Volume 4, 110 [The Reason To Believe]

Volume 4, Chapter 110 [The Reason To Believe]

When he saw Emilia huddled up, hugging her knees, Subaru was washed over by an inopportune sense of relief.

Part of it was because he found Emilia, and part of it was because he found her here.

He was convinced that this was the only place she could be, and he had hoped that this was where she’d be. Being right on both accounts, he felt a weight fall in the pit of his stomach.

[Subaru: Actually, come to think of it, Emilia-tan]

[Emilia: ............]

[Subaru: This really is a nice place to hole up if you don’t want anyone to find you. Not many people could come in here, and those who could wouldn’t want to, anyway]

Besides Emilia―― only three other people could enter Echidona’s Tomb.

One rejected the Trials and despised the Tomb, one witnessed another’s past and chose to entrust the Sanctuary’s future to someone else, whereas the last one roused the Witch’s ire halfway through his Trial and had his qualification revoked.

All other qualified people were barred by severe restrictions not to enter.

So indeed, this hiding place had “Emilia Only” written all over it.

Emilia did not reply to Subaru’s honest praise.

She only remained curled up, silently looking up at Subaru.

[Subaru: ――Mind if I sit beside you? Standing is... honestly pretty exhausting]

[Emilia: ............]

[Subaru: Where I come from, silence means yes. So, ‘scuse me]

Bathed in Emilia’s focused stare, Subaru magnificently proclaimed this and sat down at her side.

A distance of two fists was as close as Subaru’s manly courage could take him. Before he could get any closer, he’d have to use his words and appeals to shorten the emotional distance between them.

Because, right now, the distance separating their hearts was likely far greater than the widths of their fists.

[Subaru: ――――]

[Emilia: ――――]

Sitting next to each other, a brief silence fell between them.

Subaru patiently waited for Emilia to speak, while Emilia watched him as he waited. Her lips quivered several times, until finally, with some hesitation,

[Emilia: Subaru......]

[Subaru: ――――]

[Emilia: How..... are you here?]

[Subaru: How, huh... that’s a tricky one. Since you’re always on my mind, Emilia-tan, I managed to find you in no time, I guess]

He was rather proud of that fact.

Since it meant that he was the only one, at least in the Sanctuary, who knew Emilia well enough to accurately divine her feelings.

Although, if he were truly attuned to Emilia’s feelings, he wouldn’t be speaking to her inside the Tomb right now.

At Subaru’s answer, Emilia’s eyes widened.

But then, she shook her head as if that wasn’t the answer she was looking for.

[Emilia: No. That’s not it, Subaru. I wasn’t asking how you got here...... I meant...... I thought only people who were granted the qualification could enter the Tomb]

[Subaru: You sure you didn’t forget, Emilia-tan? The first day we got here, when you fainted inside, I rushed straight in here to bring you out. Apparently, if the Witch hates me like she hates Roswaal, I would’ve exploded the instant I walked in. But, turns out it wasn’t that bad for me. Just feels floaty like I’m in an elevator that’s constantly a second before stopping. Nothing I can’t handle]

[Emilia: ......I, see]

Emilia muttered, a bit disappointed that this place wasn’t as exclusive as she thought. Then, she cast a worried gaze over Subaru, who seemed increasingly wracked by nausea.

Even though she must be desperately trying to put the mess inside her head in order, the fact that she was still thinking of others even now was at once admirable, heartbreaking, and sweet.

[Emilia: So then...... how did you know I was here?]

Rather than silence, Subaru seemed more at ease when distracted by conversation.

Perhaps having noticed this over the course of their exchange, when she saw him heaving with labored breaths, Emilia presented Subaru with a new question.

Her words were laced with suspicion and resignation, intermixed with some complex, indecipherable emotion.

Her resignation was haphazard, and her suspicion almost paranoid: Both traits which Emilia rarely ever showed―― in fact, this might be the first time Subaru had ever seen them.

[Emilia: ......Subaru?]

[Subaru: Aah, sorry sorry. Let’s see, how did I know you were here, well, uh, pr-probably because there’s nothing about Emilia-tan that I don’t know, so...]

[Emilia: Liar]

He wasn’t trying to joke around, but his frivolous answer was nevertheless promptly rejected.

Setting her chin on her knees, Emilia tilted her head as she looked at Subaru. The emotions fluttering within her amethyst eyes were of the pinnacle of chaotic turmoil, as if on the precipice of engulfing her.

Hating the emotions that her eyes were revealing, Emilia turned away, pouting, so that Subaru could no longer see them.

[Emilia: You won’t fool me even if you say that. ――When I don’t even properly know myself, how could you possibly know?]

[Subaru: It’s surprising how little people can see of themselves. Even when others around them can see all the way to their bootsoles]

He wouldn’t call it personal experience, but it did seem to happen to him over and over.

Each time, he’d get all fired up, unaware of how thoughtless, reckless, and senseless he was being. And only when someone finally spells it out for him, would he begin to notice it for himself.

Once, someone had pointed this out to Subaru, and for the very first time――

[Subaru: I figured you’d be here, Emilia-tan, half out of faith, and half out of hope]

[Emilia: Half, and half......]

[Subaru: I looked all over the village but couldn’t find you anywhere. So instead of thinking about where you might have gone, I thought as hard as I could about why you left in the first place. And when I did, I figured you must be here. And when I found you, I was relieved like you wouldn’t believe]

[Emilia: ......You were relieved, that’s all?]

[Subaru: Huh?]

As Subaru relaxed his lips into a relieved smile, Emilia asked.

Her voice was quiet, almost inaudible. Subaru raised his brows when he heard this, while Emilia locked her gaze onto his as if to peer into the depths of his eyes,

[Emilia: When you found me here, you were just relieved? ......You weren’t angry?]

[Subaru: What, Emilia-tan... No way, were you scared that I’d be mad at you?]

Her timid attitude almost made Subaru burst out chuckling.

Running off without telling anyone where she was going, only to get scared of reprimands when she was found, that’s exactly what a child would do.

Although it kind of made sense now that he’s learned about her actual and mental age, it was still incredibly unlike her.

But Subaru decided to pay the strangeness no heed and only shook his head.

[Subaru: I’m not angry at all. I was anxious, and honestly super panicked, but not mad. And considering that I found you here, I’m really glad]

[Emilia: ......I see]

The emotions Subaru felt for the missing Emilia was something other than anger.

And even if there was any anger, it’d be at himself for missing the warning signs and failing to anticipate Emilia’s actions. But that anxious, panicked feeling of all his plans coming to ruin was all drowned beneath the flood of relief when he found her.

And so, Emilia’s worries were needless. At least, that’s what he was trying to tell her.

[Emilia: You’re not... angry]

That’s what he tried to tell her, yet her mutter was not one of relief.

[Subaru: ――Emilia?]

[Emilia: You’re not... angry at me. ――You won’t... even get angry at me]

Her voice was quiet, hoarse, and trembling.

By the time Subaru furrowed his brows in astonishment, it was already too late.

Looking down, biting her lip, Emilia’s eyes opened wide.

Tears welled under her eyelids as she tried to keep them from spilling.

[Emilia: Why... can’t you be angry]

[Subaru: Emili――]

[Emilia: I did something selfish... didn’t I? I did something that distressed you, didn’t I? I disappeared without saying a word, and I worried you, didn’t I? I made you anxious, wondering if I’d run away...... that’s the sort of thing I did, wasn’t it? And when someone does that to you, shouldn’t you be angry? Or aren’t you like that, Subaru?]

Drowning out Subaru’s voice, Emilia spouted her feelings like a torrent.

Emphasizing the selfishness of her actions, she closed in on Subaru as if pressing him to condemn her.

Overwhelmed by her unrelenting pressure, Subaru finally realized that he had made a decisive error in choosing his words.

Emilia wasn’t scared that Subaru would be angry at her.

Emilia was scared that Subaru wouldn’t reproach her for her actions.

Because――

[Emilia: Why aren’t you angry......? You’re not angry... because you never expected anything from me in the first place, right? You saw how I failed, but you’re still being kind to me...... because you aren’t even disappointed in me, right? Because you never thought I could’ve done it...... right?]

[Subaru: ――――]

Perhaps those were the fears that Emilia had always harbored, but was never able to voice, like a darkness wallowing in the depths of her heart.

How many times had she challenged the Trials, only to be sent back with her spirit broken?

She hated herself for it, and the others showed their disappointment at her failure, but there were also those among them who would never fault her, like Subaru and Puck.

Yet even as she felt saved by Subaru and Puck’s presence, she’d always be fighting this unshakable anxiety.

Disappointment meant that there was expectation.

She hated herself because she was disgusted with how she couldn’t put up a fight.

And while being gently consoled even after she had failed and failed provided temporary relief for her heart, it only fanned the flames of a far greater anxiety.

For Emilia had always dreaded Subaru and Puck’s kindness.

[Subaru: No, Emilia. That’s not what I think...]

Belatedly realizing the immensity of the waves surging in Emilia’s heart, Subaru spoke up.

If he doesn’t catch Emilia here and now, something terrible is going to happen. If she continues to reject him like this, even if he tries reaching for her, he will never seize her again.

And so, with no time to consider his words, he raised his voice,

[Subaru: I can’t get mad at you, but it’s not because of anything like that......]

[Emilia: If that’s true, then......! Why! Why...... didn’t you keep your promise......?]

[Subaru: ――――hg!]

Having his knee-jerk reaction shot down, the change of topic caused Subaru’s face to stiffen.

The “Promise” Emilia spoke of was the one he’d made to her the night before. And as for whether or not it was fulfilled――

[Emilia: I asked you to hold my hand until morning! And you promised me you would, Subaru...... so why did you let go of my hand? Why didn’t you keep your promise......?]

[Subaru: ――――]

[Emilia: B-both you, and Puck, broke...... your promises, and disappeared. You left me behind, and went away...... you liars. Subaru you liar. Puck you liar...... you liars, liars...... liars......]

Her tearful voice lashed out, condemning their broken promises.

With her face downcast and tears streaming from her eyes, Emilia butted her head into Subaru’s shoulder before weakly slapping her hand against his chest. The force was equivalent to nothing. But even so, it hurt as though he’d been punched clean through.

This was the accumulation of all the pain which Subaru had overlooked, which Emilia had endured.

And which Subaru and Puck had so callously showered upon her.

[Emilia: P-promises are important...... I told you that, I told you, didn’t I! That for Spirits-Arts Users, for me, promises are important...... and so I wanted you to keep them...... but when you’re supposed to have just apologized to me for not having kept one...... you broke, a promise again......]

[Subaru: ......Emilia]

[Emilia: Never break promises...... never tell lies...... promises must always be kept...... because if they aren’t..... if I don’t, then...... Mother and Geuse......]

Emilia’s cheeks blushed with fury as Subaru callously tried to sidestep the issue.

So overwhelmed by emotion that she couldn’t even speak, Emilia took several ragged breaths before finally wrenching out the words,

[Emilia: Why...... why did you break your promise?]

[Subaru: ......I’m sorry I broke my promise, I am. I wanted to keep holding your hand and stay with you until morning, I really wanted to]

[Emilia: That’s not what I asked. ――Why did you break your promise?]

[Subaru: ......I can’t say it]

Gritting his teeth, Subaru replied to Emilia’s question with an anguished groan.

Seeing him trying to dodge the question even now, Emilia expelled a long sigh.

[Emilia: You won’t keep your promises. And you won’t tell me why you broke them. ......Then what’re you telling me? If you’re going to tell me you love me...... then act like it! Otherwise, I...... can’t, believe you......]

[Subaru: Emilia]

[Emilia: If you’d kept your promise and stayed with me until morning! Then I would’ve definitely believed you! I would’ve believed you, and entrusted everything to you! But you broke your promise...... and so I, can’t anymore...... whether it’s you or Puck, you both left me behind......]

Grimacing, Emilia stuck her fingers into her silver hair and lowered her face.

The heat of her fervour shifted and changed directions as Emilia tightly grasped herself,

[Emilia: Now that Puck is gone, these scenes have been going through my head. ......They’re in my head, scenes I’ve never seen before, conversations I don’t remember, they just keep flowing and flowing......]

[Subaru: ――――]

[Emilia: I used to think I remember everything, but these are memories I never knew existed...... yet, they really are my memories...... and every time I remember, whenever something that’s meant to be there that I’ve forgotten re-emerges, I get so afraid......]

These memories Emilia spoke of―― which Puck had sacrificed his bond with her to unseal, were all the genuine memories which she had once tried to forget.

When her contract with Puck was terminated, the uncorked memories began to overflow, flooding Emilia’s interior with her true recollections.

But this dramatic shift could transform her very being.

[Emilia: I finally realized that I’ve been leaning on Puck while running away from all sorts of things...... I’m certain that Puck left me in order to tell me this. But, I’m scared. I’m scared. Puck’s gone, and my real memories are coming out...... and I, I feel like I’m steadily losing myself]

[Subaru: ――――]

[Emilia: Once all the memories come back...... I know I won’t be the same me anymore. My present self is built upon memories that aren’t my real memories...... but, once I remember where I really started...... I know that this me who’s come all this way is going to disappear......]

All of Emilia’s resolve and determination had false memories as their basis.

And so, once she regains her true memories, once her origin changes form, just what will happen to Emilia’s present resolve, and to the path she has walked thus far?

{――What’s important isn’t the beginning or the middle, it’s the end}

[Subaru: ――――]

Suddenly, a voice echoed through Subaru’s mind.

This familiar yet distant voice felt so incredibly close to Subaru, though it belonged to someone who he would likely never see again.

At the very end of the end of their parting, she gave him these words as his homework.

Ahh, that’s right―― he thought.

No matter how it began, regardless of which path you took, until you reach the end of the end of the end, who has the right to say whether or not it’d all been a mistake?

[Subaru: No matter what you remember, nothing will change. I love you. And I’ll always love you]

[Emilia: ――hk. I don’t, believe you. This me, you say you love...... o-once she’s gone, will you, still......]

[Subaru: I’ll say this now. No matter what happens, you’re not going anywhere. And I’ll continue to love you]

[Emilia: ......You’re a liar. How do you, expect me to...... believe you......]

[Subaru: ――Then, I’ll make you believe]

With her voice trembling and her eyes wavering, Emilia tried to reject Subaru.

His words could not reach her. And his appeals could not convince her. In that case, the only way left to convey his feelings was through action.

And so,

[Emilia: sub......]

[Subaru: If you don’t want it, dodge]

Within breathing distance―― or rather, so close that not even their breaths could stand between them――

Subaru reached for Emilia’s shoulder, and drew his face closer. Watching Subaru’s approach, confusion rose in Emilia’s eyes as her body tensed.

For one second, he waited.

If she was going to push him away, this was the moment.

[Emilia: ――――]

But Emilia closed her eyes.

Whether it was resignation, or the result of hesitation, Subaru couldn’t tell.

[Subaru: ――Mmh]

[Emilia: ――――ngh]

Their breathing intertwined, Emilia held her breath, Subaru’s brows furrowed in pain.

A quiet noise came from the force of their teeth striking together. It started with that slight, aching pain, but it soon vanished from even the crevices of their minds, drowned out by the intensity of that heat.

Soft lips. A kiss, barely more than a touch.

For Emilia, it was her first, and for Subaru, it was his second time kissing her.

Unlike the first time, filled with the cold taste of “Death”. This second kiss was of the burning taste of “Life”.

[――a]

With neither being the first to move, their lips parted.

They drew their faces away from each other, both forgetting to breathe as they gazed at the other.

Flushed cheeks. Watery eyes. The person reflected within Emilia’s irises looked utterly entranced.

That pathetic expression made Subaru return to his senses first, and, while finally remembering to breathe,

[Subaru: ...I love you]

[Emilia: ――――]

[Subaru: No matter what useless side of you I see, and no matter what kinds of fights we get into, I’ll never stop loving you, Emilia. That won’t change no matter what―― so I’ll always believe in you. And if you ask me why, it’s...]

[Emilia: Because, you love me......]

Finishing the end of Subaru’s sentence as if in a daze, Emilia touched her lips. Tracing her fingers over them, as if confirming the lingering tenderness of their touch, tears welled in her eyes.

A droplet travelled down her fair-white cheek, glimmering like a drop of the moon.

[Subaru: It’s only natural that you’d be anxious when unknown memories start flowing back. And I understand being scared when it feels like you’re becoming someone you don’t know. But that doesn’t mean the path you’ve walked will vanish, or that your feelings will change]

[Emilia: How could you...... say this like you’re sure......?]

[Subaru: What’s important isn’t the beginning. It’s the end. ――A woman I respect above all the world told me that]

His mother may be the most air-headed person in the world, but somehow, she still managed to teach him his single most important lesson in that world.

Though he couldn’t be sure if he understands it correctly, he nevertheless intends to try.

Because there is a girl right in front of him, with whom he wishes to figure this out together.

Watching Emilia stand there, weighed by anxiety, Subaru gave her a lighthearted shrug.

As if to tell her that it’s no big deal, and to blast her worries away.

[Subaru: It’s alright, Emilia. No matter what you remember, I’ll be on your side. Go ahead and recall every memory you’ve forgotten. And if you’re still afraid, then go find it]

[Emilia: Find...... find what......?]

[Subaru: Just like how my feelings for you allow me to charge ahead without a fear in the world, you should find your most cherished feeling that’ll let you sprint forward without worrying about anything going on around you]

Emilia never hesitated to expend herself for another’s sake.

The way she placed others before herself was noble and beautiful, and Subaru loved it to no end, but――

――The words “For another’s sake” is horrifically kind, and horrifically sad.

Because the feelings one holds towards an unknown stranger could surely never rival the feelings one held for someone familiar and close.

[Subaru: I’m kinda sorta hoping that cherished feeling would be directed towards me, though]

[Emilia: My...... cherished feeling......]

Perhaps she wasn’t listening to Subaru, for Emilia raised her hand to her chest and lowered her eyes. Her fingers reached for where Puck’s crystal would have been.

With their bond shattered, there was nothing for her to touch. Her fingertips scraped at empty air. But Emilia clenched her hand firm,

[Emilia: Once I’ve recovered all of my memories...... maybe it’ll be there, my cherished feeling]

[Subaru: Yeah. It’ll be there. Your reason to keep walking]

[Emilia: ――Mn]

Her expression was not exactly doubtful, nor was it entirely one of acceptance.

After seeing Emilia give a slight nod, Subaru closed his eyes as he turned his face up to the ceiling.

The words that had once uplifted him now felt even more powerful than before.

As though it had been kinder, stricter, and stronger words that saved him.

――But will he really become Emilia’s strength?

[Subaru: ――――]

It’d be way too lame to ask that now.

He sighed, and the instant he let go of his strength, the nausea he’d forgotten about jolted him to his core. Instinctively putting his hand to the wall, he barely managed to keep himself from puking.

[Emilia: Subaru?]

[Subaru: It’s nothing...... or, as much as I wanna man up and say that, it’s not nothing. I’m pretty bad right now. Anyway, if you wanna keep arguing or fighting, we could pick it up once we’re outside]

[Emilia: Geez...... that’s not what I want at all]

In front of the pale-faced Subaru, Emilia’s lips formed into a faint smile.

But she was too weak to resume her usual determined facade. She hasn’t yet reached a clear-cut answer. And her anxiety wasn’t fully dispelled.

With his hand against the wall, Subaru started walking towards the Tomb’s exit.

Behind Subaru’s unsteady steps, Emilia reached out her hand, but hesitated, indecisive about whether to touch him. The meeting of their lips just now must’ve affected her considerably.

Just thinking back on it made Subaru’s face flush red-hot at how brazen he had been.

But all those sentiments would have to be left behind for now.

[Subaru: ――――]

In order to show her that he is on her side, and is willing to do anything for her――

In order to fulfill the role that he had taken upon himself: to protect her, and to protect all his feelings for her――

[Subaru: I’ll have to see this through to the end]

They came out of the Tomb.

Bright sunlight greeted them as they stepped from the darkness.

And,

[Subaru: ――Yo, sorry to keep you waiting]

[???: Tch]

The person clicked his tongue in irritation as Subaru gave him a wave.

[???: ――I wasn’t waitin’]

――With his entire body drenched in blood, Garfiel stood there, full of hostility.

-=Chapter 110 End=-