Volume 4, 37 [The Initial Impulse To Kill]

Volume 4, Chapter 37 [The Initial Impulse To Kill]

He heard a sound like the torrent of a rushing stream.

A furious sound of water. A foaming waterfall coursing downwards, pulled along by gravity and current.

Reverberating in his ears, or perhaps within his skull, the thunderous roar rumbled at Subaru’s brain as his consciousness was guided from loss into wakefulness.

He saw a light, and――

[Subaru: ――ah, khu]

Sensing something clogging his throat, the rhythm of Subaru’s breaths grew bewildered as he gagged for air.

Inhale, exhale, the regular intervals between his breaths turned vague. His oxygen-deprived body spasmed and shook, saliva drooled from his mouth as Subaru wrung open his eyes.

[Subaru: Khu, aghk!]

His face was pressed against the ground. Pushing himself off the surface and onto his elbows and knees, Subaru grasped his chest, panting, and tried to calm his aching lungs.

The pain fell away, and he spat out the saliva that had nowhere else to go. With his body settling as oxygen resaturated his brain, he took a breath. ――And began to remember.

[Subaru: uuUUAAH, AAAAAH!?]

Recalling the gaping hole that had been opened in his chest, he felt the sense of emptiness of all the contents of his body flooding out.

Quickly pressing his palm over his stomach, he confirmed the absence of the gap that was the source of that emptiness, and the tension of his body began to soften.

Tasting a numbing shock through his limbs, Subaru scraped his forehead against the ground as the friction and the abrasive pain affirmed the reality of his existence.

[Subaru: What was, that...... at the end......]

Face-down on the ground, blood draining from his body, the sensation of his soul being sucked out from that very same gap certainly existed. But that wasn’t the source of the sense of loss eroding at Subaru’s flesh. The true horror came afterwards, near the end, among the lingering embers of life being guided into death.

His consciousness was vague and his memories were blurred, but this alone he remembered clearly.

――Something, something unknown, was “Devouring” him.

[Subaru: C-cut down, beaten to death, frozen, falling to death, I’ve died all sorts of ways now...... b-but this is still the first time I’ve been ea...... eaten in the end......]

Recounting the conscious experience of what happened to his body in the end, Subaru was once more gripped by terror.

The direct cause of death was the loss of blood spilling from the gap, and he had no intentions of making light of “Death” itself, but he had nonetheless experienced first hand a fragment of the possibility that “Death” was not the end.

Who knew that the sensation of his body being eaten would be accompanied by such intense sense of loss? Subaru had lost fingers and legs before, but this sickening sensation was far beyond all of them――

[Subaru: fingers......!?]

Coming to that thought, Subaru suddenly wanted to kick himself for being so slow to remember.

Considering the unsurvivable wound he sustained and the unmistakable sensation of “Death”, there was no doubt that Return by Death had been activated. There was no entity in this world that had more profound knowledge of death than Natsuki Subaru. He died, and he returned, that much was certain.

What was not certain, was where on the timeline Subaru returned to.

If his restart point had been moved to an unsalvageable point in time, where would Subaru’s resolve and oaths lead him then――

[Subaru: ah......]

Scanning his bloodshot eyes over his surroundings, Subaru desperately tried to confirm the time and his current location. But what calmed this desperate panic was the sensation on his forehead while his fingers wiped the sweat off his brows. ――The three missing fingers on his right hand were definitely still there.

[Subaru: Fingers...... are still there, which means]

As if to make sure, he held up his right arm and ran his gaze from his fingers to his elbow. Fingers and wrist, all the way to the elbow, nothing was missing, nor were there any signs of scarring. The white scars left over from the disturbance of the Wolgarms were still there, but that’s a different story.

Having confirmed that his arm was fine, Subaru moved on to his shoulder and hip―― the spots where Elsa’s darts had dug into. Sensing no stiffness in his skin, Subaru almost collapsed from sheer relief, finally convinced that he had returned to a time before his encounter with Elsa.

[Subaru: Th...... then, for now...]

It was fortune in midst of misfortune that he wasn’t given anything worse than death.

Feeling relieved and drained, Subaru dropped his eyes and thanked his bad luck. And it was then when he turned his gaze to the side, and noticed.

――That in the corner of the dark room, there was Emilia, writhing in pain.

[Subaru: Emili......a]

Instantly rushing over to her side, Subaru realized that they were alone in a dark and musty vault. He had only one experience of being alone with her like this, so there was only one possible explanation. That is,

[Subaru: The restart point... hasn’t changed......!]

Inside the Tomb, directly after passing the Trial―― was where Subaru returned to after death. In exchange for nothing being gained, nothing was lost either. Time to try again.

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

――There must be something he could do to fix everything.ed where he had returned to, the thought that passed through Subaru’s mind was so positive that it was hard to believe it could have come from a person who had just been trembling in his final moments.

It was now the second night after his arrival in the Sanctuary. With the information gained from the first loop and second loop, Subaru reorganized the circumstances and events in his mind as he set about searching for the solution.

By now, the bloody content was already nothing out of the ordinary. Whether it was the initial cluelessness, or becoming hopelessly stuck with no choice but to hug his own head, it was just the same thing all over again.

[Subaru: Although... the usual methods won’t be working this time]

No matter what, Subaru still wasn’t able to grasp the full story of this loop. And even against the clear and obvious threats, he couldn’t see any effective countermeasures.

Currently, there was no way to oppose the combat strength of the obvious threat, Elsa. With no exploitable weaknesses, the degree of danger she posed may have surpassed even Petelgeuse.

Countering her attack on the Mansion remained the foremost priority. However, it would seem the problems didn’t end there,

[Subaru: Last time, near the end...... why was the Sanctuary empty......?]

He couldn’t understand why Beatrice would transport him all the way to the Sanctuary, but the fact that everyone there had vanished was all the more incomprehensible. He recalled running all around, shouting, only to receive no reply in return.

And then, there was the final calamity which befell Subaru when he tried to seek the answers inside the Tomb.

With a hole opened in his chest, Subaru died without the slightest idea of what could have given him that wound. The memory of that still-vivid injury brought back nothing but pain and horror, without a single clue or answer.

Back there, what on earth happened in the Sanctuary? What happened to Subaru? What was Beatrice thinking? And Emilia――

[Subaru: ......impossible]

Coming to that point, suddenly struck by the contradiction between his thoughts and his behavior, Subaru’s face stiffened.

It was important to organize the situation. It was also important to set goals for the future and draw up plans to realize them. And it was a priority to collect the scattered information and shape them into something useful for obtaining that longed-for future, but,

[Subaru: ――――]

Did that give him an excuse to forget Emilia, currently struggling against a nightmare right in front of his eyes?

[Subaru: I-I...]

Emilia was still inside the Trial, tormented by agony. Her body and soul, assaulted by her past, being chipped away by the excruciating pain of the weight of the cross she had to bear.

Long lasting pain without the slightest consolation at its end.

Subaru knew: How much sorrow this was bringing her, how much it was wearing her down, and how much it was weakening her heart.

It was because he couldn’t bear to see her like this that he had resolved to complete the Trial in her place, to clear away all obstacles, and open the way for her to pass.

That was how it should have been, so why was Subaru so relieved to see her suffering?

“Thank god he returned to a point in time where she was suffering.” Despite knowing what will become of her pain, he had cruelly put his thoughts before her.

The moment he understood this, Subaru saw the hideous existence he had descended into.

Even knowing that the girl in front of his eyes, the person most important to him in this world, was gasping in unbearable agony, he was averting his eyes from her distress, fully absorbed in his self-centered foolishness.

To Subaru, such weakness was abhorrent and grotesque.

[Subaru: Either way......]

There was no time to be tormented by guilt and the contradictions of his heart. He must wake Emilia up right away, and bring her out of this place.

He could take the time to gather his thoughts once they’re outside. There was no reason to prolong her suffering. And――

[Subaru: Right now, there’s a guy I need to get some answers out of]

It was starting to piss him off how lenient he was before. How is it that all this time, he had allowed the central character at the core of everything to get away with his ambiguities?

The result was the tragedy that befell the Mansion, and his incomprehensible death at the Sanctuary.

If that was the future that came from Subaru’s cowardice, then――

[Subaru: I will do everything differently this time]

As these words rolled off of his tongue, Subaru reached out his hand to wake Emilia.

In that moment, not even Subaru himself was aware that his face was being contorted by unsuppressible fury.

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

[Subaru: ――Just how much do you know, Roswaal?]

[Subaru: Break..... the contract?]

[Roswaal: Fulfilling it, would a~lso work. But since there is good chance that the other party to the contract is already gone, bre~~aking the contract would be the smarter course, don’t you thi~~nk?]

It was nothing short of miraculous that Roswaal would be offering constructive opinions for a change. Initially caught off guard by his words, Subaru’s expression abruptly changed as though a veil was suddenly lifted from his eyes,

[Subaru: ――When did I ever say I wanted to bring Beatrice outside?]

Subaru, saying this quietly, fixed sharpened eyes on Roswaal, mere inches away.

Placing his hands on the bed, his fingers began knocking on the sheets like the second-hand of a clock. Dropping his gaze to look at this gesture, Roswaal closed a single eye, before reflecting Subaru within his sole yellow pupil,

[Roswaal: You really―― are a man who likes to notice things people do~~n’t want you to notice]

[Subaru: What do you......]

[Roswaal: Either way, this time is already me~~aningless to me. Perhaps, we should e~nd this conversation here?]

[Subaru: Are―― are you fucking kidding me!?]

Different from before, within Roswaal’s eyes, there emerged a color of disappointment. With that strange expression, Roswaal spilled out a sigh from a face seemingly drained of all liveliness.

[Roswaal: No matter what you say now, it could no longer move me...... so you may do whate~ver you like]

[Subaru: You’ve got to be joking!? This is important...... we are getting to something important and you start acting like that!? There are still things I need to ask you......]

[Roswaal: If you wish to ask, you are fre~e to ask. But whether I answer them seriously or not, would depend comple~~tely on whether I feel like it]

The more agitated Subaru became, the more deprived of the tremors of emotion Roswaal seemed to become. In front of Subaru, whose face had turned red with rage, Roswaal merely combed his fingers through his deep blue hair, and tilted his head,

[Roswaal: You have, no more qu~estions?]

[Subaru: ――Tch. Alright, I know that Beatrice is bound by a contract and is living inside the Mansion. We can leave the details for now. There’s something else I want to ask. About that black book she has...... I want you to tell me what that is]

[Roswaal: E~~hh, you saw it? Any thoughts? What do you thi~nk it is?]

[Subaru: Don’t reply with another question. ――But I think it’s... something similar... to the books the Witch Cultists have, or, at least, I’m guessing]

Subaru’s stuttered reply was like a plea for the words to be refuted. But, hearing this, Roswaal showed an expression as if he couldn’t hold back a yawn,

[Roswaal: The Gospels in the Witch Cultists’ possession are mediums of the Witch’s will, and describe the path leading to their owners’ desired future. We~ll, aside from vague directions, they are rather labor-intensive to follow as far as prophetic books go]

[Subaru: ――! You know?]

[Roswaal: There is no need to be too~ surprised. There are Witch Cultists here as well, considering this is a facility belonging to a Witch different from the Witch they worship. Being the manager of the Sanctuary, it wasn’t just once or twice that I’ve had to exchange blows with the li~kes of them]

[Subaru: Th-then, they can really see the future......?]

If they could see the future without dying, that would be an ability far more powerful than Subaru’s Return by Death. It was not that he was jealous of such an ability, but if all the members of the Witch Cult were equipped with this overpowered item, that would be nothing to scoff at.

But, seeing Subaru’s shudder, Roswaal shook his head,

[Roswaal: It’s not that convenient of an item. First of all, the number of entries themselves vary from Cultist to Cultist. The contents are vague and subject to interpretation. More importantly, no one except the owner of the Gospel can read it. To anyone else, its contents will only appear to be indecipherable nonsense. And so, they are only incomplete maps of the future]

[Subaru: Incomplete......]

Subaru couldn’t hide his relief to hear this. But then again, if the Gospels were truly prophetic books with the power to describe the future, Subaru would never have been able to win against Petelgeuse. In that sense, it’s obvious that even the Sin Archbishops’ Gospels couldn’t have reached that level. However,

[Subaru: That’d be a completely different topic. Then, what about Beatrice’s book......]

[Roswaal: If you’re asking whether it is the same as the ones in the Witch Cultists’ possession, then the answer is that it is, and it isn’t]

[Subaru: Stop playing around! This is important!]

[Roswaal: I am doing no~~ such thing. Although what Beatrice has is a Gospel, it is of a different origin from the Witch Cultists’. For the Witch Cultists’ Gospels are incomplete, whereas the one belonging to Beatrice is complete]

[Subaru: Complete......?]

[Roswaal: Yes, it is complete. Unlike the defective items that fluctuate between uncertain futures, wavering in their recorded contents]

Seeing Subaru confused, Roswaal’s face only brightened.

His expression and tone were as if he was basking in pride. Subaru didn’t know what to say in front of this sudden transformation, but what made him lose his words in the truest sense of the phrase, was what came afterwards,

[Subaru: ――!?]

Roswaal reached behind with his right hand and produced a book with black binding.

There was no mistaking it at such a close distance that it was, without a doubt, a Gospel.

[Roswaal: This is one of the only two complete Gospels in existence. Myself, and Beatrice, are the only two people who possess one...... tha~t is]

[Subaru: ――――]

Before Subaru’s eyes, Roswaal waved the book left and right in his hand. However, Subaru had no mental capacity to care about such gestures now.

The fact that Roswaal was holding a Gospel same as the ones in the hands of the Witch Cult was indeed shocking. The fact that the one in Beatrice’s hand was also a Gospel, and the fact that the words she said to him at their parting were confirmed, was also shocking.

――But they were not what dominated Subaru’s mind in that moment,

[Subaru: That’s...... a Gospel that records the future?]

[Roswaal: Wi~~thout a doubt. This is the genuine Gospel]

[Subaru: You know...... the future? Right now, everything that is happening now... is in that book......?]

[Roswaal: It i~s written. Although you won’t be able to read it]

Who cares about that.

At this moment, whether Subaru could read it is irrelevant. There was only one significance. Only one single thing he had to ask. That is,

[Subaru: The future, what will happen...... is written... in that book?]

[Roswaal: It doesn’t describe the enti~rety of the world, but it does reveal a portion of the owner’s fu~ture]

[Subaru: That things will become the way they are now...... you knew that beforehand?]

[Roswaal: It took quite a lot of effort to produce the same situ~ation as described, you know? I was rather hoping for a little praise for all my efforts behind the sce~nes]

Subaru could not stop his voice from trembling.

At the source of that trembling, was the seeping of some violent emotion. Just what that emotion was, and at whom it was directed, was immediately obvious―― that is,

[Subaru: If you knew... everything that was going to happen......]

[Roswaal: ――Fuumu]

[Subaru: ――You, knowingly left Rem to die?]

[Roswaal: Rem, who~ would you be refe~rring to?]

[Subaru: ――I’ll KILL YOU!! ROSWAAAAAAAAAAAL!!]

In that instant, uncontrollable rage propelled Subaru’s body to move.

Flying forward onto the bed, his hands clenched tight onto the bedridden Roswaal’s neck. With unnatural strength never seen before, Subaru’s grip dug into the slender neck, carving an expression of agony onto the clown’s blue and white face.

[Subaru: YOU KNEW EVERYTHING AND YOU――!!]

If he knew, if he already knew, if he could have prevented the tragedies―― and what happened to Rem from ever happening―

[Subaru: THE REASON I LEFT REM TO DIE―― WAS YOU!!?]

Consumed by overflowing fury, he blew out his regrets, and all his impulses were directed to the intent to kill this man before his eyes. His actions forgot all reason as emotions and love transmuted into force.

And, just like this, unable to utter a sound, Roswaal silently waited for Subaru’s hands to snap his neck――

[???: ――I SEE “THE GUISE CAN’T COVER THE ULGARMS STENCH”!!]

――Impact.

Sensing a solid, sharp tactile sensation striking him from the side, Subaru felt the right half of his face destroyed as he was sent flying into the air.

His body slammed into an immovable wall, and fell head first onto the ground. His thoughts went blank at the sudden blow, and his body couldn’t move at all.

Blood flowed from his ear and nose, and the right side of his vision was dyed absolute black. His eye may have been completely crushed.

[???: ――Ever since y’came outta the Tomb yer stench’s shot up. Didn’t believe it so I thought I’d watch ya, but AIN’T THIS ‘XACTLY AS I THOUGHT!?]

Footsteps. The uncouth sound crept up to his side. His body would not even permit him to crawl. Immobile, front and back, Subaru’s head was pulled up,

[Garfiel: Reekin’ o’ the stench of the Witch, the fuck y’think yer doin’? Should I ask yer body? Oy? This place still needs that bastard. The fuck’re ya try’n ta pull, YEAH!?]

A blond youth. Garfiel. Or something. Assailed by that voice full of fury and murder, Subaru’s consciousness grew distant.

Half his head, though there was no way to confirm it, seemed to have been crushed. He’ll die, probably. If he died like this, that’d be about the most pathetic way to go.

If he Returned by Death while clinging onto this sordid thought, would he really still have the desire to save this place?

[Subaru: I don’t, know......Rem]

With the end of that final syllable, Subaru’s consciousness descended into darkness.

-=Chapter 37 End=-