CH 30

***

“Abel, I’m sorry that Mother came to your room late last night. Did Jane put you to bed?”

Chloe asked while combing Abel’s hair with her fingers.

“No, it’s not a problem at all! Father is the one who put me to sleep.”

“Father?”

Chloe asked in surprise. When she went back to their bedroom, Abel was asleep.

“Yes!”

“I see…”

Chloe nodded steadily. It turned out that he left her to go to Abel’s bedroom last night. She couldn’t say anything, but complicated thoughts filled her head.

“Mother, you know what?”

“What?”

“Father likes everything about me!”

Abel smiled brightly and boasted. She thought he spent a meaningful time with his father last night.

“That must have been pleasant to hear, my son.”

Chloe smiled at the child. However, a bitter feeling that she failed to hide passed over her face for a brief moment.

Fortunately, the child didn’t notice his mother’s awkward smile because he was busy recalling the touching events of last night.

***

Leaving Chloe alone, Gerard headed for the bedroom where his son slept. He sent away Jane, who was reading a fairy tale book when he entered to attend to his wife, and laid down beside Abel.

“…Father?”

The child’s eyes were already drowsy.

“Yes, my son. Did Father wake you?”

Abel shook his head excitedly at Gerard’s question. Once he nodded, he began patting Abel’s round belly without saying anything.

How long had it been? He struggled to speak.

“Abel, Father… I’m so thankful that you’re my son.”

Honestly, he had no idea what he was supposed to say to the child. What would ideal parents say to their children in this kind of situation? He had no idea because he neither experienced it or learned about it before.

Therefore, he decided to convey his thoughts as they were.

“It’s a good thing that Abel has blonde hair that resembles mine, and it’s even better that you have blue eyes, which resemble your mother. It’s a wonderful thing that Abel is a boy, and it’s good that you want to be a knight just like me. It’s a good thing when you decide to try things alone without help from others, and it’s so cute when you puff up your cheeks when I tease you.”

Before he realized it, Abel was looking at his father with wide eyes. Gerard continued while maintaining eye contact with his son.

“It’s okay to be a little timid, or soft-hearted which makes you unable to overlook pitiful things, it’s fine to be reasonably picky, and it’s acceptable to obtain a low score in math despite being good at everything else. Oh, and it’s good to have a competitive spirit. Uhm, also…”

Gerard counted on his fingers while listing off good things about Abel. From a certain point on, he was saying that not only Abel’s strengths, but his shortcomings were good. However, what could he do? Even the child’s shortcomings were still considered good and didn’t really feel like shortcomings.

‘Did I say too many things?’

Gerard regretted it for a moment. He should have said it in a nicer way.

He used to fly about in society with fancy talk, but he didn’t know when he became so clumsy when talking about his inner thoughts. Certainly, it was awkward and difficult to say what he was thinking about.

“Father…”

Abel was moved to tears, overshadowing his worries. The lovely child rubbed his cheek against his father’s shoulder. It was because he felt the sincerity in those rough remarks. They were just poorly arranged sentences, but what was contained in them was warm affection. Gerard whispered softly in his son’s ear.

“Abel… Father likes everything about Abel.”

“Me too! I love the fact that Father is my Father!”

Gerard kissed his son’s forehead, who responded with unblemished affection even though his words were clumsy.

The kiss held a lot of meanings. He was guilty towards the child who had been heartbroken by his slip of tongue. Love for his only son.

Not only that, but also the noble determination that he would never hurt his child how his parents hurt him.

***

When Chloe heard an unexpected story from Abel in the carriage, she felt complicated. Gerard, who was outside the carriage, was just as much a mess as she was.

-I know you don’t love me! However, why Abel? Why do you make Abel feel like he isn’t loved? What on earth did you say to him?! He’s your son!

His wife’s voice, who retorted that he didn’t love her last night, lingered in his ears. He was slightly irritated to be faced with another unanswered matter again.

‘Love…’

He even wanted to ask others. What is this d*mn nuisance called love? If what he was doing was not considered love, then what on earth is love?

He was putting her first in respect, care, consideration, and even pressing down his own feelings. And yet, if this wasn’t love… He didn’t know anymore. Love that makes the whole world sing? It was simply too difficult for him.

Was it because the word love had never meant anything positive in Gerard’s life? In fact, he was one of the few people in the world who couldn’t understand why people praised love as beautiful.

In his life, love was nothing more than twisted obsession, suffocating control, and a burden to others.

-If your eyes were blue, I would have loved you more.

-Do you want to be loved? Then you have to do something which makes you deserve to be loved, Gerard.

-You like me? …Actually, that makes me feel greatly pressured. Sorry.

Gerard shook his head faintly at the pieces of the past that crept up in his mind. He tried to pull himself from the past. But the more he did so, the more memories entangled themselves with him. As if it was a swamp that he couldn’t escape from.

***

Gerard’s family was normal. No, it was only Gerard who thought his family was normal.

His family was similar to other nobles who were involved in political marriages.

He didn’t want to pretend to be hurt and pity himself, as there were a lot of things that he had enjoyed until now. However, the weird thing in his family was that there was a large picture of a dead man in his mother’s room. Her mother, Helena, was originally his uncle’s fiancée.

His father’s brother, Raphael Blanchett, was a promising young Marquis. He didn’t only excel in politics and economics, but also as a swordsman. His bright blonde hair and blue eyes were said to have driven the young women in society at that time.

Helena was the woman who took the position of his fiancée. She was proud of that fact and loved him wholeheartedly.

But death doesn’t distinguish between people. The spirit of the precious Marquis couldn’t avoid death. Raphael Blanchett died at an early age due to an infectious disease that circulated in the territory.

It was the beginning of a tragedy. Raphael’s death changed a lot of things.

His half-brother, Daniel Blanchett, who was overshadowed by him, quickly became the Marquis. Helena’s marriage partner naturally changed from Raphael to Daniel. It was because of the greed from the older generation who couldn’t give up relations with her family.

Daniel and Helena were always on bad terms. Helena couldn’t forget Raphael, and Daniel was suffocated to see that Helena remained that way.

It wasn’t easy to love a woman who saw his dead brother through him. Daniel turned cold to his family as if he had fulfilled his duty after Helena had a child.

Helena’s condition became increasingly serious after giving birth. At that time, she cried just seeing her own child, and even left him in the garden, alone, during the dead of night. In the end, Gerard was left entirely in the hands of his nanny.

Helena’s symptoms gradually got better. However, she had one bad habit that couldn’t be fixed.

“Oh, Ger. If only your eyes were blue… If you had blue eyes that resembled Raphael… I could have loved you more!”

Whenever she was drunk, she would visit her child to relieve her sorrow. One day, she lamented that she wished Gerard’s eyes were blue.

“Those eyes! Get those eyes out of my sight! Don’t look at me with eyes that resemble your father!”

One day, she screamed at Gerard’s green eyes, saying it was frightening.

Gerard, who was young at that time, thought it was all because of his eyes.

The green eyes which were loved the most by Chloe, were originally one of his least favorite things.

***

“My Lord, it would be nice to have lunch and rest in the vacant lot ahead.”

Sir Aiden’s voice brought Gerard back to reality.

“…Yes, we can do that.”

Aiden sighed inwardly while looking at Gerard, who seemed absent. It was obvious that the couple had a fight. It would be even more peculiar not to know from the Madame’s swollen face or the Lord, who only sighed with a dazed expression.

‘No, but I… Sigh.’

In fact, he had no intention of interfering in his Lord’s marital issues. Why would he want to do something for the two? However, it was frustrating to watch his Lord circling his wife’s carriage several times.

“Lady Jane.”

Aiden called Jane, who was carrying a meal for the Madame.

“Yes?”

“You’re carrying the Madame and young Master’s meal with you, right? Give it to me. I’ll bring it to them.”

“Pardon? But…”

Jane seemed reluctant upon hearing Aiden’s words. She couldn’t understand why the Knight Commander was trying to take her job.

“Oh, it’s nothing! I’m just trying to hand it to the Lord so that he has an excuse to eat with Madame!”

“Oh…”

When Aiden hurriedly explained, Jane finally understood the situation. She was, in fact, the one who witnessed the Blanchett couple’s fight the closest.

She knew how sorrowfully the Madame was crying in the room where the Lord ordered her to go last night. She despised the Lord for no reason. Even so, she knew how fond her Madame was of the Lord, so she wanted them to make up quickly.

“Yes, Sir. Please give it to the Lord.”

“Thank you, Lady Jane.”

Aiden picked up the meal brought by Jane and headed to the Lord.

“My Lord.”

“?”

“Here’s the meals for you, Madame, and the young Master.”

“Why did you bring me this?”

Aiden gently pushed Gerard’s back and spoke rather awkwardly.

“It’s just, Lady Jane has rode in the carriage for a long time, so she got motion sickness. Therefore, I’m bringing it to you instead, but come to think of it! Wouldn’t it be better for the Lord to bring it to them rather than a clunky fellow like me?”

Gerard examined Aiden’s face and took Chloe and Abel’s meal into his arms.

“It can’t be helped.”

“Yes, you thought about it well.”

Aiden laughed and held back what he wanted to say.

‘Go and say that you’re sorry.’