Arc 6 – 54, 'Re: Starting Life in a Different World from Zero '

Arc 6 – Chapter 54, “Re: Starting Life in a Different World from Zero “

―The world was about to be painted in darkness.

Sitting down without any strength, the silhouette stretched out its countless hands towards the motionless Subaru. Just like spirals, or a whirlpool, the pitch-black hands were trying to wrap Natsuki Subaru along with his soul into its clutches. The places where he was touched, like melting, like crumbling, like coming apart; he knew that his very being was going to go hollow.

But, strangely enough, he couldn’t feel anything unpleasant at all.

Subaru: 「――――」

His body was going to crumble as far as he could see, his very being was going to be overwritten, his soul was going to be churned up. Whilst it was infringing perhaps the greatest blasphemy that could be done to a living thing, Natsuki Subaru’s heart was quiet enough to say that he was at peace.

Though there too was the effects of having disappointed back then resting heavily in the depths of his heart. But, it wasn’t just that. Since it was just this silhouette, its shadowy tendrils which were steadfast and unchanging.

It was only this silhouette that showed consideration for Natsuki Subaru’s emotions, who wanted to vanish and disappear even now.

I want to die. I want to vanish. I want to fall apart, I want to be trampled, I want there to be nothing left of me, I want to turn to ashes. Even if I am to revive over and over again, come and erase even the ashes left from my body.

This black silhouette will grant such a desirable prayer, this black silhouette will grant what Subaru had earnestly cried out for.

―I love you.

Just repeating these words ad nauseum was irritating. Even if he plugged up his ears and closed his heart, she put her fingers in the gaps of his closed heart, and slid them in from the opened gaps, directly whispering her love.

―I love you. I love you. I love you.

Stop this, I am fed up. No matter how many times you repeat this, I know this. I... don’t love you. I... don’t love myself. I know about being loved. I know it all too well.

It was his parents. Both his mother and father loved Subaru from the depths of their heart. He knew that. There wasn’t any reason for him to not know. And so, Subaru had wanted to disappear. Despite being loved by his parents, he couldn’t love himself which had no worth in being loved.

―I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Stop it, forgive me. Enough already. No matter how many times you repeat this, I can’t take anything more from this. Already since a long time ago, I let this conclusion slip out from inside of me. I know it. And despite knowing, I just turned my eyes to it.

The people who were concerned about Subaru for dear life, with such desperation, all of them couldn’t be bad people. He knew that. He couldn’t not know that. So, Subaru should have just died. He should have endeavoured to not be illuminated by the compassion of those bothered by Subaru’s very existence.

―I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Stop it, I said I know. If I endure this torture until the end, will you grant my wish? Will you swallow me and break me and pulverise me and finish what that other person had twice tried to do? Will you delete me into nothingness? If you can do that― if you can do that, I will accept it. I want to accept it. If this is the end.

If this could be the end, then Natsuki Subaru would... disappear...

―I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

???: 「That’s as far as you’ll go!」

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

――

――――

―――――――――

A voice... chimed.

It seemed just like the confession of love that was being whispered endlessly into his ears. A voice reminiscent of a silver bell rose up, piercing through the confessions of love that were painting over Natsuki Subaru’s existence in the world. It pierced right through and reached down towards Subaru.

Subaru: 「――――」

A light gushed out. It pierced right into the pitch-black shadowy appendages that had tried to swallow up Subaru. A shockwave broke out, the hand that had received the direct hit snapped off and was torn away, but that was just one from a countless number of them. It was just one amongst thousands that had been cut down, that effort meant absolutely nothing to the hostility coming from that enormous, powerful mass of shadows. But even so, the person who let loose that blow stepped forward with determination, dodging, evading, avoiding the shadowy arms’ erratic movements that were launched towards them. And then,

???:「―Subaru!」

Subaru: 「―hk」

Stumbling forward, calling out Subaru’s name, the owner of the voice that was ever so reminiscent of a silver bell grasped his feeble hand. Subaru’s body was pulled up abruptly and she took him away from that spot with all of her strength. I won’t let you, as if saying so, the silhouette stretched out its arms, blocking their front and rear, trying to block off both their path forwards and their path of escape. However, even with that obstacle in front of their eyes, her legs went forwards without stopping.

Subaru:「...l...ia!!」

One hand gripping Subaru’s own, sticking out her free hand, a dazzling light was born there. And immediately afterwards, a beautiful crystal of ice appeared, shining brightly― it was the very same kind as that of the ice cage which had kept Subaru confined. It was a mesmerising, valiant riposte of ice.

And right in front of them, she smashed down the pitch-black tendrils and expanded it so to make a wall that forcibly wrenched open their path. Witnessing the instant of the shadow being washed away, Subaru, who had harboured the impression that the strange silhouette would swallow everything in its path, could only feel that the heart which he’d thought would remain forever unbeating had started to tremble again.

And, as his heart started to clump back together, as soon as it stirred, his eyes also turned to face the beautiful face right beside him. The long silver hair of the girl who had won over Subaru’s heart glittered like the moonlight as she held Subaru’s hand whilst looking straight at him.

Though her survival was also confirmed, in his heart, he was not excited by this. Quite the opposite in fact, in the depths of Subaru’s skull, he felt like something was going to crack.

Of course he couldn’t be delighted by his survival. The people he had made sure were alive, Julius, Beatrice, Echidna, he had let them all die. Though he hadn’t seen the end with his own eyes, he can only imagine that things went south with what happened when he left Julius behind down with the Witch Beasts and Reid. Beatrice was blown to smithereens protecting Subaru, and he couldn’t even ease Echidna’s suffering whilst she was on the brink of death.

Natsuki Subaru was pestilence personified. Death was intrinsic to his very being. As his own death was shaped into nothingness, correspondingly, he imposed that misfortune upon everyone around him, he was such a being, that couldn’t help but conjure to mind such a ridiculous metaphor, pestilence ensconced in such a pitch black fate―

Subaru: 「―Enough already」

Emilia: 「Huh?」

Subaru: 「I said there’s no use even struggling on anymore」

Subaru forcibly stopped moving his feet, struggling against Emilia pulling him along by his arm. And still, Emilia tried to pull Subaru’s arm, though Subaru now possessing grit determination did not allow this. Although the disparity in their strength was evident, Subaru’s determination still remained steadfast. Had he found that dark urge from the depths of his own dark irises? Nevertheless, it took Emilia’s breath away and she stopped pulling his arm with all her strength.

Emilia: 「――――」

The two of them, Subaru and Emilia were at a standoff. Both of them were staring at each other. Looking around at their surroundings, there were no signs of the silhouette that had tried to engulf Subaru. Had he shook it off him when he had escaped together with Emilia? If that’s the case, then wouldn’t they still come across it again if they turned back? It seemed as if that thing was the best way of completely erasing Natsuki Subaru.

Subaru: 「Why did you come and save me? This behavior, it’s absolutely ridiculous. You should’ve, because you assumed I was an impostor... with that in mind, you should have locked me in that ice cage and chosen to kill me, that would have been the best course of action.」

These words were purposefully deceptive, twisting the truth at will, each word spoken maliciously opening more wounds. His goal was to deny himself even the possibility of thinking of the idea, that Emilia would once again take his hand.

However, to Emilia, who saw only the truth when she looked, Subaru’s despicable tactic was futile. Her eyes narrowed in anger, and she raised her voice at Subaru.

Emilia:「I wasn’t trying to kill you! I just wanted to hear your side of the story, as there was something unusual about you. And since you hadn’t told us about your missing memories, we...」

Subaru:「That! That may’ve been just something for my own convenience! Did you believe it that easily!? You’re a fucking idiot. You’ve gone crazy. You, Julius, and Beatrice!」

He had been locked up in the ice cage, and he had told them the truth about having amnesia as if he had been in desperation. No one who possessed the ability to think should have believed such words. Ram and Echidna’s attitude was the correct one. And yet, despite that, more than half of the others were stupid.

Subaru:「No, NO... Everyone’s stupid. I don’t get it... In the end... even Echidna apologised to me!!」

Emilia: 「In the end, Echidna...? Subaru, what happened? Are Echidna and the others...」

Emilia begun to ask that question to Subaru who was muttering and groaning with his face covered by his own hands. Even with how worried she looked, he was digging his nails into that beautiful girl’s heart. It was because of that that Subaru was letting all of his own emotional scars as if he was made of glass.

Even his lifeblood had bled out, leaving behind only an expression of fragility, a feeling that keeping those existences which matter from feeling pain would be a blessing, achieving only such a heart wrenching, desolate desire, in the figure of a young girl who’d lost her life. As the thoughts revived back in his mind, Subaru let out a scream in an attempt to let out the wounds he had in the depths of his heart.

Subaru:「Dead! Echidna is dead! Both of her legs were blown off, and she bled out in pain... in short, she died in anguish! Beatrice as well!」

Emilia:「―hk」

Subaru: 「That child even... protected me... What an absurd thing... cutting off its own tail...If I’d noticed earlier, she might have been fine, but I didn’t, and so she died. She said she wouldn’t forget me...」

Even if Subaru had forgotten, Beatrice would not forget. Beatrice had firmly declared that she would help Subaru regain his memories without fail. But, she had perished... straight after she had said that.

It was all bark and no bite. Words are wind. And immediately after she had spoken this, she had kept Subaru away from death. And with a face full of relief, she had vanished from this world.

Subaru:「If I were taking her to this end, I should have just left her alone in the first place. I took her out? I took her away? Whatever, how it happened doesn’t matter. At any rate, if I took her from anywhere other than here, I never should have. If I hadn’t, then...」

The fact was that things ended with her vanishing into thin air, having made such a face.

Subaru:「That’s right, that Julius guy too. Surely, around about now, he must already be... in a place with so many scary Witch Beasts... and with that Reid guy inconveniencing him... and then requesting such stuff... What an idiot.」

Everyone here is an idiot. What on earth were they expecting? Requesting that from me, recovering them, doubting whether I was good or not, what on earth were they spouting out?

What would become of their request? What did she mean by recovering them? Wasn’t it natural for them to doubt him? Natsuki Subaru was here because he betrayed everything that hung over him. He wanted to survive and have some peace and quiet alone; since that was unbearable, he wanted to disappear and die.

He was the most idiotic, stupid, utterly helpless, he couldn’t save anything―

That wasn’t even Natsuki Subaru―

Emilia: 「―Me and Subaru met for the first time at the Loot House in the Royal Capital」

Subaru:「――――」

The one before us is a fake, return the real Natsuki Subaru to us, words along those lines, behavior along those lines, resentment along those lines, would have been easier to bear. Yet still, it was because it was nothing other than something Subaru had desired himself.

He still preferred the side of those who said that his self-standing in front of their eyes was a fake, that they wanted him to return Natsuki Subaru, the ones who said that to him, the ones who wished that from him, the ones who tormented him with that, he still preferred their side.

But, it was Emilia that―, No, not just her. Up until here, everyone who had spoken to Natsuki Subaru had requested the same thing.

Irrespective of whether he was strong or weak. Thus, even if he let himself be seen so shamefully, and couldn’t help forgetting everything, he still hadn’t changed. By their words, by their behaviour, by their life, they showed their need for Natsuki Subaru―

Subaru: 「...Why?」

Emilia: 「――――」

Subaru: 「Why are you here, Natsuki Subaru? What can that guy do? What do you expect from him...?」

He didn’t understand it. In this... In just this overwhelming despair, in their helpless numerical inferiority, what would happen if Natsuki Subaru was there? In what way would the situation improve? Could they break through this?

Subaru:「A weak, dumb, miserable, spineless guy... what do you even see in him?」

Emilia:「―Maybe it’s as you say.」

Emilia cast her eyes down at Subaru entreating her with this, shaking her head without denying it. Her eyes were bordered by long eyelashes, her voice ever so reminiscent of a silver bell tickled his heart; everything about Emilia seemed to be a linchpin that tied Natsuki Subaru to this world.

Emilia:「There are plenty of people stronger than Subaru, and surely there are many people smarter than Subaru. But, I like to be with Subaru no matter when. I believe that Subaru can do it, I rely on him. And still...」

Subaru:「――――」

Emilia:「If people are helping me anyway, more than those who are capable, someone who helped because he happened to be there― certainly, having it be someone I like, would make me so so much happier.」

And, whilst smiling, Emilia said this. Whilst smiling and with her cheeks slightly blushing, she said this.

Subaru:「――――」

Subaru let go of his breath. Having received Emilia’s words, in that instant, surely all time had stopped within his body. With a bad-um, bad-um, the depths of his heart pounded. And at the same time in which his feelings had boiled up from with him, another emotion rose up; it was scorn towards『Natsuki Subaru.』

Subaru:「―Hah」

I see,『Natsuki Subaru.』Did you fall in love with this beautiful girl? Someone who is probably way out of my league. Such a young woman who would probably avert her face from me?

Such a handsome knight, such a wise woman, such a sweet little girl. And finally, such a beautiful girl right in front of his eyes.

Entrusting to you, believing in you, forgiving you, wishing it were you. Not asking you to be a savior, nor even expecting you to be a savior, merely, if those staggering walls had to be crossed, rather than someone capable, just wishing it were you.

Emilia:「―My name is Emilia. Just Emilia.」

Once again, Emilia gave the silent Subaru her name. She looked over to him with her amethyst eyes. Subaru’s dark-brown eyes gazed back at those eyes right in front of him. And then,

Emilia:「―Please. Let me hear your name.」

Subaru: 「I am...」

He hesitated forming his words, hearing Emilia’s question once again.

He had denied it over and over again. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do it. He had repeatedly denied it. So, this was surely nothing more than convenient wordplay.

―Entrusted, believed in, forgiven, relied on.

In this desert’s tower, if he were qualified to be treated thus by Emilia and the others.

In this desert’s tower, if there was someone that could save Emilia and the others.

If that was『Natsuki Subaru』, then if that『Natsuki Subaru』was nowhere to be found...

Subaru:「―My name is... Natsuki Subaru.」

Emilia:「――――」

Subaru:「Entrusted by Julius, believed in by Beatrice, forgiven by Echidna, relied on by Emilia... by you. If that man’s name is Natsuki Subaru, then...」

The black haired boy answered the young woman with the glimmering silver hair, staring with his dark-brown eyes into her amethyst ones. To the question that had quivered from her cherry blossom lips, his blood-stained lips answered back.

Subaru:「I AM NATSUKI SUBARU.」

Right now, feeble, without strength, mind and body wracked by despair, but still he declared it. For Emilia, for Emilia and everyone else, for you, for you and everyone else, for their safety, for peace and quiet, and their wishes and their desires.

Emilia:「――――」

Subaru strongly declared it. In his heart, he hadn’t fully wiped away the pieces of distrust towards『Natsuki Subaru.』. Even now, the one that caused『his』death hadn’t left Subaru’s mind―No, not his death, Meili’s. The face and voice of that wicked man. Maybe when that was wiped away, he wouldn’t come.

But, it’s okay. Even still, it’s okay. It’s not that I wanted to be saved. It’s not that I will always cling on and wish to be saved.

I wish to save you all. I want to help you all.

―If that can be done by『Natsuki Subaru』then I will do it.

Starting from the same point, heading toward the same goal. As long as the path in their hearts were the same... Even if I dislike you, I will not complain.

Let me, let『Natsuki Subaru』save Emilia and the others.

Subaru:「Thank you, Emilia. ―You made me believe in myself.」

Emilia:「...Subaru, I am―」

With Subaru’s reply, ripples rose within Emilia’s amethyst eyes. Her lips quivering, Emilia started to somehow string together some words towards Subaru who had named himself as such. And just after that,

Subaru:「―hk」

Up until then, nothing had disturbed the two of them talking. The situation which had until now remained peaceful, cracked in an instant.

Subaru:「―Emilia!」

Near them, the aisleway where the two had been conversing was in a flash crushed and pulverised by a shadow. The aisleway lost its shape, and Emilia, losing her balance, lost her footing. Facing her, Subaru who had barely clung onto his foothold strongly kicked against the floor.

At that moment, the tower lost its shape, smashed up and weathered. Perishing next to lumps of stone cladded in the aroma of sand. Subaru immediately dived towards Emilia who had started to fall. The distance shrunk, catching up to her silver hair still lingering above, and finally he closed his arms around her slender body.

Emilia:「Subaru... tch」

As he clutched her slender, soft, warm body, Emilia stirred, calling out Subaru’s name. Perhaps, she had tried to move herself so to change the position she was held at. And because of that, the one that helped and the one that had been helped reversed. Emilia, and everyone else were truly crazy. But alas, Emilia’s effort had been completely useless in this situation.

He didn’t want to envision what would happen were Emilia to fall straight down to the ground. It was neither the hard floor of the tower, nor the sprawling sand dunes outside that would come to meet Subaru and her. It would be the pitch-black shadows wrapping this tower that would lead to the end of everything.

So, the two of them would end up being swallowed by the silhouette whilst embracing each other just like that.

―No, the opposite.

This surely would become the beginning. Starting up once again, once more, starting from the end afresh, right here.

For that reason, he would make a promise. Right here, in this world, in this place, he would exchange genuine words with Emilia.

To save them, wanting to save them. Let’s start from the end, holding everything. The time for sputtering and babbling was over.

Infatuation like a curse is nice, isn’t it? It’s what I always wanted.

He didn’t know whether Natsuki Subaru had the requirements needed to be loved. But, since the requirements needed to be loved by Emilia, by Emilia and everyone else were there

Even if they still forget, even if they... even if they don’t remember the words you told me, in this ending world, in this world beginning anew.

Even if they still forget, even if they... even if they don’t remember the words that I struck in you all, in this ending world, in this world beginning anew.

I will remember. I will remember everything. Because even now, even if I have to cling onto them, I will not forget them.

Subaru:「Even if you forget ―I will not forget any of you.」

―Always remember, Natsuki Subaru.

The silhouette drew ever closer, its darkness engulfing Emilia and Subaru. Just like that, Emilia... and Natsuki Subaru were sinking, sinking towards the depths of the shadows.

Metempsychosis, everything was coming apart, everything was becoming zero, the end was coming as expected. And, it began in the place where everything became zero.

―A battle to kill Natsuki Subaru and bring back『Natsuki Subaru.』.