Volume 4, 18 [Parent And Child]

Volume 4, Chapter 18 [Parent And Child]

――He felt his head clearing up.

The chorus of agony up to now that had been ripping him apart subsided, and now, there was only one thing on Subaru’s mind――the resolve to face his father in front of him.

[Subaru: I do. Have someone I like]

Once more, he repeated his answer to that question.

Putting it to his lips again, Subaru felt his heart beginning to walk forward.

In front of his eyes, hearing that confession, Kenichi blinked several times before noticing how abrupt that statement sounded,

[Dad: .......Is that so]

Speaking in a quiet voice, he listened to Subaru’s words.

That attitude was like a salvation. There were people who were willing to listen, Subaru must have already known this, yet he had only ever kept it to himself.

Now, he intended to bring an end to it.

――Because there is someone behind me, pushing me on.

[Subaru: That’s right. I am not the child who only curls up in a room anymore]

He didn’t know exactly how much he had changed.

The no longer a child part might be stretching it a bit, for he was still aware of how childish he was.

The courage to hold his head high, the resolve to face his weakness, the determination to no longer run from unpleasant situations, it seemed he hadn’t acquired any of it, after all.

He was simply someone worse than a child, finally admitting that he was a child.

And even that, he couldn’t have realized by himself.

The silver visage that appeared within his mind, sent a sweetness into Subaru’s heart.

It was a radiance that brought warmth to the stagnating Subaru, who had long been frozen in place.

Silver――was supposed to be a color of coldness, but to Subaru now, it was a source of endless warmth and the strength to march forward. As though mesmerized by this heat,

[Subaru: What was I so afraid of, that I had to curl up like a ball, I remember all of it now. ――No, I already knew long ago. I knew, but I pretended not to see it......The weakness that I thought only I would notice, while I pretended not to see them, there were those who......]

Who nothing could have gotten past. He knew who they were.

[Subaru: Mom, and dad, I wished you would’ve beaten me]

[Dad: ――――]

[Subaru: I was such a hopeless, little, useless idiot, self-conceited piece of trash, I wished you two would just beat me......and give up on me]

Silently staring at Subaru, Kenichi’s eyes did not move.

Subaru saw his own reflection inside those pupils that were the same color as his own. The sharp corners of his own eyes that were often mistaken for a sign of displeasure, for some reason, were now feeble, and drooping.

――How pathetic, he thought.

[Subaru: When I was little I was clever, and I could find a perfect solution to anything. Running too, and same with studying......the things my friends around me couldn’t do, I could figure out almost immediately, and I was even mystified by why everyone else had so much trouble]

Perhaps it was childish conceit, or one could call it an adorable sense of omnipotence.

When Subaru was little, his athletics and learning were all ahead of other children his age. He could run faster than those around him, he was smarter than those the same age as him, and as if it were only natural, he was at the center of everything――

{He’s that guy’s child, after all}

Everyone gave Subaru this appraisal, adults and neighbors alike often kept it on their tongues.

He knew, by “that guy”, they meant his father, and the fact that he was his father’s son was recognized by people all around. ――And the young Subaru took pride in those words.

Dad――Subaru’s father, Natsuki Kenichi, in his son’s eyes he was a person full of charisma and allure.

He laughed well, talked well, cried well, angered well, exercised well, worked well.

His father could announce his love for Subaru and his mother in public without feeling the slightest embarrassment, everywhere his father was surrounded by people who admired him, and he always saw his father standing in the center of a crowd of smiling faces.

To Subaru, such a father was more than anything he could have hoped for, to have such a father who cherished his family, Subaru and his mother, above all the world, instilled him with a sense of superiority to the point of exuberant pride.

――I want to become like father. I want to become like father.

For the young Subaru, the expanse of his father’s back was the expanse of the world itself, and the world was only something to be seen from on top of his father’s back.

And so every day, Subaru spent in happiness, and in search of happiness.

But,

[Subaru: When did it start I wonder...... I don’t remember, but one day I lost a race, I think. Soon, I was no longer the first at everything. There were now guys who could run faster than me, guys who can solve problems faster than I can. Little by little, my first-places grew fewer and fewer, and it felt strange, I thought]

Once it had started it only grew worse, and the shining stars within Subaru’s heart gradually left him.

Even if he stretched out his hand, running here and there under the sky, the stars that once shined all around him were nowhere to be found. There was only the silence of the coming, enshrouding darkness.

And in that elusive, uncertain anxiety,

{He’s that guy’s child, after all}

Those words became Subaru’s salvation, the last hope he could hold onto.

Even if he was not the fastest or the smartest, those words continued holding up the young Subaru’s confidence.

Rather than training to run faster, or devoting all his efforts to his schoolwork, he decided first and foremost to do stupid things.

Sneaking into school at night with his friends, drawing over the white lines all over town, chasing away notoriously dangerous stray dogs from their hangout spots――all so people would not grow tired of him, so he could protect the last of his dwindling stars.

[Subaru: “Studying hard is stupid. Being able to run fast is nothing to be proud of. The things I was doing were making people happy, and that’s far more, far better than what anyone else could do”]

In order to sustain this mistaken Pride, he had no choice but to keep going.

He will take the lead to do what others are afraid to do, challenge what others loathe to challenge, this way, he would make sure he did not lose his carefully protected place in the world.

[Subaru: But, if I were to protect myself this way, the next time I’d have no choice but to do something even bigger. It can’t be less than what I had done before. They’d think I was someone small if I did, and I couldn’t let that happen]

So Subaru’s actions could only become more and more extreme.

If anyone asked why he would do such things, “he’s Natsuki Subaru” would be the answer.

――Yes, it could only be Natsuki Subaru.

Natsuki Subaru was braver than anyone else, wilder than anyone else, freer than anyone else, so he must continue to be the existence that everyone else longed to be.Fịndd new updates at novelhall.com

Straining himself, stretching himself thin, he tried to hide his nervousness, so that not even he himself would have noticed it, he continued fooling himself and those around him that he could do much, much more.

Because he was Natsuki Kenichi’s son, Natsuki Subaru.

[Subaru: I thought I could do anything. I made myself believe that I would do anything. And without ever bothering to think beforehand, everything I did, and every consequence of what I did became a stupid mess......]

Like a moth circling toward a flame, he singlemindedly pursued the heat without even noticing if he had caught fire.

If he really was a moth, becoming enchanted by a flame would have been the end of him.

But Subaru was not a moth, nor were the friends who surrounded him. They were only human, even more so than Subaru.

――It appeared nothing in particular had set it off.

Attracted by the mischief Subaru proclaimed, similarly scary-faced kids came gathering around him.

And like teeth breaking off of a comb, the number of companions around him began to drop.

[Subaru: A bunch of idiots, I thought. You won’t find this kind of fun anywhere except sticking by my side. Those guys will regret it, but they’re free to waste their boring time elsewhere. My sights are on something higher]

If he continued searching like this for the whereabouts of those stars, at least he won’t lose sight of the star above his head.

Of the sea of stars that once should have painted all the sky, now, only one lone, sparkling star remained to Subaru, and so he walked on and on without letting it out of his sight――until suddenly, when he turned his eyes from the star-lit sky back to the ground,

[Subaru: There was already no one else around me]

Of course this happened.

Without minding his surroundings, continually chasing after stars that no one else could see.

His companions, who at first found it amusing, seeing the ever escalating wildness with no landing point in sight, could no longer follow him.

Paying no mind to this, only mocking at those who left as idiots, even those who remained grew uneasy and doubtful.

One, and then another, his friends disappeared from his side, until he noticed he was all alone under the starlit sky.

Feeling angry, sulking, wanting to forget, he gazed up at the sky――

[Subaru: Even the radiant star that should have been above me is nowhere to be found anymore]

When he lost sight of the light of that star, deserted by the friends around him, left alone in the dark of night, Subaru finally noticed it.

――I was never anyone special.

{He’s that guy’s child, after all}

They were the magical words which the young Subaru once embraced with pride, and once would have injected Subaru’s heart full of vitality.

Since when, he did not know, they had turned into a curse.

[Subaru: Just going outside, wandering around town, it’ll be obvious. No matter where I go, where I look, I’d find lingering traces dad left behind......it’s only natural, I guess]

Subaru’s small and narrow world was precisely the same as the view from on top of his father’s back.

To Subaru, who aspired to reach the same heights as his father, no matter where he is, no matter where he looked in that narrow world, there was not a single place where he could not sense his father’s lingering scents.

Gradually, for Subaru, the world turned into a terrifying place.

At the same time, eating away at Subaru’s heart, was the painful self-awareness that he was only ordinary, and the sense of shame that made him want to hide that ordinariness from his parents and anyone who knew them.

Loved by everyone, relied upon by everyone, smiled at by everyone.

Yet that same Natsuki Kenichi’s son, Natsuki Subaru, was shriveling up squeamishly under everyone’s gazes, a sickly coward hugging his own head frightened by the vastness of the world, he could not bear to be thought of this way.

His own shortcomings must be nothing less than a humiliation for his father who proclaimed to love him, and perhaps, at some point, even that towering father would grow disappointed in him. That, above all, was what terrified Subaru the most.

In elementary and in middle school, Subaru single-mindedly made an effort to avoid drawing any attention to himself.

The classmates who had known him since the lower grades couldn’t wrap their heads around how docile Subaru had become――the children, at their impressionable age, failed to notice even a fragment of the darkness residing in their classmate’s heart, and as they each went about their lively days, they soon forgot about such trivial things.

Meanwhile, as he spent this time burying himself in anonymity, as he worked to cast off the shadows of his past, at home, Subaru skillfully continued to play the part of the unruly child.

At school almost as meek as a weed in the shade, as soon as he was home he would return to the wildness of his youth like he was a completely different person.

Coming home from school, with various accounts of his feats of heroism, he would soften the corners of his mother’s lips in midst of her housework, and put a smile on his father’s face when he returned exhausted from his work.

――All of these, had his parent noticed that they were lies? Even now, Subaru couldn’t be certain.

This way, throughout elementary and middle school, he spent the greater part of his life on painting and fortifying these lies, and constructing the fictional character of Natsuki Subaru.

Everyone had forgotten the various mischiefs of Subaru’s past, and knew him merely as an inconspicuous classmate whom they barely knew anything about beyond his name.

On top of the tinge of loneliness that accompanied this barren relationship with his peers, covering over Subaru heart was an even more intimate sense of dread. For to bear the surname, Natsuki, was to be constantly in awe of a certain force.

[Dad: You said there was someone you like, and then you said there’s someone who likes you, but, what? You... are you a two-timer? With only a Subaru-rank?]

[Subaru: Don’t call it a Subaru-rank! Although I totally realize it’s too luxurious for my level! But so what! There can be two stars in the highest place, what’s wrong with that!]

It was not just him being defiant, for those were Subaru’s honest feelings at that moment.

He loved Emilia. And he loved Rem. Those two made Subaru stand up and walk forward, whether it was to stand in front of Kenichi or to face the self of his past, they gave him the strength to not run away.

All the sea of stars that once covered over Subaru’s sky――all the glittering starlight he once saw gazing upwards.

Overhead now, blinding, brighter than the light of all those stars combined, was the star of those two’s radiance. And all around that brightest star, even the stars that should have vanished long ago now came to glow with a different light.

It was outside of his shut-in room, inadvertently summoned to the Parallel World, through desperation, suffering, sorrow, wailing as he cried, screaming in anger, charging in with a smile on his face, enthusiastically advancing forward, that Subaru won this starlit sky.

[Dad: Well, that’s alright. Do as you like. Long as you get a perfect ending out of it without breaking the law, I won’t have any objections. Looks like, you got some talent for duping girls too, huh]

[Subaru: If I had talents like that I wouldn’t have failed so miserably on my first day of highschool and ended up all alone. I can’t pull off miracles like you, dad]

[Dad: I don’t think that’s true, you know? You’re my son, after all. And although you got all sorts of things wrong, that’s the one thing you got most wrong]

[Subaru: That one?]

Tapping the fingers on his cross arms, Kenichi answered the confused looking Subaru with an [En], nodding,

[Dad: I may be hyperactive in front of you and mom, but dad knows how to sort out the TIME-PLACE-OCCASION for these thing, you know? I was always like this in front of you, so maybe you got the wrong idea, but if you act like dad in front of everyone, ofcourse things are gonna go pear-shaped, oy]

[Subaru: Wa, wai-wait......]

[Dad: It’s obvious, isn’t it? If you see a guy with this kind of TENSION on the first meeting, you’ll be scared to even come near him, right? From there until you become good friends, you still have to straighten up your collar. You only get to take off a button on your shirt when it’s hot out. Otherwise, it’s patience from April to June]

That was the shocking truth. In reality, even his father changes his attitude depending on the target, just like a normal person.

Without knowing this, he had believed that if he only acted like his father, he would be loved by those around him just like his father was. Such was the shallowness of his mind.

[Subaru: All that time I spent stagnant......]

[Dad: Well, it wasn’t all useless, I think. In fact, you got to become who you are now because of it. Those stars you found, aren’t they worth the time you spent looking for them?]

Subaru, hugging his head in regret, lifted up his face as he heard those words. He could answer that question without a moment’s hesitation, for he already knew the answer, beyond all doubt.

[Subaru: ――No, it was worth it. No matter how many chances I get, I would want to chase after the same stars as I am now. So, I think I like the way I am now]

[Dad: Is that so......Then, that was all great, wasn’t it?]

Relieved to see Subaru resolve this in his heart, Kenichi smiled.

And facing that smile, Subaru felt the heavy lump in his chest dropping with a thud. The darkness within him cleared, as if all the feelings of gloom had been washed away.

Although it was a selfish and conceited emotion, to Subaru right now, it was salvation.

After facing his past, saying goodbye to his old self while embracing and accepting all that he had been, he was proud of this present self that was now walking forward.

And so――

[Subaru: I’m sorry, for all the times I closed myself off. I’m sorry I made you worry with all the emotion I can’t sort out and refusing to go to school. I know I was wrong now. I’m really sorry]

[Dad: It’s ok, you don’t have to. It’s my fault for not realizing how amazingly awesome you imagined me to be. I should be the one to say sorry, for being way too awesome in your eyes!]

[Subaru: Even though it’s a fact, after you put it like that I totally don’t want to admit it now!]

[Dad: Hahaha, no need to be embarrassed. You’re my son, and you have my blood in your veins. You definitely have the potential to become someone half as awesome as me]

[Subaru: Only half? I thought new generations are supposed to overtake the old ones]

[Dad: Well you also got half of you from your mom. With my awesomeness and good looks, combined with the other part from your mom, they kinda canceled each other out, you know]

[Subaru: Sorry mom, I have no counter to that!]

Unable to say anything to exonerate his mom who wasn’t there, Subaru clapped his hands together and apologized to thin air. Amused to see this gesture from him, Kenichi shook his head,

[Dad: Well then, that’s a load off your shoulders, right? All the walking-in-place from before is already done, there’s no point dwelling on them anymore, all that matters now is what you do from now on]

[Subaru: Yeah, en. I’m, sorry I made you worry......]

[Dad: If you want to apologize for something like that, you should take the time to properly repay our kindness. One day, you’ll have to take good care of me and mom you know, my eldest son]

――As he heard those words, Subaru grew still.

[Subaru: ――――]

He had made up his mind to apologize for everything that had happened before, and he was determined to confess all the feelings of his present self.

He had accomplished it well, the years of accumulated barriers between them had melted, and he could now face his parents with a clear heart.

Everything he had wanted to say up to now――

[Subaru: ――Fr]

Then ―― the moment he was about to say “From now on”, what surged up instead through Subaru’s entire body was,

[Subaru: ......Ple... please forgive me]

[Dad: Subaru?]

[Subaru: I’m so......I’m sorry, I’m so sorry...... I’m, I’m sorry I’m sorry......I’m so sorry......]

The confused Kenichi’s voice came from in front of him. Yet Subaru could no longer make out his face.

The flood of overflowing tears had blocked up Subaru’s vision, and the shapes of the world grew blurred. Covering his face with his palms, he desperately tried to wipe away the stream of tears. But even wiping, and wiping, he could not stop the tears from flowing. They cannot be stopped, and would not be stopped.

[Subaru: Forgive me please forgive me......I, I’m......There’s only, you two......I’m sorry, I’m so sorry......]

――He had realized it.

Somewhere within his heart, Subaru had realized it long ago.

From the moment he was summoned to this Parallel World, bathed under the light of the sun, when he squinted his eyes within the blinding flash of that instant, as if it were a revelation, Subaru knew.

――That he would never return to his original world again.

Having spilled his heart to his father, having confessed the dark emotions that had accumulated inside his chest, having been granted forgiveness, having been lent the strength to walk forward, having been taught and brought up to know how,

[Subaru: Despite all of that, I...... I can’t repay you anything...... I will, never get to see you again...... I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry......I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry]

The tears would not stop. He was about to fall to his knees.

But even so, Subaru remained standing, because stopping him from collapsing, was a hug from in front that wrapped the crying Subaru’s body within its arms.

The palms were strong and broad, they pressed his son, who was almost as tall as he was, tightly into him, yet, like consoling a weeping child, they patted and caressed his back.

[Dad: ――No matter where or when, you’re still a pain-in-the-ass son. Geez]

As he said this, he continued holding onto the sobbing Subaru, soothingly, and lovingly, and did not let go.

※※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

[Dad: Have you calmed down?]

[Subaru: ――Yeah. Sorry. That must be, really annoying]

[Dad: No kidding. Just look at my shirt. I’ve got dried out tears and snot all over my chest now. I’m too embarrassed to even wander around the neighborhood like this]

“Haha”, using his fingers to give Subaru, who had stopped crying, a flick to the forehead, Kenichi let out a vulgar laugh.

With a grin, he stared at Subaru’s face, that was now swollen from the tears. Seeing those eyes filled with sadness and apology, Kenichi sighed,

[Dad: I don’t know why you cried so hard, but that must have been kinda embarrassing for ya, so I’ll keep it a secret. Try to thank me as best you can, ok?]

[Subaru: ......Aah. Thank you. Truly, from the bottom of my heart, more than anyone else in the world]

[Dad: Well I’m gonna blush if you put it like that]

Scratching his face looking embarrassed, Kenichi chuckled. Unable to stare at his father’s face directly for too long, Subaru averted his eyes.

Kenichi shrugged his shoulders, and flapped his hands around like he was trying to drive away insects,

[Dad: Gees, now get yourself back home, you crybaby. Dad’s in the mood for walking around a bit more, so I’ll take the long way back. If I’m seen with ya while you’re sobbing, people are gonna think something strange]

[Subaru: ......They’ll wonder what on earth a pair of father and son our age could be doing together, huh]

[Dad: Yeah no kidding. If I go back with you like this, my friends are gonna hear about it and embarrass me with it, you know]

[Subaru: That line could be fatal depending on who you say it to, so be careful how you use it!]

Inadvertently blurting out another straight-man counter to his father’s words, Subaru’s heart was stabbed with the pain of nostalgia. Clenching his teeth and forcing himself to turn his face away, Subaru managed to spit out the words [So uh],

[Subaru: I’ll be going on ahead, then. Try not to get questioned by the police or anything]

[Dad: Sorry to disappoint ya, but all the police officers around here know me. If they come and say hello I can’t really ignore them, can I]

[Subaru: Just please don’t do anything except say hello back]

That attitude from Kenichi hadn’t changed at all. Once again feeling saved by it, Subaru felt disgusted by how his own powerlessness was still no better than before. No matter where he was, he still had to rely on others to protect him. He was so hopeless that way.

But more than anything, he didn’t want to show his weakness in front of Kenichi anymore.

So after exhaling a sharp breath, as if he had made up his mind, Subaru turned his back to his father and swung out his step. And with hurried steps, he tried to disappear from that place as quickly as he could.

[Dad: ――Hey, Subaru]

From behind, Kenichi’s voice called to him, and his legs inadvertently stopped moving.

[Dad: You’re, going through all sorts of things too, huh. So, I just say this one thing]

[Subaru: ――――]

[Dad: Give it your best. I’m counting on you, son]

The fear of being counted on, the fear of disappointing.

The worry that he would betray his father’s expectations had grasped Subaru for so long, refusing to let go. It was because of it, that to Subaru, his father’s expectations had turned into a symbol of fear――

[Subaru: ――Yeah, leave it to me. Dad]

Still with his back turned, Subaru stuck a finger toward the sky, and,

[Subaru: My name is Natsuki Subaru. Son of Natsuki Kenichi. ――Therefore I can accomplish anything, and will do anything it takes. Your son is really awesome, you know]

[Dad: Yeah, I know. Half of you came from me, after all!]

“HAHAHA”, at the end of those words Kenichi showered a volley of laughter upon Subaru’s back.

Listening to its sound, a smile came onto Subaru’s lips.

With his back to his father, he swung out his strides.

His knees were no longer shaking. His heart no longer wavered. He only stared straight ahead as he walked.

――The one whose back he had always watched from behind, will be watching him from behind from now on.

Amazed, by how much strength he could draw from a fact as simple as this.

Subaru continued walking, without stopping.

-=Chapter 18 End=-