Chapter 297 - Talk Openly About Everything, Especially The Stuff That Hurts[5]

"We always talk about what's bothering us with each other, not [with] anyone else! We have so many friends who are in marriages that are not working well, and they tell me all about what is wrong. I can't help them–they need to be talking to their spouse about [it]. If you can figure out a way to be able to always talk with your spouse about what's bugging you then you can work on the issue."

– Ronnie

"There can be no secrets. Secrets divide you. Always."

– Tracey

I receive hundreds of emails from readers each week asking for life advice. A large percentage of these emails involve difficulties in romantic relationsh.i.p.s. (For what it's worth, these emails, too, are surprisingly repetitive.)

A couple years ago, I discovered that I was answering many of these relationship emails with the same response: "Take this email you just sent to me, print it out, and show it to your partner. Then come back and ask again."

(In fact, this response became so common that I actually put it on my contact form on the site because I was so tired of copying and pasting it.)

If something bothers you in the relationship, you must be willing to say it out loud. Doing so builds trust, and trust builds intimacy. It may hurt, but you still need to do it because no one else can fix your relationship for you. Just as causing pain to your muscles allows them to grow back stronger, introducing some pain into your relationship through vulnerability makes the relationship stronger.

Along with respect, trust was the most commonly mentioned trait crucial for a healthy relationship. Most people mentioned it in the context of jealousy and fidelity — trust your partner to go off on their own, don't get insecure or angry if you see them talking with someone else, etc.

But trust goes much deeper than whether or not someone is cheating or not. Because when you're really talking about the long-haul, you have to get into some serious life-or-death shit. If you learned you had cancer tomorrow, would you trust your partner to stick with you and take care of you? Would you trust your partner to care for your child for a week, or longer, by themselves? Do you trust them to handle your money or make sound decisions under pressure? Do you trust them to not turn on you or blame you when you screw up?

These are hard questions, and they're even harder to contemplate early on in a relationship. It's like, "Oh, I forgot my phone at her apartment, I trust her not to sell it and buy crack with the money… I think."

But the deeper the commitment, the more intertwined your lives become, and the more you will have to trust your partner to responsibly and take care of you.

If you cannot trust, you cannot be trusted. Distrust will breed distrust. If your partner is always snooping through your stuff, accusing you of doing things you didn't do, and questioning all of your decisions, naturally, you will start to question their intentions as well: Why is she so insecure? What if he is hiding something?

The key to fostering and maintaining trust in a relationship is for both partners to be completely transparent and vulnerable:

If something is bothering you, say something. This is important not only for addressing issues as they arise, but it proves to your partner that you have nothing to hide.

Those icky, insecure things you hate sharing with people? Share them with your partner. Not only is it healing, but you and your partner need to have a good understanding of each other's insecurities and the way you each choose to compensate for them.

Make promises and then stick to them. The only way to truly rebuild trust after it's been broken is through a proven track record over time. You cannot build that track record until you own up to previous mistakes and set about correcting them.

Learn to discern your partner's own shady behavior from your own insecurities (and vice-versa). This is a hard one and will likely require some form of confrontation. But in most relationship fights, one person thinks something is completely "normal" and the other thinks it's really grade-A "f.u.c.k.i.e.d up." It's often extremely hard to distinguish who is being irrational and insecure and who is being reasonable and merely standing up for themselves. Be patient in rooting out what's what, and when it's your big, gnarly insecurity (and sometimes it will be, trust me), be honest about it. Own up to it. And strive to be better.

Trust is like a china plate–if you drop it and it breaks, you can only put it back together with a lot of work and care. If you drop it and break it a second time, it will split into more pieces and it will require more time and care to put back together again. But drop and break it enough times, and it will shatter into so many pieces that you will never be able to put it back together again, no matter what you do.