a cleric!" Lissa beamed, showing me her staff.

I felt my pulse racing, realising that the pixelated version from my 3DS screen had nothing on the real-life Lissa.

Holy crap if she's this hot, how good is Cordelia going to look? Or Say'ri? Or even Panne?

"You were very brave," she added, stepping back to let me stand.

I gingerly climbed to my feet, shaking the lingering stars out of my eyes. I could see the body of the man I'd killed off to one side, my appropriated axe still sticking out of his chest. I didn't want to look at it dead-on, though. I didn't think my stomach could handle it. The reek of blood in the air was bad enough…

Still compartmentalizing, I turned away. It was just one more thing to freak out about later.

…

Lotta little compartments opening up in my brain, today…

Without warning I swayed and let out a cough, followed by a very asthmatic wheeze. I guess nearly dying is as good a trigger as any…

"Are you okay?" Lissa asked hurriedly, gripping me with strong, soft hands around the arm to hold me up.

"I'm fine," I wheezed with a deep breath. "It's just asthma. It'll… it'll pass. I just need a moment."

"What is asthma?" Lissa asked, her brows furrowing. "Why do you use so many strange words?"

"I'm not… from 'round here," I said, trying to control my breathing. "And asthma is… well, let's just say… I have weak lungs. I don't… breathe too good."

Smoking as a teenager definitely hadn't helped any…

Lissa looked up at me (god bless her for actually being short IRL) with a concerned expression before she pulled a small glass vial out of a pouch on her belt.

"Drink a little of this vulenary and see if it helps," she offered.

I nodded and accepted the small thing, willing to try anything at that point. As I poured some of the liquid down my throat I was amazed by how something could be both sour and spicy at the same time, nearly coughing the brackish liquid up multiple times. I tried to only drink about a third of the thing, remembering that you were supposed to get three charges out of them.

Just as I finished and handed the vial back, Chrom came out of the house and looked at me with concern evident on his features.

"Are you alright? Ben was it?" he asked, coming up to where I was standing with Lissa.

I nodded, trying to register everything going on right now. Magic was the tip-off, though. I was in Ylisse. I was honest-to-god inside of a Fire Emblem cartridge. Or, chip, considering the way that Nintendo was going these days… At least, if those weak-ass bandits were anything to go by, I was only playing on the easy setting. I mean, I'm fit enough and work out semi-regularly, but I'm no Lunatic-Plus warrior or anything.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said, testing the arm above where my ribs had been wounded.

"You took quite the hit, there," Chrom said, clapping me on the shoulder again. "But you saved those children."

I had to resist the urge to wince or twitch. I don't actually like being touched that much, to be honest. And Chrom was clearly one of those people that just had to touch you when he spoke to you. One of those people.

"Okay, great," I said as the Prince dropped his hand. "What now? Where are Frederick and Robin, anyway?"

Chrom quirked his brow at me, giving me another funny look.

"Frederick is scouting the town to find the bandit's leader," the blue-haired man said slowly. "I… I've never met anybody named Robin, though."

"Are they a friend of yours?" Lissa asked curiously, obviously determined not to be left out.

I shook my head.

Oh shit, I thought desperately. Please, please God don't tell me I'm Robin. I'm not smart enough to be Robin! I could hardly beat Hard Mode!

"It's not important," I said, trying to play it off. "Do… you guys want a hand with these bandits? Or something?"

Chrom shook his head.

"I can't ask you to do that," he said. "We watched you fight with these two, and… well… you're not very good. You'd just get hurt again."

Ouch. Okay, so I've never trained with an axe before. You did miss me kick ass with a bo-staff, I said in my head.

Instead of giving voice to my thoughts I shook my head, looking around.

"Trust me, I just need something I'm more familiar with," I assured him. "Does anyone have a spare lance or something?"

"You know how to fight with a lance?" Chrom asked incredulously.

"A staff," I corrected him, turning and finding another stack of farm tools. "It's been a while, but I can apparently still swing around a staff…"

I walked over to the stack, finding a suitable length hoe and snapped the head off it with a quick kick. I spun the wooden stick around like I had before, nodding before leaning it on my shoulder.

"That's… a staff where you come from?" Lissa asked curiously, eying the rough piece of wood across my shoulders.

I nodded, grinning.

"A bo-staff," I explained. "It's a martial-art. I can fight unarmed, too. Not… particularly well, but I've actually trained that way, so I'm better at that than using an axe or sword."

Let's just leave out the fact I only got to a green-stripe-belt here, shall we…?

Chrom looked at me, obviously unconvinced.

"If you want to help I won't turn you away," he said at length. "But stay behind me and Frederick. You're not wearing armour."

"Yeah, trust me, I noticed," I deadpanned, gingerly rubbing at the hole in my shirt.

Chrom blinked a few times before guffawing at my lame joke, Lissa giggling quietly behind him. He drew his sword with that grin on his face.

"Stick close to us, then," he said as he started to jog through the town.

Lissa gave me an encouraging nod, making me think that I might have to romance her on this play-through, before I reminded myself that this was most assuredly not a game. Thinking of this as a game would probably end with my untimely demise, easy mode or not.

We found Frederick not far from the town square, holding his horse by the reigns and peeking out around the corner of the building he was hiding behind. His armour was covered in blood splatters, more of the red fluid already drying on the blade of his axe. The Knight spun as we approached, shooting me a particularly dirty glare before ignoring me outright.

"What's the situation?" Chrom asked coming up beside the taller man.

"Five men with various armaments, all trying to get to the civilians holed up in the church," Frederick explained quickly. "Their leader seems to be among them. I say we charge while they're distracted and strike from their rear."

"Agreed," Chrom said, drawing the big fancy sword from his scabbard. "We'll charge, hit them hard and-"

"Whoa-whoa-whoa, hold on a sec," I said, stepping around Lissa. "That's it? Charge five dudes with two and hope for the best? Where's your strategy?"

"Er… what?" Chrom asked. "It's just… five men."

"Which is two more than we have," I pointed out. "They have the element of numbers, and with…"

I trailed off, peeking around the corner and ignoring a visibly rage-trembling Frederick.

"That much space between you and them, you'll completely blow the element of surprise. And probably get hacked up into little itty-bitty pieces like I almost was. In short, you're not gonna have a good time."

I found myself wondering if these were honestly that stupid, but judging from the impressed looks on Lissa and Chrom's faces I'd say they were. Frederick just looked like he was about to throw me out into the square as a distraction, though.

I got the feeling he didn't like me very much…

At that moment I almost committed to waiting to find out who he paired up with so I could 'romance' his daughter just to spite him.

"What would you suggest, then?" Chrom asked, distracting my crude thoughts.

I twitched a little, realising with a sinking feeling what role I was falling into.

"Uh…" I muttered, getting my head in the game.

I took another look into the square, committing the layout to memory, before moving back to Chrom.

"Frederick rides around the side, hitting them from the flank. We'll move up behind the crates and stalls in the market quietly. When Frederick charges them, we jump out and take tha bandits by surprise. Simples."

"Not you," I added, turning to Lissa. "You stay where it's safe. But not too far away, in case I get chopped again."

"Right!" Lissa said enthusiastically.

"Milord, you can't seriously…" Frederick started as Chrom went quiet, stroking his chin in thought.

"It's a good plan," the other man nodded. "We'll do it. Frederick, ride around and hit them from the side. We'll cover you."

Frederick grumbled but followed Chrom's orders, climbing up into his saddle and kicking his horse into a trot. I gave him my best shit-eating grin the entire time, just to prove a point.

"Okay, let's get into position behind those crates and wait for Frederick to charge," I suggested, ducking low and hurrying over to the closest market stall.

Chrom followed me silently while Lissa lingered at the corner of the building, clutching her staff defensively to her chest. I had to admit that for a big guy Chrom could really move quietly. My boots made a soft tapping as I raced across the paved market square, but Chrom was silent as the wind.

We stopped behind cover and I leaned my head around the stall to watch the bandits. More bandits, muscled but not from a life of fighting, were trying to beat down the door to the church, their weapons bouncing ineffectively off the heavy wooden door. I watched, noticing the obvious leader's bearing; it was the same as my brother's and the guys he hung around with. Their leader, at the very least, had been military trained.

"What do you make of the one in the middle?" I whispered to Chrom.

The prince, for by now I was sure he was the real deal, glanced up over the stall for a moment before his head ducked back down.

"Military, possibly middle-ranks," he answered.

I nodded, glancing around the stall again.

"If Frederick doesn't take him down in his initial pass I need you to take him out," I whispered back.

"Pretty free with the orders, aren't you?" Chrom chuckled, his face betraying his good spirits.

"Hey mate, you're the one with actual military training," I defended myself. "I was only taught self-defence; that guy's way the f.u.c.k outta' my league. I can handle a few of the other ones, but this is going to be all you and frowny-mac-armour-pants."

Besides, I had an unfair advantage. I'd played Awakening before, so I knew for a fact that at least one of these guys had to be a guerrilla fighter from Plegia. No way could I take a trained killer with my beginner-level katas and a broken farming implement.

Chrom nodded, silent now. We could both hear the sound of hooves beating against dirt, and as the bandits caught the sound and began to turn Frederick exploded into the square.

"For Ylisse!" he roared, running down one of the bandits as the rest dove clear.

"Now!" I shouted, urging Chrom into action as I bolted around the stall. "For Pony!"

… What? I've always wanted to use that line. Sue me.

Chrom overtook me easily, dashing forwards and spinning, practically slicing the leader-bandit's arm off as he passed, the man going back down. Then he was in amongst the other bandits, swinging Falchion in great arcs.

One of the men rose up in front of me, and I gripped my makeshift staff the way we'd been taught during class. Of course, this stick was far too thin, and the bandit's first blow damn near cleaved it in two. I dodged around the bandit, bringing the low end of my staff up and knocking his axe up to deliver a kick to his gut. There was no power behind the blow, though, and we both stumbled backwards. I growled at him, darting in again and levelling the staff like a lance. The bandit panicked, swinging his axe wildly, and with a grunt I sacrificed my hold on my stick to disarm the bandit. Following my momentum I brought a fist down on the man's nose, smashing both it and my knuckles in the process. He fell backwards, and I kicked out at his knee, harder this time, my steel cap earning a sickening crack as his joint was dislocated.

In that time Chrom had already dealt with his two bandits, and Frederick was circling around for another pass. It looked like my plan had gone off without a hitch until Lissa screamed.

I spun, cursing internally for forgetting how the script played out.

"Get off! Get off me!" she shouted, batting ineffectually at the bandit leader with his one good arm wrapped around her.

"Shut up!" he roared, swinging his useless wounded arm around as he pressed his axe's blade to Lissa's cheek.

He looked up at Chrom and Frederick and ignoring me, breathing erratically as blood-loss started to take effect.

"Okay, so here's how this'll work," he grunted, dragging Lissa back a few more paces. "She's gonna heal me arm. Then, I'm takin' her with me as insurance, and if either of you even twitch at me, she becomes a whole lot less pretty!"

Lissa's eyes widened at the threat, the axe blade pressing into her flesh a little harder now.

"Foul knave!" Frederick shouted, bringing his horse around and preparing to charge again.

Chrom stopped him with an arm outstretched, glaring daggers at the bandit.

"Counter-proposal," I said, breathing heavier than I remembered as the adrenaline faded. "She heals you, then you take me as a hostage. I'll go quietly, just let her go."

"Ben, wait-" Chrom started before I cut him off with a look.

I got this, my look said.

"Well?" I growled at the bandit. "You're about to bleed out. I'd think a little f.u.c.k.i.n.g faster if I were you, or you'll just end up dead anyway."

The bandit swayed a little on his feet, shaking his head a little before nodding assent.

"Go ahead Lissa," I urged the girl.

Lissa nodded, bravely blinking back her tears and holding her staff up. The wound on the bandit's arm closed, and he flexed his hand a little before releasing his hold on Lissa and foolishly rushing me, clearly intending to kill me and take Lissa hostage anyway.

Which was exactly what I'd been hoping he'd do.

Grinning with confidence and malice that I honestly had no idea the source of, I stepped into his charge and brought my forehead down on his face, Jack Reacher style. Stars danced before my vision again and I'm pretty sure I blacked out a little, but I managed to keep my faculties about me long enough to send the bandit sprawling with another right hook for good measure.

"Ow…" I muttered, holding my bruised forehead with what I was sure was a broken hand and stumbling backwards.

I felt a breeze on my shoulder now, and looked at the new red hole in my shirt. Apparently I'd acted too slowly and the bandit's attack had gotten to me when I'd come at him. So, in addition to my splitting headache, I was bleeding again. Which is, of course, never a good thing.

Chrom and Frederick both rushed past me to where Lissa had collapsed, staring at the unconscious bandit leader with wide, teary eyes.

"I'm fine, by the way!" I called after them, falling backwards into a sitting position. "Not… bleeding or concussed or anything. I'll just sit here. Injured. Ow."

Chrom looked over his shoulder and laughed, shaking his head as he said something to Lissa. I was starting to drift in and out of consciousness at that point, so I couldn't really catch what anyone around me was saying. However, I had learned an important lesson: just because some guy in a book can headbutt everything that moves without so much as losing a brain-cell doesn't mean I could, too. Honestly, at that moment I was pretty sure I had just forgotten how to math.

Lissa gave a nod and climbed to her feet with Frederick's assistance before rushing over to my side. She held her staff over me again and shut her eyes, and I instantly felt my headache beginning to fade.

By the time she was done I was back on my feet and back to feeling totally out of place.

"Er… thank you… for saving me," Lissa mumbled, looking down before she stepped back to let Chrom through.

Her sheer moé-levels almost gave me another asthma attack then and there, but I managed to hold it in and give her a small smile in response.

"Your fighting style is unique," Chrom said with a grin, interrupting my moment with his sister. "It's obviously not one made for war, though. Where did you say you were from?"

"Kansas," I deadpanned, knowing that no one present would get the Wizard of Oz reference.

Chrom blinked as I sighed.

"I'm from someplace far away from here," I explained. "I don't know if I can get back, and before anyone says anything: yes, that guy is most definitely a Plegian guerrilla."

I ended my statement by pointing to the unconscious and bleeding bandit lying face up on the stones, desperately trying to change the subject.

"I was… just about to say that…" Frederick mumbled, looking down at me.

"How do you…?" Chrom started before I shrugged.

If I was going to be stuck here like I thought I was, I'd have to ham it up. I'd have to take Robin's place until he turned up, or I f.u.c.k.i.e.d things up so royally I got dead. Fortunately, the storyline of Awakening was rather simple, so I didn't doubt I could get it that wrong if things stayed at this difficulty level.

"What can I say? I'm kind of a tactician," I said with confidence I really did not feel.

Honestly, as familiar with Fire Emblem as I was, literally the only other strategy games I'd played were Valkyria Chronicles and 40k Squad Command. Fortunately, though, if this really was like a video game I had all that prior knowledge of Awakening's gameplay mechanics and script and…

At that point a thought occurred to me. I knew the plot of the story. I knew the exact plot of the story, like the back of my hand after writing gratuitous amounts of fan-fiction for it.

I… I would be unstoppable.

I WAS A GOD. I WAS OMNIPOTENT. I WAS-

"An incredibly foul-mouthed tactician," Frederick grumbled, crossing his arms and bringing me back to reality.

"What can I say?" I chuckled and shrugged, grinning. "I grew up in a rough neighbourhood."

"Well, you risked your life standing beside us today," Chrom said with another easy grin. "Is there any way we can repay you?"

I stood there for a moment, lost in thought and ignoring the way that some of the braver villagers were beginning to peek out of the church.

I needed to get them to take me back to Ylisstol with them. On the road when we were attacked by Risen would be when Chrom makes up his mind to take Robin on as the tactician, so that's what I had to make happen. I'd already royally f.u.c.k.i.e.d up my entrance, though, so it was time to get creative.

"I need maps if I want to get home," I said after a pause. "Not of Ylisse. Of everything. The entire world. And access to someone familiar with teleportation magic and theory, too."

I hoped that had sounded as smart out loud as it did in my head, and judging from the impressed looks on everyone's faces, it had worked.

"We… have some maps you can look at back in Ylisstol," Chrom offered. "And there may be a mage there that can help you."

I nodded, Chrom no doubt referring to Miriel.

"Can… you bring me there?" I asked sheepishly. "I wasn't kidding before when I said I was lost."

This was apparently funny, judging from the way Chrom burst into laughter.

"We were just on our way back, so why not?" he said once his laughter had died down.

Around us now the villagers seemed to be getting a handle on the fire, meaning we wouldn't be needed here. I glanced up as an old man, obviously the elder if I was remembering the game's story correctly, approached us.

"Milords! Milords!" the old man said, straight from the game script. "Please milords, we're a simple village, but we would be honoured to host you tonight! Give us a few hours and we can have a royal feast prepared for you all as thanks!"

Fredrick shook his head. "While we appreciate the offer, we really must continue on to our destination with all due haste."

Lissa, however, had other plans; straight from the script.

"Dark meat for me, please, medium-well done, no salt in the soup… Wait, Fredrick, what?"

I snickered along with Chrom, watching the real-life comedy unfolding in front of me. It was one thing to read the speech on a screen, but it was an entirely different matter watching Lissa's crestfallen face as she realised she'd be camping again.

I was, and still am, a firm believer in schadenfreude. What? I have Germanic roots.

"While we cannot join your feast, perhaps there is something you can do for our courageous friend here," Chrom said, placing another hand on my shoulder.

I had to try very hard not to twitch. I really, really didn't like being touched.

"Anything, milord, anything," the elder said, bowing.

"Clothes, I assume?" I asked the blue-haired prince over my shoulder.

Chrom grinned and nodded.

"Alright then," I said, pulling at my ruined shirt. "I'll need a new shirt, and a jacket or something to go over it if I'm going to be travelling again."

Another thought occurred to me as I glanced down at my bruised knuckles.

"And… farming gloves," I said, looking back up at the village elder with a confident grin. "Big, thick-ass leather gloves if you have them."

Chrom, Lissa and Frederick gave me a questioning glance as the elder rushed off to collect the clothes for me. I shrugged, wordlessly holding up my bruised hands.

Chrom nodded knowingly, grinning a little as Lissa went back to pestering Frederick about staying the night. It was quite possibly the cutest thing I'd ever seen, but if she ever pestered me like that I'd lose my shit in twenty-seconds flat.

The elder returned quickly, holding a bundle of cloth which I assumed were my new clothes.

"Here you are, milord," he said, bowing his head and offering me up the clothes.

"I'm no-one's lord, mate," I laughed, pulling the rags that had once been my favourite shirt off over my head.

The plain linen shirt he gave me was way, way too big, but it was better than walking around half-n.a.k.e.d, so I pulled it on over my head and gave the elder a grateful nod.

"I have the gloves and coat you asked for, too, sir," the old man said, holding out more clothes. "The finest in the village! A thank you for saving us."

The gloves were perfect; they reached halfway up to my elbows, were thick enough to offer my knuckles a modic.u.m of protection when I started hitting things, and…

A black coat.

A knee-length black-dyed woollen coat was presented to me as well. Taking the garment I let out a laugh, pulling it on over my new shirt and tucking the gloves into a pocket.

Apparently the universe really did want me to play Robin's part.

F.u.c.k you, universe, I cursed mentally, grinning as I brushed invisible dust off my new lapels in a small show for my three new traveling companions.

That evening we all sat around the campfire, and I was quiet as I tried to process what had happened that day, the haunch of bear in my hands going ignored and uneaten as it cooled.

Point one: I was inside a video game, ala Legend of Neil. Except this was a lot less funny so far.

Point two: I was supposedly a tactician and, if things were going the way I thought they were, I was about to get my first job over here. That being said, given my track record with jobs in the last year I'd only have it for a short time, but hopefully I could find out how to get home before that.

Point three: I had killed at least two dudes today, maybe more. With zero consequences. In fact, I had been rewarded for it. And I did not know how to feel about that. I was still confused. I would liken the feeling to the first time you get laid. Did that really happen? Was that really me? Did I really do that? That kind of feeling.

"Er… Ben?" Chrom said kindly from across the fire. "Are you alright? You're not eating. It really doesn't taste as bad as Frederick and Lissa make out."

I glanced up, looking at the two concerned and one suspicious face looking at me. Right, right… Robin's meant to be stuffing his face at this point. I grinned as I took a huge bite out of the meat. I actually liked gamey meat; I was a huge fan of deer and kangaroo, and bear actually wasn't that different. Tastes like shit, but the texture is similar.

"It's pretty good," I said once I'd swallowed, trying not to laugh at the horrified faces Frederick and Lissa were making.

"See?" Chrom said in that familiar older brother tone to Lissa. "You're just far too delicate to enjoy a robust flavour like this."

The blonde woman huffed, moving over to where I was sitting in the dirt and crouching down at my side.

"Ignore my brother, I am not delicate," she grumbled as Frederick and Chrom began to talk about something on the other side of the fire. "Now lift up you shirt and let me check where I healed you earlier."

I nodded, remembering that clerics weren't just mages; they were full-blown healers. Or at least I wrote them as such, anyway.

"He doesn't mean anything by it," I assured the girl as I shrugged my coat off.

Lissa scoffed as she yanked my shirt up, gently prodding at my ribs with her fingertips.

"How would you know?" she asked distractedly.

"Because I have two baby-brothers, too," I shrugged.

Not that I knew then if I'd ever see them again, but hey; I'd lived with both of them for twenty years, so I had the experience at the very least.

"Really?" Lissa asked, moving to check my shoulder. "Are they jerks too?"

I let out an involuntary laugh, making Lissa draw back and give me a funny look.

"No, I'm the oldest so I'm kinda the jerk," I chuckled, lowering my shirt again.

"Great," Lissa deadpanned, giving my shoulder one last prod before moving back to sit at my side.

"Don't worry," I assured her. "If he's anything like me he's just being a d.i.c.k to show his love. Us guys are a complicated sort."

We sat in silence for a little while, me trying to work out my thoughts while unconsciously eating the meat still in my hand, and Lissa no doubt ruminating on the day, too.

I kept coming back to the fact that I'd killed a man. Two men, at least, I reminded myself. I'd ended two lives, and I simply reasoned it away as them being NPCs. Even though this wasn't a game, even though this was real-life, I still told myself that the men I'd killed were NPCs. And it helped.

Now all I had to worry about was getting home. Until I figured out something better, I would simply go with the game's story. Naga has the power to transport people dimension to dimension, so I assumed my best bet would be getting up to the point where we would meet here.

Right at end-game, three years from that point in the forest. Damn. So much for that plan…

But… Did I really want to go home?

"Tell us about where you're from," Chrom said across the fire, cutting into my thoughts again.

"Yeah!" Lissa agreed excitedly. "I wanna hear about your hometown!"

Alarm bells started ringing in my head, making me wonder just how much I could tell them.

"It's…" I started, groping for the right words. "Hot. Tropical where I live; there's lots of rainforest a few hours north, lots of green and water. It's a really beautiful place, to tell the truth. I'm really lucky I live there. But if you travel for a few hours inland it gets dry and dusty. And even hotter. The people are… well, like people everywhere. There are some nice ones and some assholes."

Lissa and Chrom both nodded, enraptured.

"What's it called?" Frederick asked coldly.

"Australia," I shrugged. "It's an island nation in the south. I doubt it's even on any of your maps."

Frederick scoffed, unimpressed.

"How'd you get here, then?" Lissa asked curiously.

"I honestly have no idea," I shrugged, hamming it up again. "Hence why I want to travel to Ylisstol and figure some things out. I'm totally lost."

"Yet you seem to have a fair amount of knowledge of the surrounding area," Frederick grunted.

"Enough with the interrogation, Frederick," Chrom sighed. "I… believe his story. I don't know why, but I feel like we can trust him."

"I ain't getting home unless you trust me," I added, grinning at Frederick. "So if you guys ever need an extra set of hands, I'm down for whatever."

Chrom blinked at me for a moment before grinning.

"I assume that was an offer of aid should we need it?"

"Yeah, let's go with that," I sighed, running a hand over my stubble again. "Just ignore my regional slang."

"I like it!" Lissa said suddenly. "It's really interesting! But I still can't figure out what 'f.u.c.k' means."

I choked a little on my bear, coughing at the sight of such an innocent girl saying such a serious profanity.

"Okay, firstly that is a serious curse word and you should never say it. Ever. On the hierarchy of swears where I come from, it's tied at number two," I told her quickly. "Secondly, owing to its versatility it is also my favourite word."

Lissa's eyes went wide as she clapped her hands over her mouth, Chrom and Frederick bursting into laughter at the sight.

"So… what does it mean?" a red-faced Lissa asked sheepishly once the other two stopped laughing.

"Do you really want to know?" I asked, taking another bite of my rapidly dwindling bear.

Lissa nodded. I looked up to Chrom, who shrugged helplessly, grinning like a bastard.

"Short answer is that it means 'intercourse'. Long answer is… well, sit back and let me explain to you the magic of how one word can be a noun, adjective, verb and adverb all at once!" I declared, downing the rest of my bear all in one go to free up my hands for explanation.

I loved giving this lecture.

Later that night I sat with my back against a tree, looking out over our small campsite and pretending to sleep. I knew what was coming, and with a certain level of excitement was sitting, waiting for Chrom to get up for his walk.

Lucina was coming, and I was ready to squeal like a Hiddleston-fangirl at Comic-Con.

Still, though, I was wondering how in the hell I was going to get home. Not that home held any particular allure for me. In fact, if things went well here, I kind of wanted to stay. Back IRL I didn't have a lot going for me, to be honest. Crap jobs, debt up to my eye-balls, half-finished degree which had been that way for a lot longer than it should have… But here, I could be the Shepherds' tactician. I could be Robin, save the world, kick some serious ass, and get with my pick of whichever Awakening waifu I wanted! I had all my favourite girls' support conversations memorised, anyway, so all I had to do was keep an eye out for the right flags. But… I'd only get one play-through. I had to choose carefully, or I'd screw up, or worse, get stuck with a wife that didn't actually compliment my… abrasive personality. So Olivia was probably out. So was, to a lesser extent, Cordelia. I drank, swore, and showed a total lack of respect for any and all authority. That probably wouldn't go down well with either of them. Sumia… I'd rather see shipped with Chrom. Lissa I could see doing, but… I'd really rather not marry into royalty if I was going to hang around. Too many rules. Tharja was a great fall-back plan, though. She was supposed to worship the ground I walked on, right? Plus, to quote Harvest Scramble's script, she was the 'boingiest' in the army. I found myself pointedly ignoring her more yandere-traits then as I fantasized.

Right, I decided. I'm going to play the Tharja route!

…

I stopped at that point, reflecting on the fact I was mixing digital and real-life up again. This was going to become a seriously bad habit if I wasn't careful.

I snorted, snapping back to wakefulness as I realised that I had drifted off during my thoughts of routes and flag rising. Chrom and Lissa were already wandering off into the forest, which meant it was almost show-time.

"Hey," I whispered to Frederick.

The big knight let out a soft snore, ignoring me and rolling onto his side. I glanced over my shoulder, and sure enough Chrom and Lissa had already disappeared into the dark forest.

"Frederick, wake the f.u.c.k up, bro," I whispered a little louder this time.

The ground shook a little, the trees swaying overhead.

Already!? I wondered, throwing subtlety to the wind as I pulled my new gloves on.

"Frederick, wake. The f.u.c.k. Up!" I shouted, giving the knight's armoured back a good kick for emphasis.

Frederick shot to a sitting position as the earth started to quake again, and I fell flat on my arse. He looked at me with a gambit of expressions playing across his face before finally settling on mild irritation mixed with concern for his charges.

"Where are-"

"In the forest!" I cut him off, climbing to my feet before pulling him to his. "Get your butt on that horse and find them! Now!"

He nodded, once again his sense of duty to Chrom and Lissa no doubt saving me from getting my teeth punched in for being a rude prick, and leapt up into his saddle. He cast one look at me before urging his horse over in my direction, the charger calm despite the shaking and the smell of smoke that was starting to reach us.

"Get on," he said simply.

"I… how?"

Frederick rolled his eyes, grabbing me by the scruff and dropping me behind him. I squirmed around a bit, trying to get comfortable before he dug his heels in and we were off. I'm not ashamed to say that I was nervous for being on a horse for the first time, but it wasn't as bad as I expected. Until the horse jumped a fallen log I didn't see in time to brace for, and my balls were crushed beneath me, anyway.

"Argh, f.u.c.k this horse shit!" I shouted behind Frederick, much to the Knight's apparent amus.e.m.e.nt.

F.u.c.ker knew that would happen and was laughing his ass off at that point.

Before I could consider how best to get my revenge we came out into the clearing where Chrom, Lissa and holy-crap-balls-YES! Lucina-Marth were fighting Risen.

Chrom and 'Marth' killed the last one as we arrived, the time-traveler giving us a shocked glance before disappearing into the trees.

"Prepare to sortie!" I shouted, jumping off Frederick's absurdly high horse. "I'll be right back!"

"Ben, where are you… wait, where's the man…" Chrom asked, looking around the clearing in confusion before I disappeared into the forest after Lucina.

I pushed my way through the undergrowth, rushing in the direction I'd seen her go. Once I was sure I was far enough away I finally let my grin out and spun around in a circle.

"Oh Princess!" I called out in a sing-song voice. "I know you're here, I know your secret, and I want your he~elp. "

There was no answer, and I shrugged.

"Princess! Lucina!" I shouted, my voice still light.

It was at that point that a scowling Lucina-Marth, parallel-Falchion in hand, stepped out from behind a tree to glare at me from behind her mask.

"How do you know-" she started, her manner very threatening before I cut her off.

"Later," I said, stepping towards her and, despite my better judgement, into her striking zone. "Right now, I want your help defending your father and Aunt from the Risen. Skinny ass front and center, woman. Now."

"How…" she breathed, her voice becoming much more feminine as her Marth persona dropped.

"I'm a prophet, I'm a genius, call me whatever," I snapped. "Risen incoming. Come back with me, help me fight, and then we'll talk. Okay? Trust me, I'm apparently here for the same reason you are."

Lucina proceeded to stare at me for a moment before nodding woodenly.

"Good, this way," I said, spinning on my heel, dashing back out to the forest clearing.

A clearing that was now swarming with Risen.

"Holy crap where did all these guys come from!?" I shouted, skidding on my heels.

"They always move in packs," Lucina-Marth stated, her voice deeper again as she stepped out behind me.

At that point I figured it would just be easier to think of them as two completely different people.

"That was… not fun," I gasped, hands on my knees as I sucked in air like a drowning man.

"Pfft. Pansy," Sully, having shown up earlier with Virion right on cue, said scornfully.

I flipped her the bird, a hand gesture whose meaning was obviously lost on her, before finally drawing myself back up to my full height.

"Are you well, my newest friend?" Virion asked me, his weird speech already starting to piss me off.

They had come in out of nowhere, plugging the hole in our flank I had purposely left open. Much to everyone else's amazement. I think, judging from the looks I was getting from Chrom and Lissa, that I was in as the Shepherds' tactician. And, judging from the way that 'Marth' kept staring at me, she believed me now, too.

"I'm fine, Ruffles," I said, doing my best to slow my breathing and trying out the fan-favourite nickname I'd always wanted to.

"Ruffles?" Virion repeated in a hurt tone while the others around him snickered at his expense.

"Are you okay?" Lissa asked in a kind voice, hurrying to my side. "Is it your lungs again?"

I nodded, grinning at being fussed over by such a cute girl.

"Alas, I race to the rescue and am spurned and scorned while the newcomer is treated as a king among commoners by the most beauteous of princesses!" Virion lamented loudly, theatrically holding his hand to his brow.

I went to retort something, my words lost in the wheeze that followed before I started coughing.

"He has weak lungs," Lissa snapped irritatedly. "And yet he still fought alongside us, while someone m.o.a.ned the other day they wanted to rest their tired feet rather than go on patrol!"

I couldn't help but grin as Virion cleared his throat awkwardly and muttered something, shuffling away in defeat. Lissa, who could apparently be quite the bad-ass herself when she wanted to be, pressed another vulenary vial into my hands, which I uncorked with my teeth and downed in one go, the thick liquid almost making me gag.

Once I finished I took a deep, shuddering breath and looked down at Lissa appreciatively.

"Thanks, Princess," I said, stepping around her. "I'll make it up to you later. Why don't we go and save your brother from the awkwardness over there?"

Lissa nodded and giggled a little bit, falling in at my shoulder and following me to where Chrom and 'Marth' were awkwardly staring at each other.

"Hey-hey-hey," I greeted them. "What's crackin?"

"What?" Chrom asked, tilting his head curiously.

"It means 'hello, what's going on'," I explained with a sigh.

"I was just speaking to…" Chrom started, trailing off when he realised that he didn't know the stranger's name.

"You may call me Marth," Lucina said, her voice pitched low.

I grinned as the scene from the game played out before me, almost exactly word for word. However there was a change from the usual script as she stepped up to me.

"I would speak with you in private now, tactician," she said to me, practically dragging me off into the forest.

"Argh, hey, easy!" I complained, struggling to keep my exhausted feet beneath me.

Lissa and Chrom exchanged confused glances as they watched the stranger drag me off, but made no move to help after I gave them the universal 'everything is okay' symbol that is the thumbs-up. They watched us disappear with worry etched on their faces until I lost sight of them in the trees.

As Lucina dragged me into the forest a few of the other Shepherds glanced up curiously when we passed. We went deep into the forest, stopping only when we could no longer hear the voices of the others.

"This far enough yet?" I asked, annoyance clear in my tone as I readjusted my new coat.

"Explain yourself," she demanded, her voice reverting back to its usual feminine timbre as she rounded on me. "Who are you? How do you know the things you do?"

"Will you relax already?" I sighed, gingerly pulling off my gloves. "I already told you I'm on your side."

I hissed as the rough gloves brushed my brutalised knuckles; apparently hitting things repeatedly left your fists raw and bruised. Who would have guessed? For some weird reason the vullenaries didn't go as far as my hands, either.

"That is not good enough," Lucina insisted, her hand dropping to her sword. "You will answer me directly. Now."

I rolled my eyes, recalling that I was speaking to yet another member of the nobility. Deciding that, with her knowledge of time-travel this wouldn't be too hard for her to swallow, I opted for total disclosure.

"You're from the future, yeah?" I asked, to which Lucina woodenly nodded. "Well, I'm apparently from a different world altogether."

I waited to see how she handled that information, however she scoffed and crossed her arms.

"Preposterous," she said.

"How is that weirder than traveling back in time?" I asked with a shrug. "Believe me or don't, I don't really care. But I have a sneaking suspicion that the only way for me to get home is through Grima."

Obviously this had startled Lucina, as she sucked a quick breath in and dropped her arms.

"How do you…?"

"I already told you," I groaned. "I know everything. Now, do me a favour and go to Regna Ferox. Beat Lon'qu, become Basilio's champion for Western Regna Ferox in the tournament."

Lucina quirked her head in much the same way her father had.

"What? Why would I do that?" she asked, confused.

"Trust me," I assured her. "There's an order to these things. Just go do it and things will work out fine."

"How do I know that you're not simply trying to get me away from my Father's side to murder him yourself?" she asked suspiciously.

"Because without him I'm not getting home!" I snapped, my temper getting the better of me.

It had been a long day; I'd killed at least three people, been stabbed, chopped and beaten; not to mention I hadn't slept yet and the fact that the vulenary I'd just drank didn't seem to be working on my fists very fast…

Apparently I hadn't yet decided if I was going to stay here, either.

Lucina reeled from my abrupt change in tone, surprised by the viciousness of my voice.

"Sorry," I mumbled, running a hand over my bald head. "It's… been a long day."

Lucina nodded, looking around before reaching up and taking off her mask.

"I… understand," she said, looking at me with piercing blue eyes. "But I do not know if I can trust you."

"I need you," I said openly, without preamble. "Without you or your father, I'm not getting home and this, all of this, falls to pieces. Trust me, please."

Lucina's eyes widened a little at my plea, but she nodded.

"I sense no malicious intent in your words," she said after a moment. "But…"

"Tag along until Ylisstol if you want, then," I shrugged. "You're going to interfere with the timeline anyway, so you may as well come with us for a while."

She gave me a strange, penetrating look for a moment before placing her mask back on over her eyes and shaking her head.

"I will secretly shadow your group until you reach the Capital," she declared, her voice returning to the lower pitch of her Marth persona.

"Whatever," I sighed, giving up and turning to walk back to the others. "If you get hungry come find me. I'll share my rations with you, at the least."

Lucina nodded, watching as I brushed through the forest back towards the rest of the Shepherds. Hopefully I could get a few hours sleep in before we moved out… I was beat.