CH 54

—”Li Wei, you have known me for so long, but you don’t know me at all.”

The youth was stumped after hearing this.

How could he not know her? 

Every move, every detail of her life, every smile and every tear, he would remember them again and again these past few nights.

It was the only way he could keep living.

He knew that she liked spicy food and preferred fried seafood over steamed seafood. She loved the sea and the beach at dusk. She always let out a gasp of joy when she saw it.

She used to frown when she did her homework. She would neatly write down every formula, row by row.

She liked singing and listening to music. Her favorite was slow swaying English country songs. She always listened to it when she did her homework.

She usually didn’t like to smile , but she liked to smile at him.

When she was sad, she used to squat on the ground, bury her head in her knees and cry. She looked like a little cat abandoned by her owner, curled up and trembling.

She…

He wanted to argue all these points, but was knocked down by her words.

He was completely defeated.

“Li Wei, you don’t know me at all. You don’t know how much I like you.”

“You have no idea how important you are in my life.”

She had been thinking about this for so many years. She finally said it this winter during the night she saw him again.

Zhang Man suddenly remembered that she had never said that she liked him properly except the day he confessed to her.

Before they got together, shewas worried about his mental state. She was afraid of overwhelming him and that he would be paranoid. She could only carefully control her feelings.

After getting together with him, she became deeply in love every day. As long as she was with him, she forgot everything and even forgot to say it. She was used to keeping her thoughts to herself, and expressing her feelings had always been hard for her.

But if she didn’t say it, it didn’t mean it didn’t exist.

She liked him a lot.

Her feelings for him had been a part of her for so many years. It was firmly set in her mind, flowing in her blood and buried in her heart.

Truthfully, the word “like” was too simple to describe her feelings.

Maybe it was because she gave him the illusion that she would be better off without him.

But how was that possible?

She put her hands on the youth’s shoulders and looked at his eyes firmly and gently.

“Boyfriend, I like you 1,000 times–10,000 times more than you think.”

After hearing her words, the youth twitched violently.

Even if his heart was still struggling and worried, it couldn’t stop the joy from overflowing.

His Man Man said that she liked him thousands of times more than he thought.

He clearly thought that as long as she liked him a little, or as long as she could accept that he liked her, he was blessed.

Zhang Man slightly smiled.

It was a silent night in the huge house. There were two people cuddling each other.

There were many things that could only be said in a safe atmosphere.

Her voice was gentle, saying things she had never said to anyone for so many years.

“I remember that after you came with me to Uncle Xu’s house that day, you asked me about me and my mother’s living situation when I was younger.”

“I didn’t say anything back then, but I’ll tell you now.”

“Before I met you, I was a different person.”

“When my mother gave birth to me, she was too young. She couldn’t take care of herself, so how could she take care of me?”

“I don’t have a father. When I was in elementary school, the teacher asked everyone to write an essay with the title “My Father”. All students had to write an essay on this topic.”

“And you know what? I made one up. I forgot what job I made up. It was probably a fireman or a doctor.”

“I was afraid of being different from everyone else. I was scared that the teacher would ask me about it in front of everyone, and that they would feel sympathy for me and notice me because of how I was different.”

“I didn’t like taking chances, and I didn’t like doing new things. I have always lived in my narrow comfort zone, and I couldn’t leave it. Nor did I want to.”

“I didn’t follow any celebrities, and I didn’t like talking to girls about which boy in the class was handsome and which boy was funny. Gossip had nothing to do with me.”

“I am not like you.  I have been excluded from my childhood for these reasons. I have never been able to blend in. Except for Chen Feier, I don’t have a strong relationship with everyone else. Everyone has their friend groups but I am used to having only one or two friends around me, which is better.”

“I am considered the ‘autistic child’ among my mother’s friends because I never said anything. My mom used to sing at a bar when I was young. I would just sit down and watch. I often wondered why my mother and I were so different.”

""

“She looked like the brightest star on the stage, and I… I always want to hide myself in the crowd all the time. I didn’t want to be in the spotlight, I didn’t want anyone to pay attention to me. The moment anyone looks at me, I become aware and I will become upset.”

“Do you still remember the National Day show that happened last semester? Chen Feier told me that boys might like girls who are talented. I had also asked you if you like the guitar, and you said you did. So, in order to impress you, I braced myself and signed up for the show. You didn’t know this, but on the day of the actual performance, the spotlight landed on my face and I looked at the crowd with my shaking hands on the guitar. Unfortunately, you didn’t come that day.”

When she said this, she pouted and glared at him.

Although she finally sang to him on the beach, she was a little disappointed that he didn’t come to the performance.

The youth hugged her, kissed her cheek to apologize and continued to listen to her.

“Also, I didn’t like physics before, but I know what you love most is physics. Every time you talk about physics, your eyes are full of stars like in the vast universe. Slowly, I also fell in love with this simple and powerful subject.”

Even when she was in college in her previous life, she chose this major that she was not really good at with determination.

“Chen Feier used to say that when she grew up, she would explore the world to make a living and experience the different beauty of every corner of the world. But I never dreamed of that. I even had thoughts back then about how tiring it would be to travel so far, so why not stay at home and watch tv? I wouldn’t need to worry about running into any accidents while traveling, and didn’t need to plan where I need to go today and tomorrow.”

“But after being with you, I sometimes think that when we have time, we must go to see the south of the Yangtze River in the continuous drizzle and the intoxicating spring breeze in Lake Baikal. I want to go see the sand covered loess plateaus with you, and walk with you by the Seine River. When we are tired, we lean against the railing and kiss. They say that many lovers will kiss there.”

“So, boyfriend, after I met you, I almost became a different person. I experienced love with you that I have never experienced before. Mhm, after I met you, I began to be curious about the world and love it.”

“The day you left me, I began to miss you.”

“The yearning and pain did not fade because of time, but became more and more intense.”

“Do you think that if I never find you for the rest of my life, that maybe decades later, when I become a little old lady, I will still live alone in a narrow comfort zone? And still be mediocre and uninteresting? That kind of life is dull, and I will be dreadfully unaccomplished.”

Just like in her previous life.

That was her.

There had never been great joy and sadness, only indifference. She had been hiding in a safe and hard shell all her life. Outsiders thought it seemed very normal. Only she knew that she was totally different from the rest of the world.

Yet, this kind of emotion did not reach the point of torment. It would not provoke her to not want to live, but everything alive would seem bland to her.

But not him.

He was the most special thing in her ordinary life.

He was the heart pounding sweetness in her dreams at night, the person she was waiting for a long time in her heart, and the reason her heart was electrified and her blood flowed.

Loving the right person would make a person experience a complete positive change.

How could he understand that?

She had to let him know.

She knew that he was full of hesitations about the world, and she knew that he might be depressed. He even had doubts about the meaning of life.

She really had to let him know.

Zhang Man raised her head and kissed his lips with tears forming in her eyes.

—”Boyfriend, don’t underestimate yourself or doubt your worth. You are the world to me.”