Chapter 296 - The Most Factor In A Relationship Is Not Communication, But Respect[4]

"What I can tell you is the #1 thing . . . is respect. It's not s.e.x.u.a.l attraction, looks, shared goals, religion or lack of, nor is it love. There are times when you won't feel love for your partner. But you never want to lose respect for your partner. Once you lose respect, you will never get it back."

– Laurie

As I scanned through the hundreds of responses I received, I began to notice an interesting trend: People who had been through divorces almost always talked about communication being the most important part of making things work. Talk frequently. Talk openly. Talk about everything, even if it hurts.

And there is some merit to that (which I'll get to later).

But I noticed that the thing people with happy marriages going on 20, 30, or even 40 years talked about most was respect.

My sense is that these people, through sheer quantity of experience, have learned that communication–no matter how open, transparent, and disciplined–will break down at some point. Conflicts are pretty much unavoidable and feelings will always be hurt.

And the only thing that can save you and your partner, that can cushion you both to the hard landing of human fallibility, is an unerring respect for one another. It's crucial that you hold each other in high esteem, believe in one another — often more than you each believe in yourselves — and trust that your partner is doing his/her best with what they've got.

Without that bedrock of respect, you will begin to doubt each other's intentions. You will judge your partner's choices, and encroach on their independence. You will feel the need to hide things from one another for fear of criticism. And this is when the cracks in the edifice begin to appear.

"My husband and I have been together 15 years. I've thought a lot about what seems to be keeping us together, while marriages around us crumble (seriously, it's everywhere . . . we seem to be at that age). The one word that I keep coming back to is "respect." Of course, this means showing respect, but that is too superficial. Just showing it isn't enough. You have to feel it deep within you. I deeply and genuinely respect [my husband] for his work ethic, his patience, his creativity, his intelligence, and his core values. From this respect comes everything else – trust, patience, perseverance (because sometimes life is really hard and you both just have to persevere). I want to hear what he has to say (even if I don't agree with him) because I respect his opinion. I want to enable him to have some free time within our insanely busy lives because I respect how he spends his time and who he spends time with. And, really, what this mutual respect means is that we feel safe sharing our deepest, most intimate selves with each other."

– Nicole

As well as respecting your partner, you must also respect yourself (just as your partner must also respect his/herself). Because without that self-respect, you will not feel worthy of the respect afforded by your partner–you will be unwilling to accept it and you will find ways to undermine it. You will constantly feel the need to compensate and prove yourself worthy of love, which can only backfire.

Respect for your partner and respect for yourself are intertwined. As another reader put it:

"Respect yourself and your wife. Never talk badly to or about her. If you don't respect your wife, you don't respect yourself. You chose her – live up to that choice."

–Olav

So, what does respect look like?

Common examples given by many readers:

NEVER talk shit about your partner or complain about them to your friends. If you have a problem with your partner, you should be having that conversation with them, not with anyone else. Talking bad about your partner to others will erode your respect for them and make you feel worse about the relationship, not better.

Respect that they have different hobbies, interests, and perspectives. Just because you would spend your time and energy differently, doesn't mean it's better/worse.

Respect that they have an equal say in the relationship, that you are a team, and if one person on the team is not happy, then the team is not succeeding.

No secrets. If you're really in this together and you respect one another, everything should be fair game. Have a crush on someone else? Discuss it. Laugh about it. Had a weird s.e.x.u.a.l fantasy that sounds ridiculous? Be open about it. Nothing should be off-limits.